6Ean: As of August 9, 2012, this story has been edited to fix a few mistakes and clear up some confusions. Nothing major, but it could really help the story. So: I do not own Kingdom Hearts or the quotes taken from it. Please enjoy ^_^
+~ Remember Me ~+
A scattered dream that's like a far off memory.
White. White, white, white, white, white. Why was there so much of it? And that beeping. That incessant beeping that was in the background. Why wouldn't it go away?
Where am I? Can you hear me? Are you there?
The sounds are familiar. The smell too. Like lies, fatigue, despair, and death. Like cleanliness and secrets. Like confusion and chaos. Like home.
My name is…
My age is…
Once upon a time, I…
Why can't I remember anything? This bed, these sheets, this cloth- it's so familiar, yet not.
Black. Black, black, black, black, black.
Now that's more like it.
+~ Remember Me ~+
"Vanitas? Are you awake, Vanitas?"
I wake up, but wish I were still asleep. The dreams made so much more sense, no matter how frayed and scattered.
The face above me is unfamiliar. It is female, that I know. Her eyes are blue. Not sky blue, light blue, ocean blue, sapphire blue; just blue. The purest, most basic blue there is.
"I've been waiting for you," she says. "But, of course, you wouldn't know that."
She knows things. She knows that I don't know things. I want to know things.
"You are Vanitas. I am Xion. We are friends."
Friends… a term of endearment. Companions. Colleagues. Coworkers. Pals. Buddies. BFFs. It sounds… odd, like a word similar to what I'm searching for, but not exact. Same with Vanitas. It's not the right name.
"You've been out for a few days. A few more days than usual. Thirteen to be exact. See, thirteen seashells, as promised."
She was right. As I lay on my pillow, I could see thirteen white shells lined up near me. They're sandy; fresh from the ocean. Now that I think about it, I can hear the sounds of water meeting shore nearby. That would explain why my room seemed to be ocean themed. Dolphins swam around the walls near the ceiling. Gauzy blue curtains decorated the window, not even trying to block the sun. But everything else was white. Bright, ugly, dehumanizing white.
"As promised?"
"You don't remember the promise. I know that. We've been through a lot."
Promise… an agreement based on trust.
"You told me the stories last time. I wrote them down. We could read them if you'd like."
"No… I don't want to know. And my name's not Vanitas; it's Roxas."
Something about the way she said it made it sound like she wants to teach me, teach me how to be myself. I don't want that.
"You haven't said that before. You say something different every time. You keep me guessing."
"I'm… Roxas. You're… Xion. We're… friends."
She nods. "For as long as we both forget."
"Forget?" Forget… the lack of memory.
"Yeah. Roxas, we both have… problems. That's why you don't remember anything."
Oh.
+~ Remember Me ~+
The doctors keep coming. They try to tell me who I am. I don't want that. That's who I was. What I am right now is confused.
My name is Roxas. I have a friend named Xion. Both of us have a condition that resembles amnesia, me reacting most recently. My family will visit soon. It's almost Christmas.
My most recent bout was unexpected. We were decorating the tree with lights when BOOM!, I was out.
They say my memory will come back eventually. It always does.
For now I'm here. Apparently, a month doesn't go by where Xion and I don't see each other for one reason or another. I stopped them before they could tell me more.
My wristband says Sora. The doctors call me Sora. When I look in the mirror, I see brown.
My mind says Roxas. Xion calls me Roxas. When I look in the mirror, I think blond.
I don't think I can take this hospital much longer.
+~ Remember Me ~+
They let me out of the hospital today. But just for a short while. My family's not here yet. It will take a few days. I have a dad and a sister, both with blond hair and blue eyes. That sounds right.
I have some munny. A few hundred munny. My family's well off.
The first thing I do is dye my hair blond. Much better.
And the clothes they gave me: shorts in winter? I go into a lavishly decorated shop and trade them in for some long pants with chains. I throw in a wristband with a strange cross with a heart to cover up the ID bracelet. Now I am nobody.
Lights are hung everywhere. Trees and wreaths and candies shaped like canes. Glowing signs read 'Merry Xmas!'
"Watch where you're going shorty!" a voice yells to me.
I turn around, indignant, because it is that man that ran into me. "Merry Xmas to you too, faggot!" The words come from nowhere, but they feel so right.
He stops and looks at me, amusement writ all over his features. "Well, well," he says. "Who do we have hear?"
