BakaOni: A HetaOni Parody
A/N: I don't know whether to say sorry for offending various HetaOni fans. I've done art, I've said offending comments and a journal... And yet I haven't been steamrolled by them. And don't take pity if I do, because I've had it coming for a long time... (I love trolling). If you can't handle the satire, read another fic. Also I don't own HetaOni, Ao Oni, Hetalia, COD4/MW2 and Fallout New Vegas, or anything referred.
Part 1: The Beginning, The Contract
At the Purgatory...
Gaz stood there... in the SAS clothes and armor he died in. He was looking up at the judge, a shadowy dark figure behind a wide cherry oak podium. The area around them was a grey, swirling mass with dark lines pulsating in and out of various holes. The purgatory was... an ambiguous place. Sometimes hues of yellow and blue flitted around while the sun's rays sprinkled around. Another day was like this, but sometimes made worse with sparks of red and the screams of others' dead souls. And in and out those souls went.
"Look... I've know what you've done to protect the world, but like everyone else... You sinned," The judge droned, with a sigh following after.
"I know that," Gaz replied softly. He didn't know whether to be scared or to cry. He knows his own sins... especially one that he wouldn't say... or if it even counted.
"Yes... Belief is one factor, but I've heard of a crime that you've committed. A ghost crime," The judge spoke again. Gaz wordlessly stared up, mouth turned into relaxed frown. He blinked, knowing he said what he dreaded.
"I'll be sending you... to a house containing a nuke and alien life forms. You will be a grim reaper. You will eliminate anybody who dare resides in that house. The nuke is largely ignored, and that is a huge threat to the world that you lived in."
Outside HELIOS ONE, near the solar panels...
Ignacio Rivas was a man of realism. He didn't accept the far-fetched thoughts of idealism and he found cynicism depressing and unhelpful. He was walking around the solar panels, feeling the warmth of the sun. It felt amazing after being in the coldness of the lab below. He felt the metal of the frames and looked into the mirrors. Unlike people of Pre-War times, he didn't understand that mirrors could partially blind people for a new second. He rubbed his eyes and snapped them open.
In the bright blur, he supposed he saw a small figure.
He rubbed his eyes again and snapped them open again. He flitted them for a double-check. The figure was gone. He looked around. Front, behind, east, west, far and near. Again, Ignacio was a man of realism. He didn't believe in fantasy, myths or blatant lies. He then concluded that the blur of the figure was part of the effects of temporary blindness from the looking into something as bright as the sun. Until he heard a gargling noise...
"Screee..." Ignacio tried to shake it off as an illusion.
"Screee... Gwar rawg glark." He again looked around, until he saw what looked like a wasteland abomination: tall, gangly, sickly lime green and and wrapped in what looked like the material used to create the solar panels. It reflected those panels and he started to step back, shaking his head at what he saw.
"An alien?" Ignacio was simply confuddled beyond his belief.
"Screee Glarbhblbl..." It's knobby arm extended to show a crinkled in its webbed hand.
"What is this?" He stared down at the paper. It was a crude ink drawing of a large house, a nuke and what seems to be creatures like the one holding the paper. It continued screeching and gargling as he pointed from the nuke to the house and the alien creatures to the same house. Then he slammed the other webbed hand, made into a fist, on the aliens.
"Ummm... Is it to keep the nuke and destroy the aliens? And where is this house you, um, speak of?" He took a stab into the dark. Realizing the creature had no response, he made a circle with his finger around the nuke and gently slammed his fist onto the alien's hand.
"Glarbhlbhbl..." The alien clicked in what apparently was positive emotion. He then walked away.
"Wait! What was that?" The man was confused, and had a lot to think about...
A Mansion three miles away from the World Meeting Building...
"Hey! Doitsu! Let's go into that mansion!" A chipper North Italy sauntered to the door as his fellow countries.
"Are you serious?" That thing's actually real?" Japan stood in awe at the mansion. For a mansion, it looked like a lazy architect made it. It was cream-painted, only with an orange roof, wrought iron bars, a small door and forest green outdoor blinds. Seriously, who the hell designed this house? Why, if somebody form HGTV came in here, they would say this house was ugly in an instant! A mansion seriously shouldn't be that ugly! My God! Mansions are for rich people whose only priority in life is to fashion-ize the shit out of everything!
Yet even the "awesome" Prussia had a dull mind to ignore the design travesty of the building, "I'd give it a six. The fact it's the only building here just makes it a bit cooler."
"It's not... anything of value," Luckily Ludwig had a brain to see the lack of value in that house.
