Disclimar: I Don't own House or the bit it belongs to Jeff Dunham.
AN: I was watching Jeff Dunham's Christmas special and was inspired i could actually see this happening if it ever would have. this is set during the time house and Cuddy dated. I mean no offense to anyone. This could possibly be a crack fic. if they are way out of character. PS this is my first House fic so be nice
It was tradition at the Hospital for a member of the staff to read a Christmas story the children. It was Lisa Cuddy's turn this year. It took her awhile before she finally found the one she wanted to read.
"Hey Cuddy, Whatcha doing?" House asked bursting in her office as usual
"I just found the book I'm going to read to the children." Cuddy replied
"Can I come as well since I have nothing else to do?" House asked
Cuddy was instantly suspicious of her boyfriend. Since he usually never wanted to do these kind of things last year he tricked Wilson into reading House's story
"Why?" Cuddy asked her eyes narrowed in suspicion.
"I was just trying to spend time with my girlfriend, Jeez" House told her
Deciding to avoid a fight and being late; which is one of her biggest pet peeves she said "Fine as long as you don't do anything stupid"
"Who me?" House asked innocently "I would never"
Rolling her eyes at his smart remark she began making her way to the playroom on the Peds floor were they read the stories each year. When they entered the playroom they found the kids sitting in a semi-circle facing the front. "Weird" House whispered to Cuddy as they walked to the only chair in the room before Cuddy sat. "Awe why do you get a chair? I'm the one who is crippled" House moaned Cuddy ignored him before turning her attention to the kids.
"Good Morning, kids today I will be reading you my favorite Christmas story from when I was little called T'was the Night before Christmas." House groaned Cuddy glared at him.
"And Now T'was the Night before Christmas"
"Now would be a good time for the Muslims to go to the bathroom." House chimed in.
"T'was the Night before Christmas…"
"And all the Jews are at the movies. Or eating Chinese food"
"Will you…" Cuddy trailed off
"What I was just trying to include everybody" House said defensively
"Who the hell says T'was?" House asked
"It's in the story" Cuddy replied
"It's old and stupid." House retorted
"It's tradition" Cuddy told him "T'is it?" House asked the kids laughed
Cuddy stared again "T'was the night before Christmas and all through the house…" "Why is it always a house? Some kids live in apartments." Some kids cheered. "How does Santa get to the kids in apartments Auntie Lisa?" House said all child like. "They have to buzz his ass in" he said answering his own question. He made some buzzing noises. "Santa Clause." The kids roared with laughter
"And all through the apartments" she started giving House a pointed look "Not a creature was stirring…"
"Except for the assholes in 2B, they're dunk and hitting each other with menorahs" House added as if it were the next line. The kids laughed harder.
"Not a creature was stirring not even a mouse."
"Mouse you wish you are in an apartment that's a rat." House said more laughter. Cuddy decided to ignore these interruptions.
"The stockings were hung by the chimney with care…"
"And believe me the room could use some fresh air. Seriously, how the hell did that tradition start?" House asked
"What tradition?" Cuddy asked
"Hanging up dirty laundry and hoping Santa would fill it with goodies. Yuck! I'd like to suck on this candy cane but it smells like dad's feet!" The kids laughed. "Good thing the tradition wasn't jockstraps!" The ones who knew what jockstraps were laughed before telling the confused ones what a jock strap was.
House continued "Sally what did you get in yours? Nuts" the kids roared with laughter "And mommy says they are magically delicious!"
Cuddy had had it. "You are ruining the story." House pulled Cuddy to the side "Cuddy, I'm making them laugh. It reminds them that you are human too not some stuffy department head. "House whispered to Cuddy. Cuddy nodded, it still aggravated her tough.
He came back over and said louder "'Isn't this the part where the kids got sugarplums dancing in their heads?" Cuddy nodded. "What does that mean, I think they're hallucinating. These apartment children are on drugs." The kids laughed again. "Santa's gonna bring me a G.I. Joe…and a bong." The kids cracked up even the ones that lived in apartments.
"With mommy in her kerchief and I in my cap, had just settled down-"
"For a big snort of crack." The kids laughed. "Oh, Foreman, you're in the story too!" Even Cuddy had to chuckle a bit at that one. She did have to admit that House was funny, whether she liked it or not, House was making this day more entertaining.
House turned back to Cuddy. "Oh, you have to get to the part where Santa gets busted for breaking and entering, where the hell is that?"
"It's not breaking and entering!"
"Oh, keep reading, I think it qualifies!" he said in a sing-song voice. The kids laughed again.
"As I drew in my head and was turning around, down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound."
"He fell down?" Cuddy nodded. "Doesn't it say his face is all red?" Cuddy nodded again. "Why does no one ever see this? He is drunk off his ass!" The kids once more roared with laughter
"This is a horrible, horrible story!"
Cuddy stared at House for a second, and then continued on with the story. "He was dressed all in fur from his head to his foot, and his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot."
"That, drinking and driving, in a furry GAY outfit, covered in soot, he's smoking, and you let him in your house because he said he had something for your kids." House shook his head in mock disappointment while the kids laughed. "What the hell kind of mother are you anyway? If I were you, I'd check his I.D. then tazer his fat ass! How fat is this guy anyway? Everyone's always leaving him plates full of cookies. I think he's a diabetic too, don't you think? Just leave him a plate full of insulin, how about that? Can't wait to hear the story next year: The Night before Christmas: Part 2, Santa's on dialysis and he's missing a leg." The whole time, the kids were laughing like mad.
"Can I finish this story?"
"Oh, please do!" he said as if he were begging.
Cuddy took a deep calming breath. "He sprang to his sleigh, and to his team gave a whistle-"
"Gotta go quick, 'cause there's a cop with a pistol." he said it as if it were part of the story and all the kids laughed.
"But I heard him exclaim 'ere he drove out of sight-"
"Merry Christmas to all. Oh crap. I ran over your bike."
When they wrapped the story they heard comment 'Funniest. Story. Ever.' 'I hope there was a recording of this' and 'they could do stand up if they ever wanted' as the kids were leaving "As annoying as that was you did make that entertaining." Cuddy told House. She kissed his cheek "Do that in front of my daughter and I may castrate you." Cuddy to him before she left the room.
Hope you all liked it, So hit that smeaxy button below and leave a review
Happy Christmas and Happy New Year.