"Roxas. What's it to y'?" I stare into his eyes, eyes the color of acidic cleaner the doctors use.
"Well I'm Axel! A-X-E-L. Got it memorized?"
"Well I'm leaving. L-E-A-V-I-N-G. Got that memorized?" I turn to walk away from the red haired freak, but he stops me.
"You must think you're pretty badass copying me and wearing those chains."
"And you must think you're pretty badass following me and wearing those tattoos."
He touches the purple mark under his left eye, identical to the one under his right. "Touché."
I move my left arm into an identically crossed position as the right. "Okay."
"So… wanna hang out?"
"I see no reason why not."
+~ Remember Me ~+
Axel and I walk. Lights above us twinkle. The sun sets. We stop for eggnog, but I'm convinced it's spiked, so I rarely sip, no matter how warm and sweet it is.
Songs dance in the air. I follow the source to see a blonde man with a weird guitar-like instrument and a sign that reads: MerryHappyHallow-Easter!
"What is he?"
"He is a bum named Demyx."
"Demyx and you are acquainted?"
"Acquainted? We're best friends!"
"Friends let other friends play street corners for munny?"
"Munny isn't the reason he does that…"
"That's… good?"
"Good's one word for it."
As I stare, a man reading a book knocks into me and spills my eggnog.
"Watch where you're going asswipe!"
"Watch your tongue pedophile. I think we both know that boy's way too young for Xigbar's eggnog."
"You son of a…"
"What are you reading?"
The other man turns and looks at me as if I were an interesting bug. His eyes are disarming with their sea glass like tint. "A Greek Lexicon."
"Is that hard to read?"
"Probably for someone as young and immature as you." With that, he walks away.
"I hate that guy."
"Who was that?"
"His name's Zexion. He thinks he's all that because he's got a degree at a young age."
"… is that good?"
"Extremely. That's why I hate him."
We walk. We talk. We do absolutely nothing.
"Why are those people kissing?" I point to a couple that looks very odd. One has short blond hair while the other has long pink hair. But the one with pink hair looks more masculine…
"Mistletoe. Marluxia's a florist. Most likely he put it there on purpose."
"Mistletoe?"
"A plant that people hang up on Christmas to make an excuse for kissing random strangers."
"What does it look like?"
"Sharp green leaves with red berries."
I look up. "Like that?"
"… Yes Roxas. Exactly like that."
I stare at it. Does this mean I have to kiss Axel? I've never kissed anyone before. Well, not that I remember. Is it normal for boys to kiss?
"Roxas, how old are you?"
I have to think. How old am I? I don't know. "Sixteen." That sounds like a good number. Not as good as thirteen, but that was too young.
"Oh, what the hell." Lips press to mine, and it's… more. More than the nothing I expected. It is magic, fire, flames, drowning, sparks, roses, hurricanes, disasters, experiments, illusions, out-of-control, unreal, artistic, demanding, strong, brutal, chance-y… me.
I was kissing Axel. Axel was kissing me. I am nobody. Axel is kissing nobody.
I pull back. "Thank you. I wanted to know what that was like."
"You wanted to know what it was like to kiss a guy?"
"I wanted to know what it was like to kiss."
"You've never been kissed?"
"Not that I remember."
"… Then you're welcome."
We keep walking. Strangers pass. They aren't strangers to Axel. He knows everybody. I'm nobody.
"Watch." He points one slender finger to the sky. I watch. I watch colors explode on the dark sky, bringing life in their rainbow starbursts. The sky looks like nothing, but it's actually many things. It's possibility, forever. It's perfect. It just took the bright colors of something else to make it see that.
"Fireworks."
"Yeah." There is silence between us as we watch. My hand twitches, cold. It wants to grab his so badly and I don't know why. That isn't new.
"Praise Sandy Claws!"
A voice interrupts the calm, not so silent silence. No matter how quiet Axel and I are, the life of the city goes on around us.
"Who?"
"That's just some kooky old man who thinks he's Santa Claus."
"Who?"
"You know, Santa Claus? Big jolly old man who has kids sit on his lap and sneaks in on Christmas Eve to leave them presents?"
"He sounds scary."
"Yeah, well, kids tend to like him. I'm surprised you've never heard of him."
"Yeah, me too."
"Hey kid, do you have a curfew?"
"Probably."
"When?"
"Probably soon."
"Do you want me to walk you back?"
