The light in my bedroom is muted. I guess the light isn't really on in my bedroom at all. It's coming from the bathroom that I just stepped out of. You know, because I had to wash my face and blow my nose after crying for an hour. But he's there – Edward is there on my bed. Waiting for me. And oh, god. He's naked. Well, not really naked, but he's lying there…in nothing but his boxers.
And he looks perfect.
I briefly wonder if I shouldn't have just come out naked, too. But I know that I'm not ready for that. For him to see me – all of me – walking across the room. So, I'm in my robe. It's completely unsexy. Terrycloth. All that's missing is a picture of a moon and stars. Or maybe a cat.
"Bella," he says, and my eyes go to his. "Are you okay?"
I nod my head, letting him know that I am because I have no words.
Edward is here…in my bed. And he told me that he loved me. We told each other, and just thinking about it makes me want to cry again. Not because I'm scared, even though I am. But because I never expected this to happen for me again. I never expected to find someone…to love someone who loves me too.
"Come here," he whispers. "Please, come over here."
And so, I walk to him slowly. Nervous. Excited.
I sit down on the edge of the bed, turning my knee in to face him. The robe slips open, and embarrassed, I immediately try to close it and cover myself.
Edward raises up to me, his hand covering mine…stopping me.
"We don't…we don't have to do this," he whispers. "I could just stay tonight. I could sleep here. You know, with you. I could…I could hold you…if you'll let me."
And I look at him, knowing he means it. I have no doubt that he would hold me all night. And almost like he hears me, he takes me in his arms.
"I want to," I whisper. It's the truth.
"You're shaking," he whispers back.
It dawns on me that Edward is holding me…and he's naked. Well, the top half of him is naked. And yeah…he feels really fucking good. And his smell…well, that's even better when it's coming directly from his skin. And suddenly, I'm really warm.
My hands trail down his back and I hear him take in a deep breath…and then I feel him shudder.
"Why are you nervous?" he asks.
"What if…what if I'm not…I don't know. What if I'm not what you expect?" I ask him. "My body…" My words trail off. I want to be honest with him, but there are some things you just can't say out loud. All of this is already embarrassing enough. I can't tell him that I'm afraid that once he sees me naked, he might not find me pretty. He might not want to be with me like this. "I'm mean, I'm… And well, you're…"
Before I know what's happening, Edward's mouth is over mine. He's kissing me deeply. And it feels so good, I just let him. And not only that, I find that I'm kissing him back. His tongue strokes…his lips suck. And then I feel the wet heat of his mouth moving down my neck. And he's sucking there, too. And fuck me, it feels so good.
"You're beautiful," he breathes against my skin. "You are so fucking beautiful, Bella. And you have always been beautiful to me."
And I don't want to cry. I don't want to be a mess. I want to just be with him, but his words are too much. They're exactly what I want him to say, but so hard to believe all at the same time.
He takes my hand and he guides it down…there. We both gasp as I feel him through the thin fabric of his shorts. Hard…and big…and seriously…he's so fucking hard. And not for nothing, I don't think he was really joking about the reason his wife left him. Well, he probably was, but what I feel in my hand is definitely huge. But I'm also pretty sure my vagina isn't that tiny.
"This is what you do to me," he tells me, pulling back and looking in my eyes. "Do you feel that, Bella?"
I can only nod my head, but my hand still strokes, still rubs him softly through the fabric. And then he moans.
He fucking moans.
And I die.
I did that. I made him do that. And suddenly, this moment isn't all about me. This moment is about him. About what I'm doing to him. And I am making him feel good. I love him…and I want to make him feel good.
"Please," he pants. "Please…let me see you. All of you."
And so I whisper, "Okay."
With trembling hands, Edward reaches out and unties the robe. And then he slowly pushes it from my shoulders. And he's staring at me…silent. Saying nothing at all. And almost reflexively, I move to cover myself.
But Edward stops me.
"Don't," he whispers. "You…you're perfect."
And in this moment, with him looking at me like this…I think that maybe I am.
He reaches for me, pulls me up against him. And our bodies are touching. Like really fucking touching. My breasts are pressed against his chest, our stomachs together. And I am in this moment. With him. I am here, right now, with him.
Maybe it's because we're close, and he's not looking at me. Maybe it's because it feels like every single thing has led us to this point. And not just these months with him, with group. But everything feels like I've found the person I was always looking for. And because of that, even though I'm still nervous, I'm not really scared.
This feels completely right.
"I love you," I whisper.
He pulls back to look at me again. My eyes. We're naked…and he's looking in my eyes.
"Say it again."
He fucking means it.
"I love you," I tell him. "It's crazy just how much."
He kisses me. It's soft and sweet. And I can't help but think about how this is exactly how he's always been. He has always been so soft and sweet with me.
"I already told you," he murmurs against my lips. "You're not crazy."
"This is my moment," I blurt out. "This…this right here. This is my moment."
"What moment?" he asks.
"This will always be the moment," I say, starting to cry all over again. Goddamn emotions. "This is the moment I will always remember as the moment I knew you were it for me. My person…you know…for forever."
And he looks at me for the longest time. And I look at him.
"Forever," he repeats.
"Yes," I tell him. "I need you to be…you know…my forever."
And it's out there now. I can't take it back. But I don't want to. There's still a small part of my brain that's wired to think that I can't trust anyone. But the biggest part of me – the important, trying-to-be-healthy part of me that I'm still working on – knows that I can trust him.
"I need you to be mine, too," he says.
And slowly, Edward lowers both of us to my bed. His body covers mine…his mouth covers mine. It's tender and it's sweet. It's slow and hot…and my desire builds. His desire builds. I feel it pressed against me. I want to feel it inside me.
And then I do.
And when he breathes, "I love you," into my mouth as we come, I know…
And it strikes me with such clarity.
Sometimes things don't work out at all. And sometimes…things don't work out the way you expected. I never expected to get better…to heal. I never expected to find my way out of the darkness. And I never expected to find Edward in the midst of trying.
But I did.
And he's here.
And Edward has been the most unexpected surprise.
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Thank you for the love, for loving these characters…and for cheering them on. You have made my life every single day for the last month. I adore you guys!
I have no words for Marvar. She's beyond amazing and knows just how much I love her. Thank you, soulmate. For everything.
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See you all when I get back from paradise!