A/N Its been ages since I've updated but work and life in general got ridiculously busy so apologies for those who have been sticking with this story. I've probably only got another 2 chapters so will make a concerted effort to get it all done by xmas.
Disclaimer – don't own Glee, just borrowing characters...
Previously on Glee….
Finn and Rachel are having a little problem with their sex life, so Rachel goes to Santana for some expert tips. After skilling up Rachel, Santana takes on the job of trying to teach Finn how to have good sex, leading to some friction between our favourite couple...not helped by an unhealthy amount of unrelieved sexual frustration...
When we left off Finn had spent the afternoon 'studying' with Santana and Puck….
If Rachel thought things were bad on Monday afternoon, by Tuesday they were much worse. Her before school singing lesson meant she wouldn't see Finn until mid-morning recess. Her morning classes dragged and when the end of third period bell sent everyone to the cafeteria for sustenance, Finn was nowhere to be found. Puck just shrugged his shoulders with a knowing smirk when she asked where her boyfriend was before winking smugly and offering to stand in Finn's stead for whatever she might need. Rachel rolled her eyes in frustration, desperate to know what the mohawked teen had been doing with Santana and Finn the previous afternoon but refusing to give him the satisfaction of asking. Santana likewise was being deliberately obtuse regarding her after school activities and she knew better than to persist with that line of questioning.
To add to her building frustration, Brittney waylaid her for the entire break outlining her carefully thought out plans to introduce the unwilling diva to motocross that coming weekend. Rachel could barely drive a car let alone tackle anything on two wheels and for once she wished that her fathers had been a little less indulgent of her childhood determination that she didn't need to ride a bike because no-one ever cycled in New York. Not that she actually intended going motocross riding that weekend. No, she fully intended to be doing something else entirely, with her boyfriend, if she ever managed to track him down…
"We need to talk!"
Finn started awake at the sound of Rachel's voice. It was tinged with anger and punctuated by the sharp thud of books hitting a chair causing his post beer blast headache to return full force. He'd spent most of the day in sick bay until the nurse had kicked him out at which time he'd snuck into the choir room to continue his nap, completely forgetting that they had Glee club that afternoon.
"wh….what?" he muttered, hastily wiping the sliver of drool from the side of his mouth.
"I've been looking for you all day. Where were you last night?"
"At…at home," he stammered still trying to get his head together. "I was asleep."
"I rang you exactly twelve times, between six pm and ten fifteen, and not once did you answer the phone."
"Stalker…" Puck muttered as he entered the choir room.
"Shut-it Puckerman" the irate diva replied.
"Chillax Berry," he replied casually landing in the seat next to his suffering best friend, slapping a hand on his back. "Finn was with me."
Rachel folded her arms across her chest with a frown, eyeing both boys suspiciously. "So why exactly were you sleeping with Noah, Finn?"
"Huh?, I wasn't sleeping with anyone," he replied confused.
"I'm relieved to hear it," she snapped, "because I have reason to believe you were with both Puck and Santana yesterday afternoon."
"So what if he was?" Puck interjected, "'s not a crime."
"No it's not," she stated with forced calmness, "I'm just trying to understand what possible reason my boyfriend could have for lying to me about being home asleep when he was obviously with Santana?"
Puck casually leaned back in his chair so he could enjoy the full spectacle of Rachel's reaction while answering smugly, "Same damn reason you've been hanging out with her."
She didn't disappoint, her mouth dropping open as she looked uncertainly between the boys, a red tinge slowly creeping up her cheeks as the anger faded to something closer to embarrassment.
"You…you talked to Santana about….us" She queried looking at Finn her face now bright red. "How could you? You know how sensitive I am about you spending time with her let alone talking about...that with her."
"Well I'm not cool with you hanging out with her either," he muttered, "especially when I know she's like…. into you."
"I'm perfectly capable of dealing with unwanted sexual advances regardless of whether they are of a feminine or masculine nature," she replied primly flipping her hair behind her as she took a seat. "I'm more concerned about you given your past history."
"Well you shouldn't be," he replied tiredly, "even if she offered you know I'd say no. We promised each other we'd never do stupid stuff like that again."
"Exactly!" Rachel replied taking his hand and squeezing it lightly before leaning in for a tender kiss.
There was a long pause before Puck interjected into the lengthening silence, reminding the now enraptured pair of his presence.
"So Berry, if you guys weren't like, dating…would you?"
"Would I what?"
"You know, hook up with Santana."
"Noah!" she cried before continuing with forced patience, "while I appreciate your interest in Finn and my relationship issues, could you please just refrain from interjecting completely irrelevant questions!"
"What?" he shrugged innocently, "I'm just, you know, curious is all."
"As to whether I'm bi-curios?" she replied rolling her eyes as she felt her temper rising again. "What do you think?"
