Based off of something that actually happened to me and Stargazer500! It was a sad day…
Rating: T for safety…
Summary: England has finally found something he hated more than France, yet possibly loves more than tea. A unicorn-toy-holding vending machine.
Warnings: OOCness, crack, cussing, vending machine hacking, hamburger hostage situation, unicorns, finger guns, possible drug use, and pure stupidity. ENJOY.
"Iggy, check this baby out!"
England sighed, hoisting an over-filled bag of American crap over his shoulder. "What the bloody hell do you want now, twat?"
Alfred hopped around, obviously hyped by whatever the object of his attention was. "This," the blonde announced proudly, pointing a finger. "This amazing, honest-to-god, awesome machine."
Arthur followed the American's hand…and promptly face-palmed.
"America…" the Brit said lowly, irritated tick on his forehead. "You're excited…over a useless vending machine?"
Alfred had the decency to look offended. "It's not useless, old man!" he yelled indignantly, waving a hand. "It's fun!"
England raised an impressive eyebrow. "How is it not useless…?" he questioned, smirking a bit at the baffled look on the taller nation's face.
"It-it-" America floundered. "It's a claw game! You like, can grab prizes! You win stuff!"
The island personification gave him a level look. "Really, America?" Sarcasm heavily-coated words.
"Oh, come on!" Alfred whined, "Just try it! It's fun. Something you don't have, obviously, but still!"
"Shut the hell up, brat," England snapped, a bit peeved at the 'fun' comment. "I am not a child, so I won't indulge in such childish games."
"Pfft," America huffed, already fishing out 2 quarters. "Lies. But come on, Artie! Look at the watches, jewelry, boxes- uh—look! Unicorns. Blue ones, pink ones, rainbow ones. You're a unicorn-freak, so you gotta try!"
"It's 'got to', you idiot!" England corrected, but his interest was piqued at the words of 'unicorns.' The Briton went over to his brighter counterpart, looking intently in the clear box as he set their groceries down on the ground beside his feet.
Little plushy, multi-colored unicorns stared up at him.
England swallowed uncomfortably. Those beautiful stuff toys…
But he will not fall.
"So?" Arthur bluffed, backing away a little. "It's just a group of unicorn toys, what's the point? And you git, I'm not a unicorn-freak!"
America shrugged. "Yeah, yeah, lie as much as you want, old guy, we all know the truth. Now…" He slipped the coins into the coin slot, grinning in anticipation as the claw gave a twitch. "Let the hero have his awesome moment using his hero skills!"
His hand accidentally slipped and pressed the joystick button, and he watched in disbelief as the claw dropped down before slinging back up, grabbing nothing but air.
England barked out a loud laugh. "Oh, your 'hero skills'?" The elder nation teased, "I'm very much so amazed, Alfred."
"Shut up!" America growled, slamming a couple of quarters into the slot. "This time, I'm gonna get it for sure!"
A few tries later, the younger only had 2 quarters left, no prize in hand, and England was on the ground, clutching his stomach as he guffawed to his hearts content.
"Oh, dear god," Arthur gasped, slight tears forming at the corners of his eyes in mirth. "America, you-you-" He took another look at the spectacled blonde's disgruntled face, and erupted into a peal of laughter again.
"Shut up," America snarled, flinging the money at the slowly dying English man. "You think it's so funny? I like to see you try. Go on!"
England stood up, still chuckling. "If it appeases you, Alfred, I'll try. Even though I know it's definitely rigged…"
The shorter man was about to insert the coins when a random Wal-Mart employee came walking up.
"Yeah, it's rigged, dude," the employee stated, popping bubblegum. "That machine's a con."
America jumped in surprise as England spun around, both staring at the worker.
"What the bloody hell are you looking at?" The rainy island demanded, frowning. "Can't you mind your own business?"
The man shrugged. "I was on my way out to smoke a joint when I just saw the two of you playin' this load-a shit."
