Hi all. Massive apologies do not even begin to cover how sorry I am for this gap. The timing was rather unfortunate, as I was unexpectedly moved halfway across the country where mynew life, A levels, band and girlfriend all swallowed me up. But I'm back now, i promise! Hoping to update every two to three weeks realistically from now on :)

Pain is something I have developed the utmost skill in suppressing throughout the years.

When I first became Bella Suicide, I simply existed. Wandering like a wraith through shadowy cities in the dead of night, feeding on whatever poor unfortunate crossed my path. I was the ultimate hunter, silent and unseen. I stalked through the land, killing and burning wherever I went. I had utterly no regard for my safety, indeed I was reckless enough that I was a miracle I did not provoke the Volturi. I became what these weak, pitiful humans had always portrayed our kind as: In fact it was almost amusing, how strictly I adhered to the vampire stereotype.

In the beginning, felt nothing. Nothing but thirst and the desire to kill.

But as time went on, my fury began to grow. It was a slow building thing, and for so long, thirst had been my only sense and thought. But once awoken, it could not be denied. It began small; a tiny recollection of what I had once had: a flash of green eyes under a dirty streetlamp, in a side-alley.

But it grew. I travelled to the city of Seattle. Close enough to home to hurt, but not so close there was any chance I would be recognised. I stalked the city night after night, seeking out humans that bore resemblance to my lost love.

When I found them, I tore them apart piece by piece, and drank my fill of their blood.

It left me cold and empty. They were not the ones I wanted to harm, not the one whose blood I desired. Well, maybe not their blood...but you get the picture. No, it was then that my plan was created. I would destroy the one who had taken everything from me, and I would take down the whole of the vampire world with it.

And now here I was: Standing onstage, the entire world at my feet. I was Bella Suicide, but I was so much more. I was the destroyer, I was the avenger. I was the narrator of this little story, and now it was up to me to dictate the ending...which left me here. Pretending to be little-miss-Bella-Swan in this ridiculous brown wig and contacts, wearing an oh-so-pretty little white nightgown, the picture of innocence. And all just to get a rise out of Edward. But hell it was working! The twisted expression hadn't left his face for the entirety of the song; he looked at me with such mournful eyes I could barely hold back my laughter.

And yet...I wasn't laughing. It was foolish of me to choose that last song –foolish! And yet I knew not what else to write of...If I cannot let my past escape through my pen, then I would fear for the entire world, lest it should come out through my actions. But standing onstage next to Edward awoke such strange emotions in me. Things I did not wish to feel, memories I had believed long forgotten. The only thing keeping me from crossing the glass stage right there and then, fans, and family and band members is damned, and revealing to him the truth –was the knowledge that the broken look in his eyes was not my creation.

He was mourning bloody Tanya again.

Cruelty doesn't come naturally to me...but I had to cultivate it, in order to survive. And so what if Eddie was bearing the brunt of this?

As he turned to look at me, the quiet desperation in his eyes was difficult to witness. But I had not wasted seventeen years on this plan for nothing. I cast him a quick, bored glance, and strolled to the front of that stage, where I addressed the hysterical crowd. I could feel his eyes following me, his expression tortured.

It amused me.

It was only then, that my supposed 'perfect' vampire recall allowed me to remember what song we were playing next. I choked down the laughter bubbling up inside of me as I saw Alice gesturing wildly. Making a split-second decision to stay in costume, I nodded to her, and took a quick glance at Edward. Poor boy looked a bit distracted...hardly up to the standards necessary for speaking to a testosterone-fuelled ten thousand strong crowd of hysterical humans. Ignoring him, I strode to the very lip of the stage, and looked out into the darkness.

Oh mere mortals...if you only knew.

Sweeping my gaze right to left across the crowd, I waited until the screaming had abated somewhat. "Okay everybody" I murmured, listening to the echo of my voice all across the arena. "We only have two more songs left tonight, and I hope you don't mind if I...slow things down a little"

The resounding howls left no doubt that indeed, the crowd had no objections to this.

I simply stood, centre stage. I made no move to look behind me: If he didn't begin soon enough, Alice would make him.

Sure enough, moments later, I heard faint strains of music that quickly developed into the opening tune for one of my favourite songs. When I say favourite...I do mean most likely to provoke a reaction from Edward.

But provocation came with a price attached. I strongly disliked the recollections triggered by this song...still. We all have to make sacrifices in life. Gazing out across the crowd I stood, motionless in white, letting the words slip between my lips barely above a whisper.

"I'm so tired of being here

Suppressed by all my childish fears

And if you have to leave

I wish that you would just leave

'Cause your presence still lingers here

And it won't leave me alone"

Whoever was playing the piano was doing a terrible job of it –even for a human. Unfortunately Edward had no such excuse for the pitiful notes he stumbled over. It would appear this was affecting him more than even I had predicted.

