Though it would be fantastic, I do not own BTR or the song in this fanfiction. The song is "Stand Forever" by the fabulous Heffron Drive. Enjoy!
"So, Logan, the fans are dying to know: what do you look for in a girl?" Kendall had asked me during one of our interviews. He stared at me intently, as if his life hung on what my answer would be – or maybe that was just my imagination. What wasn't my imagination, though, were those sparkling green eyes, that crooked goofy smile, and that melodic voice.
Whoa, Logan Henderson! Shake it off! Kendall is a GUY…Your BEST FRIEND. How are these thoughts invading your mind, slipping past your defenses? My mind screamed this at me, telling me that I was just tired and was becoming delusional.
"Logie? You should look at the camera – tell the fans what you like in a girl." He smirked that distinct Kendall smirk, and as if involuntary – just like breathing – I smiled back. I could feel my cheeks burning, knowing I had been staring at Kendall for the past several seconds with this apparent longing in my eyes. Well, apparent to me, and I guess James and Carlos as well. I knew it was the look that I reserved for Kendall and only Kendall. Carlos called it my "Kendall eyes." If only Kendall could see my "Kendall eyes."
"Well, let's see," I began, rather nervous to say anything because I knew how it would sound. "Well, for one, I like someone I can trust. Trust is very important." Kendall leaned in as if he could read my mind.
If there was only one person in the world that I truly trusted, hands down it was Kendall Schmidt. He was one of the most trustworthy, amazing, protective guys I had ever met.
Finding my way back out of the labyrinth of those emeralds, I continued on in my list. "I like a great smile." My eyes were glued to Kendall the entire time with a gigantic grin plastered on my face, wondering if it was obvious that I could sit here all day listing the characteristics of my dream person. Of the person I'd known practically my whole life. Of the beautiful man staring into the camera with a smile that could light up the entire universe.
Once again regaining composure, I finished. "I also like a great laugh." A laugh like that, I thought to myself when Kendall chuckled, as if presenting to our fans my definition of a great laugh, in case they dared try to replicate it in some farfetched hope to win me over.
And with that, we moved on to other questions. Unfortunately, I couldn't focus on the words I was hearing and tried frantically to piece them together. The only words I could focus on were those three words I'd wanted to say to Kendall for years now. I knew this was right, that I should feel this way – but I still didn't like the idea of it. Kendall was the only person I had ever felt like this with. I had to bite my lip just to force that trio of words to stay in my heart.
Kendall is as straight as this life is cruel. As far as I know. He is always looking at beautiful girls and trying entirely too hard to get them to notice him. He would always say, "I'm not James. I can't just flip my hair, crack a smile, and say 'hi' to get a girl to look at me and pay attention to me." I always told him that he was perfect the way he was, and that if a girl couldn't see that, then she wasn't worth it. I never understood how leader, bold, fearless Kendall had so many insecurities about his appearance. I thought he was more beautiful than 5 trillion Jameses put together. I didn't understand how people couldn't just look into his eyes and crumble like I could. He always said this too after another girl that intrigued Kendall ran off with James: "I'm not you, Logan…I can't just look at a girl and watch her crumble into my sparkling eyes or infectious smile. You're so lucky."
Sparkling eyes? Infectious smile? He has to be describing himself, I thought to myself. However, my heart begged to differ and beat in time to the speed of sound at those words that could describe ME, Logan Henderson. I would have to crash into a pot of gold for that to happen. Lucky? I would think to myself every time he said it in that voice that made me melt every time. I don't consider myself very lucky. The only time I truly felt lucky was when I spent time with him, when he complimented me trying to build my self-esteem, when he looked at me with those greens. But that luck just crumbled away as I realized that Kendall and I would never be more than friends. Kendall certainly didn't see me the same way I saw him.
I've tried denying how I feel about him, telling myself it's just his damn Kendall charm. He could make anyone swoon and fall under his spell whether he realized it or not. I should know. I had fallen for him many times over, and I think I could comfortably say that though it goes against everything I've ever known, I was in love with a certain Kendall Schmidt.
After our interview, I asked my best friend if he was okay. Anytime I asked him a question, he zoned out, those chocolate eyes intensely surveying my green ones, hiding secrets so deep down that not even I could decipher them. "Hey Logan – are you alright? You seemed a little out of it during our interview." I put my hand on his forehead, hesitantly (for I knew what would happen just as the palm of my hand made contact with his smooth skin), to determine if he had a fever and wasn't feeling well.
