1,439CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
The strip of skin on my forefinger was getting pinker by the minute, as I continued to rub my thumb over it absentmindedly and thoughtfully. It had been weeks, but the words were still there wherever I went.
Prom breezed by. Despite Mike's insistence on taking me with him, I remained stubborn; he went alone, and so did Emmett. Edward didn't go at all.
And now, it was graduation day.
Hello. This is Bella. I didn't want to call in case you were busy, but I still thought you should know that Edward's graduating tonight. –Bella
I sent the messages to two people.
I refused to feel bad today; I was done feeling miserable. True, it hurt that he left me in the middle of the night, dawn, whenever, but that was okay. I knew by now that a relationship between two people could never be perfect.
The bell tinkled as I pushed the glass door and stumbled into the cold store.
"Welcome," the owner greeted.
I nodded politely and went off to the side to scan the roses, sunflowers, freesias, and lilies.
"How much are these?" I asked softly, pointing at them. "I would like three bouquets of roses."
The florist scanned my formal outfit and smiled knowingly. "As gifts for the graduating seniors?"
"Yes." I laughed quietly and studied the empty store. "I guess I'm the last one in town."
"Kind of, sort of," she teased me.
My phone beeped.
I know. –Carlisle
You're coming, right? –Bella
When the bouquets were done and decorated, she gave them to me. I thanked her.
"How much?" I asked.
"Five bucks."
I stared, dumbfounded. "Only?"
She waved me off. "It's graduation day."
Girl, I have your seat saved. –Carlisle
I smiled at my phone and then at the florist. "Thank you so much, ma'am."
"Mhm. Have a good evening."
I thanked her again, really hoping that I'd have a good one like she said.
"I'm so proud of you," I sighed.
Mike gave me a dead look. "You didn't really think I'd fail high school, right?"
I rolled my eyes and gave Emmett and sideway hug. He kissed my cheek in response, and I tried to ignore how his mouth lingered.
"So!" I stuck my hands on my hips. It was weird – seeing them in caps and gowns. "Nervous?"
"Hardly. It's just a diploma." Mike shrugged. "Can't wait to get out of this place."
Emmett disagreed. "I don't know, man. I might miss Forks a bit. It's the only home I know."
As I watched the two bicker, Edward joined the group.
"Yo, man," Emmett said, nodding. "How you feeling this morning?"
Edward neither frowned nor smiled. "I can't wait to get out of this town."
Emmett smirked. "That's what Mike said."
The air turned awkward, and shaking his head, Mike promptly left us.
It was not very surprising – the entire school knew about the sudden feud between the two best friends. The animosity they had for each other was getting more noticeable day by day.
Emmett's face fell as he stared after the blond boy. After bumping his fist to Edward's shoulder, he, too, left.
I rolled my ankle and linked my hands behind me. I looked down at my shoes, and so did Edward at his.
"So…" we said in unison.
I cracked a smile and peeked up. "You're graduating, huh?"
"I'm graduating," he parroted, seemingly a little stunned this time.
"You passed Wilkins' class!"
He grinned. "I know!"
We laughed at each other's exaggerated excitement.
I opened my mouth to speak just as a group of cheerleaders launched on Edward's back, sending him coughing and reeling.
"Class of 2013!" the girls screamed at the top of their lungs, leaving loud kisses on his neck.
Edward laughed, carefully setting the girls down. The beautiful blondes and brunettes said their congratulations and started racing toward a different lot of guys.
I chuckled a little. "You have… something… on your face. Yeah, right there."
His face now garnered red, pink, orange lip marks of different shapes and sizes.
"Cheer squad's prank," he explained, rolling his eyes.
"I see that," I laughed.
He tried to rub the marks off, but the attempts were pretty much futile.
Just as he cussed under his breath, I opened my mouth again.
"Hey, Edward?"
His eyes warmed me with his keen attention, and it made me smile and frown and melt.
"When did you leave me that night?" I asked softly.
