"Adrian, there's something you should know. I haven't been exactly truthful..? No, no that won't work. God! When is he getting back from work?" I stress out laying in my bed that Adrian and I share in our apartment. Oh! I hear the door. Am I really ready to crush his heart? No, not tonight, I decide. I roll over and pretend to sleep so he doesn't try speaking to me any longer.

Waitin', watchin' the clock, it's four o'clock, it's got to stop
Tell him, take no more, she practices her speech

As he opens the door, she rolls over
Pretends to sleep as he looks her over

Dimitri's gone. I just have to face the facts that since he's been turned back into a dhmpair he won't be anywhere near me. But, I still have no right to do this to Adrian. He loves me. There's no way I can let this go on any longer. I think to myself. I feel too guilty saying how much I love him when, really it's Dimitri I love. I always have.

She lies and says she's in love with him
Can't find a better man
She dreams in color, she dreams in red
Can't find a better man

See, this wouldn't have happened if Lissa hadn't have started to ignore me and hang all over Dimitri since she changed him back. Plus, if there's no one around for me to tell, then, I guess no one really needs to know.

Talkin' to herself, there's no one else who needs to know
She tells herself

Thinking back to when everything was simple, I wish it could be as easy as it was then, before the attack on the school, when I held Dimitri safe in my arms after our night at the cabins. I spent so much time waiting for him. And then, when Adrian came along, he made it so easy to use as a crutch, or a band-aid to make me feel better when he was gone.

Memories back when she was bold and strong
And waiting for the world to come along
Swears she'd do it, now she swears he's gone
She lies and says she's in love with him
Can't find a better man
She dreams in color, she dreams in red
Can't find a better man
She lies and says she still loves him
Can't find a better man
She dreams in color, she dreams in red
Can't find a better man

I love Dimitri, and, I guess as the time goes on I could learn to love Adrian just as much. But all I know is that without Adrian I am not my normal self, because without Dimitri or Adrian I really am nothing. This is why I decide to keep playing along with Adrian's fantasies of us being together just to feel at least half the girl I used to be.

She loved him
She don't want to leave this way
She feeds him
That's why she'll be back again
Can't find a better man

So this was in my head for a while but I finally got the motivation to write it at exactly 1:59 AM. Hope you liked it :D

Oh. All lyrics belong to the song 'Better Man' by Pearl Jam. No copyright infringement intended.