Chapter 4

Journal Entry of Mary Winchester Age 13

I am going to die.

I am going to die young.

I am going to die fighting.

I am going to die alone.

I am going to die.

Five words have shaped my life since I was eleven years old.

"Death is your gift."

Four words that weren't spoke directly to me but carry the truth of who I am.

I am the Slayer.

I kill vampires, demons and monsters that prey on the weak and helpless.

I save the world so families can love and care for each other without fear of the creatures that wander the night. I save families. Because no one should know what it's like to have someone they love taken by a monster.

No one.

The familiar leather bound journal sat on Mary's lap, open to one of her very first journal entries from a long time ago. About the time when she decided that she needed to do something with this power she had, even if it meant leaving home and her family to do it. Bits of notes about creatures and cases-some thoughts and questions and of course, it became a way to help her keep certain truths in place when the rumors of her life spread like wildfire through the supernatural world.

She is in the medical wing slash nursery part of the ship, propped up with pillows on a stiff bed, one that she has apparently been in for the last two weeks since she and Spike closed the Hell's Gate. She's supposed to be resting but she doesn't feel like it. Something seems to be off but Spike and Castiel haven't told her anything so she knows it has something to do with her. Something bad that they don't want her to know about.

She should be pissed at them for keeping secrets but isn't. When the time comes, they will let her know. So for now, she flips to a blank page and starts to write in her journal as Spike continues to talk with her.

Journal Entry of Mary Winchester Age 16

Spike is talking about the past. That is the first sign I know that something is wrong. Spike never likes to talk about the past unless it's related to how awesome he is.

"Dracula owes me twenty quid."

"If you had been alive during the 70's luv, you would have loved the punk scene, nothing like it I swear."

"Billy Idol stole his look from me, you know."

Spike likes to talk big. He acts big. The Big Bad Vampire. Formerly though he still acts like he is to keep up appearances. It's all about appearances he once told me. Present yourself as a Big Bad Vampire, and it keeps the riff raff from thinking they can stand up against you. Fear and awe will throw creatures off their game, make it easier to do the job. The job that I accepted when I was 13 years old.

Spike says that all it is, a job that I chose to do. But I know its different. I don't tell him because he gets all huffy and goes on this spiel about how destiny and fate is never proof that things are what they really are. He has this thing against accepting destiny and fate. So does my Dad. Castiel too.

They don't believe it.

Given what I know about their history, I understand.

Spike used to be part of the Whirlwind, the Scourge of Europe who has killed two Slayers back when killing Slayers was a BIG DEAL. He knew the path he was going to follow. Until Drusilla got sick and he went to Sunnydale and it changed. Years in the making had him falling in love with a Slayer, the Slayer, so I'm told by everyone. She changed him. He died for her once.

Castiel is an angel and all the angels worked for was for one goal. The End. The Apocalaypse was going to be the end that was written. But he changed that...with the help of my Dad, Grandpa Bobby and my Uncle Sam. He's died twice for them.

Dad and Uncle Sam lives were being lead to the very point the angel wanted. Both were supposed to be vessels to the Archangel Michael and Lucifer, the fallen angel (yes they are very very real) and they were going to fight and that fight would destroy the world.

They stopped it. Dad and Uncle Sam stopped it all by fighting against fate and destiny. They risked it all and won. But they lost.

Dad lost Sam. Lost Adam who didn't belong in their world but was pulled in because of his bloodline.


Spike says that in the end, its always about the blood.

I used to think it was because he was just a vampire.

But Castiel says its about the blood too. That if it weren't for the bloodline of the Novak's, he wouldn't be on earth.

I think of my own bloodline sometimes. Not very hard because its kinda frightening to think of what I carry inside me. If Michael ever escapes, he can use me as a vessel. When Faith died, she passed the Slayer line to me. And the Slayer line was created by demonic essence.

Angel bloodline.

Slayer Line.

Can I even be considered human?

"What are you writing there luv?" Spike asks, leaning forward to see what she has written only to be hit on the head by her pen with a sharp tap. "Oi!"

"Nothing for you to see." Mary warned him, shaking her pen at him while closing the journal so he couldn't read what she wrote. "You can read it when I'm dead." A startled, pained look flashes across his face, surprising her before it disappears to be replaced by a sneer. "It's probably just girly stuff right? You're writing about boys and Feathers over there!"

They look towards the corner where Castiel has carved out for himself. He has been listening to the angel chatter since she woke up. Mary left him alone since she knew the war in Heaven has gotten worst. Signs all over the world have been popping up more and more as the fighting between the two sides escalated. It was why she was needed at the Hell's Gate instead of the angels. The angels could have cared less that Hell could have had an open path straight to earth.

Well, she was wrong.

