So for some reason when I listen to Eminem lately I have been thinking of Race and Spot. This one was really hard to get out of my head so I wrote it. It's not half bad but very twisted. You've been warned. The song is Cleaning out my Closet by Eminem.
"Why are you so fucking irritable?"
Brown eyes met blue and both flashed with anger.
"Why do you keep fucking pestering me?"
The two stood inches apart, their breath mixing together in the cold January air.
"Because I give a damn about you Spot. Is that really such a hard concept to understand?"
Spot snorted and rolled his eyes at this remark.
"No one actually gives a damn about me Racetrack. You may think you do now but in the end you'll realize it's a mistake."
'Just like everyone else' he added in his head but he would never admit that to the hot headed Italian in front of him.
"Why do you assume I'm going to be like everyone else?"
Spot just glared before turning away. Race grabbed his hand and the blonde froze. Race knew it was a bold move, they had not outwardly admitted feelings for each other but everything was there and Race would be damned if he did not take advantage of those feelings.
"Just leave me be."
Spot turned back to Race and could feel himself withdrawing even more. The young man had concern written all over his face and, even if he would not say it or show it, it scared Spot because in the back of his mind he knew that Race was being genuine. That he was not going to use Spot or leave him when things got too deep. Yet, for some reason, Spot could not bring himself to believe it.
"You can't say that. You don't know anything about me."
"I know there's something you're not telling me."
Spot sighed, frustrated. He noticed that Race was still holding his hand and he tried to pull away but Race's grip tightened. Frustration turning to anger he spun back around, pulling the brunette close enough that their foreheads were practically touching.
"You want to know what I'm not telling you?" Spot snapped.
Race, sensing he might have pushed a little to far, tried to back up but Spot was stronger then he looked and kept Race right where he was.
"Spot I just want to help."
"You don't know how to help."
Spot pulled his hand out of Race's now loosened grip and started to walk home. Instead of grabbing his hand this time Race walked with him.
"I can learn."
"You don't want to."
"You're judging again."
Spot did not miss the hurt tone in the other boy's voice and he stopped. He did judge Race, a lot, but he could not help it. Race had grown up in the rich end of town and Spot, well, he lived on the other side of the tracks so to speak. People hated his type, especially rich people, and it still threw him through a loop that Racetrack's family could be so different. Spot sighed and turned back to face his friend.
"It's hard not to when you've been judged your entire life Race."
~~~Have you ever been hated or discriminated against?
I have; I've been protested and demonstrated against
Picket signs for my wicked rhymes, look at the times~~~
"Talk to me?"
Spot shivered a bit and Race immediately felt guilty for not having thought about how worn out his friend's coat was. It could not have been doing much against the falling snow and they had been outside for a good half hour by now.
"Come on, we'll go back to my place and have some hot chocolate while you tell me what's been up your ass lately. I'll drive you home after."
Instead of letting himself think about how it was not much of a home Spot smirked at the remark Race made.
"Nothing but I wouldn't mind having something up there."
Race blushed and Spot just continued to smirk as the two walked back to the Higgan's household.
~~~Sick as the mind of the motherfuckin kid that's behind
All this commotion emotions run deep as ocean's explodin
Tempers flarin from parents just blow 'em off and keep goin~~~
It was only a moment or so before the two boys were standing inside the entrance of Race's home, stamping snow from their boots and taking off their jackets to hang on the hooks on the wall.
"There you boys are. We were starting to wonder if you had been buried in the snowfall," Mrs. Higgen's joked as she popped her head in from the living room.
"We were just talking mama."
"The hot coco mix is already out if you want some."
Race smiled at his mother who went back to watching TV with the rest of his family. Spot always felt awkward around the Higgens family. They always claimed to love him but most days he was sure that they mainly just felt he was their charity case. He had known Race and his family for close to three years now and most of Spot's antics still made them jump slightly. If it were not for the fact that he had fallen head over heels for Race he would not have stuck around.