He straightened up and didn't look away from me. "Early in the morning."
"Can I ask you why?"
He dragged a thumb from his temple to chin and then stared at the lipstick on it. "I don't know. I was thinking, and… it felt like the right thing to do."
"What exactly were you thinking?"
"I was thinking…" He struggled with his words, because honesty was a new concept to him and he was trying – really, really trying. "I was thinking that that's probably all we are."
I can't help but think that this is all we are.
They had been his words on my forefinger. I scrubbed them off in the first few moments after I realized that he'd abandoned me – because as easily as those words had made me mellow, they'd made me nauseated.
"What is?" I sounded impatient and choked up as I tried to keep the tears at bay. "The sex? The lies? The so-called relationship we have? What exactly?"
"Just everything." It sounded like a question.
"Tell me," I insisted.
He looked off to the side. "I was thinking that you were right. I agree – I don't think this is going to work out. I can try to tell you everything, but nothing's going to change. And after the ceremony, I'm going to leave town – forever – and I'll probably never come back for you. I won't."
I'll probably never come back for you.
Those simple words were in a loop inside my head.
"What if I went with you?" I said out of desperation.
His lips pressed into a line. "I'm not good for you."
So he was breaking my heart into a million pieces because he thought I deserved better?
"I'll go with you. I can do that. We can work it out." My pulse picked up. I'd fight for him. "It doesn't have to end like this. We can still –"
I came short, because I finally saw – saw and realized that his eyes were telling me no.
"Bella," he sighed, "I don't want you to come with me. That's ridiculous."
It took me a minute to let those words sink in.
He was only eighteen, and I seventeen. I thought I could fix him now. I was wrong.
He surreptitiously studied the people around us, and quietly led me to a remote corner by the gymnasium.
"But I thought…" I shut my eyes and opened them, confused. "I thought we had a different… new… connection that night."
He just stared.
"Right?" I whispered.
"We did," he agreed. "But that doesn't change anything."
"I know." I didn't know what to look at – his face, his eyes, his neck, his gown – so I just looked down at my feet. "I know that, but –"
"But what, Bella?"
My eyes snapped up.
He was right. But what?
But I gave him everything?
But I loved him?
But what?
Tonight, Edward seemed much taller than he usually was; much more mature in the eyes and the jaw; much more mature in his talking tone.
I, on the other hand, just seemed like a petulant child, pleading and sniffling like a fool.
"Okay, then." I felt a little numb, walking off like this, incomplete and undone. "If that's what you want."
I fell apart just as I was certain that I was out of his line of sight.
I narrowly missed the national anthem as I seated myself next to Carlisle Cullen.
"Long time no see," he greeted me brightly.
"I agree." I looked over his shoulder at the program in his hand. "How are you?"
"Meh. You?"
I shrugged.
"You look like you just cried."
"How subtle of you."
"You're snarkier this time around."
"And more bitter."
He chuckled. "More mature, you mean. You've gotten prettier."
"Thanks – that you think I've gotten prettier."
Carlisle watched me closely. "You are bitter."
"Definitely, although I didn't, you know, cry," I said casually.
"Mhm. Well, I'm sorry that he… yeah…" He paused. "What did my son do again?"
"He broke up with me." I blinked. "But I broke up with him about two times before that, so. I don't even know."
He sighed loudly. "Interesting. You two remind me just how much I hated high school."
"Great. Edward and I are the worst clichés."
With that, the senior class President took the podium, opening up the ceremony, and the audience quieted.
"Carlisle."
"Yes, pretty girl?"
"Your son's one hell of a heartbreaker."
He grinned widely. "He takes that after me."
"I see that." I couldn't hold my tongue. "So if you don't mind, can you tell me why you and Esme got a divorce? Didn't you love her? Didn't she love you?"
"She loved me, all right." He shrugged. "And she was definitely my girl."
"And?"
"And that's that. She was the first girl I loved, and it never works out with your first."
But Edward was first everything to me.