"… No. I'll be okay by myself." I can't let this man know. He can't know that I'm not Roxas. He can't know that I'm nobody.
+~ Remember Me ~+
"I think I made a new friend."
Xion and I sit on our respective beds across from each other. We share the room with the dolphins. I assume we always have from how familiar we both are with it. Like how I automatically avoid getting off the right side when I use the bathroom at night: turns out it squeaks. Or like how Xion knows exactly when and what channels the good shows are on, though we argue about the definition of 'good.' There are pictures on the wall, old ones that I avoid looking at, of Xion and me held up by multi-colored duct tape; the few specimens of color in the room.
"Am I being replaced?"
"Not at all! I actually think you should meet him. We're meeting up this afternoon."
"Alright, as long as I'm back at two for my tests." She grimaces. The doctors still don't know why we have these black outs. They say that it might be because of out hearts.
Xion's hair is shady, shadowy, and shorn. They test on her more because her amnesia's worse than mine. She still doesn't remember the first for years of her life, and no family claims her.
"Let's leave now."
+~ Remember Me ~+
"I knew you wouldn't forget," Axel says as he spots us. Xion and I are waiting by the clock tower, in the center of this town where no one knows nothing.
"How could I? You made certain I memorized it."
"Who's the chick?" Axel jerks one thumb in the direction of Xion.
"My… roommate. Her name's Xion."
"Hello… Axis?"
"Axel. A-X-E-L. Memorize it."
"That's rich to say to a- (ow!)"
"A what?"
"A…"
"An acquaintance! Xion has a thing against narcissists…"
"Really now doll? Is remembering my name really such a big thing?"
"I need to go…"
"But it's only-! (ow!) Oh, yeah, right…"
"Goodbye, Axel."
"Goodbye, Xion."
"Come on, Axel."
"Where to, Roxas?"
"Ice cream."
+~ Remember Me ~+
I follow Axel, blue ice cream melting in my hand. This blue was sea blue, not sky blue or basic blue. We go up steps that we access from behind a locked gate we hop. The steps are dirty and worn. The chipped corners crumbled beneath Axel's heavy boots. The step end at a flat rooftop, high above the rest.
"Down here."
I follow Axel as he heads down a small access ladder and stops at a ledge.
I follow Axel around the ledge, trying not to look down.
I follow Axel to another, broader, flat ledge and watch him swing a leg and straddle the divider; the only thing between us and empty feet of air.
"Come on."
I follow Axel's example, but that's as far as I'm following. If he falls, I'm staying.
Sky stretches above me, beneath me, in front of me. If this were a map, I'd be an X in the middle of the sky. The cityscape lights up. It's almost Xmas.
"Axel, what's Xmas?"
"Roxas, have you never heard of Christmas?"
"Axel, would I be asking if I had?"
"Roxas, where did you come from that you never heard of Christmas?"
"Axel, will you please answer my question?"
"Roxas, have you ever heard of Ramses of Egypt?"
"Axel, is this really relevant?"
"Roxas, do you want me to answer your question or not?"
"Axel, will you please just get on with it?"
"Roxas, is Xion your girlfriend?"
"Axel, do you want me to push you?"
"Roxas, have you ever celebrated Christmas?"
"Axel, can we please just stop these questions?"
"Roxas, is something wrong?"
"Axel, have you ever known something that you wish you didn't?"
"Roxas, would you like me to stop prying?"
"Axel, do you really have to ask?"
We both sit in silence.
"Roxas, Christmas is a holiday that's been so distorted that it's hardly recognizable. Xmas is just an abbreviation; a word for people who can't remember the full word. I hate those kind of people."
"You hate people who can't remember?"
"I hate people who don't even try to remember. They just go through life as if what happened in the past doesn't matter. Forgetting doesn't make it better. Remember that."
"Axel, what would you do if I left?"
"I'd ask you to always remember me."
"Axel, what would you say if Xion was my girlfriend?"
"I'd say too bad."
"Why?"
"Because, Roxas, you interest me and I think I could fall in love with you."
Whatislove? I want to ask, but now I'm falling too. I'm falling off the roof and into that impossible sky. BecauseIthinkI couldloveyoutoo.
+~ Remember Me ~+
A far off memory that's like a scattered dream
"Vanitas!"
"Sora!"
"Roxas!"
Who am I? Who was I? Who have I been?
+~ Remember Me ~+
"Sora!"