Oh! How terribly tragic...

"These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

"When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of these fears

I Held your hand through all of these years

But you still have

All me"

I hadn't looked at Edward throughout the entirety of the song. This was difficult for me to sing –yes I could admit to that. Perfection comes with conditions; that of brutal self honesty. But as I wandered slowly back and forwards across the stage, watching the blue and pink beams of light slowly criss-cross over my luminous skin, I sang to the crowd. What the crowd didn't know, was that this would be my last ever concert as Bella Suicide.

No one knew. Not Edward, not Heidi, not even my bloody manager knew! I smirked at the thought of her reaction when I vanished off the face of the earth. Her big find...all gone. What a fucking pity...I almost wished I could be there to see the tantrum she was bound to throw.

So I stood there, the light breeze ruffling white lace around my ankles, and tickling strands of synthetic hair against my face. I blinked through the flawed muddy brown contacts, and I watched the multi-coloured wave after wave of humanity singing the words with me.

"You used to captivate me

By your resonating light

But now I'm bound by the life you left behind

"Your face it haunts

My once pleasant sleep

Your voice it chased away

All the sanity in me"

They were all singing it. Human after human, weak feeble mortal voices raised into the night, their ugly, imperfect faces shining with tears in some cases. It was almost...sweet.

Unless of course, you're me. In which case you sneer at these pathetic mortals that think they can compete with your stunning voice. Oh how I hated humans...

And vampires for that matter.

Edward seemed to be adjusting better to the song –he wasn't stumbling nearly enough for my liking. I still hadn't turned around to look at him though. That would be... unhelpful. I didn't need to see the man I wrote the bloody song about, looking right at me as I sang it. Stupid boy...

"These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

"When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of these fears

I Held your hand through all of these years

But you still have

All me"

My voice fell and rose, as I stood still, swaying gently with the music. Call me vain, but I must have looked like an angel to the audience. My luminous skin sparkling subtly under the lights, my white nightgown swirling frothy lace around my slender form. Mysterious...inhuman.

But it wasn't enough for me. The ache was growing in my chest; the throbbing hole reasserting itself, mocking my hope that it would one day disappear. I was already dead...but this kind of pain would never fade entirely.

And I wanted Edward to feel it too.

Lights flashed around me and I spun and jumped, landing instantly by Edwards's side. I heard a warning hiss from Alice, and I knew I'd moved too fast. But I just couldn't bring myself to care anymore.

Standing just behind, to the left of Edward, I slid my hands over the hard muscles of his shoulders, feeling him tense and relax as he moved his fingers across the piano. He, for the most part, ignored me. So as I tangled my fingers in the stray locks of bronze hair at the nape of his neck, I leaned forwards, ghosting my breath across his neck. I felt him shudder, and I smiled.

Sliding my hands across his throat, and up the hard angles of his cheekbones, I hooked my fingers under his mask. Everything had disappeared now, the audience, the stage, the whole plan. Everything except the music. I could hear it swirling around me, the piano melody telling the story of my life, making the gaping hole in my chest ache with longing. Leaning towards Edward, I sang the words directly to him, hearing my voice almost break in reaction.

"I tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone

But though you're still with me

I've been alone all along..."

As I sang the final line of the bridge, I slid the mask off Edwards face, and cupped my hand under his face, tilting him towards me...


One moment, Edward was in my arms, and then I was almost knocked to the ground by the wind created as he disappeared. I was standing alone, and Edward was gone.

Well doesn't that feel familiar?

The sheets of music fluttered from the piano, and I realised the crash had come from the piano bench splitting in half; the ruined pieces of polished black wood littered the platform, and there were deep gouges in the silver. It was as if time had stilled, in the moments between Edwards flight, and the humans becoming aware. The backing musicians slowed, looking at each other in fear and bewilderment, then eventually came to an awkward halt.

Suddenly I saw him. Crouched on the other side of the stage, bent over on his knees with his face raised to the sky. At that second, he felt my eyes on him and turned slowly. As he rose to his feet, I could swear was going to attack me. His eyes were stone cold, and jet black. Then as he looked at me, his twisted expression turned from murderous, to absolutely cold, and dead. He looked like his heart was broken.

All the lights went out, plunging us into complete darkness. A small part of me was aware I had Alice to thank for this. Edward was seconds away from bringing the Volturi down on us all and thank god someone was thinking. Unfortunately it was right about then that the humans stopped murmuring in confusion, and started screaming.

But I had no eyes for them. I was frozen in place, watching as Edward Cullen shot me one last broken look, and walked slowly off the stage.

From where I was, I could've sworn I faintly heard the words "I'm done here".

