My condemnation of the Naruto fanon-verse. 100% stolen from Trimatter's "In the Lunchroom".
There is No Fourth Wall.
Feel free to flame me. I really don't care. On another note, as Trimatter said, if you don't find this funny, they you probably either have no sense of humor, or are quite guilty of what I am saying…
At Ichiraku's, between stories…
"Soooo," Naruto said, leafing through some pages, "have you guys seen this next one. It's another one of those."
Sasuke sighed. "Let me guess. Another fic where I am portrayed as an irredeemable asshole, even though my entire world was just decimated?"
Naruto nodded. "Yeah, that's not even all. Your lines are relegated to monologuing about how amazing the Uchiha are."
"Pitiful. It makes me wonder if those writers even LOOKED at the original work. I mean, sure, I am an antagonist, but really, I never even killed anybody good anyway! Even when I had the chance, at the valley of the end, I let you live, not to mention how I saved you versus Gaara, and at other times".
"You didn't 'let' me do anything Sasuke. It was our BONDS!" Naruto was spouting some semi-idealistic nonsense. To his chagrin, nobody was listening.
"What about me?" Hinata cut in.
"Eh, you have it nice. Apparently, even though I was always after Sakura, that's a lie, and I totally loved you from the beginning. Oh, and you level up like 1200000 times after a very short amount of training sessions."
"Well, shit. That means I am so screwed." Sakura, depressed, had taken to crunching a kunai into powder between her gloves.
"Well, it's just the usual here. You are an extremely violent bitch, who enjoys nothing more then making my life miserable." Sakura shattered a barstool, and sent the shards into Sai's face.
"Do they not count ANYTHING after the timeskip? I was an eleven year old girl, of course I didn't fully understand what being a ninja was like. Besides, I totally made up for when I trained under Tsunade." Naruto continued looking through the script.
"Crap. It's an Anko fic." Eveyrbody shuddered. No matter how the writers played it off, her creepy tendencies were creepy, and nothing could really change that.
Kakashi appeared, late as usual. "Did I hear Anko fic?" Naruto nodded. "So I don't have any legitamate role, do I?"
"Naw, you show up late to choosing teams, so they saddle you with Sakura, Sasuke, and Kiba. It's another team eight gander…"
"But even so, an ANKO fic? I mean sure, they can always pull the whole 'village pariah' crap, but there really is no canon basis for that. Seriously, like half of these people have never read the manga. They would know that she is creepy as hell." Everybody shuddered, collectively, and made the sign to ward off evil.
Sasuke decided he felt like talking again. "Well, do you at least end up well?"
Naruto yelled. "NOT AGAIN!" Everybody stared at him, with questioning looks.
"They turned Jii-san into a bastard again. Apparently, him and Jiraiya did not trust the Fourth at all, and also hated me. That's why he never stopped by, and when he does during the Chunin exams, I just beat him up."
Sasuke raised his hand. "Wait. You beat JIRAIYA up? During the CHUNIN exam arc?" Naruto nodded empathetically.
"It says here, through the training of Anko" everybody, as usual, looked over their shoulder for her, "and some new sensei, Team Eight becomes super-awesome, basically overnight. I even fight off Orochimaru during the Chunin exams!"
Loud footsteps sounded. Eveyrbody looked, and saw a man with long, blue hair, spiky black sunglasses, and a trenchcoat walk towards them. A random person fell into his way, and with one quick flash, the before unseen longswords on his back flashed out, and cut the man into bite size pieces. Through his amazing skill, none of the blood even touched the man. "Yo. The name is Stu. Gary Stu. Me and Anko-darling will be your teachers." Everybody wilted.
"May he die a quick and painful death." Muttered Sasuke.