A/N: All right, you all should know that my BFF and I came up with this while we tried to beat each other to school last year. Yes, we seriously discussed fictional battles as if it was an everyday conversation. It's okay if you don't totally understand this – seeing as there are many inside jokes in here. BUT despite that fact, we thought it best to post this so that maybe you guys could get a laugh or two out of it.
Disclaimer: We don't own Peter Pan, BBC Merlin, Harry Potter, Candy Land, Reece's Peanut Butter Cups, Pudsey, Syfy's Alice, Robin Hood, Narnia, Alice in Wonderland, Twilight, A Discovery of Witches, NCIS, Romeo & Juliet, Charmed, Pirates of the Caribbean, Indiana Jones, Potter Puppet Pals, or the Beerside Scoundrels.
The morning sun rose high above the tall trees, emitting an orange and red beam of light across the sky. Right when the clock struck seven-thirty, the peacefulness was broken by a thunderous sound of stomping feet, marching simultaneously.
Over the top of a small hill came a massive army, led by a strong, patriotic girl, no older than sixteen years of age. She glanced over her armored shoulder and smiled. Directly behind her was a small group of young boys wearing stolen pirate hats and carrying dulling knives around their waists. Following the Lost Boys, however, was an enormous wave of red and gold marching forward. These men in brightly colored capes and shields were specially trained knights; simply unstoppable thanks to the secret weapon they unknowingly possessed…
"Are you nervous, Arthur?" a raven-haired boy asked the blond walking next to him. This man was the only one without any armor of the kind.
"No," the blond named Arthur responded blankly, looking straight ahead.
"Really? How could you not be? I mean, you're helping lead an army of thousands of men! You don't even know much about the enemy, or their weapons, and it's –"
Arthur stopped swiftly and drew his sword. "MERLIN, WOULD YOU SHUT UP?"
The conversation grew quiet.
On the opposite end of the battlefield, the others were gathering in huge, intimidating numbers of troops dressed in suits of brightly shining candy of every kind. They were loyally marching behind yet another girl in an orange Reece's shirt and dark chocolate pants. Next to her was a man of seventeen with platinum blond hair and dressed in all black robes.
"How much longer until we meet them, Hannah?" the man asked.
A slight smile forming on Hannah's lips, she answered. "Not long, Draco, not too long."
"And you're sure this Jill is a threat?" the one called Draco retorted.
"You're doubting me?" she came back, but without waiting for Draco's response, she continued. "Yes, she is very much a threat, especially to me! Jill is a great leader and Imaginer. Don't underestimate her mind!" Hannah cautioned, and she silently thought, She keeps beating me to school! The fight will be to the death!
Suddenly, a villainous looking man with a hook for a right hand strutted up to her. "My crew is getting restless. How much longer will you make us wait, girl?"
Hannah turned on her heel to look at the captain, smiling evilly. "Not long; have no fear! I will soon rule with my alien race," she chimed, a triumphant fist in the air. Her army all raised an eyebrow, questioning their leader's sanity. "Oh, you'll see! You'll all see! Just wait."
The army groaned. More waiting…
Back on the opposing side, Jill's army trudged onwards, Merlin and Arthur's banter continuing. Ugh… "Don't be such a princess," Gwaine insisted towards Arthur, and then came up to talk to Jill. "So," he began in his Irish accent, "if we win, do we get ale?"
The girl broke out in laughter. "Yes, Gwaine, I will buy you as many jugs as you wish!" A smile appeared on the knight's face.
"Finally, a person worthy enough to serve," he teased, his mind now only on ale. Jill grinned and he pressed on. "If they have an attack by air, what do we do then?"
She thought about this for a moment, weighing her options carefully. Then, suddenly she looked up at the blue sky. "That's what we'll do!" A mighty dragon swooped across the clouds, about to breathe fire.
"Whoa," Arthur yelled. "I thought I dealt that thing a mortal blow. Merlin, you said…!" Silence fell between the two friends. "Merlin!" Arthur exclaimed at his lack of answer.
"W-well, you see," the idiot started to smile. "It's a rather – well, it's not a funny story – I guess I forgot to mention –"
"'Forgot to mention'?" exploded the prat/clotpole/dollophead. "You forgot to mention that a sixty-foot, fire breathing dragon that had attacked Camelot was still alive?"
