A VERY POTTER SITCOM

EPISODE 2, SEASON 2

"LEGALLY BLONDE PART 2"

(TV-14- DL)

Music from Legally Blonde used

Idea of Legally Blonde/ AVPM crossover originally used by YouTube video maker huffley6 in music videos at YouTube. They have made many excellent videos and I strongly suggest all fans reading this go and enjoy them, especially the two featured in this episode.

(We begin with the usual title screen)

(We then see Snape standing on the stage in darkness with a spotlight on him, giving an announcement)

Snape: Attention all AVPS viewers. Previously on our show, you watched as Professor Lupin, who is unfit to teach students and is a danger to himself and everyone around him along with the fact that he never actually graduated, returned. We also discovered that Lupin really CAN sing after all. Anywho, the students all participated in a brand new class that teaches how to become a lawyer in the Wizarding World. Soon, some shall be selected to work for Professor Lupin, who is somehow a lawyer now, as an intern to defend Dolores Jane Umbridge in an upcoming court case….

(He turns away and then turns back around)

Snape: Oh, I almost forgot. Potter and Weasley blew up a microwave or something. Enjoy!

(He walks off and audience cheers as we see the set of Lupin's new classroom with all of the students inside, ready for class)

Lupin: Alright, gang. Now, today, after two whole weeks of school, I am already going to select some new students to be in my intern group.

Goyle: Goyle will get in because Goyle rules.

Lupin: Yes, we are aware of that, Greg. Now, it's time. Everyone stand up and get into a large group.

(They do so)

Lupin: Alright. Now, it's time for the winners to be chosen.

(Everyone smiles brightly, looking excited)

Lupin: Draco Malfoy!

Malfoy: HA! I FINALLY BEAT YOU ALL! WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT? HUH?

Lupin: Malfoy, most people made it in, now sit down and shut up.

(Looks at paper)

Lupin: Hermione Granger.

(Hermione squeals with delight)

Hermione: AH! I squealed with delight!

Lupin: Ron and Harry.

Harry: What's up?

Ron, calmly: Word!

(They take their seats)

Lupin: Jacob Kragoff.

Jacob, smiling like Cedric: Well…I don't find this surprising at all.

Lupin: Yes, Jacob. Yes. Now you may sit down. Uh…let's see here….Lavender Brown.

(The Cho Chang theme plays as Lavender takes her seat, pressing her palms and fingers together like a stereotypical Asian greeting)

Lupin: Pavarti Patil.

(And Indian girl walks in)

Ginny in fake Indian accent: Greetings, Pavarti. Welcome to our land…. I am Gin-

Everyone else: THAT'S ANGELINA JOHNSON!

(Audience laughs)

Ron, undertone: Racist sister.

(The extra girl from last episode, the lesbian, walks in)

Pavarti: Glad I made it.

Lupin: I'm glad you did too…*undertone*you little lesbo.

(Looks at slip of paper)

Lupin: And Cho Chang!

Cho: OH, my God, I won! I'm very, VERY happy about this, Professor.

Lupin, smiling: Yeah. So am I, Cho. So am I.

(Cho walks to her seat, squealing comically with her mouth closed and her eyes wide open)

Lupin: The rest of you. Thank you for your participation. Please exit the classroom.

(They exit as Goyle stays and shouts)

Goyle: I am gonna make it, Mr. Lupin! I am better than you think! I can do this! And I am gonna rock this world! You gonna say a little bit from now, "yeah, I was wrong about Goyle!" yeah!

(He storms out)

Lupin: Why the American Idol outburst? Now he gets a two hour free period.

(Puts paper in his pocket as door closes)

Lupin: Alright, guys. Now, we're gonna watch a video about our defendant. We're gonna see why she's there and what we're gonna do to help her.

Harry: We should just let her rot in Prison!

Everyone: Yeah!

Lupin: They're paying us all by the hour.

Everyone, scattered: Oh well, we should just help, you know be the bigger people, yeah forgive and forget, why not?

Lupin: Okay. Here we go. (Points wand at a large screen) Play…..