Just as I laid my hand to his forehead, it felt normal temperature, but there were those damn sparks again. That damn tingling sensation that scurried throughout my body every time Logan and I touched. What the hell is wrong with me? I thought to myself. Logan is your best friend. You like GIRLS, not guys…Especially not Logan Henderson.
I saw a rosy shade of pink flood his perfect features as my hand rested on his forehead, and he quickly moved away. "I'm fine, Kendall," he answered. "Really. Don't worry about me."
What Logan didn't know is that he was all I ever worried about. Anytime he seemed lost or confused, I tried my hardest to retrieve his mind from whatever dark recesses it resided in and pull it to the light he put in my eyes. I was probably more protective of Logan than I should have been, but I thought it was obvious, and he never seemed to mind if it was.
"Well, as long as you're sure," I said with a still concerned voice. I dropped my hand slowly, not wanting to, feeling the cold air around us fill the space between my hand and his forehead. I wanted to tell him how I felt about him. I wanted to kiss him, but instead, I reluctantly turned and walked to the restroom.
Logan and I have been best friends for practically our entire lives. I always knew I cared about him, always knew I loved him – but never did I think my emotions would run this haywire. When I was with Logan, nothing else in the world mattered. With him, I always had a great time, whether we were playing hockey, shooting for Big Time Rush, or just chilling in the apartment that we shared with James and Carlos. Yeah, I knew I cared about him and loved him – but I thought it was just as my best friend. Over the past couple years, though, something has been different…
When I walked into the restroom, I went immediately to the sink. I looked at my reflection in the mirror, not realizing how confused and torn my face looked until I looked into my own green eyes and saw the turbulence in them dimming them ever so slightly. I washed my face off with cold water, hoping that it would wake me up from this Logan fixation, but when he walked into the restroom, I knew there was no turning back.
I hadn't even noticed that I was making my Kendall eyes until he walked away and I felt my face fall. Did he feel the sparks? Did he feel the tingle? Of course he didn't! I screamed in my mind. Kendall is your BEST FRIEND…Nothing more, nothing less. I had to shake myself from my thoughts. My intention was to turn the other way and start packing up to head back to the apartment to see James and Carlos. They knew how I felt, and I needed to talk to them. However, my intention was fleeting, because before I knew it I was walking in the same direction Kendall had vanished into.
The way his face looked when he was concerned for me, when he had his hand on my forehead, was impressed in my memory. His eyes were not sparkling, his smile was only small, and I wondered what was wrong. He hesitated before he walked away, as if he was going to say something. I really wish he had, but he turned quickly toward the restroom – the same restroom I was now involuntarily walking toward.
When I cracked open the door, I could almost hear him mentally screaming at himself for something. For what, though, I had no idea. Then, I watched as he splashed cold water onto his troubled face, dampening his blond hair. I wished I could run to him, take him into my arms, and run my hand through that blond mane. Maybe kiss his forehead and tell him that everything would be okay, that I would never let anything happen to him. But I wasn't brave like Kendall was. I wasn't fearless. And so, instead of doing what my heart willed me to do, I pushed the door aside and slowly walked in.
He looked up, almost startled to see me, but almost – was it relief? It's just your imagination again, Logan. Instead of hugging him like I had fantasized only moments earlier, I walked slowly toward him. "Are you ready to head out? I'm sure James and Carlos are worried that we haven't been back yet," I inquired, my voice sounding so small. Kendall chuckled, and I automatically felt a smile rush onto my face. "I'm sure they are doing fine without us," Kendall answered, not without his Kendall smirk and a small sparkle in those emeralds. "But yeah, I'm good to go when you are, Logie," he finished before walking toward me and slinging his arm carelessly around me.
I really wish you wouldn't do that, Kendall, I thought to myself. It's making it that much harder to tell myself that I'm not in love with you. But as much as I fought it, I loved the feel of his strong arm around me, as if he would protect me for the rest of my life, as if with him I was always safe. He was the one person I always felt safe with. Maybe it was because of the way he was so protective of me. Or maybe it was just because I loved him and wanted to feel safe with him, like he would never break my heart or abandon me.