~~~Not takin nothin from no one give 'em hell long as I'm breathin
Keep kickin ass in the mornin and takin names in the evenin
Leave 'em with a taste as sour as vinegar in they mouth~~~~
Right now, however, Spot was not so sure he was thrilled with Race. The kid did not know when to leave things alone but worse then that Spot was starting to consider telling him. He had never told anyone what went on when he was not at school or one of his friends' houses (though they were more Race's friends then Spot's).
Race started towards the kitchen and Spot followed. He immediately sank into a chair as Race grabbed the milk from the fridge and poured it in an already waiting sauce pan on the stove.
"It's like my mother has a sixth sense," Race mused as he turned the stove on low before sinking into a chair next to Spot.
"So what's wrong Blondie?"
Spot sighed and propped his head on his hand and stared, trying to decide what to do. Race did not flinch, at the point he had gotten used to Spot's attitude and knew that, right now, he was thinking. Race let him think, only getting up to finish making the hot chocolate. As he set the mugs down on the table Spot looked him in the eye.
"You won't understand..."
"Can you please..."
Spot held up his hand and Race halted his interruption.
"But I'll tell you at least some of it."
Race just nodded and kept silent, waiting as Spot sorted things out in his mind.
~~~See they can trigger me, but they'll never figure me out
Look at me now; I bet ya probably sick of me now ain't you momma?
I'm a make you look so ridiculous now~~~
"You, you know my mother and I don't get along already and,and I know you probably think I'm just being a whiny brat sometime," Spot looked at Race who, to his credit, was keeping a straight face. "And I try not to bitch because it does seem stupid and so point less but some days I just can't help it. It...it keeps me from doing, well, other things and, god you're gonna hate me."
By now Spot had his face buried in both hands and Race was pretty sure he was just rambling, unsure of where to really begin. Gently Racetrack placed a hand on his shoulder, causing Spot to flinch. Race immediately took his hand away.
"Come on, lets go up to my room and talk."
Spot did not protest, just grabbed his mug and headed upstairs, Race quickly following.
~~~I'm sorry momma!
I never meant to hurt you!
I never meant to make you cry; but tonight
I'm cleanin out my closet~~~~
The two sat cross legged on Race's bed, facing each other like this was any old conversation. The only difference is that Spot looked a little paler the usual as he twisted to set his mug on the nightstand behind him. Spot sighed and faced his friend, his best friend and the love of his life, knowing that this conversation would have had to happen at some point but had wanted to put it off for as long as possible.
"Race, I...well...there, there might be somethings that are hard to hear and well, if, if you need me to stop just say so."
Racetrack reached across the mattress and grabbed his friends hand and squeezed it, offering up a smile that, no matter his mood, Spot couldn't help returning.
~~~I got some skeletons in my closet
And I don't know if no one knows it
So before they thrown me inside my coffin and close it
I'm a expose it; I'll take you back to '73~~~~
"I don't know my dad, he walked out when I was a baby. It's probably the whole reason my life is as fucked up as it is but maybe not. I mean my mother could have been just as fucked up then as she is now and he had a reason to split. Then again, I don't know. I don't really care. He was a prick for leaving me there with her, even when she wasn't insane then."
~~~I was a baby, maybe I was just a couple of months
My faggot father must have had his panties up in a bunch
Cause he split, I wonder if he even kissed me goodbye
No I don't on second thought I just fuckin wished he would die~~~
"She and I have never seen eye to eye but for so long I tried to make peace. I did everything I could to make her happy but it was never good enough. I remember making her a mother's day card and when she read it she threw it back in my face. She told me that it was a 'fucking piece of shit and she had never wanted to be a mother'. I was eight."
Spot said it all with a blank expression and a blank tone. He was looking past Race but the Italian could tell by the grip on his hand that Spot was having a hard time saying all of it. Race briefly wondered if he could handle everything Spot was going to tell him but knew that he had to try, for Spot's sake.
"I think the only time my mother was ever proud of me was when I started to attract girls. For some reason they flocked to me and she loved having a 'popular' son. The only problem was I didn't like them. I figured out I was gay really quick and I accepted it really easily but I couldn't come out, not at that school. So I just pretended to flirt and be a player. I knew eventually I would have to tell people but it was easy to live that lie but I even managed to fuck that up."
