This I Can Not
by Kayryn
Disclaimer: Showtime's, Evan Dunsky, Linda Wallem and Liz Brixius. Not mine. Never was, never will be or the show would be called Doctor O'Hara.
Rated: PG13/T for colourful words and suggestive subject matter.
A/N: Never written a Nurse Jackie story before. I hope I've done my favorite character at least some justice.

She wakes up slowly to the sound her of companion's muffled voice carrying through the closed door of the bathroom. She's positive she doesn't want to know who he's talking to. What a fucked up situation this is turning out to be. Not that it's the first time she's woken up next to someone she shouldn't. Not that it's the first time she's hearing that someone explaining their someone why they aren't where they should be. Usually, she doesn't give two bollocks. A shag and a promise to keep out of her way in the future is pretty much all she's asked since Sarah. Everything else seems too complicated and messy, and it's not like she's been lacking volunteers. Most nights, when she chooses to go out, she can have her pick and magnanimously grant her time to someone appearing suitable enough.

So why is this the third time she's ended up in her bed with him? If they're not careful, this might turn into a habit and that's not something she's prepared for. It's not something she wants. She's quite sure it's not something she could live with. Then again, had someone asked her two months ago, she would've sworn she didn't want to shag him at all. Not even once.

Rolling over, she buries her head into the pillow. It smells of him and scenes from the night before flash behind her eyelids; frantic, groping fingers, flailing limbs, sighs and groans, muffled curses and straining muscles all working towards that marvelous moment of sheer ecstasy. It was the soft kisses and the gentle arm around her afterwards that made her want to bolt.

Groaning, she rolls over on her side again and sits up. What in the bloody hell does she think she's doing with him? Better yet, what the hell does he think he's doing with her? God, what a ghastly mess! Never did she think she'd end up in a situation like this. Least of all with him.

She looks at the bathroom door. He's fallen quiet now, but hasn't returned to the room yet. Maybe he needs to clear his head as much as she needs to clear hers. She gets up and starts to pick up clothes that were, mere hours ago, thrown around without a care of where they landed. The sight of her ripped blouse causes another set of memories to surface, and she's startled when she realizes she's smiling.

A clean break. That's what they need. She can't erase his number from her contacts, because that might create questions in case she actually has to call him. She's trying to think of ways that someone might uncover their secret liaisons. So far no one knows and that's how it needs to stay. She's no good at lying, she never has been, but she knows how to keep a secret. That's something of a specialty of hers.

She startles as she hears the shower being turned on and licks her lips as her head conjures up an image of him naked in front of her. For a fraction of a second, she toys with the idea of continuing this, whatever this is, with him. But then she remembers the day she realized Sarah had someone else. She'd stood there in front of a statue of arrow pierced Christ and declared to Jackie she'd rather be dead than be in a situation where she was either the one being cheated on or the other woman. She never did learn how to share.

She thinks of Jackie and the lies the woman has had to tell to keep her world from crumbling down. She almost chuckles as she thinks of how she used to be impressed and almost proud of the way her friend was able to come up with believable bullshit at any given time and still remember who knew what. For years she thought she was the only one Jackie was honest with. She was the only one who knew about both lives the woman was leading and thus, foolishly, thought she was somehow exempt from the deceiving. Well, she's learned her lesson there.

Of course now things are even more complicated, but she can't see a way out without leaving Jackie hanging out to dry and there's a snowball's chance in hell she'll do that to her. She doesn't want to hurt Jackie. The nurse is the only constant in her life, the only friend she's had since her school days. If their rift a few weeks ago taught her anything, besides to never trust even the ones you think you can, it taught her that she's miserable without Jackie. It wasn't the lunches she ate alone, or the not buying something new for her wardrobe that made her realize that sooner or later she would have to forgive the woman. It wasn't the banter that was now missing from her daily life, or even that she caught herself considering moving back to the old country. It was the knowledge that there was someone who fully and completely just got her and that that one person was no longer there. She and Jackie have developed a connection so deep that whether it be about work or not, instead of sentences they often use a word or two, sometimes not even that. They know exactly how to help the other one through another horrendous day and when something goes right for once, one is happy for the other as if it was happening to them. If she believed in soulmates, she's say that's what they are to each other. Like the other part of you without whom you're lost.

"Shower's free."

The deep voice draws her from her thoughts and she hesitates before turning to look at him. Meeting his eyes, she silently acknowledges that they'd make a hell of a good looking couple. But, she shakes the thought out of her head. No reason to dwell on that as this… thing between them has to stop.

She takes a deep breath and knowing he'll agree, she tells him, "We need to find our way back into the status of me unintentionally belittling you and your roots and you detesting me and my money. I can't do this to Jackie or your girls."

The End

A/N #2: Before you go throwing rotten tomatoes and used needles at me, yes, I did pair O'Hara with Kevin and no, I don't expect them to get together. It was something that just came into my head and wouldn't leave me alone, this 'from-hate-to-sex/love' idea. They always say opposites attract, and I can't think of two characters more opposite than O'Hara and Kevin. Also, seeing them next to each other I just can't help but think that they'd actually make a good looking couple. Now I'll go hide behind a rock and when I say 'okay' you can start throwing things at me...