129A/N: I will try (and fail) to keep this author's note quick, but all you really need to know is that this story is set over Friday, November 24th and Saturday, November 25th, 1995 (OotP).
The story is rated T for mild language and thematic violence in chapter 4. It's nothing graphic but it is existent, so you've been warned.
Chapter 1 is dedicated to MoonyInAMask and StrawberryFields, who were kind enough to leave wonderful reviews on a one-shot I posted but who I could not private message to thank. So, if either of you are reading this, thank you so much for the reviews!
Chapter 1-Nerves
Nymphadora Tonks sat in the kitchen of 12 Grimmauld Place, the half light of the setting sun illuminating only small patches of the table in front of her. It was a cold November evening, almost December, really, and she had just gotten to Grimmauld after getting off work early. Now she was sitting while finishing a dinner of left-overs Molly Weasley had left from the previous night's meeting, letting herself relax after what had been another chaotic day in the Auror Department.
She knew Sirius was upstairs sulking somewhere yet couldn't bring herself to call for him; he'd been rather monosyllabic and