A face hovers above him. The face is familiar. The sapphire blue eyes; not basic blue, not ocean blue, not sky blue. Her blond hair falls over one shoulder and she smiles at him sweetly.
"You look good blonde."
"Namine?"
"Good to see you awake sleepy head!"
Another girl steps into view. Her eyes are the same blue as Namine's, but her hair is the color of fine mahogany wood.
"Why'd you dye your hair? You look good brunette!"
"Don't crowd him."
Another blonde man pulls Namine, his daughter, away.
"Give your brother some space. He might not even remember us yet."
"But he called her Namine!"
"Kairi, could you be any louder?"
The red haired girl's eyes widen.
"Sora remembers me! He's back!"
"Just in time for Christmas too…" the blonde man mutters.
"S- Sora?"
The boy sits up. He wonders why everyone's making a fuss. Did he have another episode? "How long was I out this time?"
"Thirteen days," Xion answers immediately, glancing down at the seashells.
"How…? He passed out on the eighth!"
"Well… he woke up a few days ago. I think he had a mini episode last night. His new friend brought him in."
"New friend…?"
"Roxas!"
"Axel… not right now. He might not remember you."
"Not remember me? Xion, what are you talking about? I just need to see if he's okay."
"Sora's fine."
"Sora…?"
Everyone stares at each other in confusion. Finally, Sora speaks up.
"I'm sorry, but have we met?"
"Roxas…"
"Axel, I think it'd be best if you came with me. I need to explain some things."
+~ Remember Me ~+
"So… that's not Roxas?"
"Roxas was a part of Sora."
"Sora's his real name?"
"The name that body was given, yes."
"Yes? What's really going on?"
"On occasion, Sora has bouts of amnesia. I do as well. But sometimes, rarely really, Sora wakes up as someone else, someone suppressed. Kind of like D.I.D. And when he comes back to himself, he remember none of it."
"It goes away? So you're saying Sora doesn't remember me? And that there is no Roxas?"
"Roxas is gone… for now. Whether he ever comes back is up to Sora."
"Sora knows what's going on?"
"On some level, yes. But we don't talk about it. I once made the mistake of mentioning Vanitas…"
"Vanitas? Is that another personality of his?"
"His personality has nothing to do with it. You don't know Sora or Vanitas, but they're nothing alike." Xion narrows her eyes. "It's hard to believe they're even the same person. Vanitas was –is- so… different."
"Different how?"
"How are they alike? Sora's so happy go lucky and annoying," Xion spits. "Vanitas is dark, and sexy, and mean. He didn't care that I was weak. He made me stronger."
"Stronger emotions than friendship are coming off of you. You loved him, didn't you?" Axel watches the young girl blush.
"With all my heart."
"Hearts are strange things, aren't they?"
"They're cruel, that's what they are. They seem like they're giving you everything you always wished for, and then they snatch it away!"
"Away from under your nose. Yep, I know that feeling."
"Feelings aren't any better."
"Better than nothing."
"Nothing is what's left after they leave you."
"You can't really believe that. There must be something we can do!"
"Do? All we can do is wait and hope they come back one of these times."
"Time is the enemy. Has it ever happened before?"
Xion shakes her head. "Before, he always came back as Sora."
"Sora needs to give up his life for us to have the ones we love, huh? And only one of us gets him. That's rough."
"Rough is finally meeting someone you love and then having them taken from you."
"You're one morbid little doll, aren't you?"
"You can just shut up. How can you be okay with this?"
"This isn't something you can fix, Xion. All we can do is wait."
"Wait and hope. And collect seashells."
+~ Remember Me ~+
Lining up the pieces.
Sora sits in the hospital room alone, trying to make sense of his past. Everything's fine, right? His dad and sister are here. So is his girlfriend. His dad's over his gambling problem. Namine has a scholarship to an art college. Kairi's been his crush since forever. What was wrong?
Well, for starters, there are two days of his life that he can't remember. A strange man claiming to be his friend came in and called him Roxas. Xion keeps calling him Vanitas. He freaking dyed his hair blond!
And this condition won't go away. This isn't the first time he's lost days from his life. He knows Xion knows, but she refuses to tell him. Who is he when he isn't looking?
He looks around the familiar room. The dolphins are still swimming near the ceiling. The bed still squeaks on the right side. Pictures are still taped to the wall. In most, he has brown hair, but there's a curious one where is hair is black and he's smirking while his arm holds a blushing Xion possessively. Who has he been?