But that may have been just my imagination.


I stood completely still, stunned.

Who would have thought Edward had it in him to actually take a stand? I have to admit...while I was pissed off (Furious) that he had done it onstage (MY show!) and I was going to be very annoyed (Scream. Kill. Rip. Tear) with him. But damn, Edward had more guts than I thought!

And a tiny little part of me couldn't help but feel smug that I affected him so much.

The darkness had hued the stage all the colours of a perfect night, and I could see faint glimmerings, scattered across the arena. The reflection of the moon against the Cullen's skin, as they moved from their seats towards the stage. I should have known; there was no way they'd leave Edward to me now. If I wanted to get to him, I had to move fast.

Turning, I swept off the stage, my bare feet letting me pad almost silently past the musicians, still looking around in confusion. Pushing past the dark curtains that formed the wings, I walked quickly down the corridor, following the most recent trail of scent.

I pushed through a cheap wooden door, the paint chipped and peeling. Room after empty room, wondered how far he'd gone. Hoping he hadn't left the venue entirely, I began to move faster, running through the maze of corridors that made up the backstage.

Then suddenly I heard something. A broken sob quickly stifled. So soft no human could have heard it. The scent was stronger here; I must have been closer than I thought. As I moved down the dimly lit hallway, grimacing in distaste at the squelching sounds coming from the filthy carpet beneath my feet, I came to one last door. The torn piece of paper stuck to the door proclaimed it to be the dressing room of Mr Masen, but it was deadly silent. Whoever was in there wasn't moving or even breathing.

I pushed through the door.

Edward was leaning against the opposite wall, looking down. His tangled bronze mess obscured his face almost entirely, but the taut muscles of his neck strained against his pale skin like struts, revealing his tension. He was watching his hands; twisting the white mask between them. With a sudden movement, he crumbled the plastic into a tiny ball, and tossed it into the corner.


"Please. Just stop."

Edwards's voice was painfully rough; he sounded like he was choking on every word. I hesitated, not sure what to say. I never expected it to come to this; who would have thought Edward was this unstable? This was part of my plan in no way, shape or form. A part of my mind was breaking this down, pulling it apart, and figuring out what little changes I would need to make in my plans to accommodate this bizarre character twist. But most of me was consumed with a fierce desire to know what caused this.

Which meant I was going to have to do something I absolutely despised doing.

Squaring my shoulders, I spoke precisely, but softly.

"Please accept my apologies if you have been caused any distress Mr. Cullen" I said, keeping my eyes fixed on him.

He looked up slowly, and the expression on his face stunned me. This wasn't pain, this was more than that. This was the expression a man would wear if he was burning at the stake, or as a vampire alternative, being turned into his own little pyre. His mouth was slightly parted in a permanent 'O' and his face was so tortured it absolutely bewildered me.

What was this about?

"Miss Suicide...I don't like to speak on behalf of my siblings and parents, but I think it might best if you don't come back with us" he said quietly.

Goddamnit! This was bad...this was very bad. I needed to salvage the situation, and pretty damn fast!

Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes, and reached into the little box in my mind. I used a tendril of my power to hook the one I needed, the one I had never used before. Once I had it firmly in my mind, I opened my eyes, and turned to Edward. Then I released it.

I wasn't sure if using Edwards own power would work on him, but I had to know what he was thinking. Why had he run?

Suddenly my mind was flooded with images.

Disgustingly clear images.

Of a human.

But not any human, oh no.

Bella. Motherfucking. Swan.

Her face lay directly behind his eyes. Pink cheeks glowing; her pale skin flawed and imperfect. Her chocolate brown eyes were full of love, and I winced with disgust at the trust implicit in them. She was just an image, just a memory. But I could hear her voice in his mind, repeated a thousand times, like a whisper. Goodbye...goodbye...goodbye...goodbye...


I didn't realise I had spoken out loud until Edward interrupted me.

"Goodbye yourself Bella Suicide. May I wish you the best of luck in all your future endeavours?"

Ignoring his words, I moved quickly until I was standing in front of him. Looking him directly in the eyes, I spoke the only words that could be relied upon to bring him back to me.

"Edward, do you think she would want you to waste your life like this?"

He gasped as though I had hit him, and clenched his hands into fists. Not even pretending to wonder what I was talking about, he looked at me with a quiet sort of desperation in his eyes.

"I told you...I will always love her. But I do not know what she would want."

Of course you don't. It's been seventeen fucking years! Even if Bella Swan still existed you wouldn't have a clue!

In the distance, I heard footsteps. The Cullen's had found us. It was becoming alarmingly apparent I had to do this fast, if I wanted to stop my entire plan going down the drain. I raised a hand, and cupped his cheek. I felt him flinch, remembering the last time I had done this during My Immortal. But I persisted, and tipped his face up so he was looking me directly in the eye.