Jill sighed, knowing that this was going to get messy. "Enough!"
Merlin's lip quivered. "Jill, he started it, the prat!"
"What? Merlin's the one who is being a… dollophead!" Arthur countered.
"Oi! You can't use my word!"
"I don't care!" Jill said, moaning into Gwaine's shoulder before looking straight at her former heroes. "Merlin, I'll take away that book of yours." His chin hit the ground. "Arthur, I'll confiscate Pudsey. For goodness sake, you're too old to sleep with a stuffed animal!"
Laughter roared from Gwaine and Merlin as Arthur went pink – not red; pink.
The embarrassed prince cleared his throat. "Whom all does this army consist of?" he asked, Gwaine muttering under his breath, "Smooth."
After taking another proud glance at her soldiers, Jill answered. "We've got you guys, Camelot's army, David Hatter (he packs a hard right hook), the Great Dragon, Peter and the Lost Boys, Robin Hood (he's eyeing your gold, Arthur). Then there's Lupin and Sirius. No killing them, Pendragon!" she said suddenly as the two Marauders took out their wands. Merlin eyed the wooden "sticks" with confussion.
The praty Prince of Camelot rolled his blue eyes. "Fine, but this is going against all of my father's teachings," he huffed, folding his arms stubbornly.
Jill let out an exasperated sigh. "Good! I'm driving you in the right direction, then." Merlin let out a snort. "Sir Leon," she called, and the knight perked up. "Gather the knights, creatures, everyone! We attack at dawn!"
There was silence among the immediate men. "But, My Lady, it's half past day break." Jill paused, Arthur cracking up beside her. She then glared at all the laughing men, which reminded them of Morgana. "S-sorry, I'll get them lined up."
Merlin came up beside her. "Do you know who we'll be facing?"
"Yes, Hannah has a vicious army; Captain Hook and his crew of thugs, the Candy Land soldiers, Fluffy the Three-Headed Dog," Cue the wide eyes, "and then there is Draco Malfoy and Snape. Her numbers may have grown, but I'm not sure."
Cocking his head to the side the way only Merlin could, he asked, "How'd you know this?"
She smiled devilishly at the warlock. "Snape is a double agent no matter what story he's in," Jill said slyly.
Not five minutes away, Hannah's army was marching. There were, in fact, two people that Jill had no knowledge of. Two sisters rode gracefully on horses, one blonde and the other black-haired. Morgause and Morgana grinned at one another at the thought of another chance to kill Arthur and his pesky servant Merlin!
The whole Narnian army was behind Hannah as well. The Kings and Queens of Old held their swords and bows with only a confidence that they could possess. Mr. Tumnus trotted neatly next to Lucy. However, Aslan was nowhere in sight, upsetting the leader, Hannah, greatly.
Actually, Aslan was there, watching this Battle of Make-Believe go down, all the while thinking, how absurd, as the two leaders trudged onwards; Jill talking to Kilgharrah, and Hannah petting the Cheshire Cat who lazily popped into her candy-coated arms.
Draco was sneering at the unusual creature as it, unknowingly to Hannah, was making googily eyes at the young Death Eater. "Hannah," Draco jeered, "your cat is scaring me more than the Dark Lord." The Cheshire Cat laughed and hummed tunelessly. The leader turned to look at the Malfoy boy.
"You mean… Voldemort?" she yelled happily in Draco's face as he winced at the name.
Now, less than thirty seconds away from Hannah's mega army, Jill's – newly enlarged – army rushed on, swords out and weapons being held firm. In fear of Hannah imagining up more man/creature power, Jill had given herself some insurance; she brought in Alice Cullen and Matthew Clairmont. That took care in the vampire department. Then there was Ziva David and Tony DiNozzo. Tony was too busy bugging Ziva about some movie reference to be actually paying any attention.
"And then the ship had crammed into that iceberg...!"
Maybe bringing Tony in was a mistake.
"Thank you," Ziva breathed, regaining her focus.
Right behind Ziva – the NCIS ninja – were the Charmed Ones. Jill smiled. Surely, now, if she didn't have all the manpower, she had magical power! The girl boggled her mind for any other characters, and then two popped into her head; Charlie the White Knight and the Narnian army!