"I don't know," he replied leaning in with a wink, "'s why I'm asking."
"You have two gay dads," Finn added trying to be helpful.
Rachel rounded on her boyfriend dumbfounded. "Is Burt gay?"
"It's not genetic Finn!" she cried exasperated, "Why are you even asking me this?"
"Well she's like chick crazy and she's obviously into you…." Puck finished with a shrug.
"Yeah and she's like super-hot and she keeps going on about how much she wants to get in your panties, and how hot you are in your underwear…and I just…she like….you know…." Finn continued only realising his word vomit was getting him into serious trouble again when his girlfriend turned to him with fury in her eyes.
"No I don't know," Rachel replied between clenched teeth the frustration of the last week rapidly coming to the fore again, "spit it out Finn."
"Um, well she's really good at talking people into stuff you know," he replied backpedalling fast. "I…I mean I never really wanted to sleep with her, she kind of just talked me into it," he finished looking down at his hands as he suddenly realised this rationale was not helping matters at all.
Puck snorted beside him before glancing at Rachel, his eyes then widening in concern for his friend at the expression on her face. She was deadly quiet for a long moment but the way her nostrils flared he knew she was about to let loose with a total diva fit. When she eventually spoke her words were quiet and even, her teeth gritted firmly together.
"As much as I abhor gender specific stereotypes, the only way I can justify your logic and line of questioning at the moment, is by accepting that you're reasoning is completely influenced by the fact that you are a boy and that when it comes to matters carnal you apparently think with another part of your anatomy."
Puck snorted as Finn looked at her in fearful confusion. "Ah, you kind of lost me there Rach…"
"Let me spell it out for you then," she stated leaning in and speaking with false sweetness in her tone. "Regardless of whether I harbour any temptation to allow Santana 'into my panties' as you so succinctly put it, it is certainly one place that you won't be going for a VERY…LONG…TIME…."
And with that she executed a perfectly practised diva storm out, brushing past Santana in silent fury as the Latina sauntered casually into the room.
"Owwwww," Puck groaned as if he'd just been kicked in the nads. "Totally owned Hudson. But you know dude," he continued nudging him in the ribs and waggling his eyebrows, "she never denied it."
"Denied what?" Santana asked as she cast a curious glance in the wake of the departing diva.
"Whether Berry would do you…."
"Huh," she replied obviously amused, a slight smirk appearing on her lips.
Her self-satisfaction lasted only a minute though as she took in the sight of the two boys before her; Puck, cocky as ever, lounging casually next to Finn who sat with his head in his hands, fingers gripping his hair in frustration. Her eyes automatically went to the doorway the irate diva had passed through a minute before as she shook her head with a sigh.
"Please don't tell me you fucked up again Hudson…."
An hour later and Rachel was still ridiculously wound up; a vigorous session on the elliptical did nothing to relieve her mood, leaving her only sweaty and tired, a subsequent shower and impromptu sing-a-long left her just as tense as when she'd arrived home. She briefly contemplated relieving her tension in another way, however that thought was quickly squashed by the recollection that she kind of needed a little inspiration to get things moving, and at the moment she couldn't even begin to think of her infantile boyfriend in that way. As stupid as her conversation with Finn was, she couldn't deny that she had created the whole mess in the first place. Ironically, her plans to bring them closer together had only succeeded in pushing them further apart. And for once she had no idea how to fix things.
As she studied the contents of the fridge, she pondered the fact that turning to food was just another distraction. Besides, she really didn't want her dad's delving into her business which they inevitably would do when they returned home to a kitchen full of sugar cookies. Lost in thought she almost didn't hear the bell ring, but could hardly ignore the sound of Santana's voice accompanied by a heavy fist pounding against the front door a moment later.
"I know you're there Berry, open up…." She stopped mid-sentence as the small diva swung the door open.
"I'm really NOT in the mood Santana," the smaller girl stated, hands firmly on hips.
"And you think I want to be here?" the Latina countered pushing past her.
Rachel frowned, turning to follow as she closed the door, only to have the door push back against her hand. Turning, she started at the sight of her boyfriend leaning sheepishly against the frame, hands in pockets as he looked at her uncomfortably.
"If it's any consolation, I don't really wanna be here either," he muttered.
Biting her lip, she looked at him uncertainly, both unsure what to do next.
"Really?" Santana intoned, looking at the two of them awkwardly staring at each other. "Look if you two just want to skip the formalities and make out on the front porch I'm totally fine with that…"
At that Rachel rolled her eyes, glaring at the Latina as she strode purposefully into the lounge, Finn trailing behind. With a theatrical flourish she threw herself on the sofa, refusing to look at the other two as they entered the room.
"What are you doing here anyway?" she huffed.
"Group therapy," Santana stated flatly, pushing Finn into a lounge chair before crossing her arms and striding purposefully about the room. Rachel looked at her boyfriend curiously, to which he just shrugged his shoulders before turning his eyes back to the Latina who now stood before them.
