(Hagrid stands with the Trio and a bunch of other first-years on the shore near the boats)

Hagrid : Well, kids-take a gander at your new home-Hogwarts.

Harry : Hogwarts!

Ron : Hogwarts!

Hermione : Hogwarts!

Neville : It's only CGI.

(He is hushed, while Harry pushes forward)

Harry : Onward then-to Hogwarts!

(Inside, we see the assembled students begin a musical number)

We're Young Wizards and Witches

We Gather In Small Niches

Praise or Blame; We're Quite The Same

Causing Injuries and Stitches

We Eat Too Much; Stay Up Too Late

At 11; we build lifelong hates

(They dance around; mock-shake their fists at one another, then dance arm in arm before resuming)

We're Young Witches and Wizards

We make potions from bat gizzards

We live in a place so far North

We should rightly perish in blizzards

Points are given and taken just because

We have harshly vague government and laws

(This time, the dancing is joined by drumming done on overturned cauldrons and pots worn by house-elves, who yelp when knocked upon; Chained up in a dungeon below, a deranged Sirius claps along to the music)

We're Witches and Wizards Of Hogwarts

Our intranet's called Blogwart's

Our fates are fixed; the results are mixed

Only JK knows if we get nixed

We cameo for the Trio in Hogwarts

(Crabbe and Goyle sing deeply)

Our Beds all look like little forts

(Singing and dancing conclude; smiles all around)

(Outside, Hagrid and Neville just kind of stare dumbly at the place)

Hagrid : Errr-ummm-guess we better get-hey-where'd those three get to?

(The Trio are gone)


Vernon : You're back?

(Harry, Ron and Hermione are wearing jumpsuits)

Harry : We pooled our tuition and bought the old Trumbull place down the corner. Potter, Granger and Weaseley - House Cleaners Extraordinaire -here's our card and our rates.

Dudley : But what about that Hogwarts?

Ron : Don't-ever-bring up Hogwarts.

Hermione : It is a silly place.

Dudley : But I like silly places.

(After they leave, Vernon and Petunia glare at Dudley)

Dudley : I never mentioned that?

(On their way to their first job, the Trio encounter Voldermort and his Death Eaters)

Voldemort : Well, these are reasonable rates, Harry. Pity you won't be around to do any cleaning. And I mean that - these are very reasonable rates. Even with volume, I can't see how you turn a profit...but enough! Time I took all your bones as a trophy for my mantelpiece.

Harry : Susan Bones or Amelia Bones?

Voldemort : I-I don't know the answer to...aaaaagggggggghhhh!

(He and the Death Eaters are cast off into the distance, falling to their doom)

Hermione : Very good.

Ron : I'm not saying it-but yeah, good.

Harry : You have to know these things, when you're the Chosen One.