Just as she thought this, only Charlie appeared, mumbling something about the Black Arts, but Jill wasn't paying attention. Why hadn't the Narnians appeared too? It didn't make sense, unless…
"No! Holy flippin' pancakes, we're in trouble!" Jill suddenly yelled, stopping immediately, and Merlin – not noticing that she stopped – ran right into her back.
"Merlin, you idiot!" Arthur shouted, slapping the servant in the head.
"Oi!" he exclaimed, rubbing the injured spot with his hand. Turning to Lancelot, he asked all puppy-like, "Please, Lancelot? Just once!"
The prince glanced quickly between the two. "Do what once? What are you both talking about?"
"Nothing," Jill, Merlin, and Lancelot chimed together, grinning.
Merlin sulked. If I turned him into a toad, Gwen could just kiss him and he'd be fine. Maybe no one would notice…
"Three," Jill counted down in a whisper.
"Two," Hannah smirked.
"One," each leader said at the same moment, facing one another.
Jill's pet raven flew overhead, landing on her shoulder as Hannah's black cat jumped into her arms. "So," she began, "ready, Jillian?" Jill laughed once as they shook hands.
Jill raised an evil eyebrow and promptly whispered back calmly. "Let battle commence."
Each leader turned to their army. "In this war…" But Hannah, speaking to her men, overlapped Jill's voice.
"…Not everyone will fight at once. Instead…"
"…we will choose who fights, one at a time. The one…"
"…with the most victories…"
"…wins," they both said.
Hannah looked at her enemy. "Would you like to go over the rules?"
Jill nodded, moving to the middle of the playing field. "Listen up! There will be no killing. Once your opponent is down for ten seconds, show mercy!" She glared at Morgana and Morgause. "We don't wand dead stuff. Hannah and I are squeamish. Play, or should I say 'fight,' fair."
Hannah rolled her eyes. "You and your bloody Knight's Code." The other girl ignored the statement. "I'll choose my person first," Hannah said quickly right as Jill opened her mouth. "FLUFFY!"
At that moment, a giant dog with three snapping, black heads stepped onto the empty field. From behind Jill, she could hear Hatter gasp. "Jumpin' Jabberwaks!" But Jill was not intimidated and a harp appeared in her hands. Hannah smiled, and puffy, pink earmuffs were covering all of Fluffy's ears. The harp disappeared instantly, Jill frowning.
"Two can play that game," she muttered under her breath, Lancelot and Gwaine smiling at her words. "Kilgharrah!" she called, and the lingering smirk on Hannah's face collapsed into a worried frown. From over the horizon swooped the Great Dragon, a very bored look on his ancient face.
Yawning, he snapped, "What do you want this time?" Jill pointed to the deformed dog. The dragon seemed unmoved by the creature's odd appearance.
"Did somebody think 'odd'?" the Cheshire Cat suddenly asked, floating in mid air above Hannah's head, and weird sounding music began to play, the source of it unknown. "My head begins to jingle, most every time I nod, 'cause obviously, quite obviously, I'm odd!" he sang. "I own a feather pillow, but I slumber on the sod, 'cause obvi –"
"Chesh!" Hannah and Jill exclaimed together, bringing the od- er, the strange cat back down to earth with much mumbling and perhaps a curse word here or there.
"Wow," Hannah muttered to Jill. "Disney can be profane." The girl laughed once in agreement. "Alright, let battle…" she leaned into Jill. "What was that word you used?"
She smiled. "Let battle commence… AGAIN!" Jill called and both crowds cheered loudly, egging on the two creatures to start fighting.
"This is degrading," the dragon complained. As Fluffy continued to bark mindlessly, Kilgharrah took a thundering step forward breathing a wall of fire between himself and the… can you even call it a dog?
"Hagrid would not be happy with this," Snape mumbled to himself.
Upon seeing the white-hot flames, Fluffy's tail went between his legs and ran off in fear! "One point, Jill; Hannah, nothing," a disembodied voice boomed from all over.
"Who is that?" Arthur asked, drawing his sword
Then, three people said at the same time, "Dumbledore?" Jill, Draco, and Snape exchanged looks of confusion. The Prince of Camelot's hands flew up in the air.
