Title: Thursdays Equal Trouble
Character/pairings: Waltemis, with a dash of Robin/Zatanna and a hint of Robin/Batgirl
Notes: Requested by crunchydill, who asked for Dick trolling Artemis at school with some help from Babs. This is Part 4 of Satellites on Parade's 'Routines' (Monday) which was followed by Jncera's 'T is for Tuesday' (Tuesday) which was yet again followed by Black Licorice Addict's 'This Week's Forcast: WTF' (Wednesday). I'm just contributing my bit to these hilarious and amazing series of fics. If you haven't read those, go and do it. They are great (and kind of needed to understand this one).
This was written on my iTouch, which unlike popular opinion has absolutely NO auto-correct (that works) so there will be 100k mistakes here. Please tell me of you see one, and enjoy!
Thursdays were just plain stupid.
They shouldn't exist - they served only to lengthen the time until Artemis was able to free herself from Gotham Academy's ridiculously shiny hallways, and therefore from Dick Grayson and Babs Gordon. Or, as she now privately called them, Robin and Batgirl.
Artemis's phone buzzed, an extremely irritating noise, and she opened it with a sigh, already knowing the general gist of what she'd been sent.
bring me breakfast (8:34)
four pieces of toast and an egg (8:34)
screw that bring an entire chicken (8:34)
i am withering (8:36)
i will blow away in the wind (8:36)
i need food (8:36)
help me please (8:37)
Artemis snapped her phone shut, refusing to answer such stupid texts from Wally. She shoved it into her bag, and walked down the hallway to whatever stupid class she had first, hoping to avoid anyone she knew.
No such luck. Although she'd bypassed her locker, Barbara Gordon was standing outside their World Literature classroom, rifling through her own bag. Cursing the fact she took classes with Babs, she stomped over to the red-head, ready to be subjected to mental torture for the rest of her day.
To her surprise, Babs's usually calm face was filled with anger, as she glared ferociously at he floor.
Artemis stood next to her for a moment, feeling quite awkward, until she finally nudged the other girl. "Are you okay?" she asked hesitantly, silently hoping the girl would just say yes.
Babs spared a look at Artemis before returning to her attempt to melt a hole in the floor of the corridor. "No. But I'll be fine."
Artemis raised a brow. "Coming from a shit liar, that was horrible," she drawled, slightly amused. She had an idea of why Babs was cranky, but she wanted to see if she was right.
Babs's glower lessened for a moment, and she cracked a grin. "It's just- complicated. I mean- he just- I want-"
"Dick troubles?" Artemis asked cruelly. She had no intention of letting Babs and Dick off the hook, after all they'd put her through, but she need information, and having Babs as an ally could prove useful. Artemis felt her phone buzz as Wally continued his narration of his dreadful, tortured life.
Babs's startled gaze flew up to meet Artemis's. "How-?" she gasped out, before a sardonic smile creased her face. "That obvious?"
Artemis nodded. "Give him time," she suggested as the teacher arrived (finally) and they filtered into the classroom. "He'll get over Zatanna eventually."
She savoured the shocked silence from behind her as she checked her phone.
SOS food (8:39)
i think I can feel my body eating into my heart muscle (8:39)
what is wrong with you why aren't you helping me (8:40)
dying here (8:40)
like a tree without water (8:41)
and I am the tree (8:41)
and the water is food (8:42)
Artemis simply replied with a tasteful 'you're stupid Wally' and sat down in her assigned seat.
"She knows!" Babs's hurried whisper cut through the happy rumble of lunch-goers, and her wide eyes expressed her distress. Batman would kill them. He'd kill them. He'd kill them dead for even talking to her, let alone letting her learn their identities!
"No way," replied Dick, placing his books into his locker. "I mean, she didn't even know who Batgirl was yesterday. There's no way-"
"Trust me, she knows. She said today-" as Dick watched, Babs's broke off, turning as red as her hair. "Well - what she said doesn't matter. But trust me, she definitely knows."
Dick's phone buzzed, and he slipped a hand into his pocket, already knowing it was Wally complaining about his school lunch. With a quick glance he read the text - 'why do you get steak and salad I get mystery meat I hate you so much' - and was beginning to text back a reply when he froze, looking up at Babs.
"Wally just told me he was jealous of my steak and salad lunch," he said calmly, mind racing to comprehend the situation, and limit the damage.
"Uh, yeah," Babs said, looking confused. "And that's unusual for what reason -"
"Wally just told me then. And I haven't told him what our meal is yet," he replied calmly.
A look of comprehension dawned on Babs's face. "Oh. OH. So that means-"
"Yep," Dick finished, a grin on his face. "And I have the perfect plan."