"Edward I don't know why you left her, and perhaps I never will. But you know better than that." I took a deep breath before speaking the words that would save or doom my plan forever.

"If you ever loved her, you need to keep on living. It's just one song left Edward. Come."

I reached out and took his hand.

Edward looked at me, his golden eyes torn and confused. With the exception of when I became 'Bella Swan' for an hour, I had never seen Edward so completely and utterly vulnerable.

Then his expression cleared, and he straightened. The broken look in his eyes was replaced by one of complete determination, and he turned to the door. Shooting me a slight smile, he nodded.

"Very well Bella" he murmured, and left the room, sweeping straight past his siblings and parents.

Smirking to myself in victory, I swept past them. "Show's back on people!" I drawled traces of amusement detectable in my voice. "Let's go!"


"I will wander 'til the end of time.

Torn away from you..."

The piano fell and rose in the background, perfectly smooth and steady. A replacement piano bench had been found for Edward the moment I snapped my fingers, but the mask had been one of a kind. So instead, dark glasses covered his eyes and masked his identity. With his white shirt, and black leather pants...the look was good, to say the least.

I stood at the front of the stage, my more theatrical tendencies having taken over again.

While Alice dealt with the media, the stage, the damage and the crowd, I had done a quick costume change. A tight black satin corset pulled me into supermodel proportions, and black leather pants flowed smoothly into my witchy black boots. But that was only the first part of my outfit. From directly under my breasts, a long wide strip of leather wrapped itself around my waist like a belt, and from it flowed length after length of netting. Deep blue and pink, they swirled around my calves, barely brushing the top of my boots. I had removed the wig, and my usual wild tangle of black and pink cascaded around my shoulders.

My ruby eyes were glowing from beneath a mask made up of thousands of tiny black wires, all woven and swirled together to form spiralling designs that clung perfectly to the top half of my face. It was such a relief to be Bella Suicide again! While tormenting Edward had, admittedly, amused me for a time, it was most uncomfortable to feel even a slight resemblance to Bella Swan.

I was playing for the crowd again, letting my haunting voice ring out.

I pulled away to face the pain

I close my eyes and drift away.

Over the fear that I will never find a way to heal my soul

And I will wander 'til the end of time...torn away from you.

My heart...is broken...

Sweet sleep my dark angel

Deliver me, from sorrows hold

No prizes for guessing what this song was about! As we swung into the second verse, the guitar and piano picked up the tempo perfectly, mixing classical with pure rock. Dancing across the stage daintily, I sang straight into the cameras. This, my last song, was being broadcast across America. Thousands of people tonight would be falling into the trap that is Bella Suicide. Mine, all mine.

I can't go on living this way

But I can't go back the way I came

Chained to this fear that I will never find a way to heal my soul

And I will wander 'til the end of time...half alive without you!

My heart is broken...

Sweet sleep my dark angel

Deliver me, from sorrows hold.

And then the bridge! Taking a deep breath in, I let the words flow like honey through my crimson lips, gradually building in power, slipping through the octaves like they were nothing, until the entire arena rang with my haunting voice.

This, I would miss.

Change...Open your eyes, to the light!

I denied it all so long...

Oh so long!

Say goodbye, goodbye!


The lights above the stage began to flash in and out of time, and with a shudder, a rain of sparks began to stream down over the stage, as flames simultaneously erupted around us. The glowing tongues of fire were hot, and as a vampire, perhaps this was an overindulgence Alice and I should have ruled against.

But the visuals were worth it. Edward and I were like avenging angels, playing and singing as though our life depended on it.

My heart is broken...

Release me, I can't hold on.

Deliver us

My heart is broken...

Sweet sleep my dark angel

Deliver us, from sorrows hold...

As the screams began to rise to fever pitch, as the guitars and piano began to play faster and faster, I raised my arms high above my head, as though I could clasp the night sky to my chest. Throwing my head back, I laughed euphorically.

With a snap I dropped my arms to my sides, just as the last crashing note rang out.

"Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls" I murmured, strolling to the front of the stage, hearing the clack of my boots on the glass.

"Thank you...and goodnight"

The cameras flashed, and the audience began to howl, as they realised this was it, the evening was ending. Bright lights began to spear the glass, lighting the stage in a kaleidoscope of dazzling imagery, highlighting and vanishing every second. A final flash of bright lights, bright enough to temporarily blind the audience...and the whole stage went dark.

A glance at the piano showed the bench already empty. I had expected this; he wouldn't want pictures, not without the proper mask.

And so I, Bella Suicide, the vampire queen of rock...I also left.

There you have it! Thoughts? Opinions?

See you all soon!

-Hana Belladonna xoxoxox