Hi Mom, it's me again. I know that last time I promised you that I would have only happy things to tell you when I came back. I would have too, if I would have just came on Sunday. But now, I am so confused. I don't know where everything went wrong. I've went from being on cloud nine, so happy it's almost sickening to feeling like I have read a story but the most crucial part has been torn out of the book. Let me start with the good stuff and then maybe by talking to you some of the fog will lift.
Rick and I finally went out on a "real" date. We both got all dressed up, he came to the door with flowers, we danced and we kissed. Oh my God that kiss, it was so much better than the first one. Mom, it physically made me weak in the knees. I...Oh, I really shouldn't go into specifics about this kind of stuff with my mom. I'll save that for Lanie, except it will have to be edited a bit. She doesn't know anything about the first kiss. I think you are the only person I have told about it.
Mom, the dinner was amazing. Rick had flowers all over the ballroom because he remembered me saying how much you loved flowers. He had a few pictures of you and our family displayed. I think Daddy must have helped him with those, there were some that I had never seen. The music was wonderful and my first dance of the night was with dad while Rick shared a dance with his daughter, Alexis. I got to spend three dances in Rick's arms. It just felt so right to be there, finally. I didn't even think about running away. Shocking, I know! He was so sweet. He could tell I was getting a little choked up so he requested the DJ play a couple slow songs so we could share a couple dances so he could hold me tight and I could catch my breath before I had to face all of our friends. He made me feel so safe and comfortable that I actually made it through the little speech I had to give. You know that I am a horrible public speaker. And to think, I was pre-law at Stanford. How could I have ever been an attorney and tried cases in front of a jury when I can't speak in public to save my life? You would have loved him Mom. He is everything to me. He always knows what I need before I do.
We kind of skipped out early from the benefit dinner to continue our date back at my place. No, before you say it, we didn't go back there for that! Yes, I thought about it but I am not ready for that step yet. We cuddled on the catch and started to watch a movie that we never made it through. I guess the emotions of the night really got to me because before we were a half an hour into the movie, I was nodding off on his shoulder, so much for a romantic date. I asked him to stay. He wasn't too sure about that decision. He looked at me like I had two heads but I convinced him that I just wanted to fall asleep and wake up in his arms. Oh, and that knee-buckling kiss took place in the middle of all of this too. I wanted to be somewhere that I felt safe and happy. Lanie woke us up with a text during the night. She had noticed that we had left early and was checking to see if I was okay. Her impromptu wake-up called launched Rick and I into what turned out to be an awkward conversation. I told him that I have been keeping something from him for a while now and I was afraid of how he would take the truth when I tell him. I told him he needs to give me a week to build my courage up and then I would come clean. I know he is going to be angry, Mom. He promised me that he wouldn't walk away from me...us. How can he promise me that without having any idea what I am going to say? Did he say that because he knew that was my biggest fear that he would walk away? Or is it because he loves me that much that nothing will make him leave? After our talk about my secret, Rick decided it was best if he went home and we both could have some time. I think he wanted me to get started on building up that courage I said I needed. The sooner I tell him the better right?
I didn't speak to him until we were back at work on Monday after the bomb exploded at the protest. We were reflecting on missed opportunities because of all of the things the victims would never have a chance to do and I started to speak up about something I didn't want to put off anymore but per our usual, Esposito came to get us and yet another chance missed. So we got engrossed in the case and trying to find the bomber and we never went back to the topic. The next morning Rick came in bearing our morning coffee and that smile that I think he saves just for me and told me he's been thinking. He said that he has been thinking about the victims and missed opportunities and he doesn't want... Ryan interrupted him with a lead in the case. Can't we just once finish a conversation without interruptions? Seriously, give a girl a break here. Twice in two days and we can't just say what we need to say! So like the great guy Castle is, he says it will keep until the case is over and we get back to work. The more I think about it, the more I want to shoot Ryan! If we would have had five more minutes. I might have had really great news to tell you Mom! Now, I have no idea where I stand with Rick. Something happened the next day that changed everything. He came into the precinct and seemed very cold and distant and really never held eye contact with me at all. I knew something was bothering him but I couldn't put my finger on it.
