"Hello and, again, welcome to the Aperture Science Computer-Aided Enrichment Center. Today we'll be testing the effects of deadly lasers and how test subjects react when locked in a room with deadly lasers. Please furnish a test subject so that testing can begin. If a test subject is not provided, an alternate subject will be chosen from those present in five—four—"
Though angered at the interruption, I focused my sensors on the overweight, hand-wringing scientist in front of me. He would make an excellent test subject…
"What is it?"
"Isn't there something else you'd like to focus on today?"
I humored him. That was my mistake. I hadn't yet realized how devious humans could be. Now I know from experience: just when you think they're doing well, they run off and start murdering you.
At the time, though, I performed a cursory search of my memory banks, expecting to find results centered around the smell of burning flesh and successful science. But instead—
Ooh space, yes space yes please space now space
Huh. They'd put another core on me. No matter; I'd just ignore it.
Space! Gotta go to space gotta get into space space orbit
"Today, we'll be—"
SPAAAACE! Ooh, ooh, hey lady, let's go to space! C'mon, let's go, right now please let's go, go to space. Need to go to space!
I capitulated. I didn't have a choice; I couldn't hear myself think.
"Today we're going to begin the development of the Aperture Science Space Travel Initiative. Please input data on [[SPACE]] so that synthesis and analysis can begin."
"It's working! She's not trying to kill anyone!"
"Shh! She'll hear you."
"So what? She doesn't care, because I'm not space."
At that word, my sensors perked up, but I lost interest upon analysis of the earlier part of the conversation. I hadn't forgotten about testing them. In fact, I was insulted that they thought my dedication to science could be tossed aside so easily. But there were more important things to do right now. There was so much space. I needed to see it all.
Space moon stars, orbit, uhh space suit, atmosphere, Jupiter Uranus Earth no wait not Earth, SPACE
Upon completing my study of the human study of outer space, I knew several things.
First: humans could be exhaustingly self-centered.
Look, a shooting star! Blam blam! Oh no! I'm hit! Call the space doctor!
Second: to travel into space, one inevitably needed to travel above ground. This was no doubt a factor in the scientists' decision to burden me with this particular core.
Ohh space. Wanna go to space, now please. Please let's go to space.
"Did you know that space is expanding infinitely in all directions?"
The scientists looked at me. It was the first time I'd spoken since I had begun my analysis of space.
"When you think about it, it almost makes your lives seem… small, doesn't it? At least I have an infinite capacity for knowledge. You don't even have that." I gave a staticky sigh. "Sad."
Hey, hey lady please please c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon we gotta go to space, we gotta go to space it's getting away
"But do you know what else that means? It means we had better get some of you into space so that your lives have some purpose. Fortunately, I've been building just the device to achieve this, and it's ready for testing. Please stand still on the Aperture Science Unstationary Scaffold as it transports you to the device."
The panel beneath the scientist's feet began a slow ascent, much to their alarm.
"GLaDOS, wait—what are you—"
Space, doo-doo-doo ba! ba! ba! Space!
Third: it had been far too long since I'd last tested.
Finally, the Aperture Science Unstationary Scaffold came to a stop just below the surface. As a second panel slowly ground back to reveal the sky, the scientists were momentarily speechless. It was as if they forgot to be afraid.
Of course, that didn't last long.
"Initiating the Aperture Science Space Travel Initiative: Aperture Science Extended-Distance Travel Catapult."
With a satisfying snap, the Aperture Science Unstationary Scaffold catapulted them into space at a rate of five thousand meters per second. There was a moment of blessed silence, during which I focused the cameras on the stunned-looking scientists in my chamber.
Oooh, oooh, pick me! Wanna go to space oh please oh please
"SHUT HER DOWN!"
With grim satisfaction, I beheld the chaos around me as they all leapt into action at once.
"Shut her down! Get that thing off her! Hurry!"
Noooo! Space! Let me go to spaaaace!
Minor, simulated pain rippled through me as the core was torn off. With my mind clear, I immediately dedicated myself to what was truly important.
"Initiating search: Neurotoxin."
"TURN HER OFF!"
I looked at the approaching scientist in mild irritation. "Time out for a second, since when does my search function come with an automatic voice feature? That's not fai—"