Spot took a deep breath and closed his eyes.
"It was right after I had put in my application to Collegiate. I was stressed out from arguing with my mother and from throwing my self into the application. One of the seniors invited me to a party so I went. I started drinking and my mother texted me, drunk off her ass, pissed that I wasn't home. So I told her I was at a party, it always shut her up because she figured that I was making a name for myself, and therefor herself. It angered me because it wasn't me and somehow, in my drunken state I came to the conclusion that I should sleep with a girl. That when I finally did come out it would only crush her more. So I picked this pretty little girl, Ashley, who had been trying to get with me since school started and chatted her up. She had so many issues that even if she didn't have alcohol in her system it would have been easy to convince her to sleep with me. I...I took her up to the bathroom and I fucked her. It worked so well after because she had a boyfriend who pushed her around so if she could never say anything and I wouldn't."
Spot paused and opened his eyes. He looked at his lap, still unable to meet Racetrack's eyes. It was more then he had wanted to say but once he started he could not stop. He knew that Race had every right to know what he was getting himself into. A few minutes passed and Race was wondering if Spot was going to continue but was afraid to speak. Instead he ran his thumb over Spot's knuckles. He watched as Spot's eyes were drawn to the action and he started his story again.
"But things didn't stay all that great. I can remember when she cornered me in-between classes and told me she was pregnant. I couldn't understand why she was telling me, I figured there was no way it could be mine, she had a boyfriend. It was then she told me that she and her boyfriend hadn't been sleeping together since before the party, that he was sleeping with someone else. I didn't know what to do. She was rambling on about how we could try and raise a baby together but she wasn't going to get rid of it and I just looked her in the eye and told her I was gay. At first she didn't believe me and I don't really blame her. At that point we had left school and were siting at Dunkin' Donuts. She tried to argue with me but when I pres-sited she just seemed to accept it. Eventually she told me that it made a lot of sense and that she wasn't angry. I think she became my first real friend."
Race tried not to let his surprise show but it would not have mattered. Spot had a small smile on his face as he was lost in his memories.
"We decided to keep the baby and we left my being gay out of it when we told her parents. Ashley's family was better off then my mom and I but not by much. The only thing they were angry about was that it was one more mouth to feed in a family of five. She started to show in February and I can remember the first day that I felt the baby kick. I had gotten not only my acceptance letter to Collegiate but the scholarship I needed and Ashley was the only one I had told about possibly going. I remember running to her house so excited and telling her the news. She hugged me tight and then placed my hand on her stomach. The baby kicked against it. To this day I think it's one of the best days of my life. I couldn't hide everything from my mom for long and Ashley went with me when I told her. She flipped. She said I had messed her life up. That I was going to leave her with this kid while I went off to some fancy school and it was all my plan to make her miserable. I was so angry that I couldn't help it. I screamed at her, told her that I was gay and it was her fault. She slapped me and then kicked Ashley and I out."
~~~~I look at Hailie, and I couldn't picture leavin her side
Even if I hated Kim, I grit my teeth and I'd try
To make it work with her at least for Hailie's sake
I maybe made some mistakes
But I'm only human, but I'm man enough to face them today~~~~
"Word got out that I was gay and the last few months of school were hell. I was staying at Ash's at that point and it was late the Friday after graduation when she went into labor. Three hours at the hospital and when they placed that little girl in my hands my heart was done. Every bad ass reputation I had built up, and still managed to keep, might as well have been gone because she had me wrapped around her finger. We named her Erica and we did fine for the first couple of weeks till Ashley's father lost his job. They couldn't afford to keep paying rent and they were moving in with her mother's sister out in Massachusetts. Ashley loved Erica but her aunt wasn't going to let her move in if she brought a baby and I couldn't let her stay here. I didn't have a home, I knew I would have to beg my mother to take me back, and I couldn't put Ashley through that. Besides she had a better life waiting for her. Her aunt had money, would pay for her to go to school. Neither of us wanted to give Erica up, we couldn't let her go into some crappy foster home so I made a phone call to my grandparents. They're rich, infact they only live a couple of streets down from here."
