Ok! One year later from my last update and I'm thinking this is the end. I may do an epilogue if I find it in me, but probably won't. Thank you to anyone who has stuck with this story despite the years it's taken to complete it. I really appreciate it and am sorry that I've let my life get in the way of updating so many times! I'm sorry if the formatting is terrible. I'm in the countryside of Bali right now and the internet is terrible. Also my file as a Google Doc is just not transferring over well.

I'd like to request that some of you writers publish another Laguna/Quistis fic. It's such a fun pairing! It really is. There are so few out there and I'd love to read more! :)

°ºooº°°ºooº°°ºooº°°ºooº°°ºooº°°ºooº°°ºooº°°ºooº°°ºooº°°ºooº°°ºooº°°ºooº°°ºooº°°ºooº°°ºooº°°ºooº°°ºooº°°ºooº°°ºooº°°ºooº°°ºooº°°ºooº°°ºooº°°ºooº°°ºooº°°ºooº°°ºooº°°ºooº°

Chapter 9

Death had come for her. Not hers, obviously, but it might as well been. For with Laguna gone, her life had ended.

At least that was how she'd felt at first. Nothing. Only numbness. Even her thought processes were slowed to an anesthetized state. She couldn't think. To think was to feel. And to feel was pain.

But gradually she came to welcome the pain. And then the anger. Anger toward Squall. Toward Kiros. Toward SeeD. But mainly toward herself. She had walked away and he had died.

They'd told her it had been a bomb. That one of his bodyguards had been strapped with it, apparently not as thoroughly screened as they'd thought. He had decided to detonate it next to Laguna, annihilating himself in the process. A last ditch effort to rid the world of a sorceress-loving president. It shouldn't have surprised her. She knew the world. The true world. Those days of sunshine and bliss in Laguna's warm office had been nothing but an illusion. Or perhaps a distraction. A temporary haven from realities of life.

Esthar had gone into mourning, its citizens in a state of shock not unlike her own. Kiros had remained constant. That he mourned the loss of his friend no one could deny. Nor how easily he'd stepped into the Presidential role either. Too easily, as far as Quistis was concerned. Squall and Zell were forced to hold her back from publicly accusing him at Laguna's state funeral. Indeed it was only a lifetime of obedience to rank that had kept her from fighting them off, that had demanded she seal her lips. Despite a mind mottled with grief she knew Kiros was behind it and that years of friendship hadn't ultimately mattered. He had the presidency now. And a sniveling Arya securely at his side.

Squall found her theory ridiculous, of course. Found her ridiculous. And he hadn't cloaked his language in saying so, disregarding her loss. But then he was mourning too. In his own way. If she had tried to look beyond herself she would have seen he was fighting a battle not unlike her own.

If not for her girlfriends she wouldn't have survived the first month. They never left her alone. She always had a companion, whether it was one sitting for hours at the foot of her bed while she lay there in misery, or another shadowing her visits to the training center where she later found herself physically taking out her anger. There was always a companion, a witness to her grief. Not until several weeks had passed did life begin to stir her heart once more. Then somehow she was able to slip out of Garden alone where she once again found herself sitting at the foot of Nida's empty grave.

Perhaps it was the warmth of the sun's rays upon her face. Or the gentle, embracing breeze filled with the tang of the not so distant sea. Perhaps even the fragrance of newly mown grass. But the thought crept into her mind that there were still things to enjoy. To celebrate. To embrace. And while yes, ultimately the world was a hard, unforgiving place, life, and peace, and joy still had its strongholds within it.

"Oh, Nida. What now?" she asked her friend, wishing he could somehow direct her from beyond the grave. And then she smiled - the first one since the morning she'd thought she'd lost the ability forever - at the thought of him piloting, wondering if he were now still somewhere above the clouds. It wasn't hard to think of him anymore. It didn't hurt so badly. Not like...

