I trail my fingers through the water trying to ignore the impounding memories from last night but it's no use. They won't go away.
The banging on the door brings me back to the present and I slip further into the bath trying to muffle the sound of my irate friend.
"I know you're in there Lenya," Nousky shouts. "You can't hide there forever, you have to come out and face it," she adds talking about the inevitable fact I will have to face James sometime soon.
"At least I can delay my fate," I sharply answer.
"Well, you better not wait too long 'cause I need to use the bath room, I have a good intention of breaking down that door," Nousky shouts back.
Sighing I slowly lift myself out of the bath and get changed; reluctantly I unlock the door to face a rather irate Anoushka.
"I hope you haven't used all the hot water," she grumbles and pushes me aside, leaving me to my thoughts.
After I put my clothes down the laundry shoot and tidy up my side of the room, leaving the plum dress and shoes in heap on the floor.
Scowling I kick the dress, somehow hoping that it will vanish along with the events from last night but it obviously doesn't. I gingerly pick up the dress and wonder what to do with it.
I'll have to ask Kat,I thought If she will talk to me, I add bringing up another trouble from my actions last night.
I've practically ruined my friendship with James, probably made Ivan hate me more and I wonder if Kat will even speak to me. I'm so lost in thought that I don't notice Nousky leaning against the door frame.
"Why did you do it?" she questions, glaring at me.
I flinch away from her glare and shrug. "It was all fake,"I admit looking down at the ground. "We only did it to appease you guys; I didn't want anyone to get hurt."
Nousky shakes her head in disbelief. "You know for someone who often is so brutally honest, you do lie to yourself a lot," she states before exiting the room.
I flinch as the door shuts; that blow hit a lot harder that it is meant to. Taking the dagger from my pocket I spin it around my fingers.
It is when Kat comes in I stop and hide the dagger, but Kat doesn't even look at me as she walks in and picks up the shoes and dress.
I'm about to speak, I don't know for what, maybe to apologise I just couldn't stand the tension but Kat beats me to it.
"Look Lenya, I know you regret what you did but you've really botched it this time." I about to defend myself but she continues "You can't hide away for ever you need to face the consequences, you need to apologise," she insist and then walks out leaving more frustrated.
"I don't need to apologise," I scowl pacing around the room "I was helping us out, I prevented us from getting hurt." I grumble yet some part of me knows it's a lie but I ignore it.
Realising I need to get out of here I run out of my room and straight into James.
James doesn't meet my eye and we both stand there awkwardly for a second before I murmur a quick apology and run of silently cursing.
For the day and a bit I wonder around the palace trying to keep myself occupied by helping people out and avoiding James and Ivan.
For a bit I find myself quite content with helping Babushka decorate the Christmas cake along with Sonya.
"You've changed," Sonya comments as we start to put the marzipan stars on the cake.
"What do you mean?" I ask as I try to level the stars.
Sonya smiles at the memory. "Well if memory serves, you hated anything domestic especially cooking."
"Well, like you just said, I've changed," I state picking up another star, "and it wasn't all my fault," I mutter bitterly crushing the star.
Sonya sighs. "He did it for your own good," she says referring to Dimitri, "even though his methods might have not been the best, he meant you no harm, Lenya," she insists, causing me to roll my eyes and respond with a snarky,
"As if."
Before Sonya could justify her point, Babushka comes in and interrupts our conversation.
"Look at the mess you have made," she exclaims and shoos us away.
It causes both of us to snigger but unfortunately Babushka catches us. "This is not funny, now I have to correct your mess. I hope you feel sorry."
"Yes mama," Sonya says, slightly bored and wanders off.
I smile and go to help but Babushka slaps my hands away. "You go and sort out that problem with your friends." I shake my head and I'm about to protest but she insists, "Go," leaving me no choice but to leave.
I'm reading upside down when Nousky comes back in with Emma and Kat.
"What are you doing?" Emma asks.
I shrug. "I'm bored; I've had nothing to do for a day and a bit."
Kat looks at me expectantly. "You've chose to do nothing and avoid us for a day and a bit."
