AN- This was inspired a few days ago when I was listening to the Chameleon Circuit song "Nightmares", (hence forth the name of this particular chapter), as I read about Gallifreyan history. There's this really well-researched timeline of practically everything you could ever want to know about Gallifreyan history called Rassilon, Omega, and that Other guy. It's pretty awesome, look it up on Google!

But enough on that...

This is probably the most angsty thing I've written in a while, hehheh. With Eleven. I promise one day I'll write some Ten! I just haven't gotten around to it! And as we all know, I do not own Doctor Who. Bleh.

xX

Nightmares

"Amy, Rory, I know where your daughter is, and on my LIFE she will be safe!"

These were the words that continually echoed through the Doctor's head as he flew the TARDIS, far away. Okay, so maybe it had been a desperate lie. Big deal. But when he stopped to think, he was actually telling the truth. He very well knew exactly where their daughter was now, and she WAS safe. It was that he just didn't want to relive those bad memories that still lingered, though now a lifetime away, there in The Library. He had enough to think about already.

There was the events today, for instance. He thought he had her. He thought he would be able to rescue Amy and Rory's daughter and take her home with her parents to Ledworth, to live a life free from danger. And it was his confidence that destroyed him, that set him off his guard. If he hadn't been so arrogantly proud of what he thought was his victory, then he would of noticed what was different about the baby Melody.

He could have saved her... But instead he had failed.

That wasn't at all what was making the Doctor uneasy. He knew deep down that Melody Pond would turn out fine, she would grow up to be River Song, and it was this thought that calmed him. Instead, what ate at his conscience was himself.

He had changed so much these past few years, and not in any way for the better. Even today it was evident; the Doctor could still feel boiling anger seeping through his system, even a while afterwards. The Oncoming Storm, some people called him. Ha... He sure raised a storm today. But this wasn't right, this wasn't what he used to be... Who he used to be... He never wanted to be like this. Never, in all of the days that he's lived.

And a very long time ago, there was once a day when the Doctor was just a young Gallifreyan boy who wanted one day to touch the stars, and everything that lay beyond them. Theta, he was often called back then. He was always such a bright and curious thing, the Doctor remembered fondly, but sometimes that curiosity tended to get him in heaps of trouble.

There was one time for example, when he and other members of his academy chapter went on a class trip, that it landed him and Kochei in a restricted sector of the Citadel. Oh, yes... He could remember this quite clearly... Both of them ended up getting arrested by the Chancellory guards, and afterwards it took a whole lot of muddled explanations and beseeching apologies from both Theta, Kochei, AND their instructor before they were let out of custody. They got busted big time by him later, set on probation and unable to graduate until further notice. But Kochei in the end somehow managed to wipe both their records of the whole incident, to the annoyance of their instructor, for he now had nothing to prove that they ever were on academic probation to begin with.

Partly because of this and other similar incidents, Theta had been labeled as a trouble maker in the years following, but in reality he was a good-natured boy at core, he just needed to learn some self-control. He did have his group of friends he hung out with, all of the young Gallifreyan rebels, including, among others; Kochei, later known to the rest of the universe as the Master, Ushas, who was the Rani, Drax, and the Time Lord who would eventually be called the War Chief.

In the end, after two attempts, Theta graduated but only barely, getting a low double gamma score in his classes, the lowest possible passing grade you can get. Some time after graduating though, he turned the tables and became well-known and respected among the Time Lords, serving on the Council and then the High Council. There was many a person who honestly believed that one day he would become president...

But even success has its time, and his ended when he decided to leave his home world. Theta just didn't feel as if he belonged there on Gallifrey anymore. He was getting bored with the strict conformity of Time Lord civilization and the countless attempted revolutions that were going on, and felt as if he could find his personal truth out among the stars. And then there was his childhood dream...

That's the only reason he had gone away with that stolen TARDIS. Yes, civilization on Gallifrey was becoming conceited and corrupted, but at the end of each and every day it all circled back around to that childlike curiosity of what laid beyond. So away he flew, taking a young Gallifreyan girl, Arkytior, his granddaughter, with him.

Eventually, Arkytior became known as Susan, and Theta himself chose to be referred to as "The Doctor". At first they were just travelers, exploring the sights in the expanse-full universe. The Time Lord and his granddaughter. Just how it was meant to be. And then they met Ian Chesterson and Barbra Wright...

Needless to say, the Doctor had been running ever since. And over the years, as he unwittingly managed to save worlds the universe over, he had been changing, ever so slowly... He hadn't even been able to notice it until recently. The Doctor, once a kind and curious young boy... Anymore? He wasn't sure exactly WHAT he was becoming.

It was the Time War that really snapped him in half. If it weren't for those horrors, he didn't think he would be in this position right now. He might of not even been in his eleventh body at this moment of time, if it weren't for the war that shattered everything. Even to this very day, the Doctor could still close his eyes at night and see it. The wounds were still open, cut deep into his two hearts. He doubted they ever would heal. Nothing could ever completely help him recover, not any amount of comfort, nor any Rose. He had tried countless to block out the knowledge that he was the one who had used the Moment, but at no luck. Trying not to think of it just made him think of it more, dipping into his more darker urges.

So he had put on armor. An armor of eccentricity, laughter, and genius, to hide away that darkness lurking deep inside. For a while he thought it would work. He was happy with Rose; he loved her. She was his life... And oh, did she love him back. But he never told her the truth she so deeply deserved, for fear of losing another person to fight for. This was his mistake. And unfortunately, he didn't realize it until much later, when it was too late.

Each person lost to him, each burst of unquenchable anger, and every misguided step he took started to grate on his armor, twisting it and breaking it into pieces, and melting it to an unrecognizable form. Every regeneration the Doctor went through helped with this, damaging his disguise even more, as it repaired his physical body instead. The cruelness of life... He looked so much younger than most of his past incarnations, but he felt the opposite. He was so old now; and he felt his age.

Just today even, the Doctor was showing his true colors. All that rage and anger. All those lies he told; but for what? Why did everything come to this?

"You make them so afraid," River had said to him, only a few minutes ago now. "When you began all those years ago, sailing off to see the universe, did you ever think you'd become this? The man who can turn an army around at the mention of his name. Doctor. The word for healer and wise man, throughout the universe. We get that word from you, you know. But if you carry on the way you are, what might that word come to mean? To the people of the Gamma Forests, the word doctor means "mighty warrior." How far you've come. And now they've taken a child, the child of your best friends. And they're going to turn her into a weapon, just to bring you down. And all this, my love, in fear of you."

Thinking of this made the Doctor's hearts ache with guilt and misery. Truth hurts, more than any lie. What would the Doctor think, though... if he could see himself now?

And at this thought, the Doctor shut off his emotional barrier for the first time in a very long while, and cried.

He'd get through this, he told himself. Somehow.

Hope you guys enjoyed it! :D

x~Savannah x