3DISCLAIMER: I do NOT own anything pertaining to the X-Men franchise. Duh. Also, I do NOT own Moves Like Jagger. Bigger duh.
A/N: This is a humorous one-shot that me and my brother, author Professor Noah here at Fanfiction, came up with while studying for a history quiz. Now, this takes place in what we're calling "AU Marvel House Party Extravaganza Timeline". Meaning: it's pure crack. This features everyone from all of the X-Men movies – which are X-Men, X2: X-Men United, X-Men 3: The Last Stand, X-Men Origins: Wolverine and X-Men: First Class – and a lot of Marvel superheroes at a huge house party. (Note: Charles and Erik are still young. Why? 'Cause I want 'em to! :P)
FYI, Sean narrates the story from a bystander's point of view.
Please enjoy this story and please review because this was written purely to bring a smile to your face (and mine).
~Ms. Unusual-in-Groovy-Ways
P.S. Please check out my bro's (Professor Noah) fanfiction while you're at it. He's super awesome and really needs feedback! :D
Moves Like Jagger
Wolverine sits on the chandelier with Kayla, making out.
Spider-Man and Thor tie Loki to toy train tracks and run him over with a model train.
Storm and Jean booty pop to a song.
Raven does a lap dance for Stryker and Sabretooth.
I learn what "hobknocker" means.
Captain America and Miss Marvel read this fanfiction.
Bradley and Agent Zero sing Girls Just Wanna Have Fun in the karaoke room.
Fred "Blob" Dukes is wearing a pink dress while "gangsta" rapping Best of Both Worlds.
Kitty kisses a girl.
Charles Francis "Professor X" Xavier poll dances for the second time in his life.
Alex roller skates around, butt naked, while singing I Believe I Can Fly.
Spyke and Pietro dance in hula skirts and coconut bras.
Pyro burns his pants off while playing Just Dance 2 with Bobby.
The Morlocks smile.
Angel teaches me how to Dougie.
Yup, just another party.
OH!
Just shoot for the stars
If it feels right
Then aim for my heart
If you feel like
And take me away
Make it OK
I swear I'll behave
The speakers of the Xavier Mansion blast with the sound of Maroon 5, people singing along, and of people stomping and trotting in a way they think is dancing. The X-Men, Brotherhood, and everyone in the Marvel universe scream along to the song, enjoying themselves fully as they party the night away. They do not even care that they're embarrassing themselves. They still continue to sing and dance – even Mr. Erik "Conservative" Lehnsherr who sings:
"You wanted control
So we waited
I put on a show
Now I make it
You say I'm a kid
My ego is big
I don't give a shit!"
He is currently on stage, doing his "Jagger" moves as Moira and Emma screech out encouragement. He sings and dances as if he's Elvis Presley incarnate, much to the ladies' delight. When they both simultaneously squeal "Shake it!", he turns around and sways his hips from side to side, earning a wolf whistle from Wade "Deadpool" Wilson and a "Damn!" from John Wraith.
"I wish I could dance like that," says the former sadly. "I don't have that talent. He has talent. Great talent. Maybe he could teach me. Do think he'd tea—"
"Shut up, Wade!" says John. "Ignore him. He ain't that good anyway."
"But he is!" Wade whines. "Look at him: smooth as goat's cheese."
"Don't mean 'smooth as silk' or 'butter' or 'velvet'?" John shoots him a weird look.
"No."
"O.K…Ooh, look! Wanda's chugging down whiskey! Go, go, go, go, go, go!"
It is true. In the middle of the massive ballroom, Wanda "Scarlet Witch" Maximoff – Erik's eighteen-year-old daughter - is drinking a huge bottle of whiskey without stopping, while the onlookers chant, "Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug!" She does, and after a second few seconds, she is completely done with her sixteenth bottle of Charles' special friend – I mean, whiskey.
"Anyone wants me to try another one?" she asks the room, her words slightly jumbled from all of the alcohol. They scream yes and, out of nowhere, Pietro "Quicksilver" Maximoff – Wanda's twin brother, who is still decked out in the coconut bra and hula skirt – comes running to her with another bottle of her favorite drink and some vodka.
"I bet you can't drink this and the vodka," he says cockily with a semi-drunk smirk on his face. He and Spyke have been drinking so dumb dares come with the territory.
"You're on!" she counters and soon she is taking turns drinking down her best friends – Mr. Whiskey Whiskers and Vodka von Trapp.
While little Wanda drinks herself dead, I'll show you the best part of the night. See, over there by the drink and snacks table is me - Sean "Banshee" Cassidy. You see, I'm never really considered as someone who is cool or awesome or hot by anyone, so I'm usually shy and keep to my weird self. But when I've been drinking or snorting something that's totally illegal, I come out. No, literally. I am so gay without the liking dudes part.