"I helped Babushka design the cake," I state proudly trying to defend myself against Kat's comment.
But Kat counters back, "Which you messed up too. You have sort it out; you can't just hide here."
I groan and cover my face with my hands. "What should I do?" I ask in defeat.
"Well you can start and get your sorry ass out of this room," Nousky jokes cracking a smile and I realise something.
"You're not mad at me?" I ask warily.
They look at each other and Kat responds "We were never angry just annoyed at you."
"But we still think you're an idiot," Nousky finishes which I accept.
"Why don't you go do some sparring? It'll make you feel better," Emma asks which immediately perks me up
"Sure thing!"
My arrival at the gym is to say the least not welcome. Ivan scowls, James looks away and Chris responds with cocky, "Oh, so she's arrived," which I roll my eyes at.
Emma was right; sparing did lighten up my mood especially after I place some well-aimed kicks on Ivan.
But when it came to spar with James my mood went sour and everyone was tense and I'm glad the Moroi aren't allowed to use Magic because I'm pretty sure my hair would have been burnt off.
After dodging a kick to my face I wrap my arms his neck to try and bring him down but instead he flips me over so I lie on the mat winded and James pins me down , his forearm against my throat.
I look around to see a way out of this knowing I have ten seconds till I've lost and I notice his awkward foot work meaning I could trip him up but I look into James' eyes and see how hurt and angry he is which makes me freeze and I let him win.
Ivan hollers in delight and realisation flashes across James' face that I had let him win and he stands up glowers and storms away. The rest of the others were in slight shock.
Chris comes over and when he pulls me up he whispers in my ear, "Why did you let him win?"
I ignore his question and start to pack up and put away the mats once we had finished and we are about to leave but I stand there.
"Lenya, aren't you coming?" Nousky asks.
I shake myself out of my daze. "Nah, I think I'm going to train some more."
Milo is about to protest as we aren't actually allowed in here but Kat hurries him of calling back, "Just lock up after wards."
I nod and pull out a punching bag from the storage and start to practice, five minutes in I find myself flat on my back with Rose Hathaway looking bemused.
"Guardian Hathaway," I say slightly embarrassed as I scramble up to my feet.
"Rose," she insists and I slowly nod, "that was a nice apology there," she comments.
I nod and place a hand on the punching bag to stop it swaying, "I had to give an apology" I confess and look at the ground, "I was rude that night and unfair."
Rose nods then suddenly she hits the punching bag to my face which I instinctively block. "Good," she remarks, "but your stance is sloppy, you need to have your feet pointing straight, not at an awkward angle otherwise you can trip," she explains and I curse at myself for not correcting myself before.
After a couple more surprise attacks, she pauses, "let's get the mats out," she instructs.
I look at my step mother in disbelief, "b-ut," I stammer, "don't you have a charge," I point out slightly intimidated to face Rose.
Rose laughs. "Liss won't be missing me and don't worry, I'll go easy on you," she jokes.
I sigh and help Rose take out the mats and start to spar. As soon as I'm thinking this isn't so bad, I find myself flat on my back winded.
"Concentrate," she demands, "and keep up your guard, it was slightly sloppy."
I nod I right myself just before she charges at me and I slid aside and neatly dropped her onto the map, I smile in victory and at that moment I'm on my back again.
"Don't gloat when you've think you've won," Rose drills. "Strigoi will not wait for a victory ceremony"
I nod grimly and ingrain that fact into my mind. After a couple more beatings and some certain bruises we put the mats away.
"You did good work there," Rose says and I feel myself smiling out of pride but then I find the pit of guilt in my stomach grow even deeper. You don't deserve this. I sigh and am about to start to speak but suddenly I find I can't and a sharp pain goes through my head.
Don't you dare, a voice warns
Rose looks quizzically and I find a scape goat. "Thanks for helping me"
Rose grins and we start to head out whilst talking of how good Christmas will be and all I can do it smile and nod as the guilt grows deeper.