He leaned forward, clearly disregarding the Brit's bubble space, and he tapped the vending machine glass, musing, "Oh yeah, you, with the glasses-" he made a vague gesture towards the side of the machine, "—you stand there as your buddy man the joystick, 'cause the glass in the front here, is actually made to be an optical illusion. Glasses-boy, here, can be your guide on the target." The worker stepped back, chomping on his bubblegum disinterestedly.
Arthur and Alfred gave each other a strange look, before, with a sigh, the former leaned and slid the coins in, the claw opening slightly to show that the game was ready, while the latter blonde stepped to the side of the machine, peering into the glass.
"Bloody hell…" England muttered, moving the joystick as he watched the claw mirror his movements. "What the hell should I get?"
"You know what you wanna get, Iggy," the American snickered, flicking his fingers around to show where his former guardian should move the claw. "Since you're so girly, why don't you aim for the rainbow unicorn?"
England flushed an angry red. "Listen here, you sodding git, having an appreciation for beautiful things like unicorns doesn't make one a girl-"
"You better hurry up and press the button," the Wal-Mart employee caught their attention, rapping a smart hand on the glass. "You only got like, not even 10 seconds left before that claw falls."
"Oh shite-" the older nation felt his green eyes widen at the time limit going down to 2 seconds. "Alfred! Is this spot good? Is it right over something?"
"Dude!" Alfred exclaimed, "Just hit the button!"
"Damn you," was all England said as he jabbed at the button, turning his head away to not look at his sure failure…
…And he felt his head swing back, feeling the whiplash as America whooped, pointing at the claw as it moved upwards, holding a mini rainbow unicorn plushy encased in a box.
"Holy crap," America laughed. "You got it, old man!"
"Looks like ya did," the worker said, bemused, applauding lightly. "Congrats, furry-browed dude."
England was too overjoyed to care at the crack towards his eyebrows, and instead, leapt around, yelling ungentlemanly. "I got it! I got the unicorn! Hell yeah! Bloody fuck yes!"
"Calm down, Artie," America laughed, holding the Brit's arms steady, stopping the latter from hopping wildly around. "We know you got it."
"Hell yes, I got it!" Arthur roared triumphantly, smirking at the taller American. "And on my bloody first try, too! Beat that, you yank!"
Alfred's smile fell off like a dropping rock, and he glared. "Hey, hey, that was just a lucky shot, old man! And I was just having a bad day! On any other day, I woulda totally kicked your ass! Plus, I was actually congratulating you, so be nice!"
"You're just jealous," the Briton said smugly, before turning to the vending machine to await his prize.
The claw had finally stopped at the top of the box, already moving towards the hole in which the object in its grasp would be dropped through, and England grinned even wider at the sight, already imagining the feel of the plush unicorn's fur—
The claw was just at least three inches away from the hole when it happened.
With an audible twitch, the claw shifted, and England watched in mute horror as the unicorn in the mini box slid out of its metal cage and land back on the ground of the machine, looking mockingly up at the British nation as it lay amiably with its other unicorn friends.
The random Wal-Mart employee stopped chewing his gum.
Awkward silence ensued.
Then, with an enraged cry, England lunged forward, slamming his fists against the vending machine, shrieking, "No! NO! My unicorn! My bloody unicorn! Give it back, you bleeding American contraption! Give my unicorn back!"
"Dude!" America exclaimed, hands waving helplessly in his former adopted brother's direction. "Calm down! It's okay!"
"It is not okay, you git!" England raged, pivoting around to face the American. He hissed threateningly, eyes narrowed into green slits. "Shut the bloody fuck up and hand over the quarters, Alfred."
The Wal-Mart worker began to laugh. "This…is…too priceless," he wheezed, "Your friend is friggin insane!" Still chortling, the man stumbled away, intent on escaping the soon-to-be-crazy drama scene.
"I don't have any quarters, Iggy!" Alfred protested, backing up a bit. "Seriously, I don't!"
"You don't, do you…?" England said lowly.
