DISCLAIMER: LOOK, IF YOU DON'T KNOW I OWN THIS BY NOW, THEN I'D ETTER STOP TYPING THESE THINGS ALTOGETHER. MAYBE YOU'LL GET THE IDEA BY THEN.
As far as churches go, this one wasn't very crowded. The Diablos had made an appearance (you know it's gonna be a disaster when Satan makes an appearance). Squee (Nny's best man) had coaxed his parents to come to the wedding, saying there would be food. Jimmy was in the back pew (he was not invited). Even Zim and Tak had come (disguised of course), Zim unwillingly in a tuxedo, and Tak in a purple and black frilly dress. Gir and Mimi were taping the wedding on their memory chips, which would be removed immediately afterwards.
At the altar, Squee and Tess stood across from each other, as best man and maid of honor. The pastor was none other than our favorite noodle, and he was currently ranting to the two on either side of him that, sadly, his bagel had no laptop-nipple.
To Devi, it looked absolutely perfect.
"Get back in here!" squealed Anne, pulling her back from the window. "They're not supposed to see you before you walk down the aisle! It's bad luck!"
Frankly, Devi didn't see what else Anne and Cleo could do to her. Her purple hair had been curled into a cascade of ringlets, her face was suffocating in makeup, and she was suffocating in this friggin'corset- Anne said it would be great because the French wore them. "French women must not like to breathe." She'd replied. She earned herself and extra tug.
The dress itself was gorgeous- two separate pieces of fabric, black and purple, were the bottom half. They opened to reveal her legs up to her knees, and were kept together by a black strap of fabric. The top was purple, but it was covered in black sparkles, forming the shapes of flowers. The purple silk veil was held in place by a black headband (the only simplicity Anne had allowed), and of course, the black diamond ring was on her left hand.
She was, for a word, exquisite.
"Uhh… mom?" said a voice from the doorway. Devi turned to see Dib, drowning in black fabric. "I think I may be in the wrong suit."
"AAAAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!" Nny's voice rang throughout the small church. "I'M HUUUUUGE! I'VE GROWN TO GIGANTIC SIZE!"
Then he burst into the room, and saw Dib in his loose-fitting suit. "Oh… ooohhh…"
As the men changed clothes, Tak walked over to them with Mimi in her arms. "How long until the wedding starts? I've been itching away in this thing for 47.894 minutes." She tugged at the lilac lace around her neck.
"As soon as Dad and I change clothes." Said Dib. But, Tak barely heard him, because as he did, Johnny let out a loud, "ah- ah- AH- EEACHOO!"
"Erm- Mr. C.?" said Tak nervously. "Are you alright?"
"(sniff) I- I'm fi- EEACHOOO! - I'm fine sweet-EEACHOOO! – Oh, no- EEACHOOO! – You- you have a cat?"
"Well, huddy," replied Johnny, his nose now stuffed from allergies. "Id case you did't doetice- EEACHOOO! – I'b kida- EEACHOOO! – allergic to cats. EEACHOOO! (sniff)." Here he wiped his nose miserably.
"uh-huh." Said Tak, wondering where this was going.
"ad- EEACHOOO! – It would seeb rude if- EEACHOOO! – I was sdeezig throughout duh cerebody."
"It certainly would, sir."
"GEDDIT OUDDA HERE!"
"Oh. Okay." And she was gone.
Then the organ music began to play, signaling to Johnny and Dib that it was time to stand at the altar. Dib and Gaz stood behind the back pews, waiting for Gaz to drop flower petals for Mom to walk on, Dib waiting anxiously to say he had the rings. Squee gripped Johnny's hand tightly. Tess dabbed at her eyes with a lacy handkerchief. Happy Noodle Boy decided until Devi came, his book might be a nice hat. "Psst, Johnny!"
"How are your feet?" asked Squee in a whisper.
Nny was confused. "Umm… my feet?"
"Are they cold? My mommy said she thought Devi's feet might get cold, and I was just worried about yours."
"Oh. I get it. Todd, she meant we might want to back out of the wedding."
"Oh. So, how are your feet?"
Nny chuckled. "Toasty warm. I'd be more worried about Devi. She IS marrying a homicidal maniac."
Then "Here Comes The Bride" started to play, and all conversation ended as the congregation stood up. Devi was linked arm- in- arm with Robo-Dad, as her father was unable to make it. maybe it would make up for the mother and father of the groom, as this was where their wedding and funeral had taken place. As an old custom, Robo-Dad placed Devi's hand in Johnny's, to symbolize that Nny would now be responsible for her life and her health. Frightening thought, isn't it?
Noodle Boy cleared his throat obnoxiously and began the ceremony. "dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join this bagel and this marshmallow in holy matrimony. In all honesty, love is like a magic jellybean. The wallets are full of crap and the clams are chirping. Dear god, why don't I have any toenails…"
Zim slapped Gir on the back of the head. "you forgot to plug in the 5-K!" he hissed.
"hey! I'm just a robot!"
Grumbling, Gir waddled over and plugged in said 5-K. but, he didn't notice how, five seconds later, it began to spark in the plug. The plugs were right behind the table holding the gifts, and ignited the one given by the Casils.
