It's getting worse. I can't stop thinking about him. Everywhere I turn everywhere I look he's there. Oh I don't know what to do anymore. Diary I am truly a dreadful wife, I know I am, but the worst part of it all is I would act upon my hearts desires in a heartbeat if he just gave me a sign anything whether it a lingering gaze to a simple touch. He makes me weak, he makes me want him, need him, crave him long for him and I can't stop, I don't want to stop. He unknowingly dismisses my rational thoughts whilst unknowingly stealing the last bearings of self control that still remain. I need release, to feel for filled in every way humanly possible; I need him!
Wait have I already mentioned what happened yesterday? I...I don't think I have...So fortunately for you I shall gladly run through it. It was him; he was standing in my morgue whilst I was briefing him on my discoveries on our latest case together. I was explaining to him about how the angle of trajectory made me come to the conclusion the un-sub was of average build and approximately 5 foot 6 most likely a male whom was right handed. After this I broke my concentration from the body and onto the sink where I was to clean my blood soaked hands when it happened! I looked up from my station at the time and found him looking at me; I actually caught him looking at me! His eyes where fixed on me as though he was inspecting me; examining every inch of me. I felt a chill race through my body. The blood in my veins begging to boil. He made my body crazy; my mind clouded. With all this going on I failed to hear him calling my name. Oh how I long for him. I swear the need grows more intense every time I see him.
Sometimes I wish I never left Toronto. I wish that I had stayed and that he had spoken his true feeling toward me. Did you know Diary he was going to propose to me! To me! Children or no. Unfortunately I was gone and he was just too late. It kills me every time I recall it.
Lately I've found my mind drifting back to thoughts of William whilst I'm having lunch with Darcy; whilst my husband is talking to me. Oh Detective if only you knew what you do to me... Oh my stars and tonight I wished I had died then and there, on the very spot I stood upon! I called Darcy William! Luckily I managed –God only knows how, but I managed none the less to dig myself out of it. However, I believe it may have had something to do with the fact that I'd casually began to change the conversation after however the sudden outburst of the wrong names being blurted out( I couldn't help it, it was on my tongue on minute and out of my mouth the next I swear. It wasn't intentional; honest!) By this I purely mean that I began talking about my day and how William had found some key information on the case we where working rather than how Darcy had found a penny on the floor. Enthralling, I know right? Ha
As you can hopefully tell conversation is bleak with Darcy It's all work related or just plain rubbish meanwhile, when I find myself talking with William we can talk about everything whilst talking about absolutely nothing in particular. It's quite refreshing. The fact that William manages to do a better job of impressing me than Darcy is a some what intriguing concept don't you think?
I don't even have to have a conversation with William so to speak. I know all of this is going to sound all oh so Cliché but the God honest truth is I couldn't care less! I feel as though when I'm with him all I have to do is look into his eyes and we're communicating. It's so romantic.
Another thing was when his hand accidently brushed past mine whilst he was taking the report out of my grasp earlier today. I still find my mind in total turmoil when I lay beside a peaceful and sleeping Darcy and think of William. It had been the most innocent of touches, but I tremble every time I think about it; about him! The best part is I believe that on some level William feels the same.
I know I've already mentioned the visions I've had. I'm fully aware I've written about the visions years ago it's just I need to confine in someone/ something it's just they haven't began to deteriorated as expected alas they have only gotten worse; but I love it. Is that bad of me? – Oh of course it is what am I even thinking- I'm married to Darcy till death do us part. Be faithful to him as long as we both shall live.
But I often find myself wondering however, if just a simple fantasy can make me grow flustered what would the real thing be like.
Oh Dairy I can't stand the sexual tension anymore! I need to let him know how I feel whilst remaining silent! Perhaps I could try and drop a couple of sutal hints? That may very well work; might-en it?
Oh who am I kidding William although he is a brilliant Detective he knows nothing when it comes to women. Especially not me anyway or he would know how much I want him. No matter how objects! So sutal hints no longer seem like a plausible option as they will merely fly right over the mans head, never mind register in that wonderful mind of his.
I'll tell you another thing Dairy, Ruby wasn't half wrong about him being a fine specimen and all. In fact he's far from fine as it happens you see I find him to be more along the lines of perfect.
William in my eyes is the soul definition of perfect. And one day he will be mine and I shall be his!
Do you think Diary that if I had been compliant with his needs at the park that night...You know when he was enticed with alcohol (absinth to be precise) we would be together now?
Perhaps that's the solution. Perhaps all I need is to persuade William to come around and have dinner with me whilst Darcy is away and well...I know it's appalling of me but to... have him consume absinth perhaps we would achieve as much as we did last time and if not more. Oh wouldn't be marvellous, spectacular! Alas I'm afraid I shalt be going that far. The last think I want is him thinking is that I'm some type of cycopath. Perhaps all of this is just the simple equation for a heart break, none the less I shall remain persistent, as a heart break is merely another name for a sham which is exactly what I am living now!
Well Diary it's getting late so I'll be sure to fill you in tomorrow if I've thought of anything worth actually trying. Wish me luck – Because, I'm bound to need it. All my love Julia xxx