The "boyz from barracks two" aka:"The Sore Losers" are up to their old tricks. And innocent, hard working authors are once again being dragged before the dreaded Fan Fiction Court. Taking exception to their high handed tactics, one author, a veteran of the first trials, enlists the aid of old friends from 1960's TV to teach them a lesson. Please note, that this is a work of fiction - trying this, or anything even remotely like it in real life, could easily get one into "a whole heap of trouble."

That said, This is a work of fan fiction written for my own amusement, without any hope or prospect of monetary reward. I do not own any of the rights to either Hogan's Heroes, Time Tunnel or any other series that might find itself referenced here. Any canon characters used from them are, and will forever remain, the sole properties of someone other than me.


Shaking my head, and taking the name of Hogan in vain, I reached for a cigarette. "First, he drags everyone through a months long trial. Then he throws in the towel. And now he's trying it again?" Lighting up I wonder "And what's Riker doing back in the courtroom. Are we so important that Starfleet is willing to tie up a Galaxy class starship to harass us? Next thing you know they'll be putting our pictures up in every Federation post office in the galaxy."

I chuckle a bit at that last thought. Maybe they'll give us our own section among the most wanted criminals in the universe. Caution - they're Armed -with laptops. And Dangerous - they know how to use them. Again shaking my head at the sometimes convaluted workings of my alleged mind. I pick up my cane and head to the kitchen for more coffee.

Another Camel and coffee later, I go back to the computer and think back to the first trial. I wound up spending almost two months in the Enterprise sickbay after having a heart attack when they tried to serve me. Doctor Crusher had actually used some of my cells to selectively clone me a new heart. For which I was grateful. Ah the miracles of 24th century medicine. But the techniques she used are still theoretical in the early 21st century. You try explaining to a cardiologist how previously documented heart damage suddenly and spontaneously healed itself without coming across as a nut case. Trust me, it ain't easy.

But however good the new heart is, the heart attack that led to my needing it was their fault. First there was that Ferengi process server I clobbered, and unintentionally killed, when he beamed into my home. Worf's angry scowl as he confronted me, at phaser point, in the transporter room must have been the final trigger. And then there was Riker's double dealing in the courtroom. As Newkirk had said at the time, the court cleared me in the Ferengi's death calling it excusable homicide. But Riker wanted to hang me anyway. And while he got into a fair amount of trouble for trying it, based on these new proceedings, he doesn't appear to have learned a thing. Neither has Hogan apparently.

Now I may be an old man. And I might need a cane to get around. But when you start messing with my friends you're messing with me. So Colonel Robert E Hogan and Commander William T Riker, to borrow the immortal words of Gunsmoke's Deputy Festus Hagan, "You mess with my friends, and I'm gonna get all on you like ugly on an ape."

My first call was to invite an old friend for coffee. After some pleasantries, I asked. "Tell me Ann, have you heard about the new fan fiction trials?" "Hasn't everyone?" she answered? "They've been all over the web. Why do you ask?"

"Well there's fiction written about you folks. Ever have a problem with it?"

"Not that I can think of. But then again, Time Tunnel doesn't get nearly as much as Hogan's Heroes or some of the other ones."

"Not your fault, you had a good show. What bothered me was that the writers abandoned Doug and Tony, left them floating out there in time."

"We were all furious about that." And for a moment I thought she was going to cry.

"I remember. And how happy you were when the authors brought them home?"

She stopped crying and looked me in the eye. "Yes they did. And we owe them, big time. But what's your stake in this?"

"I was one of the authors they dragged in the first time. The one that had the heart attack and had to be treated aboard the starship."

"You're El Gringo Loco? You're the one - Oh that scene with Hochstetter on a plate was just priceless. And in your story you - oh that was so deliciously cruel. I just loved it."

"Glad you approve. Because the "boyz from barracks two" are getting too big for their britches again."

"You know how much I like naughty boys."

"And I can think of a few need a really good spanking."

"Oooh" Her voice got low and husky. "Tell me more,"