AN: So, I changed it a tiny bit, I know Beckett is originally the one who walked away from the conversation, and Castle is the one who followed her. But shhh, the story works better this way ;) Beckett is still in a very fragile emotional state, so this is a bit (or very) melodramatic and angsty.


What hurts the most

Was being so close

And havin' so much to say

And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'

What could've been

And not seein' that lovin' you

Is what I was tryin' to do

"I needed some time to just work through everything."

"Josh help you with that?" His tone was cold, bitter. Angry, which he had every right to be.

"We broke up."

It was silent for a moment. Kate thought she saw a flicker of something in Castle's eyes. But before she could figure out what it was, it was gone.

"Three months," he said, his eyes weary. "If you needed that much space, you could have told me. I would have understood."

"I know, but –"

"I don't think you do, Beckett. So I think that I'm gonna need some space, too." Beckett. The use of her last name stung. The last time he saw her, he called her Kate. She wanted to hear his voice say her name again, in the same loving way, but he was gone. She watched Castle cross the street and head towards the park.

Before she could start to cry, Kate bit her lip and turned around, walking back towards her apartment. If she couldn't make everything right with Castle, she could at least get her gun back and start working again. She wasn't supposed to go back to the Precinct for another week, but it wasn't like she had anything else to do anyway. He'd come around. He wasn't the type to hold a grudge or be petty.

A week later, she lay in bed, wide awake. She had her gun back, she even had a new case at the 12th with Ryan and Espo. Everything was returning to normal. Except Castle. She had gotten so sick of looking at his chair and feeling a pain in her heart that she had pushed it into a closet near the breakroom. The boys were smart enough not to say anything. Esposito must have warned Lanie too, because she hadn't made even one "Writer Boy" comment. But everyone else ignoring it didn't ease the heartache.

She had so much she wanted to say to him. So many apologies, for all the times he had been there for her that she had ignored, because it was easier to ignore her feelings than act on them. But the thing that hurt the most was that she had lied to him. She knew he loved her. And she loved him, too. More than she was ready to admit. So she didn't call. For three months, she tried to make sense of everything that happened, putting the pieces together.

They had been so close. She saw the hurt in his eyes and before she could figure out what to say to make everything better, he was gone.

xxxx

It had been three weeks now. Three weeks, and he was still gone. Kate figured at some point, he would give in and come back to the Precinct. Come back to her. She carried that pain in her heart around, but she was slowly getting any better at dealing with it. By now she was good at pretending she was okay. Cases came and went, and she was numb to most of them. Except one where a woman was murdered on the set of an, ahem, adult film. Usually, odd settings like those would amuse her, but all this one did was make her think of what Castle's reaction would be. She had to clench her jaw to keep from breaking down when the murderer turned out to be a guy playing a butler for the little film. A fucking butler in a porn movie? Seriously? It had Castle written all over it. It was like some cosmic force was trying to drive her crazy.

She still lived in some amount of regret every day. When she got dressed in the mornings and saw her scar, she thought of those last few moments before she blacked out. The tears in his eyes as he whispered that he loved her. Asked her not to leave him.

But it was him who had left her.

And then she went back to that day, at the book signing. If she could do-over that moment after the signing, she would. Couldn't he see she was just trying to love him? Granted, she went about it the completely wrong way, but still. She just needed some answers. She thought she would get them when she saw his face, but she only ended up with a hundred more questions and what-ifs.

On top of that, PTSD-induced dreams haunted her almost every night. She was seeing a therapist, and had even mentioned Castle a few times, but it hadn't helped. The truth, as painful as it was admit, was that she loved him. And she wasn't ready to.

He didn't deserve half of her heart, he deserved all of it. The whole damn thing. But while her mother's killer and the sniper that shot her were still out there, she could barely even give him half. And that wasn't fair to him.

xxxx

Five weeks. She had given up on waiting. Her life had reduced down to the most basic cycle: wake up, shower, go to the 12th work, come home, eat, sleep. She had stopped taking long baths and re-reading his novels, or any books at all, for that matter. Even the paper, with the date annoyingly printed on display in the top corner, was no longer on her radar. The glass of red wine she used to enjoy with her dinner each night had been replaced by two or three glasses of throat-burning Scotch. Or vodka. Or nothing. Her eating patterns had become irregular. Two meals some days (very few), none on others. She survived on coffee and bearclaws at the precinct most of the week. You would think that only eating doughnuts would make her gain weight, but instead she was losing it.

Lanie had stopped suggesting that they go grab lunch, or a drink after work. She barely said anything to Kate outside of medical reports on victims, except a 'hello.' Ryan and Espo were the same, all business, no prying. They had stopped trying to pretend everything was okay, because it wasn't.

She didn't know how much longer she could go on like this. She was a wreck, and she knew it. Her therapist had many suggestions on how to move on, but Kate wasn't ready. Moving on was like officially giving up on him. For the same reason she couldn't stop hunting her mother's killer, and the man who shot her.

xxxx

Kate Beckett slammed the door to her apartment and collapsed on the closest piece of furniture, the couch. It was raining, and the rain seemd to be louder on the roof than it usually was. It made her apartment seem large and empty. She normally liked rain, when she got off of work early enough to come home and sit in a hot bath with a book. But it was too late. Almost 11, actually.

Richard Castle came rushing into her mind unexpectedly. She had been trying to keep him out all day, for fear of bursting into tears. It had been 6 weeks. She didn't want to cry, but she had to. Alone in the darkness of her empty apartment, she let it out. It still upset her to go on without him, it did. But it had been so long that she was a bit numb to it. And she didn't want to be. She wanted to miss him like crazy, and love him, and be entitled to grab him in a searing kiss every time he walked through the door of her apartment.

Eventually, she wanted to wake up to him everyday. To kiss him good morning and good night and snuggle on the couch together after long days of work.

Her phone sat on the kitchen counter, just a few feet away from her. And just a short distance from her phone was a half-empty bottle of vodka. Heartbreak or mind-numbing pain? They sounded the same to her. She wanted to call him, but at the same time she wanted to drink until she forgot his name as well as her own.

She frowned at her own thoughts, stopping for a moment to self-reflect. Diving into the bottle? Since when had that ever been appealing to her? Since she lost him.

Kate continued to stare at her kitchen counter, weighing both options. For the time being, she chose neither. Instead, she grabbed a blanket off the end of the couch, kicked off her 5-inch heeled boots, and made herself comfortable. For now, she was going to try and sleep. It may not work, but there was nothing else she could do expect stare at her kitchen and think about how much she wanted him.

She wanted him so much.


What do you guys think? Shall I continue? Maybe follow-up with a chp. from Castle's POV? Bring them together eventually? Or leave this an angsty one-shot?

Reviews are greatly appreciated :)