Sighing, she stood and stretched and then looked beyond the graveyard to the massive structure of Garden. Squall would soon put her on active duty once again. Only so much time was given a grieving SeeD to mourn the loss of a friend. Or lover. Or anyone. Too much time and the whole organization would find itself immobilized. Nida's wasn't the newest grave scarring the cemetery.

But was she ready? Was she still willing to give her life to SeeD? To continue the fight against a shadowy far-flung future and the present pettiness between nations and those rich enough to demand their way? Or could she step outside and face the world alone. As someone new. To end that part of her life forever.

Three days later she turned in her resignation. Squall didn't seem wholly surprised, nor did he try to convince her to stay.

"What will you do?" he asked, his back turned to her as he gazed out the window of his office. The skies were weeping that afternoon, and his office was as cold as a tomb.

"Travel."

"You'll always be welcome here, if just while passing through. But also if you ever desire to come back. To instruct, to serve, to do anything."

She shivered, and looked around. "Thank you. I doubt I'll ever come back, but I'll always miss this place. It's the only home I remember."

He nodded because he understood. And she wondered if he envied her decision. He didn't have the luxury to walk away. Rinoa must be kept safe and utilizing SeeD was the best way to do so.

"Goodbye Squall."

He didn't respond. Behind his back she rolled her eyes, stood, and silently saluted. She would miss him. They'd experienced too much together for this leaving not to have any effect on her soul. As she turned the doorknob, however, she was surprised when he stopped her.

"Quistis, I…" He turned around and the look on his face was lost, hurt, and confused. And young. So young. Too young to continue to hold up to the pressures his life had continuously hurtled at him.

"What is it?" she asked gently.

"I don't know," he said. He clenched his jaw. "He was a good guy, wasn't he?"

"The very best."

"I didn't hate him. Or blame him." He frowned. "Or really feel much of anything at first. Later he tried to form a relationship, but I wouldn't let him. Didn't want to know him. I just wanted to leave things the way they were. It upset Elle, but I always thought I'd have time to come to terms with him being-" He looked away.

"Your father?".

He nodded. "I wouldn't allow myself to think about him, let alone try and get to know him."

"It's too bad," she said. Perhaps she should have comforted him, said something to ease his guilt, but she didn't. Wouldn't. Laguna deserved better than that. Squall did as well.

He sat at his desk and was silent for so long that Quistis wondered if it wasn't better to just leave. But as she again turned the knob he spoke.

"Before you go will you tell me a little about him? Obviously I know a great deal from twenty years ago, but I know so little of him now."

She winced, not really able to talk of him yet. Squall was asking the impossible. Although Laguna's son deserved something. And Laguna deserved to be remembered. She just couldn't speak.

But she could give Squall a gift. A true gift. A sacrificial gift. Opening up her knapsack, she painfully withdrew Laguna's journal. She hadn't opened it since the hours before she'd known he was dead. Those had been blessed, beautiful hours. Hours when she'd believed in their future and of his love for her. Now to open the book would be like ripping a knife through her heart.

She loathed to give up something that had always been with him. She still imagined she could smell him on the pages, although it was really only the smell of leather, not himself. And she remembered it in his hands. Always in his hands. And the little smiles that would transform his face as he whiled away his hours doing what he loved best.

But Squall was his son and Squall needed his father. Even if he'd realized it too late.

"Here," she said, dropping it onto his desk. "Take it. Perhaps it will help you to finally meet the man who gave up everything. Everything to keep those he loved safe. In that, you are very alike."

Before taking it he eyed it for a moment, as if he were afraid. But eventually he took it and clutched it in his grasp.

"Thank you," he said hoarsely.

She left.

°ºooº°°ºooº°°ºooº°°ºooº°°ºooº°°ºooº°

Her room was stripped bare, not that it had taken much to get it to that state. She wondered if she would one day miss it, this little space she had once called her own. Leaving wasn't exactly as easy at it should be.

"Quistis?" Xu popped her head through the door and gave her a small, sad smile.

"Come in."

She silently entered, looked around, and sighed. "I can't believe you're going through with this. That you're really leaving."

"Yet it's something I should have done long ago. I just didn't know it then, I guess."

