"Lisanna, now that you are back I am going to forget all about any other friends I may, or may not have grown close to," Natsu declared.
"Oh lord, it's going to be one of those, isn't it?" Lucy said.
"One what?" Mira asked.
"One of those fanfics where Natsu and Lisanna are all in love and I pretend like I'm happy for them, but really I'm torn up inside. You know, one of the ones there are five billion of."
"I see," Mira said, as she plotted how to bring Natsu and Lucy together, completely ignoring the fact that was being kind of douchey to her sister.
"You're plotting to bring me and Natsu together, aren't you?"
"Hey!" Mira said, "that is completely, and one hundred percent canon!"
"Yeah, if you count the omakes."
"You think you've got it bad?" Natsu said. "We have to act completely out of character."
"So do I!" Lucy said.
"The stupid anime completely messed up my character," Lisanna pouted. "I mentioned that stupid marriage promise thing once! And they went ahead and turned me into the 'child hood friend with marriage promise' character. It's like I'm from a harem anime now!"
"Nah," Lucy said. "Your breasts aren't big enough for that."
"Says you," Lisanna said, "they've been growing the past few chapters. You might as well call me Nami now."
"At least the anime didn't turn you into a sissy!" Natsu said. "That scene where I saw you in Edolas was supposed to be funny! And now I look like some...some..."
"Like someone finding their long lost lover?" Lucy asked.
"They probably got the scripts mixed up with those from Shugo Chara or some other shoujo series," Lucy said.
Natsu and Lisanna shuddered.
"Some people just try to add their own twist to things and it rarely works out," Lisanna said.
"And then the fans go overboard with it," Lucy shook her head. "Why don't people understand that if there were going to be pairings in this series, Mashima-sama would have left clues in the manga?"
"Hey, Lucy?" Natsu said. "Do you still have my scarf? I kind of want it back."
"Never!" Lucy said, clutching said article of clothing. "It's mine now." She held it up to her nose and took a deep breath.
"Luce?" Lisanna said. "I thought it was spelled L-U-C-Y, not L-U-C-E."
"It's a nickname," Natsu said, trying to pry his scarf away from Lucy.
"When have you ever used that nickname?" Lisanna asked. "When have you ever called her anything other than Lucy?"
"I think it's the fans trying to spell it phonetically from the japanese pronunciation in the anime," Natsu said, pulling at his scarf.
"That still spells out as L-U-C-Y!"
"It's anime fans," Natsu said. "They wouldn't know how to spell something if raped their dog. Give it back already!" Natsu said to Lucy.
"Never!" Lucy declared. "That scarf is the symbol of our love!"
"What?" Lisanna asked.
"Shippers have now declared that because I caught Natsu's scarf I must be in love with him!"
"And all the times you've squashed his face between your boobs doesn't count?"
"Those were not my fault!"
"They have been dropping quite a few shipping hints this arc," Mira said. "This must mean Natsu and Lucy are in love!"
"Mira-nee, no!" Lisanna said. "You're being replaced by a fan self-insert again!"
"I can't help it," Mira/Fan Author said. "It's so beautifully contrived."
"Mira noooooo! You bastards," Lisanna yelled. "You killed her character."
"Actually," Natsu said, "she's getting off light compared to everyone else."
"At least she doesn't have to suffer through this travesty of a fanfic."
"You know," Natsu said, "I wouldn't mind a fanfic with romantic elements, if it actually kept everyone in character, and had a good story to it too."
"Well," Lucy said. "Good luck with that."
And then they all got married, and/or had sex. Because that's what it's all about in the end.