Alfred gave a tentative nod.
"Liar," the island personification snarled, bending over to grip the Wal-Mart bag tight in his fist. "Hand the money over or so help me…"
America's eyes widened. "Hey…isn't that…Put my hamburgers down!"
"Give me the quarters," Arthur said calmly, hand reaching up to…point a finger gun at the bag? What…? "Or else."
This is the part where America panicked.
With any other normal nation/human, Alfred wouldn't normally even deem them a threat.
But with England, that's a different story. This particular nation still embroidered, drinks tea, claims magic is real (Psh, yeah right), and talks to imaginary friends. Oh, and also, said country was still holding Alfred's hamburger bag, yeah, Alfred F. Jones was fucking scared.
England was unpredictable, possibly bi-polar, old, and senile. Who knew what the Brit could do with a finger gun?
"No, Iggy!" America protested, turning to speak with the Wal-Mart employee, "Dude, help me-" The bespectacled nation almost let out a scream as he realized the human was gone. "No!"
"Hand the quarters over, Alfred!" England practically screeched, waving the finger gun threateningly. "I want my unicorn!"
"I told you!" Alfred nearly sobbed, eyeing his hamburger buns/meat in the Wal-Mart bag piteously. "I ran out of quarters!"
At that last declaration, England finally wilted, slumping slightly. "You…you don't have any quarters…?" He looked beseechingly up at America.
Alfred nodded, seeing things beginning to go his way. "Yeah, Artie," he said soothingly, scooting a bit closer to the Briton. "I have no money, so…put the bag down, all nice and slow- you don't wanna do anything you regret, right?"
England set the bag down with a 'thump' and his lower lip wobbled. He seemed to have apparently gotten past the 'anger' stage.
"I had it…" the island nation muttered, before screaming out, "I bloody had the unicorn!"
"What the 'ell is goin' on 'ere?" A different, elderly Wal-Mart worker yelled, poking his head around the corner as he glared at the two blondes. "What the 'ell?"
"Your fangled, American rubbish is rigged!" England loudly replied to the employee, kicking a 'gentlemanly' kick to the machine. It left a dent in the ebony-colored metal. "BLOODY FUCKING RIGGED!" The shorter man swiveled his head towards the human, tears starting to form at the corner of his eyes. "Damn it!" the nation gave an inaudible sob, "All I wanted was a mini-unicorn, and it fell out of the claw! Rigged, I say, rigged!"
America ignored the human entirely, focusing all his energy and attention on his burger bag as he dived for it, scooping the food-filled plastic yelling, "Daddy's got you, babe! I'm eating you all tonight! Iggy won't dare touch you now!"
The employee, clearly freaked out by the English nation's conflicting mood swings and the American's cannibalistic-sounding words, quickly ducked behind the wall, sweating bullets as he smiled shakily towards disturbed shoppers.
"I had it…" England continued to say, head down and arms hanging limp by his sides. "I had the unicorn…"
Alfred patted the elder nation on the back consolingly. "You had it, but now you gotta let go."
America looked up, and a grin graced his lips as he shouted out a greeting towards the newcomer. "Yo, Toris!" Then he frowned. "What the hell is Russia doing in Wal-Mart?" His eyes bugged out. "Dude! What's with all the crap in your hands?"
Lithuania came up, arms ladled with various toys, jewelry, boxes, and candy, Ivan coming up happily behind him.
"One at a time, Alfred," the gentle nation laughed, shifting his balance.
"You like my panda, da?" Russia asked, holding a toy plushy panda out towards America, smiling.
The blonde nation in mention stared into the button brown eyes of the toy and awkwardly said, "Er, yeah…whatever you say, dude."
"I named him Yao-Yao McBeary Bear!" Ivan said proudly, petting the toy's head with a large hand. "Won't China be so proud?"
Alfred really wanted to say that the mentioned Chinese man would actually be creeped out, but he held his tongue and looked towards Lithuania, questions in blue eyes, and Russia, already bored with the American's lack of response decided to move onto England instead.