"Alright, let's head out then," I said, and in a burst of confidence I slung my arm around his waist. He didn't freak out like I expected him to. Instead, he pulled me closer to him as we walked to the car. I could only imagine that those who saw this scene unfold before them would think, oh, those two must have been friends since they were in diapers! Which isn't wrong. But that's not how it felt to me. In that moment, I felt that maybe Kendall and I could be more than friends. In that second, I hoped that maybe Kendall loved me like I loved him. Nothing could go wrong. But then, when we arrived at the apartment, I shook myself from this fantasy and rushed to see Carlos and James.
When we got to the apartment, I was slightly saddened to see Logan rush off so quickly, but he was probably going to check on James and Carlos. I threw myself onto my bed in the room that I shared with Logan and grabbed my guitar, a pencil, and my song notebook.
This was how I relaxed – how I sorted through my thoughts and emotions after a long day. I had been working on a song lately. I liked to think of it as the song for the girl of my dreams, but it was turning out more and more each day to be the song for Logan, telling him how I felt, telling him how much I cared about him and loved him. It was called "Stand Forever" and so far I had the chorus and I strummed my guitar and sang from the heart, as I always did:
I'll stand forever and ever,
and maybe one day we'll be together.
Now if you could only see me from the way that I see you…
Now if you could only see me from the way that I see you…
So please, baby, go dry your eyes.
The last thing I wanna do is make you cry.
Now if you could only see me from the way that I see you…
Now if you could only see me from the way that I see you…
As I sang this, memories of Logan rushed to my brain. I remember one day in particular that I had invited a girl over. Her name was Leona. She was a new girl, and she seemed really sweet. She had dark brown flowing hair, and chocolate brown eyes. She was about Logan's height. I tried flirting, gaining her affection and attention, and then James walked in, and the rest of the time she was there, she acted as if I didn't exist.
I was surprised to realize, though, that it wasn't the fact that she ignored me that hurt me the most. It was Logan's face when I was trying to win her over. He was standing in the corner, his arms crossed, looking like he was trying to hold himself together. I could see the way those beautiful chocolate eyes dimmed with pain almost as he tried to look away from the scene before him, but couldn't, as if he was forcing himself to see some reality that he hated the existence of. He smiled a small smile when he realized I had been quietly studying his reaction. See, Logan and I made a pact that we would never date a girl the other one didn't approve of, because we were always together, and if a girl was going to enter one of our lives, we would be spending time with her together quite frequently. He must have been comforted at the thought that I wanted to know how he felt about the girl, so I was studying him for his reaction.
But I was almost shocked when I came to the realization that there was a completely different reason I was looking at him. He intrigued me, and each time he was around, his presence overwhelmed me. After studying him, and studying Leona flirting with James, I realized that there were so many things about Leona that were Logan-like. The way she smiled with those dimples. The way her hair always looked perfect. The way her chocolate eyes sparkled when she was happy. The way her laugh made me want to laugh. The adorable shade of pink that flushed her cheeks when she was complimented or embarrassed. All of those characteristics made me realize that she was merely a female version of Logan, and that's why I wanted her to notice me, to love me, to be with me. Because I thought Logan would never see me that way. Because I felt like I needed to date a girl.
But all of that was changing.
After talking with James and Carlos, I felt a whole lot better. They had told me that I needed to tell Kendall how I felt or it would eat me alive. They told me that if they were as good judges of Kendall chemistry as they thought they were, everything would turn out for the better for me. They told me that when Kendall was around me, his eyes were brighter. His laugh more contagious. His smile lit up not just a room but an entire town. And the look on his face when he looked at me was a look of pure love. When I was hurting, they noticed Kendall was hurting, and looked as if he had to restrain himself from wrapping me in his arms. And I trusted James and Carlos. So that night, I was going to tell Kendall Schmidt how I felt about him. I was going to be the fearless one for once. Kendall would be proud of me.
As I walked to the room Kendall and I shared, I heard him singing in his entrancing voice and playing his guitar. I had heard this song before, but I heard a verse I had never heard before and couldn't help but smile a very wide smile:
Let's start it off with a breakdown, baby,
I've been quietly studying you,
Standing off in a corner with your arms crossed,
Eyes locked, staring at the scene unfolding before you.