Awkwardly they stood in silence, each wrapped up in private thoughts. Then Quistis spoke. "Xu, I want to apologize about not being as happy as I ought to have been for you and Xander. It was selfish of me. Really selfish. I guess I hadn't wanted things to change between us. But they did, solely due to my non acceptance."

Xu shook her head. "It's ok. I understood, although I longed to share with my best friend a few crazy things. But I always, always understood." She smiled. "Seriously, we're good."

Quistis put down her bags and hugged her friend. "I'll miss you, Xu."

"I miss you already."

Together they walked down to the front gates of Garden, laughing at memories they had shared over the past several years. It was good to laugh again, Quistis decided, although it didn't completely feel right. Like it took a little too much effort.

At the gate Xu began to shuffle her feet. "Q, there's something you should know. Although I'm kinda embarrassed to tell you. Actually, I'm beyond mortified!"

"What?" she asked, and then seconds later guessed the truth. "You're the Benefactress of the Secret Library, aren't you? Xu!"

Xu hung her head in shame, but Quistis could see the girl shaking with suppressed mirth. "Yes, I am. But-" she looked up with mocking accusation. "Admit it! You've learned to love women's porn as much as me!"

And that is when Quistis really laughed. A deep, belly laugh unfettered by guilt, regret, or lost love. She laughed and laughed until the tears poured from her eyes, until she had to drop her bags and double over.

"Ah, Xu. Thanks. I needed that."

"Safe travels, Q," Xu replied, picking up the bags and then handing them to her. Laughing, Quistis grasped them and took off down the road to Balamb.

°ºooº°°ºooº°°ºooº°°ºooº°°ºooº°°ºooº°

Traveling opened up her mind and her heart more than anything had yet ever done. At least after him. She walked quite a bit, stopping every few days in this town or that for supplies and human company. Sometimes she hitchhiked and sometimes she traveled by train, moving from city to town, mountains to valleys.

She reclaimed her lost heritage in Dollet, rode the trains of Galbadia, camped on the edge of Lake Obel, and roamed the pine forests of Timber for several months. Her memories, and the memories of others, always unfolded in her mind at whatever location she found herself. And she made a point to add to them, to create new ones, layers upon the old.

She learned to be still, to spend hours in silent contemplation. To dream. And she also spent hours not thinking at all. And yet she was lonely. And she wondered how long the loneliness would last.

Among the flowers of Winhill she felt an intruder. An intruder into memories and circumstances that had nothing to do with her, which she realized was only fair. So she moved on and traveled back to Dollet instead.

That's when her eyes looked northward across the ocean toward Trabia, and she found herself boarding a ship to take her to that icy land. Once there she checked on the progress of its Garden, almost like new, and filled with an energy she found irresistible. Hardship had made its inhabitants strong. But they couldn't induce her to stay.

Instead she traveled further north and west to the Winter Isle, where the hidden community of the Shumi lay. She hoped the tribe would welcome her once again as there she could find him, if only as a statue created long ago.

She hired a bush plane to fly her over to the island. Once it landed she hopped out, crossed her fingers, and headed towards the bulging, domed structure surrounded by a field of ice and snow. The wind whipped her face and the temperature was so cold that within moments her teeth were rattling. She was glad to enter the dwelling, to once again experience warmth. The desolation of that land could wipe the mind clean.

A Shumi was crouched before a fire, but quickly rose upon her arrival, a wide, welcoming smile on his long, humanoid face. "Greetings, Quistis Trepe!" he exclaimed, and she was surprised he knew her name. But then the Shumi were a mysterious race of people, always seeming to know more than her own mankind. Besides, she had visited the tribe three years before. Whether she had met him then she could not say as they were prone to changing their form.

"Greetings," she nodded. A blast of arctic air from the outside blew in from the entrance way. She shivered and then bit her lip. Was it rude to ask for shelter?

"You have come to stay with us?" he must have read her face.

She nodded. "If you are willing to have me."