Right now I am booty popping and crunking - well, my way of doing it anyway - to the song. Although I, a scrawny, little ginger, look like I'm having an epileptic seizure, I'm really into it. But Scott "Cyclops" Summers isn't. He dances in place, slightly swaying to the catchy beat of the Maroon 5 song. Occasionally, he will bop his head to the side with a beat from the song, but nothing more. Nonetheless, he's partying with me - his polar opposite - while I screech:
"And it goes like this
Take me by the tongue
And I'll know you
Kiss me 'til you're drunk
And I'll show you
All the moves like Jagger
I've got the moves like Jagger
I've got the moves like Jagger
I don't need to try to control you
Look into my eyes
And I'll own you with them
Moves like Jagger
I've got the moves like Jagger
I've got the moves like Jagger"
"C'mon, Cyclops!" I say as I bang my head like I'm at a Fall Out Boy concert. "Loosen up! Have some fun!"
"Getting high is not fun, dude," he says smartly. He gives me a disapproving look, but I ignore it. I know he's not a bad guy; he's just very...to himself. But I don't roll like that. I guess it's my job to teach him a thing or two tonight, eh?
"Dude, even Hank's having fun!" I point to the other side of the room where Hank is. In truth, Hank is acting exactly like me - with the crunking, booty popping, head banging, and all.
Just as a side note, I want to tell you how weird that actually is. See, Hank is a mama's boy. He's a goody-two-shoes. He's a Scorpio. He's a kiss-ass. He's an eager beaver. He's a virgin. He's Mr. Follow the Rules. He's a total turtle, always hiding. Because I know all of this, I snuck a little something-something into his morning orange juice...and cereal...and lunch...and dinner...and in his sleep...and forced him to taste my "Definitely Not Pot Brownies". That's why he's spazzing out like, well, me.
"It's just not my thing, man."
I stop dead and stare at him. "Daddy-o, your wife, Little Miss Jean Perfect, is having fun. Storm, the dullest stick in the mud, is having fun. Professor X, the dude who was five hundred years old five minutes ago, is having fun! Live a little!"
He thinks it over a little, probably contemplating the pros and cons of living. (He takes forever, by the way. I can play the Final Jeopardy theme song three times as he thinks. *plays it again*) That's Scott for ya. He can never have fun. Always Mr. Responsible. But he wasn't always like that. He was a teenager with hormones and interests and stupid sudden urges. But he's lost that charm, you know? It's kind of like some random group of people re-wrote his personality for their own gain. I blame Logan. He is known for shit like that. Anyway, Scott looks at me with skeptical glare but then shrugs, saying "Screw it!" along the way.
Out of the blue sky (that might be a saying), he starts moving like a dying fish that was taken out of water.
"Yeah man!" I say, encouraging him. "That's how we do it! Go Scotty! Whoop-woo!" As I dance up against Scott - it was his idea, for your information! I just followed - I caught Hank's attention and motioned him over here. Once we were all here, we started to move like Jagger and epileptic fish. Best. Dance. Ever!
Maybe it's hard
When you feel like
You're broken and scarred
Nothing feels right
But when you're with me
I'll make you believe
That I've got the key
Oh
So get in the car
We can ride it
Wherever you want
Get inside it
And you want to steer
But I'm shifting gears
I'll take it from here
I think I've been talking too much about me. Let me show something super that is not about me. It's about my good friend Angel "Tempest" Salvadore.
O.K., she's a bitch. Like, a royal one! So when you and I, dear (hot) reader, start to see her laughing and smiling and hugging people, we know it's a miracle.
She is currently upstairs with Emma Frost Jr. - Emma Frost's youngest daughter and Scott's first girlfriend - and they are both playing Just Dance 2 with St. John "Pyro" Allerdyce and Bobby "Iceman" Drake. Sounds just like a normal party game to you guys, right? Well, at first it was. It began with them playing multi-player and battling out with their sweet dance moves. But then Pyro, the world's biggest sore loser who still owes me twenty bucks, realized he was losing brutally to a bunch of girls - and Angel - so he started to use his powers to throw off his competitors. So now, we have a girl spitting acid at her fellow dancers, a diamond girl punching an ice-covered man, and a jackass trying to melt the iceman.
"Ha! I'm winning," gloats Emma as she smiles at her one hundred percent on the "On Fire" meter.
"Oh yeah?" says Angel. She then "accidentally" bumps into Emma and knocks her down.
"Hey! Not cool, bitch!"
"'All is fair in love and war.'"
"Well, I don't love you and this is a video game, you creep." That earns Emma a kick in the stomach from Tempest. "Ouch! Stop that!"
