10First off, I want to dedicate this story to my amazing friend Elyse. She is one of the nicest people I've ever met, and was awesome enough to edit this for me. Secondly, I just wanted to say hi. That's all. And I hope you enjoy my story. Okay. Shut up, Heather. Gosh.
Disclaimer: I do not own the Twilight Saga. That belongs to Stephenie Meyer. I also to don't own The Lonely. That belongs to Christina Perri.
Summary: This is what could have happened in New Moon. What I know some people would have done. Songfic. OneShot. Christina Perri.
The Lonely
2am, where do I begin
Crying off my face again
I don't want you. His words echoed in my head, leaving me stunned. I had always known deep down inside that he could never really want me, a mere human, but that didn't make the words hurt any less.
I felt the first tear start to slide down my cheek, and then… he was gone; out of Forks, out of my life, and out of love for me. If he had ever really loved me, which now was starting to seem impossible. If he had truly loved me and I was his mate like he claimed, then how could he bare to leave me?
The more I thought about it on that damp forest floor the more clear it became. He had never had any true feelings for me. I was just some toy that he thought was fun for a while, until the newness wore off, and then he left me, probably in pursuit for a newer, shiner toy. How many times had he done this? How many girls had he tortured? How many hearts had he ripped apart in his quest for entertainment?
None of it mattered though. I couldn't hate him. I loved him. I loved him despite all of his imperfections, despite the fact that he had never loved me. I loved him, and gave my heart to him. And now all that's left is a huge hole where my heart should be; a big, empty, aching hole.
The silent sound of loneliness
Wants to follow me to bed
I got up off the forest floor – my clothes already soaked through – and made my way towards my house. I felt completely numb, and completely alone. When I had moved here I had relied on myself, and I had thought that that was what loneliness was. I thought loneliness was being physically alone, but that wasn't it at all. You could be surrounded by a thousand people and still be lonely. It was a state of mind, a thought in your head, an emotion in your heart. It was more than a phrase or a word for people to use carelessly. It was an impenetrable wall off suffocation, a jail created by your emotions, something that was all-consuming and unbreakable. I now knew the true meaning of loneliness.
Making my way inside, I pulled off my jacket, not paying attention to where I dropped it. I was only going through the motions, doing what was necessary. I went upstairs, turning on the water to the bath. Putting it almost as hot as it would go, I stripped down. As I lowered myself into the water the stinging sensation made me feel something other than the aching where my heart used to be. It made me feel alive, even if only for a moment.
As soon as my body got adjusted to the temperature any thoughts I'd had about having a bath were gone. No more heat meant no more pain, which meant I was back to feeling empty.
I'm the ghost of a girl
That I want to be most
The next few days continued like nothing had ever happened. Well, on the outside, that is. When Charlie would come home, I'd already have dinner ready and we'd share a quick meal before he'd go to watch sports and I'd go upstairs. That's when any façade I had would fall.
I'd go into my room, pulling out the blades I had from previous razors that I had been too lazy to throw away. I'd walk into the bathroom, locking the door behind me. I'd turn the water to a scalding temperature, put my arm next to it, and… slice. As the cool metal would cut through my skin, I'd finally have feeling in my body, even if only for a moment. Then, the wound would start to bleed and my fun would end. I'd have to wash the cut, and put a bandage on it. I'd then return to my room as if nothing had happened.
It was like a game, you see. Cut myself, clean myself, and then see if anyone would notice. No one ever did. We lived in Forks you see; a place where a jacket is required every month of the year.
I'm the shell of a girl
That I used to know well
My life continued like that for about a month, until Charlie said he wanted to talk to me.
"Bella…" he sighed, sitting down next to me on the sofa, "are you okay?"
"I'm fine, Dad. Why?" I felt a panic that he might know my secret; that my game was over.
"You've just seemed a little off lately, that's all." Internally, I let out a sigh of relief, and disappointment. It seemed irrational for me to be disappointed that he didn't know, but the feeling came all the same.
"I know that you were close to the Cullen's, but don't let this keep you down forever." I knew Charlie meant well, but as their name left his lips I felt a familiar stabbing pain in my heart.
"I don't know what you're talking about. I'm fine. No reason to be worried, okay?" I threw the lies at him, knowing he would take it. He, like me, wasn't one for conversation, especially one so serious.
"Okay, kid. If you're sure." With that he returned to his sports.
Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you
That night I cried myself to sleep. To me, it couldn't be explained, nor rationalized. I had hardly cried since the incident, so why would I finally start to cry now? What was so special about now?
I tried not the think about it, or think at all, as I drifted off into sleep.
I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Let you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again
I woke up screaming that night. I covered my mouth, feeling a coat of sweat covering my face. Wiping it away, I got out of my bed. I grabbed my razors, and then went into the bathroom, checking the lock behind me.
As my blood flowed down the sink I imagined my memories going with it. I'd dreamt of the incident, remembering every word spoken, every movement, every tiny detail. My brain had stored it all away in a deep recess of my mind only for it to be replayed every night. It was a bittersweet type of torture. Like, he was almost there again, and then he was dragged away from me, being revealed as only a memory.
Too afraid, to go inside
For the pain of one more loveless night
Soon, the cutting wasn't enough anymore. It was like I'd done it so much that my body had adapted to it. Why couldn't my body do that to the aching in my chest?
I tried other things, but nothing was working. Without that release of pain my mind started to turn dark. I couldn't find a reason for anything anymore. There were no more spots of sunshine in my day, no reminder of life; just emptiness.
I knew what I had to do.
For the loneliness will stay with me
And hold me till I fall asleep
Planning was easy. Charlie was hardly ever home, being the chief of police and all. That also meant that he kept a gun in the house at all times. All I had to do was pick a time and place.
I'm the ghost of a girl
That I want to be most
I was finally going to do it. After weeks of planning and gathering, I'd decided. Charlie would be working late today, so he probably wouldn't be home until around ten or so, which gave me plenty of time.
Closing the door to my truck, I made my way inside the house, and started to gather my supplies. First, I went to Charlie's room. Walking over to his nightstand, I opened the bottom drawer revealing a hand-gun he kept in-case someone ever tried to break into the house. Picking it up, I tested its weight in my hand. I didn't know much about guns, and Charlie had never been all that social when it came to anything, so I didn't expect it to be so heavy.
Sticking it in the side of my pants I went into the kitchen grabbing the knife I had used just the other night to make fish. I doubted Charlie would want to use it after today.
Next, I went into my room. Setting the gun and knife down on my desk, I grabbed some paper and a pen, writing down my final thoughts.
I'm the shell of a girl
That I used to know well
Charlie.
Know that this isn't your fault. Nothing you could have said or done would have prevented this. Just know that you're my dad and I'll always love you, no matter where I am.
I wish I could have been more honest with you, and that when I said "I'm fine," you would have figured out I was lying. I wish that we had talked more and done more things together. I wish I had been strong enough to tell you all the things I wished for, because then they probably could have come true.
But see, dad. I'm not strong. I couldn't tell you. That's why I'm here, writing this letter. But you are strong. Your life will go on after mine ends, you'll see. You're a fighter, always have been, and I'll always admire you for it.
Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you
Renee.
Remember when we went on that wilderness adventure? I do. I remember how you pretended to know everything hoping to impress our guide, and I remember laughing at your silliness. That memory used to bring me joy, but now… everything is empty. Nothing makes me laugh anymore, and nothing brings me joy.
I know you'll try to blame this on yourself, or Charlie, but don't. It's not your fault, or his. The fault is mine. I put my trust in the wrong people, gave my heart away when I should have kept it guarded.
I'm telling you this in the hopes that you'll understand. Just remember, I love you. You were never normal and definitely not the typical mom, but that's what made you so special. Don't ever change.
I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Let you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again
Cullens.
I have no idea if you will ever read this or not, but I felt the need to write this letter anyways, if not for you, as much as it is for myself.
Carlisle and Esme. Just know that, you were the father and mother I never knew was possible. You were both the back-bone of the family, the thing that kept everyone else strong. You were heroes in my eyes; saints. But now… I can't help but wonder about how truly noble both of your actions were. You both knew of Edwards little games and yet you did nothing to stop them. You let him chew me up and spit me out. Once, you called me your daughter. I guess you lied.
Alice. You were my best friend. If I felt upset or I needed someone to talk to I knew you would always be there, never judging. I now know why you never judged me. You never actually cared. You only acted nicely towards me to appease Edward, and left the first chance you got. I hope you're happy with the outcome of your actions, and if you're seeing this in a vision, know that you could have prevented this.
