Merry Christmas all! This is a little something I wrote a few years ago, but never quite got around to posting. I hope you all enjoy reading it, as much as I enjoyed writing it!
Disclaimer: Elfquest belongs to the Pinis, not me. If I owned it Rayek would be the main character, and at least half-a-dozen elves (not counting the entirety of Blue Mountain) would still be alive. Also, no Scouter.
"How the Grinch Stole Christmas" belongs to that great genius Dr. Suess.
Every elf at the Palace liked Midwinter a lot
But Winnowill, who lived nearby in the mountains, did not
She hated Midwinter, the whole of the season
Please don't ask me why, no one quite knows the reason
It could've been that she was morally dead
Or perhaps she just wasn't all right in the head
But I think that the most likely reason of all
Was that her heart was twelve sizes too small
But whatever reason, her heart or her head
She glared down at the Palace, and wished them all dead
Staring down from her cave, with a sharp Glider-frown
At the warm lighted walls, of the sweet elfie-town
For she knew ever elf, down at the Palace beneath
Was oh-so busy, hanging a Midwinter wreath
"I can't believe tomorrow's Midwinter! It's practically here!"
Ugh, I can't stand the happiness, the joy and the cheer!"
Then she hissed, with her fingers nervously drumming
"I have to find some way to keep Midwinter from coming!
Or else I know for certain, just what will occur
Tomorrow night the Wolfriders will cause such a stir!
With their yips and their howls, shaking the night
I won't sleep a wink and I'll look such a fright!"
Hands at her ears, she could just hear the noise
"And that's no good, I like to look hot for my boys!"
She looked into their cave, where Voll and Rayek sat reading
"Besides," she hissed, "I hate them, that's all the reason I'm needing."
And the more Winnowill thought of her enemies' grand clatter
The more she decided, "Not if I have a say in the matter!
Why for three full eights, I've put up with it now
I must stop Midwinter from coming
Then she got an idea
An awful idea
Winno-wicked got a wonderful, awful idea
"Oh I know what to do," she laughed in her throat
"I'll make a quick Santy Claws hat and a coat!"
She chuckled and clucked, "This will make them wish they weren't born!
Why with a hat and this coat, I'll look just like Timmorn!"
You're a mean one, Winnowill
You're as fun as a boil
You're as cuddly as a shapechanged, you're as charming as Madcoil
You're a bad dreamberry, with lots of greasy black seeds
You're a monster, Winnowill
Your heart's an empty hole
Your brain is full of plots and you've got evil in your soul
I wouldn't touch you to shove you down a… fifty-five and a half foot hole
"Now all I need is a reindeer!" Winnowill looked around
Of course since they're scarce, there were none to be found
But did that stop the crazy? It did not, I fear
"I'll just make one myself! Hey, Tenspan! Over here!"
So she took Voll's mount, and she took some black thread
And she tied a great horn on the top of his head
Then she loaded some bags and some sacks, on an old shaky sleigh
And she whistled for Tenspan, "Come on birdy, away!"
And the sleigh started down, and the speed did grow
Down to where the elfies snoozed, in their Palace below
The walls were now dark, no one knew she was there
All the elves were dreaming sweet dreams without care
She moved quick and quite, leaving no trace
'Til she came to the first little room in the place
"This is the first stop!" she gleefully hissed
As she slipped in black-snake-like, empty bags in her fist
She glanced at the Sun-villagers asleep in their beds
And then grinned at the stockings that hung over their head
'These stockings,' she thought, 'are the first thing to go!'
Then she slithered and slunk, in a way so unpleasant
And with quick grabby fingers, stole every last present
And she stuffed them in bags and with flourish galore
She slipped every bag out of the door
You're a vile one, Winnowill
You always steal the fun
You have of the tender sweetness, of old Grohmul Djunn
Given the choice between the two of you, I'd take
The old Djunn himself
You're a rotter, Winnowill
You're the queen, of sinful sots
Your heart's an old troll wart, with horrid yellow spots
You're a three-decker puckernut and itchleaf sandwich, with human alcohol sauce
Then she slunk to the store-room, and she took the elves' feast!
