A/N: A random thought that occurred to me during my holiday, and I just got back so here it is! Don't take this seriously at all, it's just a bit of fun ;) This is set after the war, but that's not really important x3
'Whaahapping?' Harry sat up in his four poster bed, bleary eyed, and began searching the room. Ron, Seamus, Dean and Neville were all missing, not a hint that they had been there the night before. Harry groaned. 'Must be a dream' he said aloud, in the hope he'd wake up. Nothing. He looked down to see he was wearing a collared green shirt, matching brown trousers and overcoat with ankle-high black boots. Harry bolted out of bed and stared at himself in the mirror. 'WHAT THE FUCK' He exclaimed in horror. 'Jesus, give me Ron's dress robes any day! I look like a prat!' He looked around the room and laughed. 'Alright guys, you can come out now. Very funny' He waited, but no-one came. 'Fine, I guess I'll just have to-' Harry's eyes widened involuntarily. His trunk was bare, save for two grey cylindrical chunks, and a lantern. 'Eh? What's this?' He picked up the blocks and examined them. 'Oh guys, you've really outdone yourselves this time' He pocketed them, seeing as his new coat had ridiculously huge pockets and picked up the lantern 'Hey wait!' He whirled around and ran to his bedside table. 'That's not funny guys, give me my wand!' Silence. 'Seriously now-' Harry jumped as the door swung open, as if pushed by wind. But there was no wind. He looked out his window and saw the trees of the Forbidden forest were still. After watching the door for several minutes he decided they weren't going to come and he ventured into the tiny hallway, and down the stairs into the Gryffindor common room. It was deserted, only a tiny crackle of fire left in the grate. On the table in front, Harry saw a tiny piece of parchment. He walked over and read it.
Put bins out.
Sincerely, your former self.
Harry gazed at the paper for so long, the fire went out behind him and he was plunged into darkness. Panicking slightly, he stuffed the note into his pocket and pulled out his lantern. 'What does that mean, eh?' He called out, still assuming that this was either a dream or a prank. 'Eat chicken. Honestly. Who thought of that? Ron probably. He loves his food.' Harry hoped that perhaps goading the boys would cause them to appear. No such luck. 'Fine! I'll just walk around the castle and get caught by Snape or something you bastards!' Sticking his nose in the air, Harry stormed out, making sure to slam the door behind him. He shivered instantly. Why was it so cold? What was making that horrible moaning noise? Harry shuddered again. 'Oh, please don't let that be Trelawney. I've already walked in on her and Slughorn!' Cringing at the memory, he slowly made his way down the staircase. Suddenly, his lantern extinguished without warning, causing Harry to crash down the final few steps, ending with a spectacular thump as his face hit the floor. 'ARGH FUCKING HELL!' Harry yelped, standing up and nursing his now broken nose. He glared at the portrait nearest to him, cursing. It wasn't moving. 'Wait, what? How did you get the paintings playing muggle?' Harry managed to stem the blood flow from his nose by tearing off a part of his jacket and bunching it underneath. Shrugging off the useless garment, Harry continued down through the moonlit hallway. He came across a candle and pulled the grey chunk out of his pocket. 'Give me light!' He yelled at it, striking it against the wick. To Harry's surprise, it caught alight, casting light across the hallway. 'Brilliant!' He clapped his hands together and grinned, wrapping his hand around the handle. He attempted to pull the candle from the table but nothing. He yanked again. Nothing. 'MOVE YOU FUCKING THING!' He screamed, grasping it with both hands and pulling with such force that he ended up toppling backwards. Panting, he glared at the candle, from his new position on the floor. 'Fine then!' He stalked down the corridor, anger rolling off him in waves. 'Why can't I take a bloody candle with me! It's not a-' At this point, Harry let out a rather feminine scream, as the door directly in front of him swung open, seemingly of its own accord. Shaking, Harry peered into the gloom on the other side. 'H-hello?' His voice quivered with shock. Nothing was there. 'Get a fucking grip Harry! Hang on... I know!' Despite his lack of wand, Harry thought this was a good idea. 'EXPECTTOOO PATROONUUMM!' He roared at nothing in particular. Unfortunately, a much louder roar retaliated to Harry's pointless outburst. Shrieking, Harry dashed away from the roary thing and ran to what he thought was the Great Hall. It was, in all respects, the Great Hall. But when he walked in, he realised the ceiling was lower and free from enchantment, and at the other end, a man was hanging by his wrists.
'Help... Me...' Harry approached him slowly.
'D-dumbledore? But I thought you were dead!' He yelped, as he saw that the silver-haired man was nearly naked. At least that loincloth was there.
'Lever... Please...' Harry's eyes found the wooden stick and he grabbed it, pulling it down with all his might. Dumbledore's head pulled up and he appeared to look at Harry, despite his dead eyes. Harry muffled a whimper as he saw the man's beard and lower jaw was missing. 'Ah... Harry...' He jumped.
'P-professor! You can-'
'Of course I can talk. How has school been? How's Minerva? And Severus has certainly taken a bad turn hasn't he?'
'But your jaw is missing!' He spluttered.