Castiel cared, after all it was him who requested her presence at the Gate as he fought in another battle that was indirectly involved. She wished he could have called for her help earlier, she could have rounded up some Slayers stationed nearby, called in the Watcher's Council for some witches instead of grabbing her and Spike in Las Vegas and dumping them off with the words, "Keep them busy while I deal with those responsible." and leaving two angels to help out.

Don't get her wrong. She loves having angels around to help out. There is nothing cooler than seeing them smite the black eyes monsters, the inhuman strength and speed, and their lack of fear in the face danger. It warmed her to know that they are on her side...or at least on Castiel's side. They care nothing for her save that she is the Slayer who will be welcomed into Heaven when she dies. Even if they look down at her for having a demon as a travel companion and works with a witch.

Whatever. She's not the first Slayer in history to have done so.

"I'm not writing about Cas. Not now anyways. I'm just-writing some things down." Mary looks down at the leather journal, running her fingers over the worn leather. "You know, Mom gave this to me."

Spike gave a nod, thinking of the dark haired woman who is Mary's mom. A woman who had only an inkling of what she was getting herself into when she married Dean. He heard from Mary how Lisa met Dean a few times before, once when she was young and wild, and once when he rolled into town and saved the neighborhood kids from a monster, including Ben, Mary's older brother. The third time, she met him it was to warn her about the war between Heaven and Hell that almost ended the world. The fourth and final time, she met him was after the death of his younger brother, a man Mary said was Dean's whole world from the time he was a little boy.

Sam Winchester is the untouchable saint that Dean held up to the highest regard and who Mary loves even though she has never met him.

Lisa never mentions Sam. She said that because she never knew him personally that it feels strange to speak to her children about him. Dean doesn't speak about Sam directly. Most of the time it's a slip of the tongue when he says something and Sam's name pops out. The world stops, holds its breath, waiting for Dean to continue but he never does. He goes quiet, a furrow appears between his brows as if thinking of something to say but he never speaks again.

Lisa would step in and turn the conversation to another topic.

Lisa is a saint in disguise.

"I know." Spike replies.

"Dad used to keep a journal like this one. So did Grandpa John, Grandpa Bobby and-" she hesitates. "Uncle Sam." Mary's eyes shift to Castiel. "They all used to keep journals just like mine. They used to do the same thing I do but without the abilities of a Slayer."

"They were Hunters you know." Mary writes in her journal while speaking. "My family. They weren't born Hunters like some families I've come across are. My family are Hunters because of tragedy, because of demon attacks that tore away their whole world, leaving them drifting in a sea of despair and darkness. It's terrible. I am lucky, in a way that my birth into the supernatural came as a bright light followed by dreams of lifetimes fought with blood and tears."

"Very poetic luv." Spike remarks after she stops writing. "A little melodramatic though."

"What's life without a bit of drama?" Mary says, closing her journal. She doesn't feel like writing anymore if all her thoughts are turning dark. "Come on, let's go get some real food, not this rabbit food you have the crew stuff down my throat." She pushes the blankets off her legs and twists her hips around off the bed, pushing off it. "I'm thinking some artery blocking double cheeseburger with bacon-!"

She fell to the ground with a loud thump, startling Spike and Castiel. Spike is at her side instantly, helping Mary sit up as she rubs her face from when she hit it on the floor. "Ow! What the freakin' hell man!?" Mary complains.

"Mary! Are you okay luv?" Spike asks, holding her up with one arm.

"Idiot!" Mary snaps at him. Spike's eyes widen in surprise at her outburst. "No, I am not fine! I just fell on my face and it hurt!"

"Mary." She looks up to see Castiel standing over her, a dark look in his eyes. "Are you injured?"

Mary grimances, wiping the back of her hand over her face. "It's nothing I can't get over." She replied before frowning. She looked down at her legs, poking a thigh with a finger.

"What's with that face luv?" Spike asked.

"Spike." Her voice quivers and Spike feels a sharp lighting bolt of fear run down his spine. "I can't—I can't feel my legs."

The effects of the curse happened rapidly after that incident. Spike helped Mary back to bed while Castiel took his leave to Heaven, urgently seeking a response aid in ridding Mary of the death curse she had. That left Spike to tell Mary the truth.

"So, I'm dying." Mary says, her a sad look on her face. When Spike was telling her about the curse, he could see the disbelief on her face as he held her hand in his. Her hands weren't as warm as before. They seem to be cooler, soft to the touch. Limp in his grasp, not in motion from twirling a stake, holding a gun or a knife or tighten in fists. "And there is no cure to what I have. At least none that you have found right?"

"I'm sorry luv." Spike couldn't look in her eyes anymore, feeling like he failed to protect her; knowing that he failed. He failed to save someone he loved again.

