Soul's Wonderfully Magical Adventure of Wonder & Magic

Today was SUPPOSED to be a good day for Soul. The students at the DWMA had the day off, so there was no mission, and Maka was out of town visiting her mother meaning he could sleep in as late as he wanted. So what could POSSIBLY ruin the makings for what should be a perfect day…?

Well, many things can do that actually. It all started when he felt a slight discomfort in the small of his back… Which was caused by his two "friends," Blackstar and Patti Thompson, as they jumped up and down on his spine…

After finally getting off Blackstar began, "Hey…! Soul…! Hey Soul wake up!"

Followed by Patti, "Yeah Charlie, you silly sleepyhead! Wake up!"

Once the snow-haired weapon adjusted his eyes he grumbled, "Oh Zombie Jesus, it's you guys… (Groans) THIS BETTER BE IMPORTANT DAMMIT! Did Dr. Stein go on a dissection spree again?"

"No Soul," the blue-haired ninja explained, "We found a map to Candy Mountain."

"I don't-"

"CANDY MOUNTAIN SOUL!"

"Yeah Charlie," Patti interjected, "We're goin to Candy Mountain. And we want you to come with us Charlie."

"Who the hell's Charlie?"

Blackstar brushed Soul's question, "Yeah Soul, it'll be an adventure… We're going on an adventure Soul."

Soul just gave them a blank stare and said, "Um, yeah Candy Mountain… I'd love to go with you guys, but I'm needed here more to not go with you guys…"

After pointlessly arguing with the Meister and Weapon duo who were aptly named the DWMA's "ADHD in a Crack pipe" team. Soul realized that it was pointless to even talk with them and just went with it.

Pretty soon they were on the outskirts of Death City, in an area Soul knew nothing about. As they were walking Blackstar and Patti were humming (Going La-la-la) to the theme of Elmo's World.

Finally Soul had enough and yelled, "For the love of Death, please stop singing!"

"Don't worry Charlie," Patti cheered, "Our first stop is over there!"

"Okay seriously, why do you keep calling me Char-?"

But before he could finish his sentence, Soul looked over and saw a particularly powerful Kissin Egg.

As it stood a good three-stories tall Soul managed, "Oh crap, what the hell it that!"

Nonchalantly Patti answers, "Why it's a Leoplerodon Charlie."

"A magical Leoplerodon," Blackstar added.

"It's going to guide our way to Candy Mountain."

After gulping Soul musters, "G-Guys… You know that there's no real Candy Mountain right?"

Blackstar gasps and yells, "Shun the nonbeliever!"

"SHU-N!"

"SH-U-N!"

Giving them both even more blank stares than before Soul just says, "Yeah…"

Then the Kissin Egg begins hissing at the three of them and tried to rip their eyes out, but it had crocodile legs and was in a deep hole and couldn't reach them.

After a couple of moments Blackstar yells, "He has spoken!"

Then Patti matter-of-factly states, "It has shown us the way."

"IT DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING AND I'M PREETY SURE THAT KISSIN EGG TRIED RIPPING YOUR LIPS OFF BLACKSTAR!"

As everyone tuned Soul out and kept changing the subject, the trio find themselves at a rickety bridge that gave the impression that just looking at it would cause it to collapse.

Blackstar began, "It's just over this bridge Soul."

"This magical bridge… Of hope and wonder," Patti interjected.

"Ha ha… Okay all jokes aside I don't think we should be on this thing," Soul neveously stammered.

Patti just laughed saying that he sounded just like her sister Liz as soon as they all made it to the other side.

After walking another half mile Blackstar screeches, "We're here!"

Arching a brow Soul shrugged, "Well what do ya know… There really is a candy mountain."

Blackstar unable to contain himself yells, "Candy Mountain, oh please fills me with your sweet, addictive, sugary goodness."

With a smirk Patti then demands, "Go inside the Candy Mountain's Candy Cave Charlie."

Blackstar immediately agrees, "Yeah, Soul! Go inside the Candy Cave of magical wonder for you to behold when you enter!"

"Nah, I think imma stay out here for a while," Soul barked.

Completely shocked Patti exclaimed, "But you have to go inside the Candy Mountain's Candy Cave Charlie!"

Before Soul could once again question Patti as to why she kept referring him as "Charlie," there was a sound coming from the mountain. Then Soul realized that it was… Music? It was an upbeat tune, like one a person would find on the theme song to a Saturday morning cartoon.

When all of a sudden, five candy-figures spelling out the word "C-A-N-D-Y" jumped out of the mountain and started… Singing? Their lyrics mostly centering on how candy can relieve stress and make you feel better. Then ending the song with them asking Soul to go into the Candy Cave before they all randomly bursted into flames.

Growing frustrated Soul spat, "Fine! I'll go into the fuckin Candy Cave… I swear this better be worth it…"

Then all of a sudden the two began laughing as Soul entered the cave.

"Ha ha ha, Goodbye Soul…"

"Heh heh, yeah, Bye-bye Charlie…"

Fear instantly blanketed Soul as he said, "Bye-Bye? What?"

Before he could react the weapon heard the clinging sound of a door closing, leaving the room pitch-black. Soon he heard footsteps coming nearer and nearer to him, and then Soul felt a sharp pain across his head before blacking out.

When Soul finally woke up, he was in a bathtub filled with ice-cubes in Tijuana.

"Uh, what happened," was all Soul could ask as he tried to focus his blurred vision.

As he tried to stand he felt a lot of pain in his side; when he instinctively looked down he saw what looked like gallons of blood and screamed,

"Arrghh! They stole my fucking Kidney!"

Hey everyone! As you all may have guessed, this was indeed the story for "Charlie the Unicorn." Though I did change some parts for my own benefit and retold in a way so it could still feel like Soul Eater. If you liked this then please check out my other work like Dirty Magazines and Sticky Fingertips, or The Throne of Agony! Please Favorite and/or Review so I know where to get better and for motivation! Hopefully you enjoyed this. Thank you for reading! ~Traffic9991