*Not mine, not making any money and no, I don't want to give him back.

It was two weeks until Valentine's Day and as usual, my prospects for a romantic evening weren't looking very good. Joe and I had called it quits a while back and Ranger was in the wind. Joe was seriously dating a nurse from St. Francis and things were looking good for them. I'm happy for him. We are still good friends, but if I had to be honest with myself, I was a little bit jealous. Not so much for the "dream" of the domestic bliss to which they were heading, but just for the companionship and love that they share. Two halves of a whole. Soul mates.

Soul mates. Don't we all long for that? Thing is, I've found mine. In Ranger. But if you had to get down to the nitty gritty of the whole thing, it's kind of difficult to be soul mates with someone who won't allow himself to experience love.

Yes, I know Ranger loves me. Really loves me, but he won't allow himself to anything about it. It's beyond frustrating and downright heart breaking.

I've tried again and again to break down his defenses. Convince him that the risk is worth it, but he will not budge. Tank had tried. Lester has tried. Even his family has tried, all on my behalf to get him to open up and let me in, all to no avail.

So, this Valentine's day I am going to do something different.

I'm letting him go.

Coming to this decision, as you can imagine has been heart wrenching. The emotion and the energy of all the years of chasing Batman had finally beat me down to the point that I had nothing left to give. Nothing left to offer. I just have all of me to give, and that wasn't enough.

After a few weeks of crying and an ungodly amount of Ben & Jerry's, I came up with a plan to get my life back and at the same time, maybe, just maybe, I could have a good Valentine's Day.

What, may you ask, was this wonderful plan?

Wait for it….

ONLINE DATING!

Okay, this is what I was thinking. First, online dating could help me meet a lot of new people. Heaven knows that I love my friends, but to be honest, they hold a very strong connection to one or both of the previous men in my life. So I needed to expand my circle of friends.

Two, if I was lucky I could get a date or two out of it. I mean come on, what more could you ask for . You have profiles and pictures of thousands of men from everywhere in the world to choose from! If I wanted to stay local I could (not likely due to the fact that everyone within a 50-mile radius knows who I am *sigh*) and if I wanted to date a hot Italian guy who lives in Rome, I could! I get to choose who I wanted to contact and if I didn't like the ones who contacted me I didn't have to respond. No fuss no muss! What's not to like right?

Uh-huh, I know what you're thinking. It ain't that easy Steph! Well damn it, I was determined to MAKE it that easy!

So with the decision made, online I went! I researched which were the best sites. Which methods they used to match people. The match rate per site, the man to woman ratio and so on fining the best place to find friends and maybe a date.

I decided on a site and went to work on my profile. Whew, let me tell ya, for a girl like me, that was some hard stuff! I wracked my brain for days trying to make myself sound like the girl that every guy would want to date and still be honest. That's not easy to do with the life I've lived. In the end I was truthful, just not fully honest with disclosure. I mean for example, when I said I was adventurous, I just didn't mention that my idea of a good time was kicking some skips butt after he made me roll in garbage. Or that my creativity usually showed itself when trying to get a 300lb, unconscious man down three flights of steps. People didn't need to know that my idea of great cinematography included a 40 foot marshmallow man!

Then there were the photos I had to post. Again, let me tell ya, it was really hard to find pictures that weren't out of the newspaper, showing me after my latest disaster, or ones that weren't of me looking like a floozy while working a distraction for Rangeman. I mean I couldn't very well go asking my friends for pictures of myself without raising suspicions. I ended up setting up my digital camera on one of the shelves in my kitchen and setting the timer. They turned out pretty good….if you didn't mind seeing my fake wood cabinets behind my head.

So anyway, after days of creating the Steph I wanted to be, I held my breath and pushed the "post" button. At first, I was so nervous to put myself out there for all the world to see, but after a while I got into the groove. I spent hours upon hours cruising the site, looking for great guys.

I've gotta say, all those thousands of guys the world over I was looking so forward to meeting couldn't hold a candle to Ranger.

And yes, I was comparing.

At first.

Then reality set in and I realized that there will NEVER be anyone like Ranger.

So I lowered my standards. A lot.

*sigh*

Then I lowered them again. At that point, things were starting to look up. If I looked beyond devastating looks, unshakable morals and unwavering discipline I could find something to work with.

It was about that time that I started to get messages in my new account mailbox. At first it was a drabble of, "Hi! Liked your profile! Wanna chat?" or "Wow! You're cute! Wanna chat?" Most of the guys were average at best. A few looked like they'd been beaten with an ugly stick and others, well; let's just say that Vinnie could have been on the cover of GQ compared to these ones! Now, I don't want to sound like I'm being shallow about the looks and all, because really, I don't think I am, but honestly, could you picture dating a guy with a huge mullet but was at the same time 80 percent bald? (Trust me, it's possible! I needed bleach for my eyes after that one!)

After three days, every single freak from Jersey to Jakar wanted to "chat". WHAT IS IT about me? I even attract cyber freaks! I was so "freaked" out about all the freaks I forgot that *I* was the one who was supposed to be doing the looking and emailing!

Totally disgusted, I swore I was through! Online dating sucks!

And whaddaya know, lookey there at the calendar! Valentine's Day!

I stood up from my dining room table, slammed my laptop shut, and went for the boys.

Ben & Jerry to the rescue again.

I slumped down on my couch shoving spoonful after spoonful into my mouth. Big fat tears plopping onto my shirt. I was officially done. No more. I was so tired of trying. So tired of hoping. And oh so tired of reaching for happiness only to have my hands slapped away from the prize.

Just as I was about to mentally jump off a bridge somewhere, my cell rang with the Batman theme. Oh god, why now? Can't he just go save someone else? The saving I need, he was not willing to do. So I let voicemail pick up.

A moment later the phone chirped indicating I had a message.

Crap.