So… I've never really written a crack!fic before… But, there's a time for everything, no? And I heard this song for the first time in FOREVER and this basically wrote itself.

Faberry pairing, pretty damn AU, MAJOR Finn!bashing.

The song is 'I Want Candy Dead' by Geoffrey Paris.

Here is a handy dandy link (just remove the spaces!): www .youtube watch?v=jWtMz6EgEig

A/N: Don't own Glee, RIB does. Don't own the song, the artist does.

A/N2: Not Beta-ed. All mistakes are my own.

So… Enjoy?

Btw Singing:

Rachel in BOLD

Finn in italics

Changed lyrics from the original UNDERLINED

Rachel stormed into the choir room. She'd had it up to here with Finn following her around everywhere, like some lost puppy. Ever since she'd accepted a ride from him to Puck's party last Saturday, he wouldn't leave her alone.

If he'd been her type she wouldn't have minded the attention; but, he happened to have genitalia that didn't interest the singer in the slightest. However, being the new girl, she was self-preserving enough to not have outted herself when she moved from New York City to small town Lima, Ohio. Hence, the giant man-child seemingly locked on her like some homing device. Yet, as patient a person as Rachel prided herself on being, the brunette had reached her breaking point with the boy.

Especially when she had found herself locking eyes with someone else entirely; gorgeous, hazel eyes belonging to the head Cheerio, Quinn Fabray.

Shaking her head, Rachel pulled out her phone. If she couldn't get rid of Finn by ignoring him, she'd have to try something a bit blunter. Why not kill two birds with one stone by also getting this week's Glee assignment out of the way.

She signaled to the band and then pressed the call button, just barely suppressing a smirk as the answering ring sounded throughout the room.

Finn glanced around.

Will somebody answer the fucking phone? Good Lord.

Then he blinked, realizing the call was coming from his own phone. Pulling it out, he glanced confusedly between the device in his hand and the girl on the floor in front of him. Shrugging, he flipped the phone open and put it to his ear.


Hey, Justin.

Rachel twirled a lock of hair around her finger, finally letting her smirk out as the two began gaining the attention of her fellow Glee members.

My name isn't Justin.

Finn began in confusion, only to be cut off.

Hey. It's Rachel.

That's great.

Rachel could've face-palmed at the giddiness in his voice.

I can't come out tonight.


Rachel rolled her eyes. Before searching for the hazel ones she loved.

I'm going to see this girl.

Bingo. Rachel grinned at the smirk coming from the blonde HBIC.

But I thought we were gonna have an orgy.

Rachel paused, a look of disgust crossing her features.

No. No. Her name is Quinn.

Finn's face began turning red.

I don't care what her name is.

She's real cute.

Rachel sent a wink towards the Cheerios captain, gaining a blush and genuine smile.

I gotta go. See ya.

She hung up on Finn, crossing towards Quinn slowly.

What? Oh, hell no.

Finn scowled, pocketing his phone before marching down to join Rachel at the front of the room, pulling her back towards him. Rachel pulled away as the more familiar music began.

I know a girl who's tough but sweet.

More like sour.

Finn was pouting.

She's so fine she can't be beat.

Rachel made a show of tracing her eyes over Quinn's body.

I'll fucking beat her.

Rachel barely kept herself from growling at the boy.

She's got everything that I

Yeah, well she's missing a few inches.

Rachel snorted. A few inches she didn't want.

Set the summer sun on fire.

I'll light her on fire.

Rachel started stepping towards Quinn again, this time dodging Finn's grabby hands.

I want Quinn.


I want Quinn.

I didn't know you liked the taco.

Rachel saw that she wasn't the only one close to sending a fist into Finn's face. Santana was tense in her seat; and Quinn's eyebrow was slowly rising, without her breaking the eye-sex session she was having with the brunette singer.

I want Quinn.

Are you sure it's not Finn?

I want Quinn.

I'll kill that bitch.

This time, Rachel did feel a growl rumble through her chest.

Go to see her when the sun goes down.

Rachel smirks again, remembering details from the party on Saturday.