'Ah, indeed it is. I'll have to thank Severus for that. But you see he's been trying to get back to his world. But we cannot allow that. Extracting vitae from the students' If he had been able to, Harry was sure he would of shaken his head in disproval.
'Now now, my dear Harry, I'm sure you're aware of the entrance into the kitchens?'
'Ah, good. Good. Go down there and you will various ingredients for me. Then you can help me and we can get out of here'
'But how do i-'
'Beware Severus though, he's been going about the wrong methods I suppose'
'How do you-'
'Of course, he should've just accep-'
'DUMBLEDORE WOULD YOU JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONE SECOND!' Harry screamed at him. Dumbledore paused.
'Anyway, if he'd just accepted his death...'
'FINE. IM OFF TO GET YOUR FUCKING STUFF FROM THE KITCHEN!' Harry began to storm towards the door.
'Harry!' Dumbledore exclaimed, but Harry ignored him, slamming the door behind him.
'For someone with no jaw, he's exceptionally chatty' he muttered, walking into Firenze's classroom. Harry frowned. He didn't know why he had just walked into here. He shrugged and started to walk out when he kicked over a bottle. 'Huh?' He bent over and picked it up, examining it. The bottle was full of a somewhat gold liquid, which he recognised as oil. Grinning, he unstoppered the bottle and poured it into his lantern. 'Light!' He extended the now lit lantern gleefully, walking out into the corridor. He practically skipped down to the fruit painting, pausing every now and then to raid various rooms for tinderboxes and oil. He'd even managed to find an oil barrel, filling his lantern to the brim. After tickling the painting as Hermione had when she began SPEW- 'Aha!' Harry's head clicked. He knew how to get help. 'Kreacher!' He said to the kitchen, waiting for the elf to appear in front of him. No such thing occurred. 'Goddamned unreliable elf!' He kicked a pot in frustration, and began hopping around, nursing his throbbing toe. 'OW, fuck, bugger, shit, wank-' A loud roar, the same as before joined in with Harry's expletives. Harry stopped almost immediately, quivering with fear. When it had stopped he looked around the room, his lantern casting light around the room. No elves were present, but right in front of him was a small potion labelled 'Dumbledore's'. Harry grinned. This was going to be easier than he thought. He plucked the bottle from the table and pocketed it. Suddenly, a loud crash reverberated from where the painting was. Panicking, Harry ran and hid in a gap between an oven and a wall. The wood of the portrait splintered and Harry hurriedly extinguished his lamp. As whatever it was finished bursting through the entrance he could hear the same moaning again. And footsteps. And it stank. Harry recoiled. Whatever it was, it was in need of a bath. He poked his head round the oven and gasped in horror. It was Alecto Carrow. But she was highly disfigured. Her jaw had distended into some form of flap and her hair had disappeared. Her eyes were bulging from each side of her head and she was stripped of all of her clothes, just barely covered by several strings of rope. He didn't know how he knew it was Alecto, but it just seemed as though it was. He grimaced. It looked like her flesh had started to rot and decay, some form of larvae burrowing into the skin of her leg. Harry resisted the urge to gag. He was going to have to run for it. Three... He braced himself. Two... A deep breath... One! Harry bolted from his hiding spot, towards the now demolished painting. He could hear Alecto chasing him, but he didn't look back. She was bearing down on him, so he turned back into a room he had raided before, bolting the door. She was already smashing her way through the door so he picked up a chair, preparing to use it as a weapon if needed. After several smashes, the door splintered over the floor and Harry launched the chair at Alecto. It struck her, full force in the jaw and she stopped. Harry laughed.
'Don't like that now, do you!' He grinned. Alecto raised a clawed hand and waved, almost comically.
'Harry... Potter...' She wheezed, with great difficultly. He froze. 'I... Want... A... Hug...' She stretched out her arms and Harry recoiled.
'Uh... No thanks' She roared in disappointment and charged at him. 'Shit!' Harry just managed to jump out the way and she collided with the wall. 'Well someone doesn't like rejection' he called over his shoulder as he scarpered from the room.
'Dumbledore! Dumbledore! A... A... Monster!' He skidded into the Great Hall, closing the huge doors behind him.
'Ah Harry. When I was your age-'
'It was really scary! I want to stay here! I have this though!' he whimpered, pulling out the vial of potion.
'Ah, excellent! Just come here Harry, and pour it onto me- yes, that's right' he said approvingly, as Harry edged closer to him, pulling the cork from the bottle. 'Just pour it onto me...' Rolling his eyes, Harry followed the command.
'Alright, alright, you don't have to tell me a million fucking times' he finished pouring the liquid over Dumbledore.
'Excellent! Now just a case of sawing off my head. So you'll need-' Harry gawped at him.
'I'm not sawing off your fucking head Dumbledore, end of!' Dumbledore sighed.
'You need to Harry, or we can't defeat Severus!' Harry muttered something unintelligible. 'What was that?'
'Nothing.' Harry said quickly. He was vaguely aware Dumbledore was talking again (not that he was surprised; the man wouldn't bloody shut up). He didn't particularly want to saw off his ex-professors head but he was already dead, so it couldn't hurt. Could it? Doing his best to block out Dumbledore's ramblings, he searched the room for a saw. He managed to find a blunt hatchet; it would have to do.