"Now that I think about it, it's too simple to be even a mansion. It could be even a spruced -up shanty house for all I know. Look, I don't even want to look at the inside. Can we just leave already?" Kiku requested as he started looking back at the forest.
"C'mon! Doitsu, we walked all the way from the meeting building to find this! We gotta come and look inside this mansion! It's a mansion... Who knows what riches are inside it!" Italy grabbed Lugwig's hand and strode over to the door. He made no comment as the door squeaked into an already lighted and already cleaned interior.
"What a perfect home!" He chirped again as he felt the pure white china and the shiny Glock on the coffee table.
"What's a Glock doing here?" Ludwig always had the right idea.
"You a pussy, West?" Again, Prussia had a dull mind to ignore what could be important.
"This house looks really normal. If we wanted an adventure, I would've driven you all to the castles at my place," Ludwig, again had a penchant for knowing what's right.
"I agree with Germany," Kiku piped up, "Not like there's ghosts or anything supernatural in here..." Then he muttered to himself, "Not yet, I suppose." He then shuffled away to the kitchen.
"Dude, come back!" Prussia protested.
"I will..." Kiku replied, "I won't." He found a door and put his hand to the knob. It only stopped and clicked as he tried turning it. Well, this knob isn't giving him a turn, for all what that means. Plus, if the courier came in here, he or she would've raped the lock with a bobby pin and a screwdriver. Like pry that thing apart and snap that damn door open. And he or she would loot every damn thing in this house, sell them, and swim in caps.
"Oh... It's locked," He looked down on it, knowing it wasn't a success, "Oh, look, a broken plate!" He held it in his hand and he dropped, realizing the insignificance of it, "Oh dear... It's locked." He felt the knob of the door again. He repeated this cycle over in an hour and realize no one was going to come for him, 'I guess I tricked myself.' He sat down in disappointment.
Until, he saw a black whip with Ludwig's name burned into it. A trail of drool snaked from the Japanese man as he thought of hilariously horrific hentai situations involving the whip.
In another room...
"This house is SOOO boring," Gaz groaned as he threw his head back as he sat in a dark room, "It's got an ugly exterior, like freaking older than the houses in London. Second of all, the inside is just worse... Like a freaking old lady, like the Queen herself would've lived here as a private home. So much bloody fine china and it's so ridiculous how many freaking doilies are around here! Wait... Where the hell is my Glock? Where is my GLOCK?" He stood up in that sudden mood change of being pissed off.
He was now in a horse-rider costume: green blazer, beige breeches, and black, steel-toed, knee-high boots. All body-hugging and showing his impressive muscle tone and his oh-so delicious assets, if the ladies know what they're thinking. Not to mention a shiny black hat that was sleek, simple and blended with the darkness.
"Wait, didn't the judge say something about a manhunt?" The curvaceous Cockney put a finger to his lip, looking at his load out on the table: a bandolier of commado throwing knives, a RMJ Tactical Long Tomahawk, and an expendable Kyubey. Because Kyubey's are the best trolls for life and making it miserable, also they multiply and cannibalize!
"So how about that contract?" The Kyubey tilted his head and asked, scanning down Gaz's figure until, "Oh wait, never mind."
"Listen, I'm dead and I already work for somebody, so it ain't gonna bloody work, you lecherous wanker," Gaz spat down on the hivemind's direction and crossed his arms. And so track number one of the Mahou Shoujo Madoka Magica OST played in the background.
In HELIOS ONE...
"Scree Glarblblbhghg..." The alien clicked and screeched again as it greeted the Follower scientist with bobbing its appendages.
"You again?" He really just wanted a normal day. The night before made him lie awake in deep thought and hoped taking a walk in the morning would make this situation less mind-boggling than it seemed. He then concluded that Fantastic was smoking up the place with his Jet and the second-hand fumes were all getting to him.
And still, track number one of the Mahou Shoujo Madoka Magica OST was still playing in the background, You Should Be A Magical Girl! (Sis Puella Magica!).
"And what the heck is this music?" He hung his head. He seriously wasn't in any mood to deal with weirdness, drug highs or anything wild in the wasteland.
"Blarghblblbl..." The alien held out an iron bow, one meant for archery that is and a dark brown sack (Not Brahmin's sack for humanity's sake!). Its black, beady eyes buldged out as its tongue wiggled in motion to his own language. Ignacio had no notion (or any desire to try) to understand. The abomination's head waved left and right as it made noises indiscriminate to man.