Although my heart was fluttering like crazy, I calmly looked away and at the stage; Carlisle was watching me now.
"That sucks," I said quietly.
"Well, that's why it's first love and shit. It supposed to, you know, not work out."
I just nodded.
A while later, Carlisle tapped my shoulder. "More on what happened later, okay?"
I didn't answer.
I checked my phone one last time – no message or missed calls; Edward Masen never responded.
Then I saw Carlisle, who was even thinner than the last time I saw him, as he searched the section where the graduates were seated. His mouth slimmed into a handsome smile when he located his son.
He awkwardly fixed his tie. "Fuck this shit."
"It looks fine." I smiled. "You look really nice tonight, by the way."
"I didn't want to look like a complete idiot showing up in my usual jeans and shirt." He winked at me. "I look pretty sharp for a thirty-something-year-old, right?"
"Oh, yes, definitely. You pull off the look magnificently."
"Thanks. I'm a super-dad. I can do everything." He stealthily watched the parents at his sides. "Should I have bought some flowers?"
"What matters is that you're here."
"I don't know, Bella…" Carlisle actually sounded unsure.
A moment later: "Okay, now I think of it, even if I got some flowers, Ed is the type to throw them back at my face."
I scoffed. "Exactly."
He smirked and crossed his arms.
Edward might have lost his mother, but he didn't – not for one moment – lose his father.
I wasn't sure if Carlisle felt sorry for himself or for his son when a Mariah Carey song came crackling out of the speakers and the soon-to-be graduates rose from their seats. They seemingly produced a rose from thin air, and the senior class sponsor explained what was happening as each student found their parents in the audience and handed them the rose.
"These roses represent their thankfulness," the sponsor said.
Suddenly, with every graduate in a cap and gown scattered around the gym, it was very easy to see the one student still seated in the graduates' section – none other than Edward.
He twirled the long stem of the rose in between his fingers. He stared at the petals, and I wondered what he was thinking. He looked lonely.
"I wish I'd told him you were here," I told Carlisle.
"He wouldn't give that to me in a million years."
How was I supposed to respond to that?
"Edward Cullen."
Edward climbed up the stairs to the stage.
Carlisle cupped his mouth and cheered at the top of his lungs, not that Edward needed any extra voices; everyone was doing the same thing – shrieking – because Edward was Forks' athletic hero and that was that.
"Claim that diploma, son!" Carlisle shouted just as his son shook hands with the Principal and got the rolled-up parchment.
Even in the short length of time Edward Cullen walked across the stage, he got all kinds of catcalls and clapping and praises, all cried out from all corners of the gym.
Then it all stopped when the commentator spoke into the microphone.
"Edward Cullen will join the United States Air Force. He plans to go into basic training in mid-July."
There was an awkward pause, then shocked whispered words, and finally a new kind of applause – one of respect and honor – from the audience.
I was stunned still.
The United States Air Force? The military?
"Bella. Bella?"
My head snapped toward the voice. "Carlisle, did you know about this?"
"No…" He searched my eyes. "But I can't say I'm surprised. It's Edward."
Soon the rest of the students were called up.
"Emmett McCarty. Emmett will attend University of California, Los Angeles, recruited as the member of their basketball team."
"Michael Newton. Michael will attend University of Washington."
But I couldn't concentrate.
I just wanted to understand – to know. I just wanted to understand Edward's choices, especially this one.
As soon as the ceremony came to an end, boys and girls and men and women showered Edward with flowers after flowers. I hadn't given Emmett and Mike their bouquets yet, but I couldn't make myself to go find them right now – I didn't want to lose Edward from my line of sight.
So I held onto Edward's bouquet – one of yellow roses – close to my chest, waiting.
Edward, all patient and boy, wore a charming smile, saying thanks to each one who congratulated him and nodding modestly whenever someone praised him for his decision to serve the country. I could tell he was trying to get away from the crowd, though, with that way he kept stealing glances my way as if he was afraid that I'd give up on waiting and leave any second.