"This sucks." Mary can feel tears leaking from her eyes and wipes them away even though more fall. "Gods, this sucks so much!" she cries, pulling her hand away from Spike to cover her face. "Spike I—I'm so sorry!"

Spike jerked his head up at her cry. "No, you-you don't have anything to be sorry about luv. It's me, it's my fault this happened to you!" He cups her face in his hands. "God, I should've just pissed off when I saw you. A little girl with wings-a smiling girl who laughed carelessly with her family. I did this to you."

"I don't want to die Spike." Mary says, looking into his blue eyes that are torn between sadness and anger. "I have so many things to do yet. I haven't saved enough people-there's so much I haven't done yet that I promised to do!"

She pulled Spike closer, wrapping her arms around his neck, pulling him so that he was practically lying on the bed with her. He felt the wetness of tears on his neck, letting her cry. This was the worst. How could this happen? Why be so cruel to let a girl full of life, slowly feel her life leave her instead of taking her suddenly?

Mary was never good at goodbyes.

She hated them, she told him once. She's hated them ever since Grandpa Bobby left their house, promising to see her at her birthday. She made him cross his heart or hope to die. The next time she heard his name, she found that he was dead.

For the longest time, she thought she killed him by making him promise to come back.

But when she got into the hunting and Slayerhood, she found that some promises were impossible to keep. That no matter how much you fought or struggled or ran, that some promises were made to be broken. A boy named Joseph had taught her that.

After a while her tears slowed but didn't stop. She pulled away from him but still kept him close enough that he could feel her breathe on his skin.


"Yeah luv?" His hand is moving down her back, rubbing soothing circles to help calm her. He pauses when she doesn't speak. "What is it Mary?"

"Don't tell my Dad." Mary pulls back to look him in the eye. Her eyes are puffy and wet but clear and sad. "Please, don't let my family know that I died."

"What are you-"

"Because if Dad finds out that I'm dead, he'll lose it completely! He's gone through so much that if he finds out-it'll kill him. My grandpa's died by supernatural means. So did my grandma. Uncle Sam and Adam are-they're in Hell."

Spike frowns. He never heard about that.

"-everyone my Dad knows had died by something supernatural. It was hell for him when he found out that his daughter, his little girl turned out to be the Slayer." Mary tries to push herself up but her right arm is losing sensation. Spike helps her to a sitting position. "It's why I left."

"I couldn't stand the look in his eyes. That fear every time I stepped outside the door. That one day, I wouldn't come back. That he'd get a visit from the Council or a phone call. It was tearing into him and I never wanted to hurt him like that. I love my Dad too much to do that to him. To Mom or Ben and Jo or Johnny." Mary stops to breathe, making them both realize that she had been panicking. She can feel her heart pound in her chest and though it comforts her it always makes her realize that she is fragile.

She could and would die.


It was always someday, one day, years from now or when pigs fly.

This was too soon.


"Spike. I need my phone. I need to-I need to call Dad and let him know that I'm still alive."

Spike looks at her, unsure whether to follow her orders or try to changed her mind in the matter. Why lie to the one person she loves more than anything? Why give him the hope that one day, she'll walk through the doors of her childhood home for a visit with the family?

"Mary, I don't think-"

"Please Spike. I can't hurt him like that. I can't leave him thinking that I died in the cold, alone and probably frighten and bleeding. He can't have that image floating in his head." Mary pleaded, grabbing his arm. "I can't let him. He's my-Dad."

'Dean Winchester, I envy the love she carries for you.' Spike thought as he nodded and reached inside his coat for the replacement cell phone the bugs got for him. 'Don't say anything that you would regret. Don't hurt her.'

Mary gives him a bright smile as he hands her the phone. She wipes her eyes, the smile never leaving her face as she presses in her home number and holds it up to her ear. It rings once, twice, thice and for a moment, Spike's nonbeating heart clenches as it rings for a fourth time, afraid that no one will pick up the phone when a gruff voice answers.


"Daddy? It's Mary."

There's a long long pause.


"Yeah, I'm alive." Amazingly, the smile on Mary's face grows bigger, so glad that she is able to talk to her father, the man she loves and admires so much.

"Jesus Christ Mary!" Mary bursts into tears at hearing the breaking of Dean Winchester's voice, both of them trying to soothe the other while trying to keep it together but failing completely. Spike settles himself down next to her, holding her hand in his own as Mary and Dean speak through the barriers that had built up between them.

In Heaven...

"Are you certain? This is absolute?" Castiel asked, his voice thundering, vibrating and yet calm as the sea.

"Yes. There is no changing the path that she is on."

Castiel stood alone as he fell apart.

AN: Just a short update for a story I feel has been neglected. It's close to the end now. :)