"Don't tell me; another sorcerer?" he asked, Merlin rolling his eyes.
"Get over it, dollophead," the warlock teased.
"Oh, come now, Arthur," a dark and familiar voice said, its source stepping forward. All the knights, Merlin, and Jill all tensed up at the sight of her. "Don't tell me you're not happy to see your sister. Ah, Merlin, don't look so upset," Morgana teased evilly. "I told you it wasn't over, and I wasn't lying."
"Really, Morgana, because you lie about everything else," Merlin said, stepping forward, his ignorant, servant façade disappearing. However, Arthur was quite shocked.
Jill and Hannah stepped up to intervene. "If you two are going to argue…"
"You may as well fight," Jill finished, a cheeky grin on her face.
And as Merlin stepped bravely onto the field, Arthur grabbed Jill's arm. "What in the hell are you playing at? Morgana has magic! He won't last two seconds out there with her!" he yelled with a mixture of worry and anger. Jill gave him a touched look. She put her hand up to her heart.
"Ah, Arthur, you do care," she piped happily.
Suddenly, the prince grew still as stone. "Of course I care, as long as Merlin doesn't know it." Jill snorted, but Arthur continued. "Back on point, Merlin is going to die; you just sent him to his death!"
That's when Hannah stepped in. "The rules are that –"
"But since when as Morgana ever played by the rules?" he demanded furiously.
Jill bit her lip and Hannah glanced at her warrior. "Oh, you're right; he is going to die," then she smiled, "in a fiery –"
"Don't say it, Hannah!" Jill interrupted abruptly.
Hannah had been silenced; so she thought to herself, Oh, go jump in a lake full of sharks!
And then, a great clap of thunder coming from the playing field disturbed the silence. They turned to see Morgause casting spell after spell at Merlin who was expertly deflecting them with ease. Arthur simply stood with his mouth open wide. However, before he could be outraged that his friend/servant/idiot was a sorcerer, Jill called out, "Whoa! Wait just one magical minute!" Hannah giggled. "Why is Morgause helping Morgana?"
"Jill, even I know that those two are a package deal," she retorted. "And I've just started watching the show!" Jill sighed, accepting her answer. Unfortunately, even the Great Emrys couldn't handle going against two powerful witches at the same time, and he was knocked out cold on the ground.
"Poor, whumped-up Merlin," Jill cried quietly. She snapped her fingers and suddenly Merlin was wide-awake, standing net to a dumbfounded Arthur. Morgana and her vile sister were so happy they were doing the Cha-Cha Slide. "That's so out of character, Hannah," she scolded. Hannah groaned and once again, the sisters had control over their bodies. Instantly, they blushed, wondering what for the hatred of Camelot made them do that ridiculous dance!
The booming voice of Dumbledore… well, boomed. "Jill, one; Hannah, one."
From behind Jill, she heard a low growl coming from a tall, black haired, French vampire. He was glaring at Morgana and Morgause with his black eyes, arms folded across his chest. Jill smiled back at Matthew Clairmont with an excited giggle.
Hannah sighed. "We need to break this tie… I call…" she looked around, then grinned evilly. "I call Indiana Jones!"
And suddenly, from out of nowhere;
In swung a young Indi, hat on and whip in hand. For a moment, he stared suspiciously at the armies. "Well," he said at last, "at least you guys aren't an ancient, chanting temple tribe." A deep laugh startled both armies. The Great Dragon was actually laughing!
Indiana slid his hand through his hair, knocking his hat off, and catching it with his free hand. "A dragon," he stated dryly. "You've got to be kidding me. I'm outta here." He began retreating when Hannah stopped him abruptly with her cries.
"But you've got to stay!" Her lips puckered up into a sad/frustrated kissy face. "You need to fight…" she looked desperately at Jill's smirking army. "You need to fight that… no, er, fight… oh, JILL, PICK SOMEONE!"
Every man, woman, creature, or otherwise all roared with fits of laugher. Even Draco joined in with his Slytherin-style smirk. Outraged, Morgana stepped forward to face the wizard from a different series. "How dare you steal that smirk? No one else can use that smirk but me!" the black haired witch screamed.
