so, while Aki and Lester were off helping the Avengers, they left Itsuko with Doom. and then guess who showed up to help babysit? trolololoki…

i can just picture it… Itsuko would be skipping around singing songs or something while Victor sits there and goes "i don't have enough Doombots for this s***," and then Loki shows up and goes "hi, honey, i forgot my purse—OH LOOK, an opportunity to troll!"

warnings: AU - Fateverse. sci-fi. non-evil!Doom, differently-evil!Loki. some background rule 63/het. questionable babysitting practices. language: pg.

pairing: Doom/Loki, background Lester/Aki (Bullseye/Daken).

timeline: very soon after Uncertainty.

disclaimer: marvel owns all recognizable characters, i just made more alternate universe versions of them.

notes: 1) you shouldn't let non-regenerating kids climb stepladders, btw. 2) of course Loki knows where Michael is. 3) reasons not to let Loki babysit your child-this fic touches on most of them.

Appletini or The Currency of Casual Threats

Loki is feeling particularly pleased with herself today. It's not every day, after all, that one persuades the beloved child of a hated rival that one is, in fact, said child's favorite person.

"You're so fun, Auntie Loki, I don't know why Mommy says you're appally," the child says brightly from high atop a stepladder, where she's just attached a faceplate to her very own doombot.

"Appalling," Loki absently corrects. "I can't imagine why your mommy would say that, either. After all, we're such good friends. Ah—are you sure about that color, dear?"

The girl pauses with her little fist full of pink glitter.

"Green would be so much nicer, don't you think?"

"You're right! Green would be much prettier with purple." She looks at the glitter and holds it out. "Please?"

"Well, since you ask so sweetly…" A snap of Loki's fingers turns the pink glitter green.


Smugly, Loki leans back and sips her appletini.

Another of Victor's little toys clanks into the room and holds out a phone on a silver tray. "For Miss Itsuko," it says.

The girl flings the glitter onto still-tacky purple paint and dusts at some stubborn flakes clinging to her palms. "Who is it?" she asks.

"Your father."

"Daddy!" She hops down a few steps and takes the phone. "Hello, Daddy! I made a doombot, and Auntie Loki helped! She used a spell and made it so I wasn't sneezy. I changed my mind about the name, so now instead of being Princess Twinkle, it's Princess Badass, and instead of being with pink glitter, it's got green glitter, but there's still the butterfly wings, and I was thinking of maybe adding a rainbow somewhere, and I haven't got around to the smiley face yet, but—"

Mercifully, the child's prattle pauses. Loki presumes she's listening obediently.

"Do I haveta go, Daddy?" whines the girl. "Funerals are boring and Uncle Bob was kind of creepy."

A funeral for Robert Reynolds. How interesting.

"Can't I stay here with Uncle Victor and Auntie Loki? Auntie Loki's the best! She did a spell that made the glitter green, and before that she did a spell that made one of the doombots talk in Spanish, and a spell that made my shoes walk around, and—"

Loki grimaces and spares a moment to be grateful that none of her children are predisposed to this kind of meaningless chatter. "You should tell your mommy what fun we're having," she suggests.

"Can I talk to Mommy now?" the yammering little demon-spawn asks. "Hi, Mommy! We're having so much fun today, Auntie Loki's here, and she's so awesome, she made me not be sneezy, and she's been helping me build my doombot, I decided to name it Princess Badass instead of Princess Twinkle, and—" She breaks off with a pout, then holds the phone toward Loki.

Loki looks at the thing with disdain.

"Mommy said to let you talk," the brat explains.

Oh, did she? Loki smiles her smuggest smile and takes the phone. "Akiko, darling, how good to hear from you. Victor and I've been wondering why you only call when you need something. I told him you're just busy failing to overthrow the terrorists on your doorstep, but he's—"

~"Shut up, you self-important slut."~

"Oh, come now, you didn't even like Bob," she coos. "I think you've been under too much stress lately. You should take the rest of the day to spend some time with that barely-functioning ape you call a husband. I'll take care of sweet little…" She pauses only for a moment to remember the little monster's name. "Itsuko. We're getting along so very well."

~"Tell Victor we have Stark in custody and we need him to come in and catalog all the tech we confiscated. Try not to get distracted jacking off your ego some more. Goodbye."~

"Don't you want to know how your other child is doing?"

Loki considers the lengthy silence on the line to be yet another point in her favor.

~"Tell me what you know, now, and maybe I won't badmouth your dead idiot brother the next time I see you."~

Wrath forms a cold knot in the pit of her belly, but she smiles her way through it. "Oh, my, what a tempting offer. Still, as I know that respecting your betters is such a strain for you, I won't force you to exert yourself. Michael is alive and well, which you know from this week's call. It's only to be expected, with the weather so unseasonably mild over there. And if you ever speak ill of Thor again, I promise that you and I will spend a long time getting to know one another very, very well. In fact, you could say I'll know you inside-out before we're through. And then you can go home to your defective superhero and lovely little Itsuko and her stories of how Auntie Loki is the best. Won't that be nice?"

There's another silence.

~"I misspoke. I should've called your brother an evil-minded, walnut-brained slab of meat who got what he deserved. Thank you so much for babysitting my daughter; I'll be sure to pay you back when you and Victor have your first."~

Touché. This round belongs to Akiko, but the game is long.

Loki hangs up and kicks the ladder out from under Itsuko. "Oops," she says as she relishes the sound of crunching bone.

"It's okay," the girl says happily. "I didn't stain my shirt this time."

"Well done, dear," Loki praises, and goes back to her appletini.