3Hello everyone! This is just something my friend and I were writing through posts on facebook, so don't take it too seriously. It's just here for entertainment.
But if you do like it please feel free to comment!
Harry Potter and all related subjects (c) J.K. Rowling
It was a sunny day when a Norwegian Ridgeback landed by the side of Hogwarts School of Wizardry's lake. The giant squid popped his head out of the lake and was like "Dude, dragon, this is going to sound really weird, but it's always been my dream to eat a human." Then the dragon looked down at the squid and said "Dude, I eat human's all the time. Regular ones don't taste very good. You need to find something weirder. They carry all the magical deliciousness." The squid looked at the dragon with interest. "How about a really big asshole of a human? Oh oh oh, a really ugly one! Sometimes, the ugly fish taste better than the pretty ones. Think the same thing may apply to humans?" "Won't know till we try!" The dragon shouted joyously. He scooped up the squid and deposited him on his back. "Hold on tight, our magical adventure to find the ugliest, tastiest human starts now! ADVENTUUUUURRRREEEEEE!" With a bounding leap, the dragon flapped its massive wings and took off into the skies, giant squid in tow.
Meanwhile...
Back on the grounds of Hogwarts, a group of students looked up at the skies to see what appeared to be a dragon being violated by the giant squid as it few towards the horizon.
"Fuck. Hogwarts is weird." one of them said.
The second nodded his head. "Yep. And it's a wonder why our parents send us here to risk our lives with all the crazy shit that goes on."
"Definately." the third replied.
"Wanna have sex?" the first replied.
"Threesome?" the second said.
"You're on."
The three left to go have magical adventures in the dorm rooms of Hogwarts as a lonely house elf looked on in fear.
"Oh bother, looks like we're going to have another magical infestation of non aquatic crabs again. Fuck."
The little house elf raised it's itty bitty fists to the sky and sank to its knees.
"FUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKK!"
The three students ran to the Slytherin common room, skipping and holding hands joyously whilst singing a wonderful, monotone chorus of their favorite song, "Like a Virgin." As they approached their dorms, they came to the sad realization that due to Hogwart's new magically enforced rules, males could not enter female common rooms, and vice versa. The trio looked down, saddened. Then, one looked up with excitement, "Wait!" she said, "But I'm really a man!" She took off her wig, to reveal that she was really Vincent Crabbe. The blonde boy stared, until finally he spoke. "We should totally go to the Room of Requirement." "Oh Draco, I knew you'd understand!" Crabbe said. "Let's go, Goyle!"
As the trio skipped down the hall, they ran into Professor Snape. "And where are the three of you going?" he questioned. "Uhm...nowhere." Draco replied. "I see..." said Snape, "and what exactly will you be doing, in nowhere?" Silence ensued... "BAKING MUFFINS." Goyle screamed. Snape paused "...then take these." He reached into his cloak pocket and gave them a bag of Bertie Botts Every Flavor Condoms.
The three jolly (and horny) young boys skipped up to the 5th floor and entered the room of requirement. As the door appeared they opened it without hesitation. Dozens of candles floated in the air all around the rose petal covered room. In the center was a large, ornate bed. It was covered in dark red sheets and the pillows were large and fluffy. In the center of the bed sat a young man. He sat provocatively, with a heart shaped pillow providing some decency to the party that was in his pants. "Who are you?" Draco demanded to the shirtless boy. "I," the boy began, "am Neville "Sexgod" Longbottom."
In the meantime, somewhere over Ireland, the giant squid and the norwegian ridgeback were on their search for the douch-iest human they could find. "Hey, land in that lake over there!" the squid shouted. The dragon circled, and saw that the squid had spotted another mythical friend; the loch ness monster. "Hey, what's your name?" the squid said to his fellow aquatic beast. "My name is Stan. What brings you two here?" The dragon gently dropped the squid into the lake, and set himself on the shore of the lake. "I'm
Rick, and this is my lake-dwelling friend, Beaker. We're hungry, and we want to eat a human. But, we want to eat one that's a really big asshole." the dragon replied. "Well," replied the squid, "I can't really help you out much, but we can do one thing..." The squid stared intently. "What might that be?" he inquired. "THROW A SEXI PARTY!" The three beasts cheered, and loud dubstep started playing out of nowhere.
A large bubble surrounded Beaker allowing him to follow Stan and Rick as they dove deep down into the loch. The music got louder the deeper they went, and soon they found themselves outside a large sunken palace. "Come on in guys!" Stan said, "The party will be fantastic!" Lights glowed from many places, reflecting through the water and creating a rainbow of colors everywhere they looked. Dolphins, fish, merpeople, and the occasional Blastoise raved on the dance floor. "This place is awesome!" the dragon/squid pair shouted as they joined the crowd, jamming to the beat as they threw their claws/tentacles about like they just didn't care. After a few minutes however, Beaker tapped Ricks shoulder and pointed to the far corner of the room. Rick's giant eye wandered over to the DJ booth where a man, skin pale as can be and dressed in black robes, rocked out as he played the tunes for the funtastic party that happened around him. He held up a pair of headphones to his ear and messed with his soundboard. Then he gave a little sneeze. The duo gave a slight grimace as they watched him wipe a trail of snot that oozed down his flat face from his nonexistent nose before he wiped it away with a special waterproof hankie. As his hand came closer to his face they saw a slight shimmering of light appear around his head; it must have been some sort of magic that allowed those wizard-creatures the ability to breathe underwater. "Man he's ugly," Beaker stated. Then Beaker's eyes opened wide. "WE SHOULD TOTALLY EAT THAT UGLY FUCKER." Rick thought for a second, and decided they must devise a plan to get the ugly-ass wizard out of the water. Meanwhile at Hogwarts, Neville "Sexgod" Longbottom was working his charm. "You know guys... my bottom isn't the ONLY thing on me that's long.. ;D"