Emmett. You were the older brother I never knew I wanted. You made fun of my when I tripped, joked around with me, and you were always there to ease the tension with a lame joke. I loved your bear hugs and your booming laugh and I thought you loved me too. But I guess you like to play games as well. I thought you cared, but obviously not if you left your "baby sister" so easily. Now, all your jokes haunt me. Every time I blush or trip I think of you and your family and the pain that comes along with it. All of your jokes have been twisted around, and I only see the ugly side of them. I bet that was your plan all along. Well, it worked.
Jasper. I never really knew much about you, and I have to say I'm grateful. You stayed away from me most of the time, kept your distance. I must commend you on that much. Your fault, however, is all the times that you were there to calm me down and ease my emotions. For some strange reason it made me think you cared, even if it was only a little bit. But now that I know you don't care, you don't have to worry about having to feel my sisterly affection towards you, because it's all gone. Everything is.
Rosalie. You were everything I wasn't: pretty, graceful, elegant. You were also the only one that never lied to me. You never pretended to like me, nor did you ever pretend to care about me. I just wanted to say thank you. Your honesty means everything.
Edward. I loved you more than words could ever say. I still love you. Even though I know that everything was a lie, that every kiss we shared and every word you spoke was fake. Because to me everything was real and no matter how hard I try it'll never go away. You were this beautiful, wonderful person that swept me off my feet and made me feel alive. I wanted to spend forever with you. I wanted to be forever with you. Too bad none of that actually matters. I'm just another girl you used and abused. How many were before me and how many will be after? How many innocents will you subject to your sick game? I feel so stupid now. All those times you told me you weren't ready or didn't think you couldn't control yourself… you always said it was you, and I believed you. But it was always me. It wasn't that you didn't want to take things farther; you just didn't want to take them farther with me. I'm just a human after all; completely disposable. Knowing what I know now, I can't live. I couldn't have lived even if I didn't realize these facts because my life would have been without you, and with you not here life seems completely pointless. You once told me you'd never leave me. You lied. I once told you I'd never do anything reckless. I guess we're even.
Broken pieces of
A barely breathing story
Where there once was love
Now there's only me
And the lonely...
Folding up the separate pieces of paper, I grabbed the knife and the gun, and went into the bathroom. I didn't bother locking the door as I turned on the water and set the knife and gun down at the edge of the tub. Setting the notes on the counter, I began to strip until I was only in my black underwear. Something I had picked specifically for this occasion. Something I knew Alice would have approved of.
Gently, I lowered myself into the water, making sure that I wanted to do this. Everyone that I had loved and I thought had loved me had left me. Abandoned me like some animal they didn't feel like looking after anymore. Now, it was just me, and the lonely.
I was doing this.
Dancing slowly in an empty room
I eyed the gun one last time, before deciding against it. The only reason I had grabbed it was in case my plan A failed; my plan A being the knife, of course.
Picking up the knife, I held the handle tightly, and began to slowly lower it towards my arm. I knew that a lot of people attempted suicide this way and generally failed because they couldn't cut deep enough because of all the pain. I wasn't worried about that. The pain a knife could bring was nothing compared to what I felt now. Anything had to be better than this.
Can the lonely take the place of you
I pushed the blade in as deeply as I could and quickly slid it across my wrist. The blood started to pool from it, but I paid no attention, going to work on the other wrist. I couldn't grab the handle nearly as well as I had the first time, but I managed as best I could, digging the blade in and repeating the process.
Dropping the knife on the tile floor, I sunk into the water, closing my eyes. The pain felt magical, and I could already feel myself beginning to get dizzy.
I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Lazily opening my eyes, I saw that the water had now turned a beautiful crimson color. It immediately reminded me of Edward and how he'd fought James off for me.
Before I even realized what I was doing, I started to sing my lullaby; the one that he had supposedly written for me and only me. I didn't care if he'd used it on a hundred girls. It still felt like mine.
Let you go and let the lonely in
My humming soon stopped and I began to sink farther down into the water, my thoughts loosing focus. This is it, I thought. I'm really dying.
My nose sunk below the water, cutting off my oxygen supply and guaranteeing my end. As I tried to take in a breath, and inhaled water I smiled – at least in my mind – for the first time since they'd left.
It doesn't matter that I'll never see you again, I thought. It doesn't matter that I'll never get to hold you again; never get to say all the things that I wanted to. You were my everything and you always will be.
To take my heart again...
I love you…
Well, let me know what you think. I'll take constructive criticism, and you know how much us authors secretly (and not so secretly) love praise. :) But I really would appreciate if you would just take a minute to leave a review. It would make my day.
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~A-O-N~