Draco then glanced at Morgana's left arm… just in case.
Matthew took one speedy step forward. "Being one of the Knights of Lazarus," the vampire began, "I know that rule number one is to not kill fellow allies."
Hannah was instantly outraged and yelled at her army. "What's wrong with you people? I hate people! Don't you know dividing a house can't stand…? Wait, that's not right…" Taking advantage of this moment of temporary distraction, Jones ran out as fast as he could. When Hannah finally noticed that Indi was gone, the 'part-time' professor was already a tiny, sexy dot on the horizon. "Grrr! Stupid Lincoln," she muttered.
Of course, being a vampire Matthew heard every word. "Actually, Lincoln was very smart; strange sense of humor, though."
Jill stared at the vampire next to her in amazement. "You knew Lincoln?" He nodded and her smile brightened. Matthew shot her a dazzling grin and Jill had to resist the urge to faint on the spot. Nothing, she repeats, nothing is sexier than a 1,500 year old, French, knighted vampire! "That's amazing, Sir Matthew," Jill teased flirtatiously, and Gwaine groaned with annoyance.
"He isn't a Knight of the Round Table," Gwaine chimed, elbowing Lancelot in the side, laughing. Jill nodded sadly.
Matthew shook his head. "You're right. I was in France at the time of your reign, My Lord," he said, putting his hand to his heart and bowed respectfully to Arthur. The prince smiled enthusiastically.
"Would you like to be one of my knights? It'd be an honor to have you," the prince offered, and Gwaine's jaw hit the ground.
With another shallow bow, Matthew accepted. "The honor would be mine."
Poor Gwaine threw his hands up, exasperated. "I need a drink…"
Merlin stepped towards Arthur defensively. "Sire, you do know he's a vampire, right?"
"And you're a warlock," Arthur stammered in an annoyed tone. "What's the difference?"
"The difference is I have magic. He drinks blood!" Merlin shouted. The two glared at each other and Jill coughed nervously.
"Merlin, why don't you go fight… now!" she urged, pushing him to the playing field again without waiting for him to answer. Hannah folded her arms across her chest and began tapping her foot.
"Jill, he can't fight," she said. "You haven't announced it!"
The girl rolled her blue eyes and shouted. "Merlin Emrys, I call you out to the battle field!"
Gwaine frowned as Matthew smiled at Jill. "So formal, Miss Jill," he teased.
Jill beamed. "Of course!"
Hannah scanned her vast army until her chocolate brown eyes rested on one individual. "Draco, I call upon thee! Get out there!"
The young Death Eater scowled at his leader, but pulled out his thin wand anyway. Jill grinned along with Hannah as Merlin approached Malfoy. Both girls knew that this was going to be an epic battle of modern verses medieval magic. And they each knew who would win, too.
Draco, Hannah thought slyly, giving her wizard warrior a corny thumbs-up.
Merlin, Jill thought, totally sure of herself as she gave the warlock an encouraging hug.
The two awesome, magical beings faced one another from ten yards away. Merlin was slightly nervous – this guy was kind of scary – but he had a plan. He took in a breath and yelled. "I am Emrys!" and when Draco didn't even blink – only raised an eyebrow – Merlin said again, "Emrys!"
In the background, Draco sighed (while Arthur began freaking out and shouting, "You? How is it you're Emrys?"). "Is that supposed to mean something to me?"
"Well… yeah, most people cower at that name," Merlin explained innocently. Jill smacked herself in the forehead. This was not going as planned.
"I'm not scared of a name, Merlin," Draco mocked, doing a cruelly accurate imitation of Arthur.
Jill stepped a single foot forward to say, "Voldemort."
Draco winced. Merlin smiled. "Voldemort scares you?" Malfoy winced again. "Voldemort?" More wincing… "Vold-de-mmorrrtt? Voldemort, Vold –"
"WOULD YOU STOP SAYING THE BLOODY NAME?"
The battlefield was silent. Hannah and Jill were trying to contain themselves, but, alas, they could not. "Voldemort! Voldemort! OO, Voldy, Voldy, Voldy, Voldemort! Doo, doo, doo, doo… doo!"