"Congratulations – officially," I said when he neared me.
Our hands touched as I passed over the bouquet; he could barely hold it in his arms with all his other flowers, most of which were given by his female, underclassmen admirers. My thoughts wandered off to Alice, but I stopped myself; she wasn't here today.
"I guess you are sort of popular." I tried to smile. "Some girls were crying – did you know?"
"You're kidding."
"I'm not."
"Stop making fun of me."
"I'm not!"
He smirked.
"Here, let me take some of that." I took some of the flowers, and he thanked me.
"My car's that way."
I nodded.
"Congrats, son!"
"Give 'em Air Force hell, Cullen!"
"I really appreciate what you're doing, Edward."
"Come visit, okay?"
"Keep in touch!"
"Forks High will miss its star!"
"We're going to miss you so, so much."
Edward answered each and every person with a subdued, handsome grin.
When we made it to the parking lot safe and alive, it was too quiet all of a sudden.
"So why Air Force?" I began nonchalantly.
His car beeped, unlocked, and he and I gently placed all his flowers inside. He threw in his cap and gown also.
I watched him, waiting, but he just raised an eyebrow.
"What's making you join the military?" I asked again, following closely behind him when he began walking. "Edward."
No answer.
I took in his form, as he continued to stroll off in front of me.
I really hadn't cried when he broke it off before the ceremony, but something was hitting me hard now; tears were dangerously close to falling.
This felt like betrayal, although it wasn't.
"Edward." I took a firm hold of his elbow and made him stop. He wouldn't turn, though. "Tell me."
He wouldn't.
"Why won't you tell me?" I sounded so small and immature, and the way he stared down at me made me feel that way even more.
"I'm joining because I like planes."
My bottom lip trembled. "I mean it."
"I want to be an engineer."
"You hate math."
"But I don't completely suck at it."
"But –"
"Joining the military has a lot of benefits, and I'm not ready to go to college."
"I didn't even know that you were considering this. All along…"
He looked away. "You're not going to scold me too, are you?"
Scold him too? "Mr. Masen knows."
His eyes shifted. "Yeah."
I remembered something about pre-law – what Jane mentioned a long time ago.
"Of course I'm not going to scold you." I held his hand, swinging our joined arms together. "I'm always on your side."
He pulled me close. "I know. I'm grateful."
I blinked away. "But wow. Military. That's… a whole different world."
He squeezed my arm and let go, distance forming between us. He did it on purpose.
"I'm supposed to meet up with Em and Mike." I pushed the disappointment aside. This was over – there was nothing to be disappointed about. "I have to give these flowers to them. Want to go with me? Say hi?"
"Mike?"
"Come on. Please? It might be the last time you guys will ever see each other."
He sighed, smirking, and undid a couple of his dress shirt buttons. "I'm not going to refuse you."
Now late in the evening, the sun was setting, and it created a beautiful ruby-red, orange glow as its rays spewed into the classroom.
It was empty, except for Emmett who was leaning on the edge of the windowsill on the far side, and Mike who was straddling one of the chairs.
"Ah, shit." Mike smirked at the floor. "Can't believe I'll never be sitting in one of these again."
"Yeah, man. It's weird." Emmett sat up, his face glowing when he spotted me by the door. "Hey, Bella! Edward, you're here!"
I hesitantly but bravely looped my arm around Edward's and nudged him close; he allowed me to move him with me easily, giving me his closed-off, mellow smile as he did.
"The Fantastic Four, united," Emmett went on.
I was rolling my eyes when a voice came floating in.
"Make that Fantastic Five," the newcomer said, walking in just in time.
"Hey, man," Mike said with a small smile, bumping fists with none other than Royce.
Royce was dressed to a tee, and he patted a dumbfounded Emmett on the shoulder and said congrats.
"You too, bro," he addressed Edward this time, eyes intense.
Suddenly the air was pressing in, hard, on me from all direction.
