A/N - thanks for the reviews and comments - short chapter but next one is much longer and hope to post in the next week or so.
Still don't own Glee...
Chapter 2 - Santana's story
Ok so I've never been a big believer in Karma, because to be honest, if I did believe in it then I might have to actually be a little bit nicer to everyone around me. I'm big enough to admit that I'm a total bitch to everyone I know, except Brittney, but that's my schtick. People expect it and I deliver, and really Karma was just a bunch of ancient Indian humbug designed to try and make people be nice to each other.
So the day that Rachel Berry walked up to me and asked for some sex therapy, I suddenly got the strange feeling that my day of reckoning had come. I might be the school's resident expert in all matters carnal; I might be open to any sexual opportunities that come my way, but this one just weirded me out way beyond my imaginings. Just the thought of trying to teach a giant and a dwarf to have sex was wrong in so many ways. Add to that the fact that said dwarf was the most annoying, obsessive, repressed and controlling person I'd ever met and that giant ball of karma was rolling towards me big time. And don't even get me started on Finn. I mean for a supposed total stud athlete he was kinda soft around the middle and his V-card should have come with a learner's permit as much as he knew about nailing a chick – I mean hadn't the guy ever watched a porno before? Two people like that shouldn't be allowed to procreate –seriously, if you were too stupid to work out how to have fun getting naked you didn't deserve to have good sex. Wasn't that like some scientific theory – survival of the fittest or something? So like there was no way I was going to meddle in the natural order of things. And believe me, there was nothing natural about having those two naked together.
"No way Hobitt." I replied slamming my locker.
"Santana, this morning you made me an offer and now I'm taking you up on it – you can't just renege."
I can't what?
"What offer?" I asked impatiently. This whole conversation was doing my head in and I just wanted to get out of there and find Brittney so I could talk to someone who made sense.
"The one where you offered to assist Finn and I overcome our….. intimacy problems."
Frowning, I racked my brain trying to remember that morning's conversation. Nope, it was gone – I said a lot of stuff on the fly but I kept it real and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have made an offer like that.
"Look hobbit," I replied staring down at her while pushing my finger into the middle of her chest to make my point. "I'll pay for a motel room and a condom but I am not getting down and dirty with you two. There ain't enough sanitiser in the world would clean my eye sockets of that horror."
She just stood there looking at me, hands on hips, my finger still planted in the middle of her chest, with that determined expression on her face. It's kind of scary when she does that because you just know she'll never give up until she gets what she wants. She used to look at Finn all the time like that. Like since they broke up in December… and now it was June…and they were back together. Crap…
Rolling my eyes I crossed my arms in front of me in my classic defensive pose. She still hadn't moved and I kind of had to admire the fact that she wasn't intimidated at all. Besides Lauren Zieses she was pretty much the only chick at the school brave enough to stand up to me. As much as I hated Rachel Berry I had to give her props for having balls.
"Explain to me why I would even consider helping you out with this?" I asked knowing I was sliding down a slippery slope of inevitability.
Her face broke into a huge smile as she took my arm and steered me away from the traffic in the corridor around the corner so she could launch into one of her gigantic speeches.
"Santana," She began her hands pressing lightly on my forearms that were still crossed across my chest. "As you know I have two gay dads. While they are very knowledgable in the areas of safe sex and relationships in general, neither of them have ever thought about being intimate with a woman. let alone having any knowledge of the female anatomy or erogenous zones…."
How does she manage to make sex sound so boring?
" I considered discussing my problem with Miss Pilsbury-Howell," she rambled on, "but she doesn't seem very confident in her sexuality and from previous experience her counselling abilities are highly doubtful…. in fact they usually consist of a lot of wide-eyed nodding and a box of tissues which is not what I need at this juncture."
She was right. Miss Pillsbury-Howell, despite being married to the finest dentist alive, still seemed to have her knees nailed together. Asking her for advice on how to get down and dirty was totally pointless.
"…and although she has offered her services as a maternal confidant, I don't feel it's at all appropriate to be discussing this with Finn's mom. So you can see Santana why I have come to you - I need hands-on expert tips that will show me how to reach my full sexual potential and you are the obvious candidate to teach me."
Wait…did she just said hands-on? Does Berry know I like girls? She has got a hot body… in fact I would totally do her if I could get those stupid toddler clothes off and shut her up…and 5 minutes with my tongue in her pussy and she'd totally be singing a different tune….
Ok I need to focus here. I'm pretty sure she's not after a hook up with me, and I'm about to agree to something really gross if I can't get my mind out of her panties.
In a way I was kind of flattered that she'd asked me. I mean I wasn't known for being an expert at anything besides being a bitch and having sex so being asked to use my special skills for the greater good gave me a little confidence boost, not that I didn't know I was totally awesome already…OK Rachel's still standing here in front of me with this hopeful expression on her face, it's kind of the 'I'm so into this idea and just by staring at you with a stupid smile on my face I'm gonna convince you it's awesome too' look. And damn it if it wasn't kind of working. I could see she was totally serious about this and I know for a fact she really needs help in this department.
So what was in it for me? Aside from there being a slight chance I might be able to get her naked myself, showing her how to have enjoyable sex might actually give her another obsession besides Glee and show tunes, which would totally get her off everyone's back…and might actually let us all have a cool summer without her trying to organise rehearsal's every day. That was a win. And you know what? I'm kind of curious as to how this is going to go. I've never got my kicks in the usual way, I mean I have to be torturing someone else to really start having fun, and at the moment there were so many awesome ideas rolling around my head about how to break down Rachel Berry's frigid existence.
With a slow smile I looked down at her and nodded. A second later I had an armful of a squealing Rachel Berry who seemed to think I wanted to be hugged at this exact moment. Whatever, her boobs were pressed against mine and that was all I wanted to think about right now.
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