"Ok so let's just cut the crap here guys so I can get out of here as soon as possible. This is a whole lot of mess that I didn't want to get involved in in the first place but since we've come this far I kind of feel obliged to see it through. Plus your virginal status is getting really painful to watch Berry, and as much as I've tried relieving you of it myself you seem pretty stuck on Hudson…"
"damn right she is," Finn muttered earning a thawing half smile from his still deliberately petulant girlfriend.
Santana rolled her eyes and took a step towards the door. "Great! Well I'll be leaving now so you two can sort this mess out on your own…"
"NO," Rachel exclaimed jumping up and glancing nervously at Finn, "I think it would be helpful if you stayed."
"Really?" Finn cried dropping his head back against the headrest before looking at her pleadingly, "I'm with Santana – she leaves and we work this out on our own."
"Says the boy who spent the last two days avoiding me!" Rachel replied hands on hips. "Look Finn, if I've learnt anything from my years of therapy it's that an objective view is sometimes constructive when dealing with complex personal issues."
"Oh so that explains why when it came to learning about sex you naturally went to Santana who hates you instead of your boyfriend who feels just the opposite."
"So now you're blaming me for wanting to improve our sex life?"
"Well I don't see anyone else here bringing in a so called sexpert!" he yelled in frustration. "Man, how can we even have a sex life when I can't get you alone for five minutes?"
"You're the one who gave up our make-out afternoon to play Halo with Puck and Artie!" Rachel shrieked in reply, "how is that helpful to our relationship, sexual or otherwise?"
"Madre de dios!" Santana interrupted with an exaggerated eye roll as the argument escalated rapidly. "SHUT UP!" she shouted causing them both to sit back in their seats. "While I generally advocate more physical ways of resolving relationship issues I can't in all honesty recommend that when you're both behaving like 3 year olds!"
"And don't even think about saying 'was not' Hudson," she challenged as his lips pursed together in a silent 'w'.
Finn huffed, crossing his arms across his chest but remained silent.
"Let's cut to the chase - we all know what the endgame is here right?"
"Endgame?" Finn queried obviously confused.
"Sex, Finnocence," the Latina replied with impatient sarcasm, "You and Rachel get to have sex."
"Cool..." he replied, a tentative smile appearing on his girlfriend's face.
"Sooo," she continued looking at each of them in turn, "you are both going to shut up and listen and answer the questions honestly as I ask them and not lose our tempers again."
They both nodded in agreement a tentative glance passing between them.
"OK So Rachel, obviously a point of frustration for Finn has been your choice to engage me as your personal 'sex therapist', which I will just say that I am totally awesome at." Finn rolled his eyes as Santana continued on. "Why don't you start by explaining to Finn your reasons for doing this."
"Of course," Rachel replied turning to her boyfriend. He raised an eyebrow as she took his hand and sat forward eagerly, that familiar intense look in her eyes that usually came before a really long speech.
"I'm fully aware of how tumultuous our relationship has been in the past, and now that we're together for the third time I want our relationship to go the distance."
"Totally," he replied his response earning him a pleased smile as she patted his knee.
"So obviously the success of our physical relationship is integral to the growth of our emotional relationship."
"Uh-huh" he nodded.
"and given your relative inexperience in carnal matters combined with the fact that I am myself a complete neophyte….."
Finn's brows drew together in confusion as she continued on.
"…I thought it best to engage an expert. After all, the sexual patterns and behaviours we establish now will have to sustain us throughout the rest of our lives."
Santana sucked in a breath as her eyebrows shot into her hairline. Finn looked at her, confusion evident in his expression as Rachel smiled serenely at him.
"Okaaay," he nodded, "What exactly does that mean?"
"It means Finn," she replied taking his hand tenderley, "that if we are to be together for the next fifty years, if we want to be life partners, it's important to get this right at the very beginning."
"Way to kill the mood Berry," Santana muttered under her breath.
Finn looked between them, the blank expression on his face replaced a long moment later by a frown of comprehension. "Wait…does that mean I only get to sleep with one person for the rest of my life?"
"Uh…kinda not the point Finntard…." Santana interrupted but not quick enough as the diva snapped.
"You already slept with Santana, how many more meaningless hook-ups do you need?"
"And there she blows," the Latina muttered, standing hastily as Finn threw himself back into the sofa with a roll of the eyes and Rachel huffed indignantly.
"OK lets just get through the next five minutes 'cos frankly snix is begging me to kick some sense into both of your sorry butts and right now I'm inclined to let her have at it."
Rachel cast a worried eye at her still belligerent boyfriend before refocusing on Santana.