"Shut up, you two," scolds Bobby. "I'm trying to beat St. John." (Just a note to you Yankees out there. If you are reading the name "St. John" as "Saint John," you're reading it wrong. It is pronounced "Sinjin". Or, at least, that's how the British do it.)
"But she kicked me!" whines Emma. She sits, cross-legged, and pouts like a little bitch - I mean, girl. Sorry, I just don't like her. She called me a "Weasley" and no-one calls me that! Even though I have no idea what it means.
"Yeah, and I just knee'd in the ice cubes by St. John," comments Bobby. "But you don't see me crying over it."
"Stop calling me 'St. John,' Robert!" complaines Pyro as he busts out his booty popping moves. (They are playing Hey Ya in the game.)
"Stop cheating then!"
Pyro pauses the game. "You wanna go there?"
"Maybe."
"Bri-"
"Dudes," pants an obviously exhausted Darwin as he runs into the room, "you gotta see this!" Before they leave, they give him an inquisitive - Yay, fancy word! - look before following him slowly. Armando "Darwin" Muñoz runs out of the room, the fight club in tow, towards the kitchen downstairs.
Now, before I describe the horrors that come after this moment in time, I want to tell you what Darwin was doing before he got Angel, Emma, Pyro, and Bobby. So, he and Alex are besties, right? They love each other and care for each other and would take a fucking bullet blah...blah...blah. But today, they fought over a girl. See, they both like Wanda - the girl who's still drinking whiskey until her liver cries "Bitch, stop!" - but they both can't have her. So they did the manliest, toughest, most despicable thing they could think of - they raced butt naked around the mansion for her heart.
Let me tell you this, my friend, so you get the full picture of this cruel act. It was the most horrifying I ever saw. And I've seen a lot of things. Including a pissed off Wolverine wearing... a...Tinkerbelle...outfit as he walks by me? Did you just see that? Wow, that's scary. Ugh. Wait, back to the story! Anyways, Alex may have a cute ass when he borrows my pants - purple skinny jeans on a jerk looks as good as it does on a ginger stoner - but when he ain't wearing pants...dear God, it's anything but cute. The same goes Darwin. Except he's never borrows my pants. He's too "manly" for it, I guess. Whatever.
And it goes like this
Take me by the tongue
And I'll know you
Kiss me 'til you're drunk
And I'll show you
All the moves like Jagger
I've got the moves like Jagger
I've got the moves like Jagger
I don't need to try to control you
Look into my eyes
And I'll own you with them
Moves like Jagger
I've got the moves like Jagger
I've got the moves like Jagger
Darwin finally leads the troop into the small kitchen. Weirdly, it is crowded with a bunch of people dressed as circus people. (Don't ask me why, girlfriend! Ask that other dude who has enough time on his/her hands to read this piece of shit fanfiction.) So, they all break into the crowd with Darwin, stepping on my foot in the process. When they, at last, break through, they see the dumbest fight ever between a coconut bra wearing brother and his twin sister, the angry drunk girl.
Back story time! So, Erik was singing Livin' la Vida Loca to Moira and Emma Frost Sr. when he sees Gabriel "Vulcan" Summers and David "Legion" Haller-Xavier chasing his daughter, Wanda, around the ballroom. As big of a jerk as he is, he still loves, cares, and cherishes his baby girl so he angrily commanded the seventeen year olds to stop. They replied, saying that they only wanted to take away her bottle of whatever she was drinking at that time. Erik understood so he sent Legion to get Pietro, who was supposed to take away the bottle quickly. (Super speed is the only way to cure a drunk reality-warper from nursing her drink.)
But Quicksilver had trouble taking it away from her. Why you ask? Well, Wanda has a firm grip, she's stubborn, a drunk, and - um - a psycho! She held on to that thing as if her life would never be complete without it. She eventually ran into the kitchen and that is how we got here.
Right now, Wanda is punching, kicking, hitting, and biting for her beverage. Pietro is trying to get her to let it fucking go by using his super speed, but her powers are preventing him. Ouch! Right now, Wanda just tried to kick her own brother in the pants. O.K., Pietro has just lost it and is pulling her hair. Wait, he trying to fight while a bra and skirt. Good man. I know I can't even do that. Damn it, I wish you guys were here with me. Wait, what the fuck? Wanda just banged the bottle over Quicksilver's head!
"Justin!" she screams hysterically. (I guess she named it.) "You killed my baby, Pietro! You asshole!"
"You ripped off my bra!" he yells back. "That's not cool, sis. Not cool at all. Well, not totally bad 'cause the chicks got to see my guns." He flexes his arms a bit, as if the girls here would give him the time of day. "But still, no-one touches a dude's bra."