You always told me you were going to the bathroom.

This time a couple muffled scoffs and chuckles came from Puck, Kurt and Santana.

Ain't no finer girl in town.

Again, Rachel's eyes traced over Quinn's body with appreciation.

'Cause she's a slut.

The slur cut Rachel's patience fuse in half as she saw Quinn flinch.

You're my girl, what the doctor ordered.

I didn't know you could have a skank as a prescription.

So sweet she makes my mouth water.

'Cause my cock was in your mouth last night.

If Rachel had a gag reflex, it would've been in full force now. Instead she made a dramatic mime of throwing up from the implication, drawing more laughs from her peers.

I want Quinn.

Yeah, candy penis.

She did gag this time, despite the lack of reflex.

I want Quinn.

You're gonna smell like fish.

I want Quinn.

Bitch, you're not Willy Wonka.

Everyone turned to Finn in confusion at the nonsensical comeback.

I want Quinn.

She's just a loose-pussied ho.

Rachel whirled around, beginning to stalk back towards the idiotic boy.



Finn had a smug smile on his face as he saw the girl coming towards him again.



Now Finn was getting confused.


Why do you keep saying hey?


Stop it.

Annoyance now warred with confusion across his face.


What is this hey?


Stop it.


I will kill her. Shut up.


Rachel was nearly toe to toe with Finn, when she felt a hand on her wrist pull her back. Quinn tugged the singer around to face her, not wanting the brunette to get in trouble for attacking Finneptitude.

Quinn on the beach, there's nothing better.

Rachel laced the fingers of their left hands together.

Oh, gag me with a spoon.

But I like Quinn when it's wrapped in a sweater.

She tugged at the dark blue cardigan Quinn was wearing.

Well, isn't that kinky?

They were both ignoring Finn now, lost a bit in their own world.

Someday soon I'll make you mine.

Rachel's voice dripped with implication, causing Quinn to blush and slide a pink tongue across her lips.

You're a cockeye, I don't want you.

Rachel turned back around towards Finn with a raised eyebrow.

Then I'll have Quinn all the time.

You'll have the smell of fish all the time.

I want Quinn.

You're not even gay

Rachel snorted loudly, barely stopping herself from laughing out the next words rather than singing them.

I want Quinn.

She's not even a real girl.

Now Rachel was getting angry again, but feeling Quinn press up against her and wrap pale arms around her waist calmed the singer some.

I want Quinn.

Great. Let's go to WalMart and get some.

Again, Finn had confused everyone.

I want Quinn.

Oh, God, we get the point.

Finn was groaning out his complaints now.

Quinn in the morning time.


Quinn in the hot sunshine.


Quinn, baby, can't you see?

Rachel turned back around in the blonde's arms, wrapping her own tan pair around the blonde's neck.


All I want is you Quinnie!


Quinn in the morning time.


Quinn in the hot sunshine.


Quinn, baby, can't you see?


All I want is you Quinnie!

Finn's hand latched onto Rachel's arm again and he pulled her away. She broke away with a scowl.


Oh, not again.


Shut up.


All I want is you Quinnie!

She pointed towards Quinn, who had fallen back into a chair in the front row of risers.


Shut up.


I will kill her. I will kill her...

Rachel stalked towards Finn one final time. This time ignoring any thought of peaceful interaction.


...with my eyeliner.


All I want is you Quinnie!

She looked at Quinn one last time.

I'll kill that bitch-

Finn's last line was cut off as Rachel's knee connected with his groin. He let out a whine and collapsed to the ground, hand gripping his crotch.

"Insult or threaten Quinn again and I won't punch them, I'll rip them off, Finnidiot."

Turning away from the crying boy, she walked towards Quinn. Stopping in front of her, she offered a hand towards the girl.

"Walk you to your car?"

Quinn smiled. "I'd love that."

What didja think?

Btw, I have chapter 19 for 'Changed Directions' mostly typed up, so it should be posted fairly soon. I think I'm gonna focus on that WIP for now, and if I get inspiration for my other ones and/or one-shots then I'll post what I can.

Please review!