Starship/AVPS Parody: Sista Taz
Taz sat in a chair in the female recruits' quarters, watching the new recruits. All of them looked like airheads, the dumbest idiotas she had ever seen. Taz smiled to herself as she ran through her plan to scare the mierda out of them. But it was all very necessary to toughen them up if they wanted to be good Rangers.
"Ahem." Taz cleared her throat, and the recruits stopped what they were doing, glancing over curiously at the small Mexican. Rising to her feet, Taz walked over to the girls, looking them over, holding her gun close.
"Now chicas," Taz spoke, "I know dat jou all are new to dis Starship Ranger program, and I know dat some of jou may be nerviosa or frightened."
A couple of girls nodded.
"Pero chicas," continued Taz, pacing around the recruits, "I'm here to make jour time at G.L.E.E. as 'totally awesome' as possible. 'Cause chicas, I'm not jus' a Lieutenant or Starship Ranger. In fact, I like to t'ink of all of jou as… mi hermanas!"
The girls looked at each other, slightly confused.
"Which makes me… jour big sister! And a very lovin' and carin' sista I am!" Taz grinned evilly, patting a couple recruits on their heads.
"So for all of us chicas to get along in de girls quarters dis year, dere are jus' some very simple rules dat must be obeyed," Taz said, standing in front of the quarters. The girls sat up, listening intently.
"Rule Número Uno," began Taz. "No chicos…"
Many of the girls scowled with disappointment.
"…Unless dey're cute," Taz finished, smiling.
And the girls cheered, giggling with each other excitedly.
"Rule Número Dos: No alcohol… unless dere's plenty to go around!"
The girls sqealed with delight, bouncing in their seats.
"Y Rule Número Tres… No parties."
The girls grinned, waiting for her to finish.
"…Unless Taz ees invited!"
The girls cheered their approval, smiling broadly at Taz and each other.
"Oh, chicas, chicas, jou make me feel like a recruit again!" winked Taz, patting one on the shoulder. She laughed, and the girls laughed with her.
"But seriously," Taz said sternly, "If I do catch you wi' any chicos or alcohol, I'm goin' to rip jour perky little boobs off!"
There was a collective gasp from all of the girls, and a surprised, terrified silence fell. After giving them the death glare, Taz smirked, and began to pace in front of them.
"Dat's right," Taz said, pacing. "From now on, we gonna be doin' things round here my way. We gonna be doin' things round here… THE STARSHIP WAY!"
A small Asian recruit sitting in the front began to cry. She wouldn't stop, despite her blond friend's attempt to hush her. Taz stopped next to her, and without warning, lifted the scared girl out of her seat by her ponytail.
"Oh, lo siento," Taz hissed in her ear. "Did I make jou cry, jou chubby little fart?"
She released her, and her blond friend tried to calm her down.
"Dat's all right," murmured Taz, looking at the tears on the Asian's face. "Human tears are very natural. In fact, when I was a young recruit, tears would flow from m' eyeballs all de time."
The recruits just stared at the Mexican, utterly confused and horrified.
"Until one day, when my Commander Up said to me, 'Taz! Girl, jou stop that bitchin', jou get that scowl off jour face, and jou get up offa that ground, girl! GET ON UP!'"
One of the recruits, a frizzy-haired frumpy one with foggy glasses, immediately jumped to her feet.
"SIT DOWN!" Taz yelled at her, and the recruit did.
"An' from dat moment forward, I picked up any'ting dat I could find, an' I hoisted it over m' head! An' I ate nothin' but tortilla shakes, pico de gallo, and ROCKS."
The girls looked at her, scared out of their minds, frozen to their seats.
"'Cause I tell jou chicas, it's a man's world out dere, and to get ahead, jou gotta be stronger dan un hombre! Jou gotta be… a WO-MAN! I AM TA-AZ! HEAR ME SHOOOT!"
And with that, the Mexican fired off several rounds of bullets into the ceiling. The girls screamed in terror.
"So get up, chicas! GET ON UP! FORM A LINE!" screamed Taz, and the girls all jumped to their feet, hurriedly forming a line.
"Dress up dat line!" Taz shouted, and the girls stood up straighter, quivering in fear.
"It's jour sista Taz's job to keep her little sistas safe!" yelled the Lietenant, walking to the end of the line. "And I'm goin' to do jus' dat."
And with that, she walked down the line, smacking each girl on top of the head. The girls whimpered, scared shitless.
"To do dat, I'm gonna toughen you chicas up! From dis day forward, jour gonna do 500 pushups a day." The girls groaned.
"Except for jou, February," Taz suddenly said, pulling the blond girl out of the line. "Jou don't gotta do a dead Goddamn thing."
"Oh, good!" the recruit giggled, looking thoroughly happy.
"Yeah, 'cause everybody already just t'inks jour dead Goddamn perfect," Taz whispered in her ear angrily. "Don' they?"
"Well, I certainly hope I haven't given them any reason not to think so!" February responded, smiling broadly.
Taz just glared at her for a second. Then she began to snicker, which turned into a chuckle, which turned into hysterical laughter. February just stood there, giggling nervously, a red flush creeping on to her face.
"And graciosa, too!" Taz stopped laughing. "Isn't she jus' a fudgin' peach, chicas? DON' WE JUS' FUDGIN' LOVE HER?"
February, looking like she was going to cry, turned to go back to the line, but the Mexican grabbed her by the hair, ignoring the terrified shrieks.
"Lesson Número Uno, chicas. Little skanks like her are always gonna get whatevah dey want!" Taz shrieked, and she let February go. "And de rest of jou, jour gonna havta eat each other to get ahead, 'cause dat's just da way G.L.E.E works for frumpy little recruits like JOU."
There wasn't one girl in the room who wasn't shaking or in tears. Taz smiled, pleased at how well her plan had worked.
"Now chicas," said Taz, walking over again to the line, "Head on to the bathroom and brush dem cute little teeth of jours! If I catch you outside of de quarters in 2100 hours, I won' be afraid to stick a red-hot zapper up dem cute little perky buttholes of jours."
The girls immediately began to run to the bathroom.
"Because dat's what m' Commander did to me, and I won' be afraid to do it to m' hermanas!" Taz called after them. "Lights out!"
Taz watched as all of them left the room. After she made sure no one was watching, she fell to the ground, laughing so hard she thought she would piss. "Suckers," she gasped.
Up came out of a closet door, also laughing. In his hand, he held a video camera. Taz stood up, wiped a couple tears from her eyes, and went over to Up. "How did dat sound?"
"I think they're gonna be very dedicated to G.L.E.E from now on," Up snickered. "That was probably the best hazing ceremony I've ever seen."
"Gracisas," grinned Taz, and she bowed. "C'mon, let's go show the others. Dere goin' to get a kick outta dis."
And the Lieutenant and the Commander left the room, laughing harder than they had in a while.