I lie staring at the embossed celling, sleep not coming easily after a couple of minutes and sit up and decide a walk will settle my mind.
Wandering round the maze of corridors, I cross my arms and look into the pale sunlight that is coming through one of the windows.
Looking quickly around I open it and stick my head out into the crisp air, brushing away the cob webs in my mind. Hearing a door shut I quickly close the window and hide in the shadows.
It's not a guardian that come around the corner it's James who looks just as weary as I'm feeling, letting my curiosity get the better I follow him to one of the libraries.
"Following me Belikov," James' confident call out and I curse realising my tracking skills aren't that good.
"No," I defend crossing my arms some part of me realising this is the first time he has spoken to me since the night of the ball. "I just couldn't sleep, what about you?"
"Ditto," James wearily says as he takes up residence on a window ledge.
I'm about to speak, I don't know what I'm going to say but he beats me there. "That was a funny way to apologise," he comments not looking at me.
I look down to the floor. "I had to apologise in one way or another," I half mutter and when I look up I find him glaring at me.
"For what?" for what he asks calmly. "That you're sorry you left or you're sorry that you hurt me."
I frown unsure where this conversation is going but I stare straight back at him "That I hurt you," I answer keeping voice as steady as I can.
James scoffs and returns to taking an interest in the carpet. "So if that's the case, why did you leave?"
"Is that why you're not speaking to me, because I hurt your stupid pride?" I exclaim and scowl.
James lets out a cold laugh. "You think you know everything but you don't."
This gets on my nerve. "Oh yeah," I shout, "I know the whole reason your angry at me is that I humiliated you."
This causes James to stand up and spit, "You don't know anything about me Belikov."
I take a step back in surprise but I quickly gain my composure, "Oh yes I do, I know that Jessie Zeklos is your uncle and that you always depend on pride and you will never get down from your high horse."
James glares at me and I hold his gaze. "That's rich coming from you" he sneers and advances towards me. "Why didn't you apologise until the day after and even then it wasn't even a proper apology. You were too proud to accept that you were wrong."
"I apologised that way cause it was the only way you could accept it," I screech.
James glowers. "How can you say that if you have no idea what I'm like?" he hisses.
My pride wouldn't let me down so I shout with the only fact I knew to me true, "Well, I know that you hate me!" I bellow straight into his face. We're less than a metre apart.
A weird look comes across James face and his tone drops several degrees of volume and looks me straight in the eye. "I don't hate you."
I can feel myself blushing and I look at the floor "as if" I scoff.
"You're cute when you blush," James says softly causing my head to whip up, causing the blush on my cheeks to deepen and I must have been delusional or extremely tired because I know he's kissing me and I'm not fighting back.
When we pull away we're both breathing deeply and I mutter, "I thought you would never say that."
James smirks and whispers back. "You forced it out of me and I'm not the first one to break promises."
I wince inwardly at the unintentional double meaning but that all flicks through my mind when I find myself kissing James again.
A rather loud and intentional cough breaks us apart, blushing furiously I cautiously look at the figures of off Kat and Nousky who are waiting expectantly.
"You know shouting is a rather good way to wake people up," Kat says nonchalantly as if she hadn't seen the scene before her.
"But you two, seem to do a lot more than hurling insults at each other," Nousky comments smirking, causing my blush to darken even more.
James chuckles and shrugs, "Why are you up so late?" he asks diverting the topic.
Nousky points at me. "We wanted to see if she was okay," and I give them a bewildering look,
"I don't need to be checked on," I exclaim using my hands for emphasis but my comment seems to be ignored as the conversation didn't divert.
"So are you going to give the don't break her heart or I'll kill you speech?" James jokes.
Kat looks unbothered. "No," she plainly states, "cause, Lenya is perfectly capable of killing you herself."
This makes me crack a smile and checking the clock on the wall, I realise how late it is. "Well it's late and I need some sleep," I say yawing exaggerating the moment and use that second of humorous confusion to escape.
As I got into to bed I had this guilty sensation wash over me as I felt like I betrayed someone, shaking my head as well as the feeling and fell asleep.