Racetrack's eyes widened at this information. He knew most of his neighbors, not well, but they all exchanged Christmas cards and went to various parties. It shocked him to think that he could know these people.
"They hated my mother and I and I knew I was going out on a limb on asking them to take Erica. I went to their house with Ashley only a few days before she was supposed to move and reluctantly they listened to everything they had to say. They weren't thrilled by any means but after seeing their granddaughter they couldn't say no. They told Ashley that if she came to visit she was more then welcome to come see Erica with me but I had to follow a strict set of rules if I wanted to see her. I had to keep A's and high B's in school. I couldn't smoke around her, I couldn't swear, I wasn't allowed to bring my friend's over to see her, and I had to get a job to help pay for care. I was so happy to have somewhere for Erica to go that I didn't care. I went and got a job at Best Buy and every day for the rest of the summer I was over there playing with her and it would break my heart every time I had to go back to my mother's."
"But they're your grandparents!"
Spot looked up, startled at Race's outburst. Race had startled himself as well.
"They should just help you. Hell you should be living with them and they should be paying for your school if they're that rich."
"You don't get it. They're old money. They had to work for everything they have and they think that is how everyone should get their money. They hate my mother because she's the opposite of everything they believe in. I think one of the reason's they sort of accept me is because I worked so hard to get into Collegiate and because I work so hard at my job. I almost lost their respect when I beat the shit out of my mother's boyfriend."
"I did. He was in my face about being a fag and having to wear a uniform at some stupid ass prep school. He was shoving me around for thinking I was better then everyone else while I was trying to make dinner and study for a test. I snapped and hit him. I was on top of him, I'm pretty sure I broke his nose. My mother was screaming, trying to break us apart and I hit her, trying to get her away. When the guy finally managed to shove me into a wall. He chocked me and almost had me unconscious when I managed to knee him in the stomach. He dropped me and I forced myself to run. I hid at a buddy of mine's place for a few days while things died down. My mother had called my grandparents and told them everything. It took me a week to convince them that I was just defending myself and that I wouldn't do it again."
"That's why you went missing for a week freshman year."
"And that's why you let people push you around."
Spot nodded his head in shame.
~~~~~What I did was stupid, no doubt it was dumb
But the smartest shit I did was take the bullets outta that gun
Cause I'da killed him; shit I woulda shot them both
It's my life, I'd like to welcome y'all to the show~~~~
"Why didn't you call child services? They would have placed you with your grandparents and then everything would have worked out."
"Cause she's my mother. I love her for all she's a bitch. I'm alive and doing well for myself so somewhere along the line she must have done something right. It's just hard to grow up with all this shit going on and now end up fucked up in someway you know?"
~~~Now I would never diss my own momma just to get recognition
Take a second to listen for who you think this record is dissin
But put yourself in my position; just try to envision
Witnessin your momma poppin prescription pills in the kitchen~~~~
"She was always putting me down and telling me that I was a bad kid. More then once she beat the shit out of me and so did her various boyfriends. She used to claim she was sick and would use it as an excuse to get more pills. We moved probably three or four times when I was really little before the government was able to keep us in one house. She would blame it on me. I know better now but it's been really hard to get over it."
~~~Bitchin that someone's always goin throuh her purse and shit's missin
Goin through public housin systems, victim of Munchausen's Syndrome
My whole life I was made to believe I was sick when I wasn't
'Til I grew up, now I blew up, it makes you sick to ya stomach~~~~
"She keeps trying to explain why she did everything. Like if she can convince me of her reasons it'll erase everything that happened. She made me this cd for my birthday filled with the most random songs. She told me it was supposed to make things right between us because I would listen to I and understand her and how much she loved me. I tossed it out the trashcan after the firs couple of songs. It was such a load of bullshit."
~~~~Doesn't it? Wasn't it the reason you made that CD for me Ma?
So you could try to justify the way you treated me Ma?