And I'm not sure if it was me that you smiled at,
But one more drink and I'll be past that,
And into you so please, don't question,
When I, when I take your hand away and go.
It reminded me of me – of my reaction that time he was trying to win over the affection of a girl named Leona. And then James came in and swept her off her feet. Kendall looked so hurt, so depressed, which hurt me to see. I was standing in the corner with my arms crossed, trying to hold myself together from falling apart. Kendall was looking at me, and I couldn't help but smile. It made me think that he had remembered the pact we made many years ago. Then, his façade completely changed after I smiled. Those rare emeralds sparkled brighter than the sun. That thousand-watt smile brightened the entire room. That laugh of his filled the empty caverns in my mind. His gaze kept shifting from me to Leona, flirting with James. I couldn't help but wonder what was going through that mind of his under those locks of gold. And he laughed even more.
It wasn't until then that I realized how much Leona and I looked alike. Even Carlos pointed it out. He said, "Logan, dude, that chick could be – like – your fraternal twin sister or something!" And I couldn't help but smile even brighter. It was true. And it was nice to have this image in my brain, this hope that Kendall liked Leona because she was a female mirror image of me, as I waited for him to finish singing and walked into the room.
I had just written down a new verse to my song when I heard the door open slowly. I quickly stuffed my song notebook under my pillow, shoved my guitar under my bed, and sprawled out on my bed, awaiting to see who was coming in. I'll be honest – I hoped that it was Logan. Call it a crazy burst of confidence, but I really wanted to sing this song for him.
"Hey Kendall, I hope I didn't wake you up," a sweet-as-honey voice that belonged to none other than Logan Henderson said as he poked that beautiful head into the room we shared. "No, it's cool, Logie. I was just chilling on my bed," I lied. I wanted Logan to know about the song, yes, but not quite yet. I was usually confident, fearless, but whenever I looked into the shining eyes that belonged to the man I had come to love, I grew nervous and felt – was it vulnerability? Yes, it was. He was the only person that could do that to me – make my walls and defenses crumble around me.
He looked determined, his chocolate eyes narrowed in as if he was on a mission, and I didn't want to disrupt this look of confidence on his face. It was absolutely adorable and it made me melt. To see my shy, adorable friend so confident, so dead-set on something all of a sudden – I would never forget that look on his face. Ever. It was intriguing.
"Listen, Kendall, I – " he started with a small voice as he started toward me to sit next to me on my bed, but my phone rang interrupting him. "Hold that thought, Logie." I didn't want him to – I wanted him to finish what he was going to say. His face fell a bit, his eyes dimmed ever so slightly, and that determination slowly dwindled. But he must have known who was calling by the way I collapsed to the floor. And then his face was filled with concern as he rushed to sit beside me on the floor. When my dad's name came up on my phone, I tensed and knew I had to answer it.
Dad, I really don't want to talk to you right now. It is ruining this moment between Logan and I, I thought to myself. But my dad wasn't someone you could ignore. Even if I would have liked to. He left my mom, my two brothers and I when I was 10 years old. He hated me – he couldn't handle yet another boy. Especially a boy like me. He kept telling my mom that I was "different" so he could never call me his son. It wasn't until a few years ago I realized what he meant by "different" – until I realized how I felt about Logan. I must have felt that way my whole life and never even realized it. And that was the exact problem. My dad was a homophobe and would have burned me alive if he knew how I felt about Logan. So he left and called it quits with my mother, never to return. All because of me. Only over the past few years has he even attempted to talk to my brothers, my mother, or I to see if we were all still alive. I've still to this day never been able to say it wasn't my fault that he left, even thought Mom wouldn't rest until she tried as hard as she could to convince me that it wasn't my fault and that I couldn't blame myself. But in my opinion, it was no one else's fault but mine. I was a disgrace to him. So he ran away from that disgrace. From a beautiful, strong woman who loved him. From three boys not far apart in age that could have looked up to him. Because of me, the disgrace.
"Hey Dad," I whispered into the receiver with a faltering voice. I didn't realize that tears were falling until I saw one land on Logan's hand that was resting on my leg. "Kendall," he said in his cold, steely tone. "You aren't with that boy, are you? Because you know if you are, I'm going to have to disown you." Tears fell more rapidly, and Logan tried his best to brush them away before they could touch the ground and shatter, as he knew my heart was doing in this exact moment. "No, Dad," I lied. "He's not here. He went to run errands," I lied yet again.
