In Which there are Meaningful Life Lessons

By: SapphireSecret

Unimaginative Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. Also, credit for #20 belongs to my buddy Momo. Credit for #22 belongs to The Spades Queen.

Authoress' Note: If you are a fan of Twilight, by Stephanie Meyer, this is your final warning: do not read this.


After years of hard work and ardent research, I, SapphireSecret, have unearthed the hallowed and sagacious life lessons taught by the religious text Twilight, by Stephanie Meyer, and now share them with you all as my gift to the world.

Prepare yourself. This will change the way you view life itself.

1. Your life is worthless if you do not have a boyfriend/girlfriend.

2. If you have a wonderful support base of friends and family who care about you, IGNORE THEM.

3. If your boyfriend of one month dumps you, the appropriate response is to jump off of a cliff.

4. Bestiality is okay.

5. If the aforementioned ex-boyfriend of one month tries to commit suicide by indecent exposure, you must break your father's heart and run away clear across the world to rescue him.

6. Cannibalism is sexy.

7. If you meet a mysterious man who admits to wanting to eat you, the most logical response is to go on a date with him. Alone.

8. If a werewolf assaults your face, find a weapon before you attempt to attack him; he will not understand what you are doing otherwise.

9. Demon babies have rights too.

10. If you have a choice between breaking up with your boyfriend/girlfriend and allowing a devastating inter-species war to break out, choose the war; it's the smart thing to do.

11. If a man over a hundred years older than you kisses you, this does not mean he is a pedophile.

12. If the aforementioned man over a hundred years older than you happens to climb up a tree to watch you through your window at night, this should should be considered endearing, not disturbing and totally creepy.

13. If by chance you happen to endanger your life and soul by having sex with your boyfriend, go ahead and have at it! It's worth the risk.

14. If you find yourself constantly comparing your boyfriend to Greek gods and twisting Biblical references to fit your relationship, this is normal and should be encouraged.

15. Cradle robbing is fashionable.

16. If you happen to run into the men you attempted to rape you not too long ago while on a shopping trip, do not attempt to flee; instead, walk over and say hello. Maybe they're friendly.

17. If your ex-best friend physically forces you too kiss him, you should not sue him for sexual harassment, but instead confess that you indeed loved him all along and that it took his venereal influence to make you realize it – never mind that you have a fiance.

18. If you are exceedingly clumsy and might get your throat torn out if you so much as get a paper cut, you have no reason to be concerned.

19. If you begin hearing a voice in your head that sounds like your ex-boyfriend that orders you around, do not under any circumstances tell anyone about it. They may get the wrong idea and possibly try to give you treatment for schizophrenia, when obviously you are simply lonely and are in no way mentally unstable.

20. Tearing people apart and burning the pieces is an appropriate way to deal with those who aggravate you.

21. If you cannot live without your boyfriend/girlfriend and will commit suicide if anything happens to them, you should not seek any sort of counseling, as you are in a balanced, healthy relationship.

22. If your ex-best-friend-turned-best-friend-again with a history of sexually assaulting you informs you that he is your newborn daughter's soul mate, do not be concerned; instead, encourage their relationship. It's true love, after all.

23. Sparkling is not only manly, but a turn-on.


I hope you found this as much fun to read as it was for me to write! Read and review, and if you notice any mistakes, please tell me. HOWEVER, If you are writing to tell me what an awful, soulless, disgusting person I am because I don't like Twilight... Don't. I am just as entitled to my opinions as you are, and I warned you that this is bashing twilight. So stuff it and go find someone who cares.

In other news, despite the fact that this is labeled as "complete," I am perfectly willing to add more if you guys (or I) think of them. So please, make my day and review, and throw in whatever hilarious idea you have for number 24 and so on. You will get credit for your contribution, but I make no promises that it will be in its original phrasing when I update it.

Thank you for reading!