"Look Finn," the Latina continued with forced patience, "bottom line here is that Rachel did this because for some misguided reason she thinks your weird potato head and Michelin man six pack are totally hot. I did tell her straight up that you didn't know the first thing about sex so you'd hardly know the difference if she was just as sucky in bed as you, but you know Berry, just has to be a damn expert on everything. So Finnocence how about you suck it up and get over it because without my help you guys would just be a whole lot of hot mess, floundering around with no idea what you're doing."
"But that's just it," he exclaimed standing suddenly and pulling at his hair in frustration. "I don't want porn star Rachel, or sex vamp Rachel. I want sweet, innocent Rachel, the one who sometimes doesn't know what she's doing but practices until she's the best she can be; the one who's vulnerable and makes mistakes and lets me help make her better; the one who doesn't judge me on what I get wrong, just helps me do better. So yeah if it takes fifty years to get it right then that's how long it'll take 'cos that's the Rachel I know and that's the Rachel I love and that's the Rachel I really, really, really want to have sex with."
"Wow," breathed the girl in question, her eyes focused on the angrily pacing teen before her.
Santana looked at her sharply, instantly recognising the slightly glazed expression and flushed cheeks as she gazed at her boyfriend in all his righteous anger.
"Seriously? This is what turns you on? Finnoncence angry is about as sexy as papa smurf on a bad day.''
Rachel straightened, reining in her sudden lustful thoughts as she addressed the other girl. "Whilst I will forever be a staunch defender of the feminine right to respect by the male populace I have to admit that I'm ironically turned on by Finn's display of masculine frustration and his spontaneous assertion of his rights as a dominant partner in the sexual relationship."
"Wh…what?" Finn stumbled, "I only got the bit about sex and frustration."
"Exactly!" said Santana standing abruptly and making her way towards the door, "and if you two can't work out what comes next I give up."
Rachel rose hastily to follow the Latina, biting her lip and casting a wary glance at Finn who threw up his hands in frustration before sinking back down on the couch.
"Great, thanks Santana - now we're in a worse fight than we were before and I still have no idea what the hell is going on!"
"Work it out dough boy," the latina threw back over her shoulder, "makeup sex is awesome so if I don't hear my girl Berry hear hitting those high F's from Lima Heights in the next hour I'm coming after your pasty ass."
And with that she exited the room, grabbing her coat off the rack as she opened the door preparing to make as quick an exit as she could. Rachel grabbed her shoulder as she crossed the threshold causing her to roll her eyes as she turned back.
"Look Berry my job here is done – I'm pretty sure I reached the limits of my patience and expertise about two days ago…"
"I know that Santana," the smaller girl interrupted quickly, taking the Latina's hand and squeezing it, leaving her with an expression of surprise and confusion. "I…I just wanted to say thankyou, for myself and Finn, even though he doesn't express it very well, I'm sure he appreciates your help just as much as I do."
"Yeah, well I'm awesome so get over it."
"You really are," Rachel said sincerely with an intense look that Santana wasn't sure how to interpret. "I'm going to hug you now…" she continued, much to the Latina's surprise who could do nothing but stand there and accept the fact that the small diva had wrapped her arms around her, squeezing her tightly. After a long moment of stunned silence on her part where she found her own arms had automatically wrapped around the other girls body she eventually shook herself out of her surprised stupor.
"Really Rachel?" she queried in her usual sarcastic manner, "I've spent the last week trying to teach you to have sex with a man and you change your mind now?"
"I'm not switching teams Santana," Rachel replied crisply, "this is merely a display of friendly affection to show my appreciation. It's what friends do you know."
"Fine Berry," the latina scoffed before giving a little wiggle and whispering in the other girls ear, "but just so you know, your boobs can appreciate mine anytime you like."
"Oh my God!" Rachel exclaimed pulling back, hands automatically going to her hips. "Must everything be sexual with you?"
"I'm joking!" she laughed in response.
When Rachel merely rolled her eyes the Latina turned to put on her coat, grabbing her keys as she did so.
"Wait…" Rachel said as the opened the door to leave.
"Jesus Christ Berry – what now?" the Latina cried in frustration. "You've got your man sitting on your sofa, you're all turned on by his ridiculous little hissy fit and your parents won't be home for hours – what else could you possibly need?"
"Ummm…that's the problem. How do I get him to calm down and think of …other things?"
Santana rolled her eyes "Ok last bit of advice treasure trail, there is a fine line between being angry and being turned on and believe me it don't take much to cross it, you just have to nudge him a little."
"H-how do I do that?"
Santana frowned for a moment as if she was attempting to solve a great conundrum. "See I'd just walk back in there naked but I'm guessing you might want to try something more subtle."
Rachel's eyes widened and her jaw dropped open in shock. Santana snorted as she turned and walked out the door, calling over her shoulder as she did so.
"Close your mouth Berry, and lose the panties…."
Reviews appreciated – you never know, it might help me write faster ;)