Chapter 13: Finale!
The final chapter is finally here! Please enjoy.Disclaimer: I do not own Warriors, or any brands mentioned in the story.
Ivypool was not watching her kits. Ivypool was by the river, swimming, her bra laying on the shore.
Ivypool looked at the shore, to see that her bra wasn't there. "Hello? Is anyone there? Did anyone steal my bra? I would kinda like it back. I paid $65.56 for it at Victoria's Secret!" She called, and got scared when there was no response. "Is there any pervs watching me? Kits, is this your doing?" Ivypool called out.
Ivypool looked up, and she saw a cat jumping in the air towards her, claws outstretched. She screamed fruitlessly. The tom grabbed her. "Rape rape rape rape…" He murmured, and dragged the braless Ivypool away, after he was done, out of the river. She was unconscious.
Back at camp, Bumblestripe and Dovewing cuddled. "Awh my babie waby! Ooh, sweetykins!" Dovewing cooed, intertwining her tongue with his. "Goo goo gaga! That's a positive for my good spot!" Bumblestripe exclaimed, and Dovewing performed good sex on him.
"What the f**k are you two even doing?" Lionblaze asked, bewildered.
"Oh, we're doing some sexual roleplaying." Bumblestripe explained. "I'm the mother. He's the baby." Dovewing added.
"That's pretty f**ked up." Spiderleg remarked from the entrance to the den, and Lionblaze nodded in agreement. "Come. We have a patrol, stupid beotches." Lionblaze ordered, placing his paw at his masculine parts for a moment, caressing a bit. He likes it like that.
Jayfeather took his Flintstone's Gummy Multivitamin. "Nomnom… So yummerific!" He meowed.
Leafpool entered the medicine den. "OOOOHH! LIFE IS DEVOID OF ANYTHING GOOD AND PURE! OOHOHOHOO! III HATE IT!" She screeched.
"I hear you, sister." Jayfeather muttered. "Anyway, what are you here for?"
"Prescribe me ten types of antidepressant!" Leafpool commanded her son, angry.
"I'm pretty sure that's not health-" Jayfeather tried to speak, but Leafpool's loud voice overruled him.
"I DON'T GIVE A F**K, STUPID FAGGOT! GIVE ME SOME, OR I'LL BREAK YOUR F**KING DICK!" Leafpool screamed.
"Fine… Are you on your period?" Jayfeather asked, reluctantly handing over the ten bottles of pills.
"I ALWAYS AM!" Leafpool yowled, as she poured dozens of antidepressant pills in her mouth.
"I could tell… I think you're supposed to take those with wat-" Jayfeather tried to be reasonable, but was cut off again.
"SHUT YOUR F**KING MOUTH, ASSHOLE!" Leafpool ordered, striking Jayfeather with a belt repeatedly.
Hollyleaf stared at Icecloud. She had to do this.
"Here, Breezepelt." Icecloud murmured, and she handed him a small felt bag.
"Great. Alright, meet you by the gathering island at 7:30 tonight." Breezepelt replied, and padded away. Icecloud turned back towards camp, but Hollyleaf intercepted her.
"Icecloud… What were you doing?" Hollyleaf carefully asked, moving slowly towards the white warrior.
'Oh, Hollyleaf, Hi, I was just hunting." Icecloud scuffled her paws. She knew she was guilty.
"Did you tell Breezepelt about the nukes? Was that what you just gave him? Are you his ally?" Hollyleaf asked. Icecloud was a traitor!
"Back off, filthy mudblood!" Icecloud hissed, and the two got into a catfight, literally.
Hollyleaf hit Icecloud in the head, and eventually pinned her down. "Alright, tell me everything! NOW!" She yowled.
"We-" –choke- "were discussing The" –choke- "View together!" Icecloud barely choked out.
"Liar! TELL ME NOW! I SEE YOU MEET WITH HIM!" Hollyleaf yowled, strengthening her grip.
Icecloud managed to break free from Hollyleaf's grip, and punch her in the face. "Oh, you will not get away with a total bitch slap!" Hollyleaf yowled, and Icecloud ran, Hollyleaf pursuing her.
Lionblaze, patrolling with Bumblestripe and Dovewing, heard she-cat yowls. "That sounds like Icecloud! I think Hollyleaf is going after her!" Lionblaze yowled.
