a/n:: so, rachel is an absolutely lovely person that you all should go and wish a happy birthday to (don't accept her gift of a rubber duck, though, you don't know where it's been). dimitri belongs to her (~lucky duck), jackie belongs to me and harry potter belongs to j.k. rowling.

jackie/dimitri- or, what happens when one wants to party and bullshit.

(I give that drunk sex spinning
Yeah I'm with you
So put your arms around me baby
We're tearing down the town
Cause that's just how we do)

"Aw, fucking hell, what is this wall doing here?"

-or, Jackie Jordan's first words as she woke up on a Saturday morning, feeling very naked, very hungover, and very squashed. Her eyes had opened to the sight of her peeling wallpaper (or rather, her brother's- she'd really have to talk to him about the upkeep of his apartment, seeing as he wasn't there eighty percent of the time). "And where the bloody fuck are my clothes?" she added as an afterthought, craning her neck to check that, indeed, she wasn't wearing any clothes of any sort.

"Fuck, it's early."

Jackie froze. What was that voice? She thought she might recognize it, but no- even she wouldn't- not a drunken hookup- not again.

"Alright, where's the tequila?"

There it was again, right next to her ear. Craning her neck, this time in the other direction, she attempted to twist around and confirm her suspicions. Yeah, it was true. Dimitri Coyne was lying in the bed next to her. "Shit," she voiced decisively, and this seemed to alert him to the fact that he was currently spooning with the tall, viciously swearing girl.

"Oh, hey Jacks, fancy another go?" He asked, finishing it with a wink, and she groaned.

"How are you both awake and sober enough to wink?" she asked, shoving him over so that she could lay down properly without his, er, morning wood pressing against her back. She watched him open his mouth, then decided she didn't really want to hear his answer to her rhetorical question. "Never mind." She groaned.

"Merlin, haven't heard that sound in nearly six hours," he said, grinning, and she slapped him (she wasn't exactly sure where, but she hoped it hurt).

"Shut it," she told him, frowning. "Ugh, this can't be happening. Not again."

"Again?" he asked, snaking his arm around to caress her stomach. "This has happened before? Funny, I feel like I'd remember that."

"No, not you," Jackie muttered impatiently, too annoyed by the situation to notice the way he was pulling her closer until- "DIM, I DON'T WANT YOUR DICK PRESSING INTO MY ASS, LET GO."

"Not me?" he asked, decidedly not letting go and instead whispering in her ear. "This is unexpected."

Ceasing her struggles for a moment, Jackie glared at him. "How is that unexpected?" She wasn't virginal, damn it- Elena had said it, Freddie had said it, now Dimitri was saying it, but she wasn't. "I'm not a thirteen year old, Dim."

"There are thirteen year olds who have sex, Jacks," he said quietly, and she rolled her eyes, taking advantage of his sudden sobriety to shove his hand off of her stomach and roll back onto her back.

"Oh, come off it, Dim, don't be ridic- you're actually serious," she said, finishing in a quiet tone that matched his. "I don't mean to pry, well, actually, that's complete shit, of course I mean to pry, but… who was it?"

It was a few moments before he replied, and Jackie found herself wondering if her blunt routine had gone too far, before- "Jude Price."

"Wow," was all she had to say on the matter, and that was probably a good thing. After all, her hatred for all Slytherins hadn't been much of a secret, and while she'd sort of mellowed out on that since graduating, Jude Price still wasn't one of her favorite people. Add that on to what had happened in their attempt at a relationship and she became Bitch #1. "Well, can't say I have much experience with losing it early, considering it took me until around nine months ago-" she regretted the phrasing, half-imagining a baby popping out of her vagina shouting 'surprise!' "-but if it helps at all, I was drunk? With mine, I mean."

"It doesn't really," he said, looking over at her and smirking. "But it's definitely good blackmail." He looked himself over, his grin widening. "This is too, come to think of it."

"Dim, I swear to Merlin, if you even think about spreading this around, I'll castrate you-"

-or, the words that Jackie Jordan spoke before she attempted to punch Dimitri Coyne in the balls, somehow managed to grope him and ended up in the same place the following morning.

/she denies that the last part happened, of course.