"… so, when you think about it, marriage is the eternal symbol of purple monkeys that bathe in cream cheese-"
And then the smoke alarms went off.
Johnny, of course, immediately took charge. "Ah- ladies and gentlemen, we seem to have a small electrical fire, so if I could ask you all to calmly and quickly head for the exits-"
A large wooden barrier fell from the ceiling.
"EVERYBODY RUN AND PANIC!" shrieked HNB.
They did. As the small crowd ran from their seats ("hey! Is the wedding over?" wondered Tak.) Satan laughed manically, Mrs. Casil shrieked that she shouldn't have listened to that little brat, and Zim yelled that he would not expire on this filthy planet because of some stupid fire.
Once everyone was in the parking lot, it was almost impossible to believe there had been a church at all, except for a patch of smoldering grass. "WHAT did you DO?!" Zim shrieked at Gir.
"I just plugged in the 5-K!"
Devi grabbed the small defective robot by the neck, and started shaking him, shrieking "I'LL PLUG IN YOUR 5-K!"
Jimmy and Anne pulled her back, Anne saying, "Devi-Devs, I know you're upset- but murder is never the answer!"
"well-" began Johnny.
"never the answer!" she insisted.
Devi then changed tactics. As Anne and Jimmy (I refuse to call that sick rapist bastard "Mmy") released her arms, she began crying. Real, heavy, syrupy sobs. "I know!" she blubbered. "I just- I just want-ted our wedding -to be- perfect- and now- and now it's all ruined!"
"no, it's not."
Everyone turned to see that it was Mimi who had spoken. Mimi! Despite the damage Gir had done to him, she had said something of useful input!
"what do you mean?" asked Johnny, his arms encircling his weeping bride (Good thing I used waterproof makeup, thought Anne).
"OK, so there was a little fire-" her eyes fell onto the giant square of blackened grass. "uhh… or a big… fire. That destroyed all the gifts… and the cake… and countless other things…"
"Is this going somewhere?" asked everyone.
"Yes. Yes, all that happened, but, that's not what a wedding is about. A wedding is about two people who love each other, who want to spend the rest of their lives together, joining together, surrounded by all the people who love them. And here we all are."
"Wait," said Devi, calming down. "Are you suggesting I get married in a parking lot?"
"… Well, all right, then."
"… And you two will cherish the eternal monkey in the eternal gym sock for all eternity. Yup, you'll do that baby-makin' thing for eternity. And you'll eternally love and cherish each other and the eternal pickle by-"
"THIS CEREMONY IS ETERNAL!" Cried Tak.
"Alright, alright! Geez, no need to be a mallowmar about it. eh-hem." He turned to Nny. "Do you, Jonathan Alexander Chadwick, take Devi Elizabeth Dinagander as your lawfully wedded Gumby? In sickness and in cheese, in good times and in crappy ones, for monkeys or for gym shorts, for money or for cardboard, as long as you both shall live, until the cheez-it apocalypse do you part?"
"and do you, Devi Elizabeth Dinagander, take Jonathan Alexander Chad-"
"If I didn't, I wouldn't be here. I do."
"Then by the noodles invested in me, by the city of Ignorantville, I now pronounce you Milk Band-Aid and Gumby. You may now- err- continue kissing the pie." Nny and Devi were already eating each other's faces.
During the reception, Devi started crying, because they couldn't do the cake-cutting. Then, they noticed that no one had seen Zim since the fire.
A cry of, "never fear, puny humans, for I have brought CAKE!"
Zim was holding up a wedding cake 3 times his height. It was iced in black fondant and purple frosting-ribbons, decorated in skulls and flowers. On the top were two figures that looked like Nny and Devi. They were holding hands, but Devi's doll was holding a bouquet, and Johnny's doll was holding a bloody knife. Tears continued leaking out of Devi's eyes. "Oh, Zim… it… it's…"
"what?! What, bridal pig-smelly? What is- OOMPH!"
Devi had Zim in a hug tighter than his tuxedo. "it's beautiful!" she sobbed. "thank you. Oh, Zim, thank you so much, Zim, you're so amazing, Dominique couldn't have a better friend than you." When she finally let him go, he was covered in lipstick stains.
"yes, well," he grumbled, rubbing uselessly at them. "as a stupid human woman once said, 'let them eat cake'."
And they did. Zim and dib got into an argument, during the tossing, about whether or not Zim would ever marry. "Never!" he cried. "NEVER! I AM ZIM! I WILL NEVER SELL MYSELF TO SOME USELESS FEMALE AND HAVE TO CARRY HER WEIGHT THROUGHOUT THE DURATION OF MY LIFE, NO MATTER HOW PRETTY SHE IS! NEVER! NEVER! NEV-" the garter landed in his extended hand.
"Hooray!" cried Johnny. "Zim and Tak are the next to get married!"
"Huh?" said Zim. "Buh- but-" his eyes fell on Tak, who was cheering and giggling and crying all at the same time. was clutching the black spray-painted roses in her spindly arms.
"you were saying?" Smirked Dib.