Malfoy groaned in rage. "That's it! Avada Kedavra!" A jet of green light shot towards Merlin, and would have hit him square in the chest if the warlock had not magically blocked it with a flash of gold eyes. Jill stared in horror as the scene played out. Angrily, she stomped onto the field towards Malfoy. Sharply, she slapped him on the face leaving a red mark on his pale skin.
"Oh, so you don't have the nerve to kill Dumbledore, but you'll kill Merlin without a second thought? Besides, we said NO killing!" Jill yelled in his face, Gwaine and Percival cracking up in the background. Draco almost looked ashamed. Jill sighed, deciding to compromise. "Look, if you want to kill someone," a boy appeared on the field, "then kill him."
The said boy looked around, confused. He was about eighteen, wearing an ugly green jacket and had short brown hair. "Whoa! What's going on?" he asked with an annoying lisp. His name: Jeff. Once he spotted Hannah, the begging began. "H-Hannah, what is this? Can't we just go to the drive-in already?"
Draco stepped forward, wand at the ready. "Approach Hannah…" he glanced at the other leader, "or Jill and you will regret it." The knights drew their swords.
Hannah smiled and whispered to Jill. "I think our armies are working together."
Somehow, everyone heard her spoken words and Morgana cried out, "Never!" causing a mighty rise of emotions to erupt in both armies. Luckily, it didn't exceed to hand-to-hand or magic-to-magic combat.
Mercutio, who Jill recognized immediately from the 1968 version of Romeo and Juliet, drew his thin, fencing sword. All of Mercutio's friends gathered around him and stuck their thumbs in their mouths, their swords drawn as well. "I bite my thumb at thee!" he shouted towards the five Knights of the Round Table.
Leon and Elyan exchanged looks of confusion at the strange group of boys. Gwaine pulled his sword out of its scabbard, his actions mimicked by his fellows. The ale-loving knight lifted an eyebrow. "This, mate, is a real sword."
The group of friends from the tragic love story froze, looking from their skinny swords to the knight's big, strong blades. Without further hesitation, they took off running, acting as if a Capulet had outsmarted them.
"Enough!" Dumbledore's voice announced, and the field became still. "Thank you. Now, on with Merlin against Mr. Malfoy." And so, they face one another… again… to magically fight.
Merlin's eyes flashed bright gold and Draco was sent flying across the field, landing at Hannah's feet. Before she could have the chance to haul him onto his feet, he got up and pointed his wand. "Serpensortia!" he cast, and a big, fat, scaly snake appeared a couple feet from the warlock.
He looked at Draco. "Oh, come on! That's so from the second book!"
"Cliché much, Malfoy?" Jill snapped and Hannah glared.
"Well," Merlin sighed, "to keep the cliché alive…" His eyes flashed gold and the snake went up in black smoke. The warlock smiled with satisfaction as Snape lifted a greasy eyebrow. Draco sniggered at Merlin, and suddenly, Draco was pinned to the ground by the wrists and ankles.
"Take this spell off me, you filthy half-blood! Wait until my father hears about this!" Malfoy demanded as Jill cracked up laughing at his classic line.
"Uh…" Jeff said, "I'm still here, and I don't understand what's going –"
Hatter walked up to the annoyance in the green jacket. "Look, mate, we ain't gonna tell you what this is, so why don't you have a cup of tea, but drink it one tiny little drop at a time, otherwise the experience might BURst your shriveled up little heart. Got it?" he asked, his hair curling above the rim of his hat. Confused, Jeff nodded, wanting to speak, but Hatter beat him to it. "Good. Go!"
Wanting to protest, Jeff started snapping at Hatter. The Wonderlander took off his hat, twirled it, tossed it high up in the air, and punched Jeff right in the jaw. He was knocked out easily thanks to Hatter's hard right hook. His straw hat landed squarely on his head.
"Impressive," Gwaine muttered.
An old, bearded knight with white armor that looked like a car crash stumbled his way through the crowd. "I'll give you impressive, harbinger," he snapped at Hatter. "I could easily have taken that bug-batcher down with my… black arts…" Charlie's voice went low, a smile playing on his lips.
"Is that so…?" Hatter questioned looking doubtful.
Arthur's head snapped in Charlie's direction. "Did you say 'black arts'?" he asked harshly.