By this time, Logan's perfect features were distorted with concern, confusion, and hurt. I studied that beautiful face, as there was a pause on the line. He knew about my dad leaving because I was "different" and because he couldn't call me his son for it, but he didn't know that it was him that I fought with my dad about. Him that saved me when all was going to Hell. Him that I couldn't get out of my mind and took endless beatings for before my dad left. See, I didn't know that I saw Logan as more than a friend when my dad was around, but apparently my dad saw right through me. Anytime I spent time with Logan, I would get beat. Anytime I mentioned his name, I would get beat. But that never stopped me from spending time with him. He is and always has been my best friend – except now I was wanting more with him. I wanted him to be my boyfriend. Now I could see why my homophobic dad acted like he did. Because I had always loved Logan whether I was aware of it or not.
"Well, I better not hear later on that you and that Henderson boy are together. Because things will happen to you if I do – nightmarish things that will scar you forever. You just wait, Kendall Francis Schmidt. You just wait."
I gulped and hung up, letting the phone slip from my fingers to the floor below. My conversations with my dad were always like that. But this time was different. This time I felt like something was being ripped out of me…maybe my heart? I cried into Logan's shoulder and he more than willingly comforted me, running his fingers through my hair, holding me in his arms. He never asked what went on in the conversations between my father and I, but he never needed to. He knew when I was hurting, and that seemed to hurt him.
"Kendall. Breathe, dude. It'll be okay. Nothing can happen to you now. I won't let it," Logan started. And then I chuckled a small chuckle and saw that Logan's face was nothing less than confused as he pulled away to look into my eyes. "I feel like I should be saying that to you, Logie," I said in a small voice. "That's more of a Kendall line than a Logan line." He smiled that absolutely stunning smile with those to-die-for dimples. "Well, there are plenty of times you have been Kendall-ish for me, but right now, it's my turn to be Kendall-ish with you. You need me right now. I don't know what he said, but your father upset you, and that upsets me," Logan added, his face full of nothing but love and worry.
He pulled my head back into his shoulder, stroking my hair more, allowing me to cry more and let it all out. He would interject a "Shhh, it's okay" there, or "Calm down, Kendy" here, and I just felt better. I felt safe. I felt cared about. "Logie?" I inquired between sobs in a tiny voice that usually came from him. "Yes, Kendy?" he asked, looking deep into my eyes as if searching for the words that I really wanted to tell him. "Thank you. For everything. For being there. For being my best friend. Just, thank you." That's not what I wanted to say, but those were the words that flooded out of my mouth.
If only I could say to him, "Logan Phillip Henderson, I am madly and irrevocably in love with you." But the time would come for that. Right now, I just enjoyed him playing with my hair and the feel of his strong arms around me. I drifted into this moment, and it carried over into a dream – a dream that I would do anything to make come true.
I looked deep into Kendall's eyes – this fragile, broken Kendall was a Kendall that I had only seen a few times. It was very rare that he cried, but when he did, I would always wipe his tears and hold him in my arms. He thanked me, just as he always did when we had moments like this. I was hoping he would say more, but he didn't need to. Just knowing that I made him happy made me happy. I stroked those golden locks more, held him tighter to me, and occasionally thought about kissing him on the head. But I didn't. At least not right away.
When the crying subsided, I thought I should help him to bed. He needed sleep. I could talk to him in the morning. I could wait just a little longer. I had for the past few years, what's a few more moments?
As I helped him up off the floor, he collapsed into me, knocking me unintentionally onto his bed with my arms around him. I thought he was crying again when I realized he was silent. He had fallen asleep in my arms. He looked like an angel. Oh, who was I kidding? Kendy is an angel. I helped the sleeping Kendall maneuver into his bed and tucked him in. He curled up like he often did while he was asleep, his arms looked ready to hold something, as if he needed someone in the gap of those big, strong arms. I'll be honest – I silently wished it was me. Though I never intended to, I brushed that golden hair aside and kissed Kendall's forehead after tucking him in. "Good night, Kendy," I whispered. He smirked that Kendall smirk even in his sleep. Then, I hurried into my bed in case he woke up and wondered why I was awake, or just wanted to make sure I was still in the room with him.