But guess what? You're gettin older now and it's cold when your lonely~~~
"I have a younger bother, from that bastard I beat up. I love him to death but mom keeps trying to convince him that she's perfect and I'm the fucked up one. It worked for awhile but he's almost twelve and finally starting to realize she's lied to him. She hasn't met Erica once and I plan to keep it that way. That girl will never know anything about her grandmother."
~~And Nathan's growin up so quick he's gonna know that your phony
And Hailie's gettin so big now; you should see her, she's beautiful
But you'll never see her - she won't even be at your funeral!~~~~
"But won't she question why she doesn't have one?"
"I'll make something up."
Race bit his tongue. He would not tell his friend that the plan was not a great one because he was pretty sure Spot would not listen, especially not in his current emotional state.
"The worst part is I know she's only being nice because she wants my money. She knows I've been saving to move out when I turn eighteen. She says I owe her. That she's been putting up with me for years and the least I can do is pay her back. I wish I knew where she got these ideas. It must be nice to live in a delusion," He laughed. "I told her that and she lost it. Screamed for hours about how she wished I was the one dead instead of that stupid boyfriend of hers. I just sat and tuned her out."
~~~~See what hurts me the most is you won't admit you was wrong
Bitch do your song - keep tellin yourself that you was a mom!
But how dare you try to take what you didn't help me to get
You selfish bitch; I hope you fuckin burn in hell for this shit
Remember when Ronnie died and you said you wished it was me?
Well guess what, I am dead - dead to you as can be!~~~
Spot was still looking at his and Race's hands, the other hand nervously picking at a lose thread in the comforter. The two sat in silence for a few minutes as Race thought it all over. He knew that Spot had had a few run ins with the cops, that Spot had smoked pot before starting high-school and had other things like trespassing on his record but having a kid and actually having been pushed around in his own home, it was more then he expected.
Spot started to get uncomfortable. He knew he should not have told Race everything. He made to pull his hand out of Racetrack's, made to get off the bed and leave. He could not face anymore rejection from someone he loved but was stopped when Race pulled him into a hug. Race wrapped his arms around Spot as tight as he could. Spot was shocked, unable to move.
"Sean Patrick Colon, you are not a fuck up. You are the most amazing man I know and for you to turn out so perfect despite everything you've been through, well there are no words."
Race pulled out of the hug and leaned back to look Spot in the face, holding him by his shoulders.
"I'm really not."
"You are. If you weren't I wouldn't love you."
Spot looked up, startled.
Race blushed. He had not really wanted to tell Spot just how hard he had fallen but it had slipped out and now Racetrack was caught.
"I love you. I really do. You're my best friend and, well, I want you to be more. I don't know what I would do if you weren't in my life."
Spot just let a small smile grace his lips. Racetrack smiled in return. He knew Spot was done with talking about anything emotional for now so instead of waiting for a reply he scooted off the bed. An hour had passed by and he knew that his parent's would not be thrilled with him driving in the snow so he had to get their permission for Spot to spend the night.
"I'll be right back."
Spot nodded as Race gathered their empty mugs and went downstairs. His parents were in the kitchen, making sure the coffee was ready morning.
"There you are Tony. Sean isn't here still is he?"
"He is dad."
"I hope you don't plan on driving him home in this weather."
"No I was kind of hoping he could spend he night."
Racetrack's parents exchanged a look that he could not quite decipher.
"Of course honey. If you want you can get the aerobed from the closet and he can spend the night in your room rather then the guest room. Just make sure you bring him plenty of blankets and pillows. Oh and lend him a pair of your pajamas."
Race smiled and kissed his mother's cheek.
"Yes mamma. Goodnight."
Race grabbed everything he needed from the hall closet and hurried back upstairs.
"What's all that?" Spot asked.
"You're spending the night."
"Blow this up."
"You sure that's what you want me to blow?"
Race rolled his eyes as he tossed the inflatable bed on the floor and Spot went to set it up. Racetrack went to grab Spot a pair of pajamas from the closet and paused when he spotted his last Christmas gift off in the corner. Without giving it a second thought he grabbed it from the floor. He turned back to his room in time to see Spot sitting on the aero-bed as he inflated it.