'And the Erumpent horn exploded, just like that! I wasn't really sure who was there, but there was fragments of my beard and my jaw had gone. I didn't notice for half an hour' Dumbledore continued, not noticed the dark-haired boy, slowly hacking at his neck. He continued talking up until the point where Harry had finished chopping off his head and wrapped it in the Slytherin banner; he thought it would muffle his speech better. Harry lugged the head down towards the dungeons, when he heard moaning again. Alecto was still patrolling near the kitchens. Harry had a sudden brainwave. He sprinted back into the kitchens and glanced around. He spotted the chicken sitting on the edge. 'So why am I meant to eat this? He examined it, and he could hear Dumbledore trying to reply. Behind him he spotted a large, metal bin. He chucked away the lid and emptied the bin, stuffing the chicken into his nearly full pockets, just as Alecto staggering in.
'HUG...' She ran towards him and he braced himself. It was now or never. He launched the bin over her grotesque head, covering most of her body and pinning her arms to her sides. Harry raced past her, down into the dungeons and rested against a wall, panting. He heard moaning again. Oh great, he thought, she got free. But as he listened, he realised it sounded different. Almost a cross between a whale and a cow. He stiffened as another monster came into view. This one looked far more dangerous. It looked like Frankenstein's monster; various bolts and wire protruded from it's limbs, one of which ended with a large hamstring blade; one swipe of that surely meant death. It was wearing what looked like wooden boards. Harry looked up at its head and had to suppress a giggle. Its head looked like a giant vagina, albeit lined with teeth and a solitary eye. It mooed at him again and he realised it vaguely resembled Amycus Carrow, Alecto's brother. Feeling a surge of bravery, Harry launched a rock at him, hitting him squarely in the stomach. Amycus turned with a grunt.
'Oi! Cunt face!' Harry called at him, before running away at high speed. He was vaguely aware of Amycus pounding after him, but the rush of adrenaline kept him going, until he crashed into the Potions classroom. The tables were gone. In the centre of the room stood a huge cauldron, surrounded by three flimsy looking pillars, forming a triangle around it. It was emitting an eerie blue glow which clashed with the red peeking under the door behind him. Harry stepped forward and saw Snape behind the cauldron. All of him was enveloped by the blue light too, his sallow face, greasy hair, hooked nose, hairless chest and- Harry promptly shrieked and put his head in his hands. 'MY EYES!' Harry flailed randomly, refusing to open his eyes.
'Oh calm down you stupid boy' Snape hissed at him. Harry had a sudden surge of hatred for the man and risked a glance. Now that he looked again, he promptly burst out laughing. He pointed at Snape, managing a few words in between breaths. 'Oh... God... Your... Cock... Is... Tiny!' Harry exclaimed, gasping and rolling on the floor, accidentally knocking over one of the pillars.
'Foolish boy! Stop what you're doing! Ah, the portal shall be open soon...' Harry barely heard this, as Dumbledore's head had rolled out in the commotion and was now talking over everyone else.
'Harry! Put my head in when he's- what are you doing!' Harry had at this point, decided it would be an ideal time to eat the chicken in his pocket. It was cold, but on the whole rather nice. Snape merely quirked an eyebrow at him.
'Chicken?' He asked, and Harry responded with a nod.
'Its tasty. Want some?' Harry held out a bone for a second, before throwing it at Snape's forehead. The portal swallowed it up though, and Harry thought he heard a robotic voice say 'I can't test with skeletons!'. He shook his head and picked up Dumbledore's extremely chatty, jawless head and chucked it at the portal.
'NO!' Snape roared. Several things then happened simultaneously. The head was sucked into the portal. Snape was released by the blue light and collapsed on the ground. The door burst open and a red light engulfed the room, killing Snape and Harry.
The next thing Harry knew he was sitting up in his bed, with Ron hovering over him, worried, whilst Seamus, Neville and Dean snored from the other side of the room.
'Are you okay mate?' Ron said, frowning.
'Yeah. Fine' he sat back and yawned. He looked outside. It could only be about 3am. Ron nodded knowingly.
'Was it, You-Know-Who?' He trembled slightly, despite Harry having vanquished the man in question last year. Shaking his head, Harry yawned. 'Right, I'll let you sleep then' he grinned at Harry and retreated to his bed. Just as Harry heard Ron's snoring join the cocophany already present, he slipped back into a dreamless sleep...
'Wake up Potter!' Harry felt the sun through his eyes before he felt the hands shaking him.
'Wasgoinon?' He muttered, trying to push whoever it was off.
'Wake up!' The shaking only got more insistent. Harry opened his eyes and froze with shock.
'I've got a surprise for you' winked a very close, and very naked Severus Snape.
A/N: I was reading Deathly Hallows whilst listening to the Amnesia OST. And that is how, naked Baron Snape was born x3 I don't know if he's a Baron in this. He can be if you like. Credit for the title of the story goes to my mum, for laughing hysterically over a text that wasn't even that funny x3