"We have been expecting you for a very long time. Indeed we were beginning to wonder if you would ever come." He clapped his hands. "But you must be cold and travel weary. Come down to the village and find rest."

Tears sprang to her eyes, and he nodded with understanding. "There is someone you'd like to see," he said.

"Yes," she murmured, remembering the first time she had seen the statue. She and the others had helped the enigmatic Shumi known as Sculptor collect the minerals needed for Laguna's statue. At the time they hadn't known who he really was, let alone his relationship to Squall. All they knew was the vague, shadowy version of his younger self shown to them through the Dream world.

The Shumi had loved him, honored him even, enough to commission Sculptor's work. It had been a shock when they'd entered his workshop. Questions arose about who he really was. Now she knew.

Together they rode the elevator down one thousand feet to the heart of the Shumi Community, an area unknown to most of mankind. As she stepped out she marveled once again at the sun-miming glow produced by rare, underearth minerals and the soft, park-like green setting encapsulated in a cavern of massive size. Here was truly the wonder of the world. An underground oasis crafted by the enigmatic community.

The Shumi took her coat, saying he would see to it, and then brought her to the home of the Elder. She straightened her clothing and ran her fingers through her windswept hair before stepping over the threshold.

Elder she did remember, particularly his courtesy. But she was again surprised by how overjoyed he appeared upon his greeting.

"Your journey was long in coming here, was it not?" he asked. "We've been expecting you for such a long time."

"How did you even know I was coming, Elder?" she asked.

His eyes grew thoughtful as he studied her. "You don't know?" he finally asked.

She shook her head and he nodded. "Then we will leave it be. But may I ask, why did you come?"

Whatever energy she had regained, whatever gladness, seemed to drain immediately at his question. To travel there had seemed like the final act. It wasn't that she wished to move on and forget, but she knew there was no going further until she'd had one last moment to say goodbye.

"To see him one last time, I guess. Even if it's only an image. I'm sure you know what happened. That Laguna.…" She swallowed and again he nodded, waiting for her to continue. "He taught me so much," she explained. "I just want to see him one last time. Even though," she finished lamely, "it's not really him."

"Go where you need to go, child. I won't detain you any longer. May you find what you wish for most in your heart."

"Thank you," she whispered, leaving his home and curtailed statements behind.

°ºooº°°ºooº°°ºooº°°ºooº°°ºooº°°ºooº°

She thought to find the statue in the workshop, but realized it would have been finished and moved long ago. She took the path towards the shop, however, knowing it led through the village square. And it was in the square that she found it, motionless, yet beautiful, a perfect work of art. At its foot a dozen Moombas lazed upon a verdant lawn, their copper fur reflecting fire upon the cold, grey stone. They sprang to their feet upon her approach and eagerly ran towards her, yapping, and nudging her side.

"Laguna. Laguna. Laguna!" they squealed and her eyes began to flow until all that she saw was a blur of red. Falling to her knees, she rammed her fingers through their soft fur and hugged them, alternately sobbing and laughing as they jammed their noses into her face.

Finally she stood, wiped her eyes, and slowly walked over to the foot of the statue.

"Laguna," she whispered looking up. "I'm sorry. I miss you. I love you."

And she felt him then, all around her. Knew that he was with her somehow, if only in spirit. Reaching up, she placed her hand upon his face and prayed that no one else was in the square. The statue was flawless. So much like him, yet not. Despite it, she stepped onto its base, arched up onto her tiptoes, and with trembling lips kissed the stone. Then she flung her arms about it with a sob.

Laughter seemed to shake the cavern. Sudden laughter, healthy and strong.

"All this passion for a statue! Who would have thought stone would be preferable to flesh and blood?"

His laughter. She stiffened for a moment, too scared to turn around. Surely this was the severest, meanest sort of illusion.

"Quistis?" his voice echoed throughout the square.

With a cry she whirled around and saw him. Saw him alive and as beautiful as ever. The blood drained from her face and she stumbled forward, falling into his arms.

