CHAPTER THREE

THE BUTTHOLE

Ron Weasley was in a bus parked in midair outside Harry's window.

"Back the fuck up," said Fred.

Fred drove straight up in the air and reversed into the wall.

Uncle Vernon stirred.

"Get my shit in the cupboard under the stairs!" Harry said.

Fred and George obliged like the little slaves they were.

George lowered his shoulder and bashed through the locked door. They disappeared downstairs.

Harry threw his shit into the bus and then his trunk.

Uncle Vernon crashed in.

"HE'S FUCKING GETTING AWAY!" Uncle Vernon roared.

Harry lodged a canister of laughing gas in his uncle's mouth and shoved him down. With a string attached to the ring and Harry's back pocket, he scrambled into the back of the bus. Harry slammed the door shut on it, and the bus shot away.

Uncle Vernon passed out.

"Later you fags!" Harry yelled.

Harry flipped the Dursleys off.

Harry told the Weasleys about Dobby's warning.

"I reckon Draco Malfoy sent Dobby as a joke," said Fred.

"Hey, spoiler alert nigga!" said Harry.

"My dad had to work tonight," said Ron. "We'll get the bus back without him noticing."

"What the fuck does your dad do?"

"He works in the Misuse of Muggle Shit Office," said Ron. "This Muggle woman bought an old witch's bong and tried to smoke it with her friends. The bong blew up and one man was shredded with glass shrapnel. Dad had to clean that shit up —"

"We're there," said George. "Ottery Shit Cunthole."

They hit Ron's piece of pigshit house though it was held up by magic. A sign read, THE BUTTHOLE.

"This is fucking woeful," said Harry, happily thinking of Privet Drive.

Mrs. Weasley marched over.

"Look who the fuck turned up!" said Mrs. Weasley.

"Did you fucking care how fucking worried I've fucking been?"

"You could have fucking died, you could have been fucking shot —"

Mrs. Weasley would not shut the hell up.

They walked into the house for breakfast.

The clock on the wall had Time to take a shit, Time to feed the children, and You're Gay written around the edge. Books like Charm Your Own Cock, Enchantment in Beating, and One Minute JerksIt's Cumtastic! were on the mantelpiece.

Mrs. Weasley would not stop bitching.

"De-shit the garden," snapped Mrs. Weasley.

They consulted Gilderoy Lockhart's Guide to Household Shit. He looked like a homo.

"This is gnome shit," Ron said.

He threw it at Percy.

Mr. Weasley was home.

"Nine fucking drug raids," he mumbled.

"Find any shit?" said Fred.

"Just a few shrinking ecstasy," yawned Mr. Weasley.

"Why the fuck would you make ecstasy shrink?" said George.

"No Muggle would admit their ecstasy keep shrinking — they'll insist it's all in their head.… But the things ecstasy will make you fucking do, you wouldn't fucking believe —"

"LIKE ENCHANTING FUCKING BUSES?"

Mrs. Weasley had interjected.

"B-buses, the fuck?"

"A wizard buys a big ass bus to make it fly in reality because he imagined it while hallucinating on E," said Mrs. Weasley.

"The law —"

"Arthur Weasley, you were on fucking X when you wrote that fucking loophole!" shouted Mrs. Weasley. "Your sons flew that fucking bus to get Harry!"

"Harry who?" said Mr. Weasley.

He jumped when he saw Harry.

"Holy shit, Harry Potter. Yeah boy!"

They left the kitchen for RONALD'S SHITTY ASS ROOM.

Ron had covered the wallpaper with posters of ginger pornography.

Harry, stepping over a fleshlight, said, "This is the shittiest ass house I've ever seen."

Ron went red.