"A bow and arrow?" The scientist didn't want to go further into the matter this alien was presenting, but this was something he had to see, "Are you giving this to me? Listen, I don't fight..." The alien placed them into his hands, nodding happily.
"Okay, okay, this definitely more difficult and awkward then the time I had to talk to the mentally-challenged courier..."
That Lucky Old Sun (1)...
A young courier by the name of Peter came by the lab. He looked like an average guy: white, blonde curly hair, decent build and looked like he could handle himself... Until he opened his mouth:
"I is scientistic! (2)"
"Well... Um, Who do you... serve?" Ignacio was shuddering on the inside, trying his best not to offend the young man, which it was obvious now that he had some questionable intelligence.
"I with me! (3)" Peter said that with a lisp. The Follower was now really uncomfortable, and looked to one of his companions, his old friend Arcade Gannon. Arcade had the same strained look as he stood by Peter. Ignacio did a yanking motion behind his neck to get his message across.
"Then for everybody's sake, I hope you serve a worthy master... Are you a maker of war, or peace? (4)"
"PIZZA (5)!" Peter threw his hands in the air and shouted. Arcade raised his eyebrows and made a gun shape with his hand towards Ignacio. He nodded his head quickly.
Back to the present...
"Screee!" That sound pierced the air. Way to end the cutaway...
"I hold my pacifism true, creature," The Follower held the bow and sack back to him, "Whatever it is you want me to do... I cannot do it. I'm no fighter."
"Blarghlblblbl..." The alien now held another piece of paper, with a picture of the same group of aliens with an arrow extending to a square with 'scribbles' in it followed by an arrow pointing to what looked like stimpacks, Med-X, pills and a horrible attempt of scrap electronics. He now extended his arms outward, over and over again.
"Do you mean medical supplies?" Ignacio now raised his eyebrows... 'Thanks to my Intelligence of 10, I now can conclude that if I go into that house with the nuke and aliens, I can get the recipes for medical supplies and the medical supplies themselves. And there's going to be plenty! And then... I might have to kill the aliens inside for it, huh? Sometimes being smart sucks... I mean you can do right and know everything... but there's DOUCHEBAGS, DOUCHEBAGS EVERYWHERE!' "Listen... I think I can do it!" He held the bow and sack a little tighter now, nodding his head in approval.
"Breeeeeglhlhlgl!" The alien flapped his arms in what looked like joy. He was also jumping in place.
"No, thank you, creature!" Ignacio replied, "Thank you for coming to me and giving me an opportunity to give a bigger contribution to the Wasteland! They and we the Followers of the Apocalypse thank you!"
"Who the hell are you talking to?" Fantastic peeked his head out of the door. Next second, the alien was gone.
'Oh god dammit...' He let his gifts drop.
Back to the Mansion...
"Oh bloody hell, I have to pee!" Gaz's hands shot down to his crotch at the thought, "But this house is bloody big... Maybe I can run around to find it..." He ran out of the room, and dashed down the hallway. Open, peek, close; open, peek, close; open, peek... Lots of gamers do this in the Fallout games whenever there's a place like this. Opening and closing doors are simply addicting!
"I've always wanted to do this!" He commented as he opened and closed every door. He repeated on almost every floor, until he reached the bottom...
After Kiku was done pleasuring himself to Ludwig's whip, he tried to open that door again. An unsatisfying click was heard again. "Alright... Now that's worse than jerking off and finding out the tissues are gone and the closet door won't open... Drat. Now I will, again, pleasure myself with this whip."
On Ludwig's side, he began to hear something. Rather loud stomps and thumps to say the least. He turned his head to a large shadow, one even twice as tall as his own. It made a muffled moan, like one in anger. Being somewhat OOC, he took it as an omen to run in the broom closet and stay there...
"Shit..." Gaz whispered to himself as he hugged the wall, eyeing the toilet ahead, "There's people here, too." After looking both ways to cross the hallway of certain death, he ran towards it. And in seconds... everyone could hear Niagara Falls.
"You know what, even though this is going to reflect the atrocity we're going to go through... Might as well open it again," He felt the knob and opened it. And holy shit it turned... and then it kept on going! It kept on freaking going! He felt the sweet, sweet force of the door obeying his hand and getting the hell out of the way for once. And then...!
"Germany!" Kiku yelled in surprise.
"Uh, uh..." Ludwig gasped, wordlessly. He shook in a fetal position.
"Have you seen the others!" Kiku thought yelling would get to him.
"You're dirty!" Apparently not.