She snatched up the dreamberries, she pilfered the raw meat!
She cleaned out the store-room, as quick as a flash
Why that Winnowill even took the last can of SunVillage Hash™
Then she stuffed all the food out the door with glee
"Now," grinned Winnowill, "I will stuff out the tree!"
And as she pushed, and as she shoved
She heard a small noise, like the coo of a dove
She turned around fast, and she saw a small elf dressed in fluff
"Why Santy Claws?" chirped the girl, "Why are you taking our stuff?"
But you know, that Winnowill was so smart and so slick
That she thought up a lie, and she thought it up quick
"Why my sweet tot," the fake Santy Claws lied,
"all of the tree leaves are falling off of one side.
So I'm getting rid of it for you my sweet little dear,
then I'll go get a new one, and I'll bring it back here."
And her fib fooled the lass, and she patted her head
And she magiced her up and sent her to bed
And when the darling was in bed and out cold
She slunk back and shoved the tree out the threshold
The she went out the door herself, the dirty liar
And the last thing she took, was the log for their fire
And the one bit of food that she left in the place
Was a crumb far too small, to even have taste
Then she did the same thing, to the other elf homes
Taking everything in sight, every gift, every coal
You nauseate me, Winnowill
You're the meanest on the block
You're a crooked jerky jockey, and you drive all into shock
Your soul is a dung heap, overflowing with every sort of horrible trash imaginable
Mangled up, in tangled up knots
You're a foul one, Winnowill
You're a nasty, stinking skunk
You're a golem filled with unwashed socks, your soul is made of gunk
The three words that best describe you, are as follows and I quote:
"Lich. Witch. Bitch!"
It was a quarter to dawn, all the elves still abed
When she took all their things, and put them onto her sled
Ten thousand feet up, up the side of Blue Mountain
She rose with her load, gleefully spoutin'
"I did it!" she cried, "It's finally done!
The Pinis worked against me but at last, I HAVE WON!
In your face Cutter!" she was wickedly humming
"Victory's mine, and it's been a long time coming!
No Midwinter for you, your archer, or your mate
I win and you lose, oh turn-about's great!"
Any moment now, their cries would be clear
She grinned, "That's a noise that I simply must hear!"
She paused, and put a hand to her ear
And she did hear a sound, sharp and clear
"Lifemate?" a voice chilled her, "What did you do?"
Eyes wide she turned, and saw Voll, and Rayek too
"Oh, hello boys." She forced a quick grin
"I thought you were reading, with cocoa within."
Her boys set their mouths, their eyes quite apprehensive
"Win, are those our neighbors presents, and don't get defensive."
The looks in their eyes, and the tone in Voll's voice
Well it just set her off, she just had no choice
"The Wolfriders defied me and for that they must pay!"
Rayek winced and sighed, "Babe, what did the councilor say."
"Oh come on!" she cried, "You hear them each year!
With their noise, and their joy, and their complete lack of fear!"
Sighing in worry, Voll rubbed at his head
It looked as though they wouldn't soon be warm in bed
"Darling please, let it go! You don't need to care!"
"Besides," Rayek ventured, "they're getting armed down there."
A glance over the edge, confirmed what he said
The Wolfriders had gathered below, unhappy and unfed
After a minute she sighed, "Fine, I don't care.
Let them have their Midwinter, just keep them out of my ears and my hair!"
And so quite quickly, Voll righted the wrong
Rayek stayed with Winnowill, he and Cutter still didn't get along
And as dusk fell, and a clamor arose
Winnowill seethed, from her head to her toes
"All of that work, and still I must lose!
What the hell is this, oh High Ones my ears are starting to bruise!"
And as she raged on, her boys slipped behind
Both baring smiles, and a box wrapped in twine
"Win," they cajoled, "We've got something for you."
"I don't care what- … are those… earplugs? Oh boys I knew I loved you two!"
And as Midwinter ended, to the tune of the Wolfrider choir
Winnowill and her boys curled up by the fire
And as she lay snug, some people say
Her heart grew half a size that day