It was minutes, ages, before she could find it in herself to speak. All she could do was cling furiously to him, sobbing away the months of heartache and pain. And part of her was scared that it was just another dream, or a bending of reality. But he felt so real. So alive.

"Shhhh, Quistis. I'm really here. It's okay," he murmured against her hair, embracing her as fiercely as she did him.

"But why? I don't understand," she finally cried out and looked up into his face. Tears were shamelessly streaming down his as well, and it looked as if his past few months had been as agonizing as hers. Her anger flared anew. "Why would you let me think you were dead?" she accused.

"I didn't. Well, I didn't mean to. I left you a note in my journal…" He grimaced. "These past months I've vacillated between thinking you didn't really care, or were too angry with the whole situation, and then of course in wondering if you'd even found the note. I mean, I wrote a whole lot in that book and my message was toward the end."

She groaned "I never finished it. It hurt too much." Biting her lip, wishing she had willed herself to cut through the agony of reading it through, she hung her head. "I gave it to Squall."

"I'm so sorry, Quistis. I had meant to tell you everything that last night, but…"

"But I wouldn't let you speak. It's my fault. Everything is my fault."

He smiled a little. "Hardly. You were never meant to have anything to do with this. It was an unforeseen twist to a year old plan. I never intended to fall in love." He tipped her face up, forcing her to look into his eyes. They were filled with guilt and grief. "I'm so sorry, Quistis. Will you ever forgive me?"

"I love you," she said and reached up to cradle his face. That only minutes before she'd been doing the same to stone, and now here he was alive bemused her. Something within her dissipated. The fear she should have dispelled long ago.

"There is nothing to forgive. Your death gave me the strength to finally change. Perhaps this all had to happen. Just promise-"

"Anything!"

She smiled. "That you'll include me from the start in all your crazy plans. And in turn I'll read every word you ever write."

"Deal." Then he kissed her and her world shifted into place, the right place, for the very first time.

°ºooº°°ºooº°°ºooº°°ºooº°°ºooº°°ºooº°

Later they sat entwined upon a rock, enjoying the gurgling, playful chatter of a nearby subterranean creek.

"I'm glad that Kiros really didn't have you killed off," Quistis finally said wryly. "I was ready to come after him. Would have too, had Squall not refrained me."

Laguna laughed, but then sighed. "The whole thing really wasn't his idea, as badly as I know you must think of him. It was mine. I felt it was the only way to salvage our friendship. Several times in the past I'd tried to resign from the presidency, but my cabinet, nor the government, let alone the people, would allow it." He shook his head ruefully. 'Frankly, I never understood why. I was hardly a stellar leader. The only thing I've ever been good at is surrounding myself with good, smart, proficient people. And Kiros has always been the driving force behind my success. But no one seemed to recognize it. That's why I had to come up with a plan."

"A bit of an extreme one, don't you think," she scolded.

"Yeah, but Esthar would never have let me go. And I think Kiros could have dealt with that had his feelings for Arya not been so strong. I never should have let things get out of hand with her, but she pushed and pushed. She is one determined lady. It was so hard to escape, even though I desperately wanted to for my own sake, not just my best friend's."

A moomba crept toward Laguna, put his head on his knee, and whined. Laguna reached down and stroked the creature's fur. It looked up in abject adoration.

He barely noticed. "Anyway, when those terrorists tried taking my life, it got me thinking that perhaps my death was the perfect solution. But," he grinned, 'I didn't exactly wish to die."

"I would hope not!"

"And I sorta longed for freedom. Like I said, I'm not the greatest sort of politician. There's too much dishonesty involved." He coughed. "Although I realize that now sounds a bit hypocritical."

"A bit," she smiled. "But I'll let it pass."

"For so many years I wasn't allowed to leave Esthar due to its closed borders and its utter secrecy. But lately I've longed for access to the rest of world. So I put forth the idea to make Kiros my Vice President, knowing he would immediately be sworn in upon my death. Then I told him my plan, and from there he took over. And while at first he protested, it didn't take too long for him to be on board. Ward was a harder sell, but in the end he could see that I wanted out. Besides, he'd been unhappy for awhile over the rift between Kiros and I."