"Should we dress as prostitutes, to be more discreet?" Dovewing asked. "I could do a good hooker."
"I second that." Bumblestripe meowed with a nod.
"Shut up, retards!" Lionblaze called, already running, as the couple desperately tried to keep up.
Dovewing cast her senses. Icecloud had was being attacked by a mouse!
"According to my unrealistically large sense, because the prophecy, Icecloud is being attacked by a mouse!" Dovewing announced. Lionblaze and Bumblestripe gasped.
Jayfeather, bleeding badly, stared at Leafpool, enraged. "I can see why Crowfeather left you! You're such a morbidly depressed bitch! You've got no one to blame except for yourself! And now, your belting the son you didn't even raise!" His voice gradually crescendoed into loud anger.
Leafpool said no more, as her eyes slowly closed, and she collapsed. "See, she overdosed. Good riddance." Jayfeather hissed. "Now I can go watch the Real Housewives of Twolegplace, gosh." He added, making some popcorn to go along with it.
Purdy and Mousefur chatted. "So, Purdy, have you tried Flamin' Hot Cheetos?" Mousefur asked inquisitively.
"O, nu, I havint, Mowsfer! Wat td thay tast lik?" Purdy asked, and he tried one. "OCCOHIE! MAMA MEA! GRAT SON DONE PLAS! YEEEEEHAW!" He yowled, upon trying them, and seizured around the camp. "MAMAMAMANMANANAN!"
The ThunderClan Chorus were gathered, practicing. "Last Friday Night, yeah we danced on tabletops, yeah were took too many shots, think we kissed but I forgot…" They sang.
Jayfeather was doing a great job singing. "Alright, HSM Finale, from the top!" Squirrelflight called. "High School Musical, who says were have to let it go? It's the best part we've ever known, so step in to the future!" The chorus sang, Jayfeather clapping. Choir sure raised his spirits!
The assembly of singers was broken, as Purdy flopped through them. "Whoa!" They yowled, and Millie and Whitewing fell over, falling on their faces. Jayfeather chuckled at the two she-cats.
Suddenly, the dark gray sky lit up, with thunder, and a strike of lightning came down and zapped Purdy.
Many screamed, and Millie and Whitewing, disoriented by the strike, fell over again.
Lightning struck everywhere, and the cats retired to their dens. "Dammit, I have to treat a cat that was zapped, instead of be able to not do my job! UGH, I hate my liiiiffe!" Jayfeather gave an agonizing yowl.
"Oh oh, ow ow!" Icecloud meowed as the mouse nipped and attacked. She fell, and Hollyleaf jumped, as the lightning struck a nearby tree.
"I have you now." Hollyleaf murmured, and sunk her claws into Icecloud's skin.
"Show mercy!" Icecloud begged, and Hollyleaf shook her head, clawing Icecloud across the throat. "You ought to be punished for betraying us, handing nukes to the enemy, and ESPECIALLY, breaking the warrior code." Hollyleaf hissed, hitting Icecloud with a crowbar.
Lionblaze approached, with Dovewing and Bumblestripe. "Is she dead?" They asked.
"No!" Hollyleaf yowled, as Icecloud twitched, blood flowing like a river from her empty eye sockets, mouth, and ass.
"Lolololololo!" The call sounded through the forest. "That's the call of the Tribe of Epic Awesomeness! AKA, Ferncloud's numerous kits.' Dovewing remarked.
Lionblaze knew the battle would begin momentarily. He looked at Hollyleaf. Lionblaze noticed her eyeing the tunnels. "Hollyleaf, don't you dare…" Lionblaze whispered to her, and Hollyleaf sprinted.
"Bumblestripe, go back to camp…" Dovewing muttered to her boyfriend, and he left, and with Lionblaze, Dovewing chased after Hollyleaf. "Hollyleaf, no. You can't do this again. Think. You have your boyfriend. And duties as warrior code nagger." Lionblaze reasoned.
"Yes, Hollyleaf! Even though you are an annoying bitch that makes up rules of the code, and you go to extremes to preserve those fake rules, stay!" Dovewing begged, and Hollyleaf shook her head.
"Peace, mothafuckas!" Hollyleaf exclaimed, giving the middle finger to the pair as she said this. She rain into the tunnels. She pushed the red button, and the rocks avalanched over the entrance.