MaybeXionhasarecord. The thought enters his mind and there's no stopping it. He needs to find a journal, a diary, anything.
He starts near her bed. The pillow falls to the floor and the mattress lifts. There sets a little black notebook.
Eagerly, he flips through the pages. It starts normally enough, 'I really have no idea what to write. My therapist thinks that this notebook might help with my memory.' but turns to deeper things, 'Ijustwokeupinthehospital.This notebooksaysI'mXion,butwhoamIreally?'to 'Ican'tbelieveIforgotwhoIwas!AtleastSorawasheretokeepmecompany.Toobadhe'stooannoyingforwords.' And finally, 'Sora woke up today, but he wasn't Sora. He said his name was Vanitas, and he was so… different. I like it.' 'I love Vanitas. He said he loves me too. He may be mean, but he's honest and sarcastic and knows me. He went back into a coma today. Who will he wake up as? Will I ever see my Vanitas again?'
Sora hesitates before turning to the next page. Does he really want to know? Yes, he does. 'Sora woke up as someone else today. I hoped beyond hope that it was Vanitas, but he said his name was Roxas. He's different from both of them. He got so mad at the doctor for trying to tell him who he was. He's better than Sora, but still no Vanitas. 'It physically hurt him to turn the page. What was he doing to these people when he was gone? 'Roxas introduced me to his friend Axel today. I don't like him much. He's rude and obnoxious, but I think Roxas' in love. But I thought Sora had a girlfriend? It doesn't really matter. Once he goes back to Sora, Axel will be just like me; desperate and alone.'
He'd hurt them. A part of him, a part of him he didn't even know, had loved them both and still hurt them. How could he do that? But there was no way for him to stop. He loved Kairi. All he could do was keep hurting them.
Had he kissed Xion? Had he held her hand? Had he whispered how much he loved her in her ear? What about Axel? Just the thought of being with a guy makes Sora shiver. It's never been an option for him. When he wasn't himself, was he still cheating?
Sora rips out a piece of paper from the notebook and starts writing.
My name is… Sora
My age is… fifteen
Once upon a time, I… fell in love with a girl named Kairi
My name was… Roxas
My age was… sixteen
Once upon a time, I… felt something for a guy named Axel
My name has been… Vanitas
My age has been… seventeen
Once upon a time, I… seduced a girl named Xion
Each time he has an episode, his life turns into a big fill-in-the-blank. Sora's tired of this game. But all he can do is live his life and wait. It's what he's always done.
"Sora, are you ready?" his dad asks.
"Yeah. Let's go home."
+~ Remember Me ~+
"He's back!"
"He's back?"
"They're back!"
+~ Remember Me ~+
"He's been out for a few days."
"Eight, to be exact."
"Right… you and your seashells."
"Doctor, do you know what's wrong with him?"
The tan, handsome doctor with hair much to gray for his young age shakes his head.
"The only difference between him and others is his heart. It's much stronger than I've ever seen."
"What about mine?"
"The strange thing about yours, Xion, is that it's weaker. I don't know how you're even alive. Maybe the brain just can't handle those two extremes."
"The heart is a mysterious thing."
+~ Remember Me ~+
My eyes flutter open. It feels as if I've been asleep for years.
"Vanitas!"
"Sora!"
"Roxas!"
"… Axel? Xion?"
"Who are you today?"
"Wha…?
Acid green eyes lean over mine.
"Who are you today?"
"Get off me, you creep! Don't I at least get a merry Xmas? I almost died yesterday, y'know!"
"He's back?"
"He's back."
"He's back!"
I look at them all. Why does everyone seem so much more mature? Actually, it's just Axel, Xion, and a blonde girl in the room with me. The window is still frosted with the pale light of winter leaking through. I couldn't've been asleep for too long.
Axel leans down to whisper to me.
"Do you remember what I said?"
"Yeah, I remember everything. I think… well, I won't forget Xmas this time. And I'll never forget you. How could I? So merry Xmas."
He smiles at me.
"Yeah, merry Xmas.
Yours and mine.
+~ Remember Me ~+
Ean: Also! Some aspects of this story were based off of a prompt given to me by the lovely MidnightSchemer13. So a few of the more random points come from that. {Same prompt can be found in the story of mine 'Merry Xmas'.}
Thank you!