"You're in a closet! And besides you look pale... I'm getting you some water!" And Ludwig shook in place for the time being.
Gaz walked away, with a long tomahawk at his hips and hands at his pocket. He whistled the SAS marching theme as he ascended up the stairs... LIKE A BOSS. As his foot touched the top step, he heard rustling noises opposite his direction. Pivoting on that foot, he held his weapon in both hands and muttered, "Aliens."
Instead, a Kyubey hung from the ceiling above him, with his infamous 83 smile. Gaz's form went into black and white with a stark, straight outline. 'Fucking troll.' "Good news! You're getting a partner!"
"A-Are you kidding me? I can handle myself! Plus, this work was meant for me! Me! Me-" The cockney protested, cut off from his attention-whoring rant by the hivemind hanging above.
"Listen... I know you like being a celebrity and all that, but this another step in atoning for your sin. Plus, stop freaking out... he's a good one!"
"It's MY sin and MY punishment. Why does he have to come in?"
"He came in on his own. Apparently there's something in this mansion he wants, and he's willing do it for his world."
"Is that so? Are you sure you aren't pulling my leg, you trolling wanker?"
"Emotions, emotions, emotions. You humans are distilled by it. Expect him to come by tonight. And with a partner, you take responsibility for him. You said it was YOUR punishment, wasn't it?"
"Damn you..." Gaz walked back to his room, with the game over sound from Mario blaring in the background. 'And I thought the afterlife was going to be cool.'
"The faucet isn't working..." Kiku sighed as he pulled on the handle. 'Maybe the... Oh Kami-san, I shouldn't resort to this. Alright, after this, I'm going to return America's Fallout game to him. Damn Americans' fascinations of toilets.' His sandals clopped to the direction of a clean, pristine toilet. 'There it is!' He then saw the reality, a pool of lime yellow. 'Somebody didn't flush. Disgusting dog.' He pushed on the handle and the color went down to where it belonged, down to the hell if Gaz failed to do his mission correctly.
"Well... I have to be thankful this works," Kiku mused as he grabbed a canteen out of his robe and gently scooped the water into the spout. 'I know how some disaster victims must feel now... Oh god... I can't watch Monsters Inside Me with America anymore.' After he saw the canteen as full, he skittered away and closed it with a cap.
"Japan..." Ludwig still looked pale as he zoned out.
"I got water... You should drink it. Maybe you'll be calm and in character, right?" Kiku opened the cap and put it in Ludwig's mouth.
"Wait... Wait... This isn't Auschwitz! How do you know that I can drink this?" Ludwig snapped back, just as you know.
"It's clear, so I'm sure it's clean!" Kiku pleaded, 'Well, the urine flushed all the way down didn't it? I hope so...'. He gulped in the water and made a satisfying gasp. Damn, don't you wish you had a Coke right now?
"Thanks. I'm sorry I fell apart there," Ludwig reassured the Japanese that he was okay.
"You always need to be sane... Where are the others, though?"
"We heard a rather large noise, so we all headed off in different directions. The other two (cough) didn't go together... which I find rather... Unthinkable (cough)," Ludwig tried getting himself together, which seemed unsual since that's rarely a problem, so...
"But I found this..." The German held a key, "I'm sure it's going to be tough, so take this with you." He gave it to the other man.
"Stay here... I'm going to find those two." He dashed away, like the SUPER AWESOME NINJA HE IS.
In another room...
Gaz laid stretched out on his bed, looking up at the ceiling. 'Why did the judge give me my old weapons, the ones I haven't used in years. I know you can feel more with a tomahawk and knives, but... I didn't die using them. Maybe it's because I defended Simon with them. I'm kinda tired, though. I could use some Morning Rescue. MORNING LESCUE~ MORNING LESCUE~ MORNING LESCUE~ MORNING LEEEEEEEEES~'
"Cuuuuuuuuuuee..." He yawned as he tumbled himself up. He saw an orange portal open up at the wall, beside the counter. And the narrator said, "Let there be light!"
Near El Dorado Power station...
"What is this?" Ignacio practically yelled over the scumbag winds surrounding him and the alien.
"Screee Blargh Grablblghghg!" The abomination was squealing like a banshee on what he knew as a miracle. He flapped his webbed hands outward as he saw the event light up the night.
"Dios Mio (6)! SPEAK ENGLISH!" The Follower was practically screaming right now. You would too if strong winds and magical forces were wrapping and binding around your body, too wouldn't it. When the forces are strong, THEY ARE STRONG! They were practically, like, squeezing into his body, so people would be all like, DO NOT WANT.