I remember standing in front of the murder board and staring at his empty chair, because he hadn't come in yet, and Ryan caught me staring at it. He asked me what I was doing and I told him, "Just planning my next move." He thought I was talking about the case but I was thinking more along the lines of my curiously missing partner, then Ryan announced that we had a lead on our new prime suspect. The boys went to pick up the guy while I prepared for the interrogation. Rick and my morning coffee still hadn't made an appearance when I left to go in to talk to our suspect. For some reason the suspect, Bobby, pushed all the wrong buttons for me that morning. I don't know if it was lack of caffeine or if it was just the excuses he was giving me about not remembering what happened. He said couldn't remember anything because of the trauma. I just snapped, Mom. I told him he didn't get to use that as an excuse. I yelled at him that I was shot in the chest and I remembered every second of it. I don't know why I said that to him. I don't know if it was on my mind because I wanted to come clean to Rick about my secret or if it was just Bobby's lame excuses or some combination of both.
Once that interrogation was over, I saw a coffee cup on my desk and realized that Rick had shown up at some point. I asked Espo if Castle had been in and he said that he had been in earlier but had somewhere he had to be. All I could think was how sweet it was that he went out of his way to bring me coffee even though he couldn't stay. That "somewhere he had to be" must be the pivotal thing that has caused his drastic change in behavior. He came back to help with the case but he wasn't his normal happy go lucky self. He was cold and distant. He made snippy comments that I could have sworn were directed at me for some reason. I'm a detective, I should be able to work backwards and figure out what the hell happened to him from the time he dropped off my coffee to when he returned to the precinct. My "incident" is a one to two hour window. How do I find out where he went? Who can I ask since he isn't really talking to me? He even turned down drinks with me at the Old Haunt. What the hell happened and why is he taking it out on me? I wasn't even with him all morning to do something to ruin what we had going on Saturday! How can everything go from perfect to perfect mess in a matter of a couple days?
Mom, I could really use some words of wisdom here. I don't know where to go from here. I can't very well approach him with my secret now. He is already so cold and distant I wouldn't want to make it worse. I would expect this after I tell him, but I never saw this coming. I think the universe must have it in for me. Am I not allowed to find true love? I have always walled myself off from everybody and now that I finally have my first chance at true happiness since your death I can't catch a break. We were so close at my apartment and now he can hardly stand to be near me at all. God, I wish you were here to hug me and tell me everything will be okay. I always felt better after one of your hugs. There is something to be said for the healing power of a mother's love.
That's it! Maybe I should go talk to Martha. She always knows what is going on with Rick. A mother always knows, right? At least that's what you used to tell me! What if she doesn't know or refuses to tell me? What excuse do I make if Rick walks in while I am pumping his mother for information that could fix whatever has broken between us? Maybe, I should just go home and sleep on it. I need to look at this with a set of fresh eyes in the morning if I am going to figure it out. If I can't figure it out on my own, I will be forced to call in reinforcements. Lanie will help me. She scares the crap out of Castle. Maybe she can get him to spill the beans or maybe she can extract information from her new intern that might be useful to my little investigation. This is going to frustrate me to no end until I figure it out.
Thanks for listening to me ramble on about my date and the crumbling of the best relationship I've ever had, even though it never got started properly. Coming here, talking with you was the best idea I think I've had all day, far better than my idea to go for drinks at the Old Haunt. Everybody bailed on me. I wonder if the boys know what is going on with him. Did they really have plans or were they just trying to set Rick and I up to be alone? I need to save all of this for another day and get some sleep.
I think I am going to head home now Mom.
Oh, I almost forgot to tell you, they raised over half a million dollars for the Johanna Beckett Memorial Scholarship fund and Rick was going to match it dollar for dollar with proceeds from the profits from the Nikki Heat books.
I'll come by soon Mom. Hopefully, I'll have all of the answers to all my questions by then.
I love you Mom.