(We see Umbridge on the screen in an orange prison uniform but still with her pink cardigan)

(Audience claps)

Umbridge: From now on…we gonna be doin' things my way.

(She is speaking to a group of other prison girls all played by the usual Starkid girls, all sitting down and looking fearful)

Umbridge: We gonna be doin' things….THE UMBRIDGE WAY!

Girl, played by Lavender: Oh, God help us.

(A bouncy, dance song begins)

(Umbridge grabs the girl by the ponytail)

Umbridge, singing: Do you want an easy miracle? Do you wanna lose a pound or two?

(Walks to center stage)

Umbridge, singing: Then you can leave this room right now, my workout's not for you. I'm talking to the woman who wants it all! Gotta pay for what you get (BEAT) 'Cause size 2 clothes don't to those too lazy to sweat.

(Song picks up and other inmates join in)

Umbridge, with others: I want you WHIPPED INTO SHAPE! When I say jump, SAY "HOW HIGH?" You know you're doing it right when you start TO CRY! If you don't look like you should-

Umbridge: YOU'VE GOT TO-

Others: Whip it! Whip it! Whip it good!

Umbridge: I'm sorry ladies, no escape (BEAT) till you're WHIPPED INTO SHAPE!

(Girls form a line)

(Umbridge grabs Cho's other character by the hair and yells at her)

Umbridge: Come on, Sabrina, you heifer! Work it out!

(Shoves her hard)

Sabrina: I hate you, Umbridge! (Brightly) But I LOVE you for it!

Umbridge: Whipped into shape! I used to be a chubby little, little girl. (Beat) Till my Momma said "Now Dolores, work until you hurl!" And from that moment on, I didn't rely on looks or pretty little hair made locks! Instead I ate nothing but eggs and shakes and some good old fashion ROCKS! I want you-

Everyone: WHIPPED INTO SHAPE! When I say jump, DO NOT DIE! You have to work really hard, or kiss your hips good-bye! If you don't look like you should-

Umbridge: YOU'VE GOT TO-

Everyone: WHIP IT! WHIP IT! WHIP IT GOOD!

Umbridge and others: Don't flap your wait like a cape! (BEAT) Just get yourself WHIPPED INTO SHAPE!

(Dance beats)

Umbridge, speaking loudly as girls exercise: YOU KEEP ME YOUNG, GIRLS! YOU KEEP ME YOUNG! A DER DER DER DER DEEERRR!

(Image freezes)

Hermione's voice as we still see image: Hey, why'd you pause it?

(We see classroom)

Lupin: We have a lot to cover.

(Slower beat)

Lupin, singing: Meet your brand new client, Umbridge the old crook. You can laugh, but she's made tons off her DVD's and book, "Whip your way to tighter buns!" (Beat*2) Happily married, so she swears, to her 60 year old stud. Till step daughter came downstairs and found Umbridge all covered in his blood!

(BEAT)

Lupin: If she took a plea, I'd have her out in 3 to 4. But she claims she did not kill him-

Neville, standing: Did she?

Lupin: Let's watch some more.

(We see screen again as video resumes)

(Quick techno beats as song picks up again and image begins again)

Umbridge, singing: But it's more than just a work out, it's a defensive weapon too.

(We see a flashback of her kicking Hermione in AVPS)

Others: HUH!

Umbridge, singing: Simply wrap it 'round your assailants neck and pull till he turns blue.

Others: HUH!

(We see Umbridge choking Snape in AVPS)

Umbridge, singing: You can also use the patented handle grip to shatter your attacker's spine-

(Others shout "HUH!" as we see Umbridge raise "Momma's little love hand" about to hit Hermione in AVPS)

Umbridge: And all for three small payment of

All: $19.99!

Umbridge: I want you WHIPPED INTO SHAPE! When you get grief from a guy-

(Umbridge grabs an actor and pulls him into a headlock)

Umbridge: -just work him over with this, till he starts to cry! If he don't act like he should-

(Umbridge stamps on floor as usual)

Umbridge: YOU'VE GOT TO-

Others: WHIP IT! WHIP IT! WHIP IT GOOD!