For obvious reasons, the conversation ended. Suddenly, Dumbledore's voice echoed, "Jill, two; Hannah, three."
Jill's jaw hit the floor. "Wait one bloody second! How does Hannah have more than me?" she shouted at the disembodied voice.
"Jeff was defeated, or as you young Muggles say, pwned. This Jeff was her number one enemy, therefore, two points are rewarded to her," the old wizard explained calmly.
"But it was my guy who defeated him!" Jill argued back. She never imagined the day when she would be questioning Dumbledore.
Considering this for a moment, Dumbledore said, "Very well, taking that into account; Jill, three; Hannah, three." The whole crowd groaned in agony at the announcement of yet another tie.
Little Alice Cullen started skipping around. "I know how it ends! I know how it ends!" she chimed in a singsong voice. Hook's crew sneered at the little vampire.
Arthur stepped forward, ignoring Alice. "I'm the best fighter and I haven't fought anyone!" he complained loudly.
Jill frowned. "True… All right, Arty, you're next."
"So I will call…" Hannah laughed evilly, "Captain Hook!"
"Grrr," Jill grumbled. Arthur was about to step forward when she put a hand out to stop him. "No! I will call Jack Sparrow!"
"I do believe there is a 'Captain' in there, love," a drunken voice corrected. "'Sides, I'm not done with me rum!" Jack swayed the jug in his hands coming dangerously close to spilling it. Jill sighed.
Gwaine swiftly made his way to Jack, putting one arm around the pirate's shoulder. "Hey, mate, feeling like sharing any of that drink?" Jack took one glance at the begging knight and held the bottle chose to his chest, shaking his head.
"Pirates don't share with…" he looked at the Camelot uniform, "you people." Gwaine frowned and trudged away, receiving a pat on the back from Lancelot.
Then, Hannah and Jill shouted, "LET BATTLE COMMENCE!"
Arthur stepped towards Hook, swinging his sword with much skill, all traces of humor leaving his handsome face. Hook took his own weapon in hand with his left and held up his right hook. The vicious pirate took the first swing that Arthur blocked easily enough. The prince and pirate were fighting head-on; swords clanging and cries of frustration filled the ears of every onlooker.
Finally, Arthur flung Hook's sword from his hand and narrowly missed being scratched on the face by the sharp hook. He knocked the pirate to the ground with ease, Arthur's sword at the man's heaving chest. A cheer came from Peter and the Lost Boys.
Dumbledore shouted. "Jill, four; Hannah, three."
Jill's army cheered as Hannah's army booed. Because of all the noise, Jeff began to come around again. "H-Hannah…? C-can we leave? I wants ta go ta drive-in," he whined groggily.
Everyone – ignoring the wimp's cries – turned their attention back to the fight. More and more creatures battled; Gwaine vs. King Peter, Peter Pan vs. Draco Malfoy, Merlin vs. Hannah's Other Self. Many creatures and characters won and many points were rewarded to the victor.
Once again, the two armies were tied. Jill stepped forward with sword in hand. Hannah mimicked her opponent's moves, a sly smirk on her face. "Scared, Jill?"
"You wish," she shot back.
They stared off, hands on their hilts. Suddenly, Hannah broke. "I don't wanna fight you!" she cried.
"Me either!" Jill sobbed, the two embracing each other in a hug.
Hannah smiled. "Let's go, Jilly." The two began walking away, arm in arm.
"Wait!" a few people from both armies shouted. "What about us? Did we really just do all this for no reason?"
Jill and Hannah exchanged looks. "Yeah," Jill said nonchalantly.
Hannah turned around. "Now bugger off!"
Just then, the Beerside Scoundrels appeared. "Bugger off! You bastards, bugger off!" they sang as the two friends walked off into the sunset. "Bugger off, you bastards, bugger off! Like a herd of bloody swine who refuse to leave the trough. You'll get no more this evening, so you bastards bugger off…!"
"Well," Gwaine clapped his hands together. "Who wants ale?"
A/N: Well? We would love to know how you liked/hated/got confused by this random 'battle' story! =D Oh, and the Cheshire Cat's song was from a deleted scene, and the song Bugger Off can probably be found on Youtube if you wish to hear it.