Merry Making: Being the Many and Sordid Adventures of Lucius Malfoy, Former Death Eater and Certified Crazy Person and Company.
Wherein Lucius is Proclaimed Insane. Repeatedly.
Narcissa Malfoy fixed her steely blue eyes on the doctor before her. "What exactly are you trying to tell me?" she demanded in a voice as soft and deadly as silk wrapped knives.
The doctor quailed under the onslaught but managed the following without once stuttering: "Mrs. Malfoy, I'm afraid your husband is insane."
No fucking shit, Narcissa thought, looking out the window of the doctor's office. It overlooked one of the many 'game rooms' of the mental ward of St. Mungos. Down in the room, standing at a table was her husband, the man in question.
Narcissa was not terribly surprised with what the doctor was telling her. After a three year stint in Azkaban, it was entirely believable that her husband had flipped his gourd. The only question that remained was what to do with him.
"Let me try to guess what you're about to say," she said with a little sigh. "My husband needs constant supervision. Something St. Mungos would be more than happy to give him if it weren't for the fact that he scares people out of a year of their life every time he talks to them."
The doctor seemed relieved that she grasped the idea so readily.
With another sigh, she rose to her feet. "Have my husband readied. I will be taking him home with me within the hour."
In later years there would be much debate as to when exactly Lucius Malfoy came up with his plan to have his son married off. Some said it was around the time the flying pineapples of Azkaban started talking to him. Others would insist it was when his Dementors began wearing tutus and developed a scary similarity to Gerard Butler.
The smart money would guess that it all originated from the following conversation.
Lucius looked up from the puzzle he'd been working on (it was supposed to be of a kitten (one of those ones with a disgustingly cute motivational saying; you know the ones of which I speak) but under his ministrations, it had taken to resembling what could only be described as a rabid, hormonally challenged female aardvark). Lucius was surprised to see Snape and Voldemort both standing before him.
His surprise stemmed less from the fact that both men were dead, the latter having killed the former, and more from the fact that Snape was wearing a Hawaiian shirt and matching shorts. Voldemort was dressed in his usual sombre attire and appeared to be trying to ignore the bright pink drink Snape was sipping from a clear goblet that was lighting up at the base in alternating red and yellow.
"My lord?" Lucius stammered.
"Lucius, we have come to have a word." The Dark Lord attempted to look dark and foreboding but the effect was ruined by Snape as the other man slurped loudly on his drink.
"Will you stop that?" Voldemort demanded, rounding on his companion. "I am trying to have a serious conversation here!"
Snape shrugged but set his drink down.
"Now then, Lucius, we need to have a word."
"About what?" Lucius asked.
"You're insane," Snape provided.
"Damnit Severus!" Voldemort groaned. "We discussed this on the way over!"
"Yeah, you said we were going to break it to him gently," Snape said.
"What part about that was gentle?"
"You always liked him better," Snape grumbled.
Voldemort pointed his wand at Snape and screamed "Crucio!"
For a moment, nothing happened, then pink and green bubbles burst from his wand to float up around them. Voldemort looked properly mortified.
"Um, I rather guessed I was insane," Lucius said, more to halt any further argument than anything else.
Voldemort looked relieved. "Good. But a slight problem has arisen."
"Uh, what's that?"
"What do you plan to do with your newfound insanity?" Snape asked curiously.
Lucius blinked. "Do with it?" he repeated. It had never occurred to him to do anything with it other than use it for sympathy sex from Narcissa (Lucius Malfoy was not above soliciting sympathy sex from his wife).
"Yes," Snape affirmed. "You see, when you are insane, you can take certain liberties."
"I can solicit sympathy sex from people other than my wife?" he guessed.
"That," Snape conceded, "Or you could be like baldy here and use it to try to take over the world."
"I am not bald!" Voldemort snapped.
"Right, you're just taller than your hair," Snape drawled.
"So I can do...anything?" Lucius began.
"Maybe not anything," Voldemort corrected. "Perhaps you shouldn't go around eating people."
"Because it's gross?"
"No, it's just tacky."
"What would you do?" Lucius asked Snape.
Snape seemed surprised. Though he was merely a figment of Lucius's deranged mind, it had never occured to him that Lucius might actually ask his opinion.
"Well, you could put it to good," he began.
Voldemort made a farting noise. "Boooooring."
"You could get Potter laid," Snape tried again.
"You could get your son laid."
"I bet he gets enough as it is," Voldemort snickered.
"You could try to get the git married," Snape said in exasperation.
Voldemort fell silent. "To who?" Lucius asked.
Snape shrugged. "Anyone, I guess."
"Make it someone he can't stand!" Voldemort demanded. "Or better yet, make it someone who can't stand him. Oooh! Make it Potter!"
"Could you live with yourself if we got Potter laid? Even if it was gay sex?" Snape asked.
"Excellent point, Severus. Do not make it Potter."
"What about that girl Potter was always with?" Snape asked.
"What? That beaver with the hedge on her head?"
"Not Granger. The redhead."
Lucius brightened. "Ginny Weasley."
(A/N: The story behind this story: Way back, like three years ago, I had this idea for a fic where Lucius tries to get Ginny and Draco together. I shelved it because I wasn't in the mood for a new project back then and when I looked at it later, I couldn't figure out why Lucius would want to put Ginny and Draco together. Lately, I've been re-reading Once Upon a Freakin' Time, Voldemort's Faithful Death Eater Larks, and Making Friendship Bracelets for the Death Eaters. And it hit me! If Lucius was insane, he could want Ginny and Draco together.
After that, it kinda all fell into place. Snape and Voldemort will be OOC in this story, but you guys probably figured that. And, in case you're wondering, they are both figments of Lucius's deranged mind. I'll try to keep everyone else kinda in character. Or not. We'll see. Also, the talking, floating pineapples are a shout out to Makani, who drew a series of comics with Lucius and Rudolphous in Azkaban. I'll send the links to anyone who wants 'em. Anyway, hope you like it so far and stay tuned for Chapter Two, wherein Narcissa shall humor Lucius.