All: It gets you out of any scrape. It gets you…WHIPPED INTO SHAPE!

(Dance, techno music as they exercise)

Umbridge: Come on, people!

Others: WHIPPED INTO SHAPE!

Umbridge: What does not kill us makes us hotter!

(Umbridge prepares to stomp again but the video is paused again and we see Lupin in class)

Lupin, spoken: Hands! Now, who thinks she's guilty?

(All kids raise their hands)

Lupin, singing: Okay, now here is where you kids come in! Umbridge has trouble trusting me, but I'm her only chance to win! But I don't speak Witch Weekly or MTV. Though she won't help her own defense, she might listen to her old students, not her peers! Go and place a little sense in the space between her ears.

(Hermione raises her hand)

Hermione, spoken: I have dealt with-

Lupin, spoken: Not now. (BEAT) *Singing* I want her whipped into shape. If there's a brain in that hair, tell it that I am the key. She must sit in that chair! She has to tell her side to the court with sadness, no bliss. It's a plea or the Dementor's kiss! See, when I talk to her I get neither plea nor plan nor alibi. To quote from our defendant's tape (BEAT) I want her Whipped into Shape! To Azkaban!

(Students cheer things like "Whoo, fieldtrip" etc., etc.)

(The back board of the set rises and the desks move away and we see Azkaban prison with Umbridge standing in the middle of scary looking, dancing, tough inmate girls)

(Audience goes wild with cheering as they see Joe Walker)

Umbridge, yelling: LADIES! Just because we're in Azkaban's area of Women's Correctional facility, does not mean we can't become the best that we can be! HERE WE GO!

(They do the dance that Umbridge and the Dementors performed in the song "Stutter" from AVPS)

Umbridge: Circle, circle, under, over, through, around! AGAIN! (They repeat) GOOD! Circle, circle, under, over, through, around! All right, ladies. We can't break out of here, but we sure can break a sweat!

(Techno plays in the background)

Umbridge: Left! Right! Left! Right! Good!

All, singing loudly: Left! Right! Left! Right! Left! Right!

Umbridge: WORK IT OUT!

(Music slows with very loud beats)

Everyone, loudly: I WANT YOU WHIPPED INTO SHAPE! WHEN I SAY JUMP, SAY "HOW HIGH?" YOU KNOW YOU'RE DOING IT RIGHT WHEN YOU START TO CRY! IF YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE YOU SHOULD-

Umbridge: YOU'VE GOT TO-

Other: WHIP IT! WHIP IT! WHIP IT GOOD!

Umbridge: Like prison, ladies, there's no escape! (BEAT*2) Till you're WHIPPED INTO SHAAAPPEE!

Others: Whip it! Whip it!

Blonde girl: Whipped into SHAAAAAHEEYYYAAPPEE!

Others: Whip it!

Umbridge: Swipe it, swipe it, swipe it through! Check it out! Double jump!

Others: Swipe it, swipe it, swipe it through! Check it out! Double jump!

Umbridge: THAT'S RIGHT! YOU'VE GOT IT!

(Rock guitar in the background)

Others: Whip it, whip it, whip it!

Everyone: GET WHIPPED INTO SHAPE!

(Quick end and audience cheers very loudly)

(Commercial break)

(We return to see Umbridge sitting in a small room)

(She looks up as the class and Lupin walks in)

Lupin, cheerfully: Umbridge! Meet you're new defense team!

(Umbridge takes a look at the students)

Umbridge: Them?

Lupin: Right.

Umbridge: Them?

Lupin: Yeah.

(Long pause)

Umbridge, flopping her arms down in pity: Well….I'm f***ed.

(Audience laughs)

Hermione: You should so a little more respect to us, Umbridge after the way you treated us, we're still here to help you!

Ron: I'm just in it for the money.

(Everyone else nods)

Malfoy: You a horrible woman and we know you killed your husband!

Umbridge, sitting up: No I didn't!

(Chad comes out of nowhere)

Chad: Yes you did, you bitch!

(Pause)

Umbridge: Who the hell are you?