"You like my panda, da?"
England glanced at the bear. "That's not a unicorn…"
"So…?" America began, looking at Lithuania.
Toris shrugged. "Eduard was with Feliks today, Latvia with Sealand, and since Belarus was stalking Mister Russia, he… decided to go with me to grocery shop." The word 'decided' actually meaning 'forced to make a hasty decision that didn't involve Natalia and her knives,' definition.
Alfred winced. "Yikes." He gestured towards the objects in the Baltic State's arms. "And the hell are those?"
A sly smirk made itself known on the normally compassionate man's face as he breezily said, "Oh, me and Mister Russia had tremendous success on the vending games…"
"What?" America gaped. "Wait, you're just pulling my leg, right? I mean, you just randomly bought those in Wal-Mart, right?"
"No, no," Toris said, shaking his head, "I didn't buy it, I got all these toys from one of the vending machines."
America felt his jaw unhinged and hinged. "Whattaya mean, 'one'?" He jabbed a thumb in England's direction, frowning, "Me and Iggy tried to get just one measly unicorn plush, and we still epically failed! How many quarters did you use?"
Lithuania smirked. "I used exactly two quarters."
"That's not possible," America stated blandly.
Toris shrugged. "It is…if you…let's just say… 'fiddled' with the insides a bit…turn the pressure up a little…change the oxygen levels…and also reset the time limit…" He smiled almost in a feral fashion. "You could go a long way…"
"Dude, you're evil," the bright nation said admiringly, shaking his head. "Evil…"
Then the American noticed the quiet. "Wait a sec…"
"Here, Arthur!" Russia said cheerfully, giving the panda to the stupefied England. "Yao-Yao McBeary Bear will make your unicorn-induced depression go away, da? Just like vodka!"
"I don't think you should do that-" Alfred began to warn, before with a growl, England wrenched the head off the panda.
All stared in horror at the mutilated teddy in the Briton's hands.
"It's not a unicorn!" Arthur yelled, flinging the bits and pieces of fluffing and fake fur to the concrete floor.
Seeing the shocked look on Russia's face, America grabbed his smaller companion's arms, making a beeline towards the Wal-Mart exit. "Bye guys!" The American called back, dragging England along, hamburger bag bouncing on his bomber jacket-wearing back. "Me and Iggy here, has to er, visit Poland to watch those favorite unicorn shows he likes to watch so much! Aren't we, Iggy?"
"Go bleeding screw yourself!" Arthur shrieked, resisting the motion. "My Little Pony aren't unicorns! They're bloody horses on drugs!"
Both blondes' last words were cut off as the automatic-sliding doors slid behind them.
"Yao-Yao McBeary Bear…" Ivan whispered, trembling. "England…England killed Yao-Yao McBeary Bear!"
Lithuania, foreseeing the destructive fate of the store, intervened, holding a Snickers bar out to the Russian.
Russia took it, sighing sadly, "I hope China doesn't disapprove…" He ripped open the wrapping and took a small bite. "Snickers solves everything!"
Lithuania just nodded, deciding to go along with the cold country's insane delusions, and took a chomp out of another chocolate bar.
Life was good.
China sneezed, hair flying astray as he picked himself off from the ground, shivering.
"Somebody's talking about me-aru," the old nation grumbled, sitting down in his chair. "Damn them."
Two Wal-Mart co-workers stared at the empty vending machine.
"What the hell…?"
The taller of the two peered in the glass closely. "It's…empty."
"That's not right!" the shorter said, a frown on their face. "We made this rigged! Well, at least they must have used a lot of quarters just to empty this thing out…"
The first shook their head. "No…I found only two quarters."
The second worker stared. "…That…that ain't possible."
"… They must be magical."
"…I believe you are correct."
UnluckyWriter: There! I'm done Star! Hope you're happy….XD And…*depressed* I had that bracelet…but it was rigged….*sob*