"Why are you here?" I tightened my grip around Edward's elbow – just in case. "How did you –?"
"I invited him to graduation."
My eyes snapped to Mike. "Why?"
My best friend began to tap a rhythm on the desk next to him, averting his eyes to the window. A shadowed look settled on his face.
"Hi, Bella," Royce said formally.
"What, you two are best friends now?" I hissed, glaring at both of them. "Since when?"
"I'm out."
My eyes widened in panic as I felt Edward's arm slipping out of my hands. "Don't go."
But his green, green eyes were heavy and bleak, and they made me choke back on my words.
Just as he reached for the door, though, Royce yawned.
"And I was so ready to tell you that Bella actually never let me touch her." Royce perched himself on the desk next to Mike; he smirked and crossed his arms. "I guess I don't have to explain myself anymore?"
Edward nearly slammed the door back shut as he looked back at Royce straight in the eye. "No, you don't, because it's none of my business."
Royce held out his palms outward in surrender. "Okay, then. Jesus, relax! I just wanted to make it clear. You happy now, Bella?"
I clenched my fists. "Ecstatic."
Royce leaned back, palms holding his body up. He swung his leg back and forth, at leisure.
"So we're cool?" Royce asked, cruel and teasing. "Edward Cullen?"
Edward snorted, just as cruel. "I told you. I don't give a fuck about what you do with her. Like I said, it's none of my business."
I listened quietly, feeling boneless.
Stop.
Edward, stop.
"Ooh, harsh." Royce whistled. "That's a not a nice thing to say about your girl, one you actually care about."
"I don't –" Edward, for a sliver of a second, glimpsed down at me. "She really doesn't mean anything to me."
Emmett, who'd been silent all this time, sharply looked up from his hands.
Mike smirked condescendingly, those curved lips hidden behind his hand.
"You don't mean that." Royce lifted his eyebrows in mock surprise. "You do not mean that, Edward. I've known you since you were, what, fifteen? I know you enough."
"I know you enough too, RJ." Gaze unwavering, Edward slumped against the wall and crossed his arms and ankles. "I know you like to manipulate people into giving in. You should know that I would never."
"How stubborn." Royce sighed and smiled tightly at me. "You see what I'm talking about, right, Bella? So fucking secretive, isn't he? The boy never learns. But you're right, Edward – absolutely. I want you to give in for the sake of a certain girl – a girl who is, in fact, standing right here in this room with us."
"Stop."
It was Emmett.
Emmett popped himself off the sill, dropping his arms limply by his side. "That's enough, both of you. Bella? Those are for me, right?"
I wasn't quite ready to be pulled out of a daze but I tried to recover quickly. "Yeah, yeah. Here."
I might have been shivering a little when Emmett shimmied one of the two bouquets out of my hands.
Mike, too, gently pried the last one off, eyeing me seriously. "Thanks, Bella. I appreciate it."
I tried to ignore the feeling that everyone had their eyes on me – I knew it was more than a feeling, though. I also tried to push the anger and sadness aside – for now.
"No, thank you, Mike." I hated that I had empty hands now; I began to fidget with my dress. "For all the great advice."
He pursed his lips and nodded once.
"And Emmett?" I called.
"Hmm?"
Everyone's eyes were on my shaking hands now – I could tell – as I dug around my purse.
I took out a small box of chocolates and handed it to him. "I made them."
"Huh. Wow. Is today my birthday?" Emmett said in a daze.
"I just realized last night that I never really thanked you for pulling me out of the pool that other time."
Then I saw it: Emmett's stare flickering and locating something behind me.
"Oh. That. Um, no problem," he stuttered, shaking his head.
Then there was silence. It chilled me to the bone, and I absolutely detested the cold, brutal way Mike and Edward eyed each other. But I was also too drained to be part of the feud.
"I'll go now." I adjusted my purse and carefully avoided eye contact. I turned swiftly, eyes only on the door. "Bye, guys."
"Bella. Wait a minute."