Chad: Um…

Lupin: Chad, go back to Hogwarts please.

Chad: Okay.

(He walks out but stops)

Chad: Hey, is our class gonna defend anybody this year?

Lupin: Yeah, next term we're defending Charlie Sheen.

(Audience laughs)

Lupin: That is, if he isn't dead yet.

(Chad nods and walks out)

Cho: You were really becoming something after your little porn flick with those centaurs and you had to go and throw it all away!

(Umbridge stands up, furious)

Umbridge: I DIDN'T KILL HIM!

Harry: Yes you did!

Umbridge: YOU DISRESPECTING UMBRIDGE, POTTER?

Harry, angrily: YES I AM!

(Pause)

Umbridge: Oh….I'm not used to that kind of response.

(Audience laughs)

Lupin: Look, I know she's done some bad stuff to us in the past-

Jacob: Like fire you.

Ron: And working with Death Eaters.

Hermione: Destroying our school's system.

Neville: Trying to kill Dumbledore.

Harry: Trying to kill Harry freakin' Potter.

Cho: Threatening to rip my boobs off.

Lavender: Calling me a chubby little bitch.

Pavarti: Calling me a lesbian.

Lupin: No, that was me.

Pavarti: Oh, right.

Seamus: Beating up Firenze.

Umbridge, pointing: I made up for that one with sex and saving their race from extinction.

Dean: Oh, and making me magically cut my hand open with a quill and a piece of paper.

(Pause)

Cho: When did that happen?

Dean: Um…when she was Headmistress, you know.

Harry: All that and MORE.

Everyone else: Yeah.

(Pause)

Umbridge: Oh my God…..I am a bitch. I am a bitch! But I can change, kids. I swear to God! I will do my best to do my duty to God and my country and to obey the law, to help other people at all times. To keep myself physically strong, mentally awake, and morally straight!

(Audience claps)

Malfoy: Why did you just recite the Boy Scout Law?

Umbridge: I couldn't think of anything else!

Lupin: Well, guys. I think we can forgive her, right?

Others: No.

(Pause)

Lupin: You all get paid if you do a really good job, remember?

(Everyone says things like "Oh, yeah, we can forgive her." "Sure, why not?" "Time to move on." Etc. etc.)

Lupin: Now, Umbridge. Let's try this again. Where were you the day you husband was killed?

Umbridge: I have an excellent answer to that question, Remus….but I cannot tell you.

Lupin, irritated: Oh, for God's sakes, Umbridge! Why not?

Umbridge, childishly: It's too embarrassing!

Jacob: Oh, were you buying "How to pick up a man" books or something? That can be embarrassing.

Umbridge: No! It was nothing like that….it was a….procedure.

(They all look at her chest)

Ron: Umbridge….why do your boobs look less manish?

(They all look at her with "Oh, you didn't!" looks on their faces)

Harry: Oh, please say it isn't true.

Umbridge: Fine! I GOT BOOBY INPLANTS!

(Dementor comes in)

Dementor: I'm sorry, what?

Umbridge: Um, never mind.

Dementor: Visiting hour are over, kids.

Lupin: Alright, gang. Let's head back to Hogwarts. We'll meet with Umbridge tomorrow afternoon.

(Commercial break)

NEW EPISODES OF "TWO AND A HALF MEN", "THE BIG BANG THEORY", "CSI:CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION", AND "CRIMINAL MINDS" ALL ON CBS!

"A VERY POTTER SITCOM" IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY REDVINES!

(We return to see Severus Snape standing, ready to make an announcement)

Snape: Attention all Hogwartians! Today is the trial of Dolores Jane Umbridge. And…I know Hogwarts is representing her, but it's gonna be a lot of fun to watch her go down. Where's the TV, I'm gonna go watch.

(He skips off with a large grin on his face)

(Jazzy song begins as the curtain rises and we see a large courtroom)

(Arthur Weasley played by Nick Lang walks in front of the courtroom)

Arthur in his funny voice: And now I would like to present the judge of today's case. Here he is, the crazy one, the one who would see to the death of all dark magic! The ex. Head of the Wizard Cops! His honor, presiding today, the one….the only, thank God, BARTY CROUCH!