"No-one touches my alcohol!"
"Wait a sec, didn't Dad yell that same exact thing to Mom? Have you reduced me to being Mom?"
"Well, you are wearing a bra."
"At least I'm big enough to wear one. Your cup size is, like what? Minus A double zero?"
Wanda gasps at her brother's lousy attempt to insult her womanhood. But she stops and realizes what he said was stupid. "Wait, that made no sense!"
"I guess I'm smarter than you 'cause I understood something that made no sense."
"You're an idiot, dude," says Wanda as she punches Pietro in the arm.
"And you're a bitch," he replies with a smile.
"Wanna video tape Dad making a fool out of himself?"
"Duh! Race ya!" At that second, Quicksilver rushes out of the room using his super speed, followed by a far slower Wanda who's screaming, "No fair!" while laughing.
The crowd right now is a bit disappointed that there's no fight and murmur under their breath about what they should do next. Everyone loves a good brawl, especially between siblings that are twins, so no fight makes us bystanders sad. We decide to do our own damage. Hank, Scott, and I are just about to leave to go dancing when Deadpool hops on the kitchen island and says:
"Hey everybody, look at me! I'm gonna do a little show for ya!" He suddenly, shockingly, unexpectedly, surprisingly, abruptly, rapidly, out the blue-ly, all of the sudden-ly - you know what, any word and/or phrase that describes something that's sudden, I'll put it here 'cause randomly, Wade starts to sing Christina Aguilera's part in Moves Like Jagger.
"You wanna know
How to make me smile
Take control
Own me just for the night
And if I share my secret
You're gonna have to keep it
Nobody else can see this
So watch and learn
I won't show you twice
Head to toe
OOOH baby rub me right
But if I share my secret
You're gonna have to keep it
Nobody else can see this"
O.K., you, my friendly reader, are probably laughing your brains out, peeing your pants, or going "Why am I still here?" to yourself right about now. I know that Wade Wilson, aka Deadpool the psycho guy who likes shooting people, singing a song the fat cow - I mean, Christina sang is impossible to believe.
But I'm making it even more unbelievable 'cause...I forgot to tell you that he's in drag.
Yes, the dude who likes guns and bullets is in drag. Why? Think about it. "X-tina" - how I feel stupid-er for saying that - looks like a drag queen. I mean, I saw a "The Fashion Police" episode from two weeks ago and there was a photo of her at the Michael Jackson (R.I.P.) memorial concert and she looked like a fat cow stuffed in a black tube sock. Ugh. It was awful. Anyway, it just makes sense that if Wade is gonna sing Christina's part, he should look like her too.
But it scares us. Let me tell you dude, we have grown men here who are unintentionally yakking their dinner up 'cause of Wade. Hank is throwing up right now on my shoes. Poor shoes.
Because it's so awful, I'm gonna keep ahead of this train wreck and summarize the rest of the night.
Charles marries a turkey.
Pietro and Wanda get one hundred billion hits on YouTube for their video of Erik singing You Make Me Feel So...(feat. Sabi).
Angel marries Kitty Pryde.
Kurt "Nightcrawler" Wagner finally shows up.
Wolfsbane finds Moira making out with Wolverine.
Kayla attempts to murder Wolverine.
Sabretooth watches.
Rogue tells Erik that he is the father of her newborn baby son, Charles Magnus Lehnsherr.
Remy "Gambit" Lebeau tries to kill Erik.
We bury Erik.
Lorna "Polaris" Dane makes out with Pietro.
Loki maxes out his V-card.
Wanda tells Polaris that Pietro is her brother.
We have to bury Lorna.
Alex comes out of the closet we shut him in five minutes ago.
He kills me.
I laugh.
I cry.
I'm very moved, Bob.
And it goes like this
Take me by the tongue
And I'll know you
Kiss me 'til you're drunk
And I'll show you
All the moves like Jagger
I've got the moves like Jagger
I've got the moves like Jagger
I don't need to try to control you
Look into my eyes
And I'll own you with them
Moves like Jagger
I've got the moves like Jagger
I've got the moves like Jagger
So...that's my story! It has been a crazy ride, but now a super sober Charles wants all of us nutty heads to clean up the mess we made. But, I walked you guys through the entire party so you shouldn't help us? Oh, whatever. I hope you enjoyed my stupid tale. So, if you guys mind clicking on that little "Review" button down there, I'd really appreciate it. Anyways, love ya all and have a great day. Oh, and Happy Halloween and if Logan sees this, tell him that a weird little fourteen-year-old girl wrote this and not me. Thanks.
THE END
BUT THIS SEAN IS WE'RE TALKING ABOUT SO IT'S PROBABLY NOT.