Summary: Eugene and Rapunzel are finally getting married. And not everyone is happy about it.
Note* - A series of shorts leading up the wedding of Eugene and Rapunzel; I'll add to them as I get inspired, but I may or may not continue this series.
We Do (They Don't)
The captain of the Corona guards eyed his troops wearily. It was going to be a long day.
"Straighten your helmet, Rogers."
"Stand up straight, Wilmington."
"Sir, I mean, yes sir!" Conli cried, ever so timidly. The boy really still hadn't grown in his backbone. Either that or he slumped over so much, it fell out of his back while he wasn't looking.
The captain sighed. "You don't have to squeak like some sort of mouse every time I call your name, Conli. I'm not going to bite you. I was just going to tell you to move a little to your left – you're practically standing on Hardwick's foot there."
Meekly, Conli did as asked.
"At ease, gentlemen." Best to get this over with as soon as possible.
The captain cleared his throat. "Now men, I've called you all here today for a very important reason. It's occurred to me that there are well, uh, certain concerns going around the kingdom about, well, the princess's upcoming wedding."
The captain paused dramatically, expecting one of the recruits to interrupt but no one did.
"I know you all have, er, questions about, well, things so no reason to hold them off any longer, let's just get to them so we can deal with this and have it out of the way."
One of the younger recruits looked hesitant. "Sir…so it's true then? The princess is really going to marry Flynn Rider?"
All the soldiers looked at their fearless leader, desperate to chime in. But of course they knew better to talk while the captain tried to answer a question.
The captain blew out his breath. "Yes, it's true," he admitted. "Apparently the princess's...experiences with Rider aren't exactly as criminally mischievous as they were before when he was a thief." He wrinkled his nose contemptuously.
"Now I know this whole thing is very sudden and unexpected, but she insists that Eugene is now on the track to solid redemption. Additionally, the King and Queen have given him a full pardon for all his crimes...however extensive as they may be," he added mutinously, almost to himself.
Well, one must let bygones be bygones, then again. "Therefore, like it or not, we must abide by their wishes and treat him as one of the royal family to be."
Conli raised his hand. "Um…sir?"
"Yes, Conli, what is it?" At least the boy was finally speaking up. Good. It had taken him almost three months after he joined to speak up for the first time.
"I – I have a question about a certain matter, of, um, possible impropriety."
"Oh, for goodness sake Conli, kindly discuss your etiquette questions with one of the royal handmaidens. We've got important business to discuss here!"
"No, no, it's not that!" Conli hurriedly added. "I just, well, that is, I wanted to know-well, um-"
"Spit it out, boy!"
"Er, Mr. Rider invited me to his bachelor party at the Snuggly Duckling. Would it be, er, inappropriate if I – I go?"
The captain blinked.
Unbelievable! He himself could barely stand the obnoxious punk that was Rider, and here Conli was going to go to his bachelor party?
Not knowing what to say, the captain shook his head and looked around the room. The expressions on his recruits' faces ranged from shock to amusement to outright mirth. In fact he could've sworn he'd just heard someone snicker.
"Do whatever you feel like doing, Conli. And since you're there, make sure Rider doesn't make off with any of the silver, okay?"
"I don't believe the Snuggly Duckling has any silver, sir," piped in Hardwick rather earnestly. "More like tarnished copper."
"And rusty steel."
"Trees, too. Did you see that place? So weird, tree branches everywhere! How can anyone even drink in there much less eat when you can't even sit at the bar without getting hit in the face by a maple branch, I swear one of the branches had ferrets on it, too-"
"And birds! Was it birds? Crows, I think-"
"Ferrets? Skunks? All kinds of crazy animals in there, how can anyone even stand to set foot in the place-"
"That's nothing, you think that's bad, you see the barrels with the green tails in it? Ugh! Snakes or eels, I'm not sure..."
"Enough!" The captain stormed irritably. "I don't care what they're eating with or sitting on or drinking from or what forms of wildlife are currently keeping them company in there. Conli, just keep an eye on Rider and make sure to nab him the second you see him doing anything suspicious, understand? Yes, Hardison, what is it?"
"Should Conli arrest Rider if he leaves the toilet seat up, sir?"
"Or he belches while he's having his mead?"
"Or, er, makes wind after he's had his bean soup?"
"Or whistles at the barmaids?"
"He can't do that, he might as well arrest every single thug in the pub, then!"
The captain covered his head with his hands. Yes, this was going to be a very long day.