Twas the Night Before Christmas by Peter Burke (and friends) on Christmas Eve.

...

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Burke house

Not a creature was stirring, not even a ...

"Neal, put that present down! Does it have your name on it?"

"No. I was just admiring the wrapping."

"Right, it's sparkly. Down."

The stockings were hung by the chimney with ...

"Really, Suit, it's irresponsible to have synthetic materials so close to an open flame.
You realize stockings originally were made with ..."

"Peter, my decorative stockings are not to be used as a garrote."

"Fine."

In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

"Yes! The sooner the ... What? I love Christmas."

...

"The children—NealMozzieJonesDiana—"

... were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of sugar-plums ...

"Dessert, El's plum pudding with ..."

"Sit. There's only twelve more verses."

"No. No, we are not doing the Twelve Days of Christmas—again! Neal."

"You're no fun, Peter."

And mama in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,

"Ha ... shutting up now."

Had just settled our brains for a long winter's nap.

...

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

"Of course you would, you're a Suit. Bet ya called Diana and Jones for backup too."

"Nah, we were already on scene, Moz."

"Hmmhm."

"Sorry, Boss."

Away to the window I flew like a flash,

Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

...

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow

"Get that look off your face, Neal."

"What? You're the one talking dirty."

"It's part of the ..."

Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer.

"I never got that, why is it miniature?"

"Clinton."

"Yeah, and really ya wouldn't think a miniature sleigh would make that much noise."

"Maybe it was the tiny reindeer, Diana."

"Na, Boss, I've seen real ones; they move kinda quiet."

"You've seen tiny reindeer?"

"No, Mozzie, Diana has not seen tiny reindeer.
Nor is it some government coverup. But I'm starting to think this is a conspiracy."

"No, Peter, to be a conspiracy they would have had to meet prior to now and plot this all out ...
Okay, Hun, maybe you should just continue."

...

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,

I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.

"Remarkable deductive reasoning ..."

"Mozzie!"

"Sorry, Suit. Please continue."

More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:

...

Now ...

"Dasher!"

Now ...

"Dancer!"

Now ...

"Prancer and Vixen!"

On ...

"Comet!"

On ...

"Cupid!"

On ...

"Donner and Blitzen!"

To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!

Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!

"Darn, that reminds me ... Sorry, Mrs. Suit, I'll be back as soon as I can."

"Don't rush."

"Peter!"

"But, El ..."

...

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,

When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.

So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,

With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.

"Peter, a whole verse without interruption. ...
Really Peter, you don't have to scowl at us like that, it kinda ruins the mood for ..."

"Prison. How much would prison ruin your mood?"

"Peter."

"Just thinking out loud again, Hun."

...

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.

"Oh my God, I left Satchmo on the back step. Be right back."

"Don't worry, Elizabeth, I'll make sure Peter doesn't harm anyone before you return."

"Thanks, Diana."

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,

Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.

...

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,

"Fur really isn't politically correct anymore, Peter."

"(Uhhh, Diana, if you're protecting us from Peter, who's protecting you?)"

"Neal, you don't need to whisper, I'm perfectly capa ...
El, do you need any help with Satch? ... I'll be right there."

"I'm pretty sure I didn't hear El say yes. Did you hear her say yes, June?"

"No, dear, and I think Peter would like to continue now."

And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.

A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,

And he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack.

"Now what?"

"Don't worry, Peter, I'll get the door."

"Thanks, Jones."

"Moz? ... (uhhh, sorry) We have a guest, everyone."

"HO! HO! HO!"

"Figures."

"PETER!"

"This is a conspiracy ... all right, all right."

...

His eyes—how they twinkled! His dimples how merry!

His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,

And the synthetic beard of his chin was as white as the snow.

"I'll have you know, Suit, that this is pure angora wool all the way from ..."

"MOZZIE!"

"Sorry. Ho ho ho."

...

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,

And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.

"Now a pipe definitely is not politically correct."

"And not healthy ..."

"And doesn't set a good example ..."

"Big Brother takes other words and lines out of school books, and poetry, and ..."

"Unlike all of you, who insist on adding them!"

"Well you have to admit, Peter, that a pipe really is ..."

"Politically incorrect. Okay ... Neal, everyone, see: I've crossed 'pipe' out.
Happy? Can I please continue?"

"Peter, I don't think anyone was trying to ... uh, go ahead, continue.
(I think he should have done 'How the Grinch ...')"

"Sorry, what was that, Neal? —You like how they cook turkey in prison."

"No. Nope. Nothing, Peter."

He had a broad face and a little round belly,

That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!

"Now what?"

"It's okay, I'll get the door, Peter."

"Hey, nice elf outfit, Sarah."

"Shut up, Neal (El asked; I couldn't say no)."

"Mmmmm."

"Neal, there's no mistletoe hung there."

"No fun, Ebenezer. No fun at all."

...

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,

Soon gave me to know I had nothing to ... Dread.

"Oh, that's so not true."

"Peter, be nice."

"Reading, Hun, reading."

...

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

"Please tell me, Mozzie, that the bag you are carrying is filled with presents, and not from some heist."

"Peter."

And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

"Like in The Sting."

"That was one of my favorite movies."

"Mine too."

"We know, we know. You two, love the Sting."

"You didn't mind it too much when we took De Luca down."

"You did look nice in the tux, Peter."

"Come on, Peter, you have to admit we made a good Redford and Newman."

"Ahhhh, ya made Peter smile, Neal."

"I'm not smiling, Diana."

"You are, Peter."

"Am not, Neal."

"Are too."

"Not."

"Are."

"Nh ..."

"Enough, you two, no more eggnog for either of you."

"Sorry, El."

"Hun ..."

"No. Read."

And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!

...

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew (hint) like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, 'ere he drove out of sight (hint, hint),

"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"

"Encore! Encore!"

"NEAL!"

"What?"

...


Thanks mam711 for saving me from myself and everyone from my "odd" spelling/typo errors.


...

Twas the Night Before Christmas words from the Troy Sentinel 1823

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all thro' the house,

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of sugar plums danc'd in their heads,

And Mama in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,

Had just settled our brains for a long winter's nap-

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,

Tore open the shutters, and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow,

Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below;

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a minature sleigh, and eight tiny rein-deer,

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,

I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.

More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and call'd them by name:

"Now! Dasher, now! Dancer, now! Prancer, and Vixen,

"On! Comet, on! Cupid, on! Dunder and Blixem;

"To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!

"Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"

As dry leaves before the wild hurricane fly,

When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky;

So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,

With the sleigh full of Toys - and St. Nicholas too:

And then in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,

Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound:

He was dress'd all in fur, from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were all tarnish'd with ashes and soot;

A bundle of toys was flung on his back,

And he look'd like a peddler just opening his pack:

His eyes - how they twinkled! his dimples how merry,

His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry;

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,

And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,

And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.

He had a broad face, and a little round belly

That shook when he laugh'd, like a bowl full of jelly:

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

And I laugh'd when I saw him in spite of myself;

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head

Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And fill'd all the stockings; then turn'd with a jerk,

And laying his finger aside of his nose

And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose.

He sprung to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew, like the down of a thistle:

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight-

Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night.