"AAHAHAHAAAASOAOSOASOO!" Hollyleaf let out a fake blood curtling scream from the tunnels, to make Lionblaze and Dovewing think she was killed in the avalanche of stones.
Ivypool was tied to a wooden post. "Give me my Victoria's Secret bra!" She commanded hoarsely, bleeding in a few spots.
"I need a f**k buddy." The tom simply replied.
"It's not f**king! It's rape, for StarClan's sake!" Ivypool yowled. "Let me go! And I want my freaking bra! That cost me a lot of money, I ain't leaving without it!"
"Breezepelt is paying me to keep you captive." The tom said.
"Breezepelt! What threat do I pose to him?" Ivypool was shocked. Breezepelt ordered her to be kidnapped! She was just a normal she-cat!
"He's afraid that if you're off your meds when he attacks, you'll do something rash, like find the power to win." The tom grew agitated with Ivypool's questions.
"Attack? Let me go, bastard!" Ivypool yelled.
Darth Vader's March played as the Tribe of Epic Awesomeness, led by Breezepelt and Kitmaster, marched into camp.
Brackenfur was conducting the orchestra that was playing the music, and Firestar signaled to him to stop.
"What do you want?" Firestar asked.
"Vengeance." Breezepelt simply said. "The Rainbow will wreak venegeance upon the clan! I demand Toadstep as my sexual partner." He yowled.
"Toadstep is birthing kits at the moment." Daisy called from the nursery.
"Well, I'm still attacking… Tribe of Epic Awesomeness, ATTTTACK!" Breezepelt yowled, and the kits came out and jumped on everyone playfully.
"Kits! Kits! Come here, mommy loves you!" Ferncloud exclaimed.
Lionblaze and Dovewing headed to Jayfeather's den as thunder filled the sky, barely averting the raging battle.
"Jayfeather! The battle is here." Dovewing announced.
"OMS, Dovewing, you are so f**king retarded. You think I don't see that? It's right in the camp, beotch!" Jayfeather yowled elbowing Dovewing in the vagina. "Where the f**k is that s**thead Hollyleaf?"
"Well, she killed Icecloud… and ran into the tunnels again…" Lionblaze explained. "I should probably get to the battle, so I can use my muscles."
"Really? Another good riddance. This day is full of good riddances, you know? First, that beotch Leafpool, then the skank ass Purdy, then the treacherous Icecloud, and now that annoying beotch Hollyleaf!" Jayfeather happily remarked.
"Where's Ivypool?" Dovewing asked aloud, but before she got an answer, a kit jumped on her patting her with their sheathed paws. "Ow! No, ow! I'm not pizza dough!" Dovewing squealed, defenseless.
"There's a resemblance." Jayfeather muttered to Lionblaze, and the two brothers chuckled.
"Jfether, I nat ded!" Purdy yowled from his nest, and Jayfeather froze, hoping Purdy didn't hear the insults about him.
Lionblaze jumped into battle, being tackled to a tree by two kits, batting him their their small, fluffy tails. "Ahhhww! The agony!"
Cinderheart came to Lionblaze's aid, throwing off the kits. "You know what's sad… You're supposed to be the prophecy muscle guy, and yet your girlfriend had to beat up two kits for you." Cinderheart playfully, yet truthfully, remarked, and they kissed each other's penis and vagina before the continued.
Lionblaze saw Breezepelt advancing towards Jayfeather's den, and hurried towards the den.
Ivypool clawed open the ropes, and pushed the top into a rushing river, giving him the finger. Ivypool quickly raced towards her kits, Foxkit and Ivykit. Unlike the trained warriors, the two kits were beating down tribe kits left and right. "Mommy!" The kits exclaimed, running towards their mother, Ivypool smiling.
Lionblaze ran by Jayfeather, and Breezepelt entered. "Ah, my two worst enemies… I oughta kill you guys myself." Breezepelt said. "Oh, f**k off, wussy little pussy!" Jayfeather hissed to his half-brother. "I'll use my ultra strength to take you down!" Lionblaze exclaimed, and Breezepelt grew angry, throwing off his high heels.
Dovewing saw Ivypool. "Ivypool! Where were you?" Dovewing asked lovingly, hugging her sister.