Artemis was unsurprised to see Babs and Dick appear within blinking time, both with the salad and steak in hand. She'd already texted a photo to Wally, and in return had had a stream of abusive and/or pleading texts from the speedster. There was a certain edginess to how the two younger students sat, Artemis realised as she ate smugly. Probably because all secrets are now out in the open here. Well, most of them, anyway.
"Hey Artemis," Babs said, looking almost too casual as she ate her lettuce, eyes blank. Artemis nodded in reply and smiled at Dick as she finished her mouthful.
"Did you think on our conversation yesterday?" asked Artemis sweetly, loving the way Babs tensed slightly and Dick blinked awkwardly.
"Not really," Babs replied without any hint of a lie. Well, besides that absolutely blank face and the way she was ignoring Dick. Artemis bit into her lettuce, enjoying the crunchy feeling of it beneath her teeth. Revenge was extremely sweet.
Wally wasn't really sure what was going on. See, he'd texted Artemis on Wednesday with pleas for her to help save his life, and as usual she'd sent him a photo of her beautiful, delicious, succulent meal of prime rib and salad (there was a reason he'd named her She-Demon in his phone), when she'd sent him the most puzzling text.
'Revenge is a dish best served on Wednesdays.'
Now, Wally prided himself on being the most logical of the team. It came with the 'science prodigy' part of him. So when he received a text stating 'Revenge is a dish best served on Wednesdays' and he didn't know what that meant, it frustrated him. Therefore, he was going to find out.
The team was currently gathered at the cave, readying for 'bonding time' as Kaldur had called it. Artemis was sitting on the couch reading something, and M'gann was cooking something in the kitchen. Everyone else was either getting changed or relaxing.
Wally sidled over the couch, eyes bright. "What did you mean by the Wednesday thing?" He asked Artemis quietly. No one else knew that the two were texting, and Wally wanted to keep it that way.
"You wouldn't have understood," she replied, just as quiet as he was, turning a page of what seemed to be a French text book. Damnit. She was playing hard to get.
"Just tell me," he whined softly, leaning over the edge of the couch so his mouth was close to her ear. "Please."
Artemis looked at him out of the corner of her eye. "It was just a joke. You wouldn't understand."
Wally bit back a groan. He wanted to know. He wanted an explanation. Explanations were what Wally lived for - one of the many reasons he loved science. Science explained absolutely everything. "Just tell me please-"
Wally jumped a foot backwards as Robin suddenly appeared in the room. He watched anxiously as the acrobat walked across and cave and plonked himself down next to Artemis, afraid he had noticed Wally's position moments beforehand.
He relaxed as the younger boy said nothing, simply read over Artemis's shoulder intently. He'd started to walk towards the kitchen (and M'gann) when he heard Artemis shriek and turned to see Robin holding a small black mobile phone, scrolling through something with a cat-got-the-cream smile on his face.
"Contacts," Robin read aloud, grinning. "Crock, Paula. Gordon, Babs. Grayson, Dick. Home. Boring." The grin was beginning to fade when it suddenly came back full force. "Who's 'The Fricking Food Monster'?"
Wally stared at Artemis, suspicious of who 'The Fricking Food Monster' might be. As a blush ran riot across her face, he realised he was right, and bit down on his indignation.
"Just.. A friend from my old school," Artemis stuttered, sure she'd be caught. If Dick found out she texted Wally - the consequences would be dire.
"Oh really?" Robin, raising his eyebrows above his shades. "Is that so?"
M'gann entered the room, carrying a tray of freshly bakes cookies. She'd opened her mouth to speak when Wally waved her silent. This (sadly) was more important than food right now.
"Um, yes," stuttered Artemis, swallowing. Please let him buy it, she thought valiantly.
"What's his name?" asked Robin, leaning down to stare earnestly into Artemis's eyes as well as one wearing shades could.
"Uh... Um..." Artemis's poor brain scrambled to think of a name - any name! - as Kaldur and Supey joined them in the living room, all staring interestedly at the scene before them.
"Oh! Lookie here! You've sent quite a few texts to this guy today! How about I read one out, hmm?" Artemis went white, and attempted to grab her phone from the boy's hand, but he was out of her range in a heartbeat.
"Here's the most recent," Robin cried, looking down at the phone. "Here it is: 'you're stupid Wally'."
There was a deafening silence before M'gann let out an excited squeal. "I knew it!" she cried, eyes bright, nearly dropping her cookie tray.
Kaldur chuckled lightly and Supey just looked confused. Robin threw Artemis her phone and walked past the white-faced girl, towards the training room. As he passed, he leant down and whispered in the dumbstruck girl's ear.
"Just a hint - never try and troll a troll."