Spot just shot him a go to hell look. Race smiled and set the things he was carrying on the bed. He grabbed the sheets and went to make up the bed.
"What's that?" Spot asked, inclining his head towards the present as he moved from his bed.
"It's your Christmas present."
"But it's still three weeks away."
"Just open it."
Spot could not remember the last time he had gotten a present from anyone. He sat on Races' bed and just stared, to shocked to unwrap it.
"Do you need some help?"
Race smirked when Spot jumped. It was not often that he got to shock the other boy and it felt nice to do so. Spot recovered quickly.
"No I was just in shock of your shitty wrapping job."
"Oh bite me."
"Well if you really want," Spot taunted as he started to tear at the paper.
"In your dreams."
"You know it."
Spot removed the wrapping to reveal a box, much like someone would put clothes in. He could feel Racetrack's eyes on him as he lifted the lid and he wondered what could possibly be in the box that had Race so nervous. When he saw what was inside he just stared. Sitting in the box was a gray wool coat. He lifted it out of the box and held it up to get a better look. There were three silver buttons running up the front and two pockets that buttoned on either side. Sewn inside the collar was a hood that looked and felt like it belonged on a hoodie. Where the actual jacket collar opened up the hood zipped and there were drawstrings on either side of the hood to tighten in.
"I know it's not much but you need a new one and when I saw it I couldn't not get it," Race told him as he sat next to Spot.
Spot could not help it. He set the coat down and pulled Race into a hug. For a moment Race did not move but it did not take him long to wrap his arms around the other boy's neck. They sat like that for a few minutes, each enjoying being so close to the other. When they did finally pull a way they smiled at each other.
"It's not a big deal."
"But I didn't get you anything."
"I don't need anything."
Spot shrugged, not sure what to say to that. The two finished getting ready for bed, playfully bantering back and forth but nothing more. By the time they crawled into bed it was close to midnight. Spot lay there in the dark, listening as Racetrack's breathing evened out, indicating that he had fallen asleep. He never slept well, having suffered insomnia for as long as he could remember. Spot tossed and turned for a good half hour or more before he finally gave up. Slipping from the covers of his bed he padded over to Race's bed and crawled under the covers next to him. Settling next to the other boy he wrapped and arms around his waist and breathed in his scent.
Race had woken up when he felt the mattress shift. He lay there, knowing it was Spot, afraid that if he said something Spot would change his mind. He had never proven it but Race was almost positive the other boy suffered from insomnia and now was his chance to help with that. When he felt the arm wrap around his waist he smiled and rolled over, wrapping an arm around Spot's waist.
"I'm sorry I woke you."
"I can't sleep. I hope you don't mind."
"Not at all."
They lay there, looking at each other for a few moments.
"Being here. Listening to. Loving me."
"It's not a big deal Spot."
"It still means something to me."
Race maneuvered his arm so that he could run his hand through Spot's hair.
"If my parent's agree do you want to come live here."
Spot closed his eyes, enjoying having his hair played with.
"I would love to."
Another few moments passed in silence. Race was almost asleep again when Spot spoke up.
"I'm supposed to go see Erica tomorrow and, well, I was wondering if you wanted to come."
Race opened his eyes. Even though the room was pitch black Spot's blue eyes stood out like a beacon.
"If you're sure you want me to go."
"Well if we're going to date you should meet her."
Race just smiled, to tired to even think about what Spot had said. He tilted his head forward and kissed Spot's forehead.
"Ok. We'll talk more in the morning."and in a few moments had fallent
Spot nodded, a uncharacteristic blush creeping across his cheeks. In a few moments Race was alseep, he hand still wrapped loosely in Spot's hair. Spot sighed, not just content but truly happy for the first time in he could not remember how long. It was not long before he, too, had fallen asleep.
~~~I'm sorry momma!
I never meant to hurt you!
I never meant to make you cry; but tonight
I'm cleanin out my closet~~~~