"So I guess one of your bodyguards didn't really blow you up?"

He smiled. "Nah. The whole lot of them were hired mercenaries. Not of SeeD ilk, mind you, but definitely paid hands. Their true work began after SeeD took care of the real threat. They're now probably enjoying themselves somewhere over in Timber now. It's a good place to find those sorts of men."

"I'll keep that in mind."

"You don't need to. Unless, of course," he looked at her hesitatingly, "you still plan to work for SeeD."

She sighed and snuggled up against him. "No, I don't. I'm done with that sort of life. I just want to explore awhile and then settle down somewhere remote with you. Preferably somewhere near a beach. Although" she said dreamily, looking about their surroundings, "spending some time down here with the Shumis might be nice."

"Yes, but well…" he said, suddenly appearing unsure. "They are a bit, um, old-fashioned in their ways. They won't understand if we, well, um…"

She arched her brow and giggled. "What are you trying to say, Laguna?"

"They'll expect us to marry before a more, um, private reunion occurs."

"Oh! I see!"

"And well, I would like it as well. I realize you might not want to…"

"Why would you think that!?" she exclaimed. She stood and put her hands on her hips and glowered down at him. "It's the only natural conclusion to this chapter in our story. Certainly it's in all those romances you had me read!"

He laughed. "Quistis Trepe," he said, grasping her hand and pulling her down beside him, "while I may not be on par with a romance novel in composing a proper, flowery proposal, I will say this: I am a man who is in love with you. Who would do anything for you. Who longs to see your face every morning when I rise and hear your voice before drifting off into sleep. Marry me?"

"Yes," she whispered. And then for the thousandth time she cried.

°ºooº°°ºooº°°ºooº°°ºooº°°ºooº°°ºooº°

The thought of spending even one night apart was unthinkable. If separated for another moment, what if she lost him forever? She wondered how many days, or even years, would need to pass for that feeling to change. Perhaps it never would. He seemed to feel the same, to also require assurance. His eyes gave it away.

"Shall we ask Elder for his blessing?" she finally asked, pulling Laguna to his feet.

"The Shumi words of binding are short and sweet…" he smiled.

"Then let's say them. I want-" she blushed.

"I want you," he murmured, brushing his lips to her throat. She leaned into him with a sigh, but suddenly he was twirling her about. "Let's go!" he laughed. "I don't want to wait a second longer." Laughing at his madcap ways, with her hand gripped in his, they both ran like children to Elder's dwelling, ready for their souls to be bound for the duration of their lives.

As they neared his hut two familiar voices could be heard.

He stopped short and flinched, then his eyes darted toward hers with uncertainty. But she only laughed and pulled him over the threshold. It took a moment for them to adjust to the sudden dimness, but she hadn't been mistaken. Before them stood a dripping Squall and Rinoa.

"Qustis!" Rinoa squealed and then flew into Quistis and embraced her. "He's here! He's really here!"

Quistis laughed and then looked to see Squall and Laguna, each eyeing the other, the former expressionless, the latter trying his best to remain cool. Suddenly Squall stepped forward and extended his hand. "I'm glad you're alive," he said simply and Laguna grasped it bemused. Words seemed to elude him.

Squall let his hand drop, and then turned to nod at Quistis. "I'd hoped you'd come here once I realized you'd left Trabia Garden." He dug into the satchel at his side and pulled out Laguna's journal. "I got to the last page only two nights ago. And when I did… Well, I was certain you hadn't read so far." He handed the book to Quistis. "I don't need this anymore. I suppose, somehow, that I've been given a second chance." He shifted on his feet with a scowl, but then a small smile appeared. "Plus, I could only stand to read it once."

Laguna then laughed long and hard. Quistis, leaning into him, luxuriated in the richness of the sound until Elder stepped in from the back room.

"It is good to have Laguna's son back to our village," he smiled. "You are just in time!"

"For what?" Squall asked.

"A marriage, of course!"

.