(Crouch stands up from behind the tall desk wearing a grey set of robes/suit played by Tyler Brunsman with a frown and depressed look, a Hitler mustache and short cut black hair)

Crouch, singing: You look on me like I'm nothing but spew!

Hermione: Hey!

Crouch: An old, ugly fart. Nothing special or new. But I assure you, that I can do….anything.

Backup Ministry workers: Anything.

Crouch: I have succeeded in business without really trying. But I did have stress. And my people are dying.

Workers: People are dying.

(Moves down from desk and walks around, dancing strangely with weird unenthusiastic jazz hands)

Crouch: But prosecution and working the institution are what I do best! I am strong, smart and great! I don't care for being late. Always on time, the world is mine! I am totally on top of things. I have expensive stuff like golden strings (swings a golden string around) oh, God what I could do with some f**king wings! I am Crouch, the business man! Smart and strong! I do what I can. If you think I'm not your guy, then you can just go crawl in a hole and die!

Workers: Oh, yes. Go to the hole and DIE….

Crouch: I know just about everything! I am smart with a fancy bling! I may not be hot, may not be new. But there's a lot, I know I can do! Just give me a shot, a leap of faith! All the criminals will be caught and the Wizarding World will be SAFE! For I am Crouch… (Beat) The….. (Beat)….business…. (Beat)….*long finishing note* MAAAAAAAAANNNNNN!

(Finish)

(Audience cheers)

Crouch: Very well. That was fun. Let's get started, shall we?

(We see the group sitting with Umbridge)

Harry: Now, remember the story that we all agreed on.

Umbridge: Right. It wasn't surgery on my boobs….

Others: Right.

Umbridge: It was surgery on my ass.

Lupin: No, we agreed that it would be less embarrassing to be on your arm and that you wer-

Umbridge: It was on my ass!

Lupin, scared: Okay.

Crouch: Okay. Let's beg-

(Bangs the hammer once on the desk and the hammer breaks in half)

Crouch: -in- oh, s**t.

(Pulls out his wand and points at the hammer for a second and then points it in the opposite direction)

Crouch: Accio hammer #7.

(A hammer flies out and lands in his right hand as he throws the other one away and puts away his wand)

Crouch: Now, let's begin.

(Bangs hammer and it too breaks)

Crouch: Oh! What the he- you know what. Forget it. I'll just bang with my hand. Let's begin!

(Bangs his hand and yelps in pain)

Crouch: ARGH! That's a really f**king hard desk! Oh s**t!

(Begins to walk out of the courtroom)

Crouch's voice as he leaves: Somebody get the f***ing nurse! Oh, MOTHER F**K!

(They all look in his direction and then at the desk as Arthur)

Arthur: Okay, I guess it's my job now. Let's begin.

(Raises his hand to bang but stops and hesitates)

Arthur: Um….er…bang. Alright, here we go! (Laughs and retrieves some files)

Voice, offstage: Did I miss this important trial?

(Rita Skeeter walks in with her parchment and quill as usual and the audience cheers loudly)

Harry: What do YOU want, Skeeter?

Rita: Oh, I'm just here as an observer. Nothing bad. No, nothing bad at all.

(See's Umbridge)

Rita: Why, dear readers, if it isn't the big bad bitch herself?

(Umbridge rolls her eyes)

Rita: So, my dear. Is it true you really killed your husband with a rather extensive Sectum Sempra curse?

Lupin: No, it WAS her wand but we suspect someone else in the house used it before Umbridge came home.

Arthur: Well, why was it at home? That's right, we actually already started.

Umbridge: I left it there.

(Others nod)

Umbridge: I don't like to take my wands to my ass surgery.

(Others groan)

Umbridge: Oh! I mean my boob surgery! Oh, wait. That was the one we wanted to hide. *Undertone* S**t!

(Rest of the courtroom stares at her)

Arthur: Um, alright. The first witness to the stand!

Runcorn, played by Jim Povolo: Yes, your honor. I call Nikos Argitakos to the stand.