It was Mike. "Yes?"
"Are you… sure it was Emmett?"
From where I stood, I could see all of them.
Emmett looked anxious.
Royce looked curious, amused even.
Mike looked strangely, exceptionally calm.
Edward stared blankly at his feet.
"I…" I whispered, confused. "I think so."
Something had changed.
"Really?" Mike spoke slowly, his blue eyes arresting and hooded. He leaned forward on his elbows. "Are you sure?"
"Well, that's what I was told… Right, Emmett?" I somehow sought for Edward's attention. "Edward?"
I'd never experienced heavier, thicker silence.
Then there was an earsplitting bang as Mike threw the chair he'd been sitting on to the side and went to grab Edward by the collar.
"You liar," Mike bit off, livid. "You pathetic liar."
Edward's eyes were frozen, glazed.
I felt adrenaline in my veins as I rushed forward and pulled Mike by the waist. "Mike! What are you doing?"
Mike snatched my wrist, holding it up in the air. "Bella. Are you really that oblivious? It was Edward who pulled you out of the water."
Memories came rushing back.
"But Edward can't swim…" I desperately looked at the boy I loved. "He's afraid of the water."
"He jumped in for you, stupid girl."
I pulled my wrist free, tumbling back in shock, as if I'd been burned.
Mike was fuming. "He cried, when he pulled you out. He thought he lost you."
The hair on the back of my neck stood as I watched Mike shove Edward into the wall again, yelling a lot of stuff; most of it I couldn't register.
"What the fuck are you waiting for, Edward!" Mike yelled, furious. "She's so miserably in love with you, and everyone can plainly see that you're in love with her too. When will you stop denying yourself? Just fucking tell her!"
Edward, jaw clenched, pushed Mike off. He was heading for the door, but someone grabbed his shoulder – Emmett.
"Let go, Emmett," Edward murmured.
"No."
Edward swung free, but this time Royce was guarding the door.
Royce smirked. "You're not going anywhere, kid. And Bella? Are you sure you want to let Edward go like this?"
I didn't know what to do.
Mike hurled Edward back over by the shoulders. "Look at me, Edward. I'm your best friend. You have to listen to me. That girl – right there – is and has been waiting for you to accept her. Don't just throw this away."
Edward looked like a lost child, shaking his head and eyes scanning every inch of the floor. He looked whiplashed and staggered, and this was not the guy the girls out in the courtyard were crushing on – not the guy I felt so defenseless with when we were together – and definitely not the guy whom his friends knew.
Royce just sighed, blowing hair out of his face, and looked determinedly up at the ceiling. Pensive. Exhausted.
Mike wouldn't budge, instead now tightening his hold.
And something happened because fists were flying, then. Desks were shoved, creaking as Mike and Edward swerved around the classroom. Emmett came running to hold Mike back, while Royce just calmly watched the violence unfold.
Mike was relentless, powerfully punching Edward right in the cheek, and charging like a bull. Edward was up for a match, too, because he was throwing his bleeding knuckles back in return.
Emmett yelled as Mike kept trying to shrug him off.
I heard more cursing and shuffling and yelling.
Mike got his arm free from Emmett, and bent it back to swing it forward – but Emmett took it to his palm.
And Edward. It only took one moment of him looking at me and me looking at him. It only took that much – seeing his eyes fall from my eyes to my nose to my mouth and back up – before I was alert.
I have to go to him.
His name left my mouth in a prayer when a pair of arms circled my waist and tilted me away from the scene – Royce.
Although I could still hear the crunching and grunting noises, I couldn't see those two; that terrified me.
"Royce, let me go."
"Sorry but no. You stay out of it," Royce whispered in my ear, pushing my flaring arms down and putting him between the fight and me as if to protect me. "Listen to me! Stay out of this."
I could only catch glimpses.
There was an endless give-and-take between the two, each blow retaliated with another blow.
I knew. This had been building up for a long time.