Not long after I fell asleep, I awoke to a nightmare. I sat up in my bed, almost hyperventilating. I had dreamt that there was a man – a man that hated Kendall. A man that beat Kendall, and put him in the hospital. It was the most horrifying thing I'd ever dreamed in my entire life. I looked over to Kendall's bed to see him still there. Except he was no longer asleep – he was leaning on his elbow staring at me as I slept. His breathtaking emerald eyes were full of concern. When he saw me jump up, he ran over to my bed and gathered me into his lap, wrapping his arms around me.
"Logie, are you okay? You were tossing and turning and when you bolted up, you looked horrified." I didn't realize I was crying until Kendall took his hand and brushed my tears from my already tear-stained cheeks. I leaned into him, holding onto him as if I would never have to let go. "I am now," I answered in a whisper. This was my chance, my moment to tell Kendall how I felt. I was the center of his attention right here in this moment. But just as I was about to say something – to let the words from my heart overflow to my mouth – I felt something touch my head, softly, gently. It took me a moment to register that Kendall had just kissed my head.
I looked up at him with my Kendall eyes. Before I knew it, before I could control it, words were rushing from my lips. Finally free. "Kendall, I don't know how you're going to react to this, and I hope that it doesn't change anything unless it's for the better, but I love the way you hold me, the way you brush tears from my cheeks, the way you ruffle my hair, the way you touch me, the way you look at me, your smile, your laugh, your hair, your eyes, your voice, the way I feel when I'm with you – just everything about you. I love you, Kendall Francis Schmidt – more than I thought possible to ever love anyone or anything."
I let out a breath I didn't realize I had been holding after that mess of words finally came out. It felt as if a burden had lifted from me – like if I died right now, I would be happy because I was in Kendall's arms and had just told him what I had been dying to tell him for years.
His eyes sparkled brighter than I had ever seen them sparkle in the time that I'd known him. He cracked that goofy smile that was enough to light the entire universe. He chuckled with that infectious, wonderful chuckle. I must have looked shocked that I'd actually said that to him for that type of reaction. Before I knew it, Kendall took my face in his hands, ever so gently, as if I was a china doll that would break at any given moment. "I love you too, Logan Phillip Henderson. I always have, I always will. I love everything about you, everything you make me feel. You have my heart, Logie – you always have."
And after that confession that made butterflies explode in my stomach and wings sprout on my heart, Kendall leaned in, and before I knew what was happening, he pressed his lips lightly to mine. I felt like I was on fire – like this fire of my desire could finally consume me, and I loved the feeling more than any feeling I'd ever felt. After a sweet, soft, short kiss, he pulled away. I was slightly sad that this kiss that I had wanted for so many years was so short, so I leaned in and pressed my lips to his. He smirked that sexy Kendall smirk into the kiss and deepened it.
Never in my life did I think I could be happier than I was right now in this moment with the man I'd loved my whole life.
After kissing Logan – something that I had wanted to do for so long – we curled up in his bed together. He laid his head on my chest and ran his hand in small circles on my stomach. This moment could never be more perfect.
"You should get back to sleep, Logie. I don't want you to be tired for rehearsal tomorrow." Logan let out a sigh. "The only way I'll go back to sleep, Kendy, is if we stay like this – like we are right now. I like it. I've waited so many years for this moment – I want to revel in it. It's like a mini-victory for me." I chuckled and started playing with his soft, silky brown hair. "As you wish, Logie. I wasn't planning on going anywhere anyway. You would have to force me out of this bed." Then he chuckled that adorable chuckle of his. "I would never do that," he replied.
As I played with his hair, I started singing the song I wrote for him. "I love it when you sing, Kendy," he said. "Are you going to sing me to sleep?" I chuckled again. "Only if my Logie wants me to," I replied. "What song is that?" he asked. "I wrote it. I wrote it for you, Logie."
"I love you, Kendy." I chuckled yet again. "I love you too, Logie." And then I sang again. Soon after, I knew my Logan – yes, finally MY Logan – was asleep. I put my hand over his and fell peacefully to sleep.
I hope you enjoyed this. It's my first fanfiction :) Comments are good :)