Umbridge: Our pool boy?

(The actor of Fez from "That 70's Show" walks in and the audience cheers)

Nikos: Yes, I am here to speak.

Runcorn: Please sit on the stand random foreigner.

(Nikos sits, putting his feet up and looking casual)

Runcorn: Mr. Architacos…what was your relationship with Ms. Umbridge?

Nikos, slightly dramatically: Why…..we were lovers.

(The others gasp)

(The group leans in)

Harry: Well, is it true?

Umbridge: No! I mean, well, I liked to watch him work in that tiny speedo he was required to wear by my demands, but that was it.

Seamus: Why is this so bad?

Lupin: Don't you get it? That's motive!

Arthur: Any day now….

Hermione: Um…..I request a very short half hour recess.

Arthur: Granted. I need my coffee. Bang!

(Scene change to Hermione running up to Cho outside courtroom)

Hermione: Cho! You now that incredibly sexy hair flip thing you do?

Cho: Oh, (she does it, giggling) yeah…

Hermione: Okay. He wouldn't be able to resist you if I was wrong. Come with me.

(She pulls her near Nikos who is leaning up against a wall, looking calm and casual)

Hermione: Impress him.

Cho: Got it. One bonerized man coming right up!

(She walks up to him and does the hair flip)

(He barely notices her)

(She does it again, more flushed than usual)

(He rolls his eyes)

(She looks hurt and begins to show a bit of upper leg)

(He still does nothing)

(Cho walks over to Hermione)

Cho: I don't understand! I'm supermeganfoxyawesomehot!

(Audience laughs)

Cho: I mean…how? What? Why? What is with him?

(Hermione grins)

Hermione: He's gay.

(Cho's mouth widens)

Cho: Oh, my Gosh. That's perfect!

(They excitedly high five and run back to the courtroom as a school bell rings)

Nikos: Well, looks like recess is over.

(He walks away)

(Commercial Break)

(We return to see Hermione and Cho talking to the group as quite, bouncy kind of music plays, building up as we go along)

Lupin: So THAT's what we're gonna use? He wasn't turned on by our school slut- no offense, Cho.

Cho: None taken.

Hermione: No, sure. Look, he's on the stand again. Trust me, I'm SURE that he's gay.

Umbridge: And that would prove I wasn't cheating on my husband.

Ron: That is, unless everyone thinks you're a guy.

Umbridge: Shut up.

Hermione: I'm positive, sir.

Lupin: No, I need REAL proof! I mean, how do you REALLY know that he's gay?

(Song picks up very fast)

Hermione, singing very fast: There! Right There! Look at that tan and well-kept skin! Look at that slightly stubbly chin, oh please, he's gay. Totally Gay!

Lupin: I'm not about to celebrate. Every trait could indicate the totally straight expatriate. This guy's not gay, I say not gay.

Rest of group: That is the elephant in the room. Well, is it relevant to assume that a man who wear perfume is automatically, radically fey?

Jacob: But look at his coiffed and crispy locks.

(Zoom on Nikos' legs)

Hermione: Look at those silk translucent socks.

(Back to normal view)

Lupin: There's the eternal paradox. Look what we're seeing.

Hermione: What are we seeing?

Lupin: Is he GAAAYY-

Hermione: Of course he's gay!

Lupin: Or other than British, European?

(BEAT!)

(Pause)

Group: Ohhhh…..

(Beat*3)

Group: Gay or European? It's hard to guarantee? Is he Gay or European?

Jacob: Well, hey. Don't look at me.

Rita: You see, they bring their boys up different in those charming foreign ports. They play peculiar sports-

Others: In shinny shirts and tiny shorts. (BEAT) Gay or foreign fella? The answer could take weeks. They will say things like "ciao bella" while they kiss you on both cheeks.

Hermione: Oh please.

Others: Gay European? So many shades of gray!

Ron: Depending on the time of day, the French go either way!

All: Is he Gay or European?

Pavarti: There! Right There! Look at the condescending smirk. Seen it on every guy at work! That is a metro, hetero jerk! This guy's not gay, I say no way!