"Ergh… I was at an Adult Novelties and Bakery." Ivypool lied. She would keep Breezepelt's kidnapper secret.
Dovewing nodded understandingly, and saw Breezepelt on top of Lionblaze, in the mouth of the medicine den.
"Ehhhhhaaaa! Mommy!" Lionblaze called, Breezepelt chewing on his fur.
Dovewing and Ivypool exchanged a glance, and a nod. They thundered towards Breezepelt, and leapt onto his back. The sisters brought him to the ground, and Lionblaze got back up.
"Lol, Lionblaze, I think they picked the wrong cat for the prophecy, because your strength actually sucks!" Jayfeather teased, clapping his hands together as he hysterically laughed. Lionblaze threw him the evil eye.
After ten minutes, of Dovewing, Ivypool and Lionblaze tormenting Breezepelt, he finally gave in. "Fine! I give up! I'm calling off the attack!" Breezepelt exclaimed. 'Show mercy on my pitiful soul!"
Breezepelt slipped from the three. "That was fun." Ivypool remarked. Lionblaze wiped away tears. "Yup." Dovewing beckoned everyone into the normal camp.
By now, the whole Tribe of Epic Awesomeness had given up, going back to their mother, Ferncloud, in the nursery. "Oh, I'm so glad!" Dustpelt, their father, exclaimed, licking some blood off his paw.
The whole clan formed a huge crowd, a clearing in the center, where Breezepelt stood. Toadstep had a kit in his arm.
"Lionblaze, this is your kit!" Toadstep meowed. He looked very happy.
"How is it even possible for two toms to have a kit?" Seedkit asked from the crowd, and Sorreltail realized she hadn't given Seedkit and Lilykit the 'birds and the bees' talk yet.
Lionblaze, in his assy manner, looked away from the tom. "His name is Rainkit." Toadstep continued.
Lionblaze gave in. "It is my son… I love him. BUT, I STILL HATE YOU, TOADSTEP!"
"Awww…" Everyone said.
As Lionblaze carried his son, Toadstep went towards Breezepelt. "You've earned my love. Let's get out of here." He whispered, and Breezepelt smiled.
"Why does Toadstep like all of Crowfeather's sons?" Dovewing asked aloud, and Ivypool agreed. "Yeah, that is ironic."
So, yeah, Toadstep and Breezepelt ran off into the sunset, to start their new lives together. "The storm cleared up!" Ivypool noticed, everyone cheered.
"This is getting really cheesy!" Dovewing added, and murmurs of agreement spread around.
Lionblaze and Cinderheart adopted Rainkit. "Oh my son… meet your adoptive mother, and my girlfriend… Cinderheart." Lionblaze introduced, and Rainkit spat in Cinderheart's eyes. "Bitch!"
"Oh, aren't you just the cutest thing?" Cinderheart meowed, wiping kit saliva from her now burning eyes.
Lionblaze and Cinderheart smiled, happy together.
Bumblestripe and Dovewing were happy dating. Dovewing was sluttish anymore, so not cheating took place.
Ivypool raised her kits. Never took another pill again, which made her happy.
As for Jayfeather? Jayfeather sat in his den, grumping as he organized his herbs, and came to a realization. He smiled. He could live, now that he realized this! "I…am a douchebag!" Jayfeather exclaimed, and repeated it over and over quietly, and he reached the top of the Highledge.
Jayfeather was laughing hysterically, and every cat was shocked. "Since when does Jayfeather laugh?" Brambleclaw called, and Jayfeather spoke. "I have an announcement to make!"
He had every cat's attention.
"I can now live a better life, and I can be a better cat! Because, I have come to a life-changing realization! I… am a douchebag!" Jayfeather exclaimed to the clan, and everyone cheered, dancing around.
Jayfeather was breathing heavily, from the happiness, and without realizing it, fell off the edge of the Highledge. Everyone gasped.
"I'm okay!" Jayfeather yowled. And everyone danced and danced and danced around, eating ice cream, drinking soda, and partying until midnight. And, for the most part, they all lived happily ever after…
Note: And that's a wrap! I hope you enjoyed this parody. I know I enjoyed writing it, and I hope it gave you all some laughs. Please review! If the reviews keep coming, then you may hear news of a sequel in the future… Thanks for reading Warriors: A Parody! -lugirox