Mike had waited for this, just as Edward had anticipated it. This was bound to happen.
And Emmett might be crying – I wasn't sure – but he was sweaty and desperate and urging. His friends were colliding and rushing and pinning.
Mike had a bruising eye and a busted nose, and Edward had busted lips and a fresh, sliced-open wound that cut down from his temple to chin. The front of Mike's dress shirt was ripped open, and so was Edward's at the neck. Their shirts, bodies, and knuckles were red and bloody.
They continued to hurl at each other, like cannon balls, bumping bodies and kicking legs as they turned and rolled.
Mike, fastened down on his back, shoved Edward off and stood. He shrugged out of his ruined shirt, throwing it, and spat blood on the ground. His chest was sweaty, and he was breathing loudly through flared noses and opened mouth.
"You know what's funny about girls, Edward? They don't gamble when it comes down to their feelings for a guy. They like to go for someone who's worth a shot. But that girl –" Mike pointed right at me "– she's willing to gamble everything for you."
Edward wouldn't get up; he lay splayed on the cold floor, his hair a complete mess. But his eyes were fired up and alive, and he was nowhere done fighting because he was now on his feet.
Mike smirked, welcoming the challenge, and threw a punch that sent Edward back to the floor.
"Get up, you motherfucker! Tired already?" Mike shouted. "You're a coward. You're scared of hurting yourself and hurting her. But you know what – that has only hurt your girl even more. You're weak – so weak that you don't even know how to handle your feelings. If you really don't care about her, say it to her face. Do it."
Edward lay limp and lifeless, arms spread at his sides.
I could see the tears collected in his eyes, and they slowly but surely slid down his face – first down his bleeding wound, then his temple, and finally his hair.
He muffled a sob.
In the sudden silence that took over the room, Edward's choking was more coherent.
The boy cried quietly, eyes closing and lips twisting. Endless streams of tears. Red eyes. Wet eyelashes.
Seeing him cry made me cry. "Mike, stop!"
Mike shut his eyes close, his coiled body at last relaxing. "When did you turn into this stupid, caged girl, Bella? Look at him."
"I wish I can tell her. That I want to be with her." Edward covered his face with his raw, bloody hands. He choked on his own tears, his breaths rough and uncontrolled. "I love her so much. I wish I can tell her, but if I do… I know she'll try to come with me." He rolled to one side, away from the rest of us, protecting himself. "And if I tell her I want it that way, she will sacrifice everything just for an idiot like me. So I can't. I can't."
The last two words hovered in the air.
I can't.
I can't
I can't.
Royce's arms loosened around me. "Go, Bella."
I went.
Edward rose to his feet and fixed his shirt, patting it down. He wiped the blood off his face with one good swipe.
I'd seen so much of the blankness, the hollowness in Edward Cullen's eyes – but nothing like this.
This boy was so far gone, and he wasn't even blinded by anger – just numbed, it seemed to be.
He slowly swung an arm around, stretching it, and cracked his neck. "I know you've been waiting for this, Mike. Go for it. I'm ready whenever you are."
Head ducked, eyes brimmed with tears, I placed my hands over his chest. "Don't."
He gently tore my hands off, his fingers circling my wrists. I clamped my lips tight, just shaking my head over and over.
"I'm sorry," he told me, almost a whisper.
I twisted my head down just as fat, warm, sticky tears came tumbling down my cheeks. My head hurt, and Mike was right. It was not just Edward; it was both of us that were fucked up and stupid and weak and scared and mistaken.
We let each other down all the time.
I began to sob into Edward's chest, hiding myself there.
Edward couldn't even hug me back, his arms just hanging at our sides, but he didn't push me away.
The fire in the room had finally burned out.
Everything slowed into a hypnotic, tender lull, and everyone harbored a kind of emptiness in their eyes.
It wasn't until the suspecting teachers came running into the room that we were able to do anything.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Is everyone still hating Edward now? I'm thinking that perhaps some of your opinions have changed… Let me know!
Sarah