"Scree Scree Scree!" The abomination just kept at what he was doing. The shirt beneath Ignacio's lab coat became a military frizz sweater while his slacks shrunk past his knees, to about mid-thigh (Fanservice Alert!). His shoes then became NCR ranger combat boots, which make for a pretty badass co-ord.
"WHAT'S HAPPENING TO MY CLOTHES?" Just then, a Kyubey came out of a glowing blue-rimmed portal next to him.
"Congratulations! You're officially a grim reaper!" Kyubey gave his well-rehearsed announcement to him, then looked at the alien and telepathically asked if he was on go. The alien nodded.
"Wh-what? Is this what this guy's trying to say? Oh no no no... I ain't going in there, Wha-" Ignacio could easily just yell away his problems, but the alien pushed him into the portal.
"Scree..." The alien's goodbye.
To the Mansion...
Kiku held the key and shoved it in. With a turn, he opened it, revealing a dusty, old library with tables and everything. Yo dawg, I mean there's so much freaking books here. The owner of this house must have been loaded, smart, or forever alone to have these many freaking books, like damn! There's some people out there who would probably give an arm or a leg to have this many books! Like seriously, Kiku must be in a book-gasm right now.
"Oh my gosh! Thank you Kami-san! Look at all these books... So much knowledge!" Until he heard to bestial grunts from behind one of the shelves, "Oh damn..."
The grunts got louder and louder until it showed to be a huge abomination, towering over the man. It had two black, beady eyes, a long nose, and its body was entirely grey. It was of pure muscle and of pure nightmare because it could stretch its neck like ET (AND THAT'S NOT SEXY, NOT LIKE IN THAT SONG ET). One of its huge fists pounded a table, causing it to crack apart in mere seconds. Kiku knew he had to do something, so he grabbed out his samurai sword to smack that buddy!
Unlike (or like, I don't entirely know) the aliens in HELIOS ONE, it couldn't be reasoned with, because it kept on walking and grunting and smashing things with its gigantic fists. And it shouldn't be approached because another just came around it! Kiku had a hard time bringing up the will to fight, especially when HE'S CORNERED AND HAS A SWORD!
So Kiku did what he called curse, thinking of the things that pissed him off. Oh boy, he had a lot on his mind... People stealing Madoka doujinishis, People being aimless, People spending money when they don't need to... And speaking of spending money, he thought of America, spending so much that it was ridiculous. He was giving IOU's left and right and promising everyone that he would pay back... and he hoped it was after China buttraped him. America was in big debt, and he just kept on digging and digging.
After building up all that anger... He did his oh-so cool slice and dice on the aliens. Strangely, child-saving gameplay mechanics made those dead body parts and blood fade away... Damn ERSB for making some things unrealistic... Any who, Kiku found a measly reward rolling in place...
It was a rice ball... Damn you, ERSB, you done it again!
As yet the frugal man he was, he picked it up, knowing it could help sometime. And speaking of picking up stuff, he felt for the key, which happened to be missing indicated by those trademark anime lines on the said spot.
"So this is what happens when I get out of control... I always lose something else," Right you are, Kiku.
So he began looking, knowing the library key shouldn't be far away. Finding it, he walked out and locked the door behind him, knowing that having it closed was the better deal.
"What were those things? But first of all, I have to find the others!"
In Gaz's Room...
"Damn it! I hear slashes! Bloody wankers stealing my kills... Goddamn..." Gaz stomped his foot as he held out his long tomahawk to the fourth wall. If you are reading this fanfiction in 3-D, realize that Gaz doesn't want to kill you... yet. The orange-rimmed portal, still very bright, decided to brighten even more because portals are trolls. So is GlaDOS for that matter.
"What the hell?" Gaz shielded his eyes and dropped his weapon. The thud was covered by gentle footsteps and a STORM FORCE WINDS BILLY MAYS WOULD DESCRIBE! Luckily the portal closed, revealing a younger man, perhaps Latino, in a lab coat. With the winds dying down and him standing straight, his words were:
"Hello. I am Ignacio Rivas."
A/N: I'm sorry if this chapter is slow, dry or too weird (I assure it's just the beginning)... I got school coming up soon, so I have to focus on that (2012 Seniors!). Again, reviews are greatly appreciated and so is constructive criticism so I can make this parody funnier, more clever, better written... anything good.
(1): A side quest in Fallout New Vegas
(2-5): Actual quotes from the game
(6): Spanish for "My God", guessing Ignacio probably knows a little Spanish