All: That is the elephant in the room. Well, is it relevant to presume that a hottie in that costume

Cho: Is automatically-radically

Lupin: Ironically-chronically

Hermione: Certainly pertin'tly

Ron: Genetically-medically

(They see him seemingly hitting on a guard)

All: GAY! OFFICIALLY GAY! OFFICIALLY GAY, GAY, GAY, GA-

(He kisses the hand of a pretty lady and charms her)

All: DAMN IT!

All: Gay or European?

Seamus: So stylish and relaxed.

All: Is he Gay or European?

Neville: I think his chest is waxed!

Rita: But they bring their boys up different there, it's culturally diverse. It's not a fashion curse-

All: If he wears a kilt or bears a purse. Gay or just exotic? I still can't crack the code.

Malfoy, strutting comically and falling and rolling: Yes, his accent is hypnotic but his shoes are pointy toed.

All: Huh.

All: Gay or European? So many shades of gray!

Umbridge: But if he turns out straight, I'm free at Eight on Saturday!

All: Is he Gay or European? Gay or European? GAY OR EURO-

Harry: Wait a minute! Give me a chance to crack this guy. I have an idea I'd like to try.

Lupin: The floor is yours.

(Harry walks in front of Nikos who hasn't heard a word of the student's song)

Harry: So, Mister Argitakos….this alleged affair with Ms. Umbridge has been going on for….?

Nikos: Two years.

Harry: And your first name again is….?

Nikos: Nikos.

Harry: Name of boyfriend?

Nikos: Carlos.

Group: AHA!

Nikos, looking terrified: I'm sorry! I misunderstand! You say boyfriend, I thought you say best friend. Carlos is my best friend.

(A good looking guy in a leather jacket and tan skin jumps on)

Carlos: You bastard! (BEAT) You lying bastard! (BEAT) That's it! I no cover for you no more! Peoples! Listen up! I have a big announcement!

(Song picks up)

Carlos: This man is gay AND European!

Entire group: WHOA!

Carlos: No matter what he says! You've got to stop your being a completely closet case! Even the rest of them can see it, no matter what you say! I swear he never ever ever swing the other way. You are so gay, you big parfait! You flaming boy band cabaret.

Nikos: I'M STRAIGHT!

(Carlos pats his head)

Carlos: You were not yesterday. So if I may, I'm proud to say….HE'S GAAAAYY!

All, jumping: AND EUROPEAN!

Carlos: HE'S GAAAYY!

All, jumping: AND EUROPEAN!

Carlos: HE'S GGAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

All: And European and Gay!

Nikos: Fine, okay! I'M GAY!

(He jumps into Carlos's arms and the kiss each other on the lips)

All: HOORAAAYYYYY!

(Finish)

(Commercial break)

ONE WEEK LATER

(We return to see them all in the courtroom, waiting)

Runcorn: Despite the evidence presented by Umbridge, there is still much more evidence to prove that she murdered her husband!

(They gasp)

Umbridge: I DIDN'T KILL HIM! I COULD NEVER HURT A FLY!

(Smashes hand on table and yells loud)

Lupin: What was that for?

Umbridge, angrily: I killed a fly.

Hermione: Look, we are NOT giving up! We know that there is more evidence and we request another three days!

Arthur, smiling: GRANTED! BANG!

Juror: Oh, does jury duty NEVER end?

Umbridge as guards close in: FINE! BUT I'M RUNNING! AND….TAKING THESE TWO WITH ME! 'CAUSE YOU'RE ALL GONNA GET WHIPPED INTO SHAPE! THE UMBRIDGE WAY!

(She grabs Harry and Ron and runs with them out of the courtroom)

Umbridge's voice: DER DER DER DO! DER AHH! DE ARRHH! DER DER! ARRHA!

(We see her run by the windows, dragging Harry and Ron behind her)

Umbridge's voice: DER DER DER DO! DER AHH! DE ARRHH! DER DER! ARRHA!

(Long pause)

Arthur, smiling: Well, that went well! See you all tomorrow! So silly! BANG!

(Abrupt black screen ending)

(Roll and credits)