Time heals, love helps

It was a horrible day. The third day after the horrible event. None of the team members could believe it. They all seemed to live in a kind of dreamy trance, protecting themselves against the awful realization that had to come some time soon.
All of them but Gibbs. He just sat at his desk doing nothing, staring at his computer screen. He knew what had happened, knew that it was real, knew it was his fault.
It was just the same thing Tony did.
Or at least they thought so.
It wasn't at all their fault and Gibbs promised to himself and to the spirit of Kate (though he doubted she would hear him) that he would find

Ari Haswari and kill him slowly, in a most painful way.

Gibbs loved every member of his team and he almost couldn't breath.
The guilt and grief he felt were too strong.
If he just had proectet her, as it was his job...
He would be dead if he had took the bullet instead of her and his team would be crying over him instead, but they would remember him as Leroy Jethro Gibbs, their leader who has died to protect them.

But now...
„You would not have been able to stop that bullet", he told himself „be reasonable".
But he couldn't silence the guilt.
Neither could Tony. He had stood right beside her when Kate had been shot.

He had been frozen. And he still was. All this blood from his partner's head had been too much.
He had secretly admired her. Not that he had loved her, he didn't know much about real love and he knew it. But she had been good-looking, with her dark hair and eyes.
„Actually", he thought „she was quite hot!".
But thinking this, immediately hurt. The little word 'was' was like thousands of little knives in his heart and body and in his head, because he hadn't had much sleep lately.
But he knew that he had to accept the fact that his partner was no longer with him. Kate was dead.


Tony was sitting at his desk glaring at nobody in particular.

When he couldn't stand the silence around him and the voices in his head shouting out „You should have saved her! You should be dead! It's all your fuckinf fault!", he decided that he needed to talk to somebody.
His first reaction to that thought would have been to walk over to Kate's desk. She would understand his pain.

He slowly shook his head. He thought he was going insane, thinking about talking to Kate about her own death.
With a sigh he turned his head towards Gibbs. He clearly suffered, but he had a determined, stern look on his face. And anyway, talking to Gibbs about feelings was no good at all.
But who els was there?
McGee? Ugh, no way! He, Tony DiNozzo would never ever tell McGee his feelings. Make him seem weak in front of the this boy?
And Duckie...
Tony had to admit that he quite liked Ducky but he was kind of creepy.
And he feared that Ducky would agree that Kate's death had really been his fault. He wouldn't be able to stand that.
At last he decided to visit Abby in her lab. After all she had been his patner's best friend and he knew Abby needed some comfort as well.
He went into the elevator and pushed the button.
Gibbs had been talking to Abby the night it had happened, so much he knew. Gibbs, who knew exactly how to deal with Abby, the crazy, tough-looking woman who was just a vulnerable girl inside.
He felt a great wave of pity for her but also for himself. He was all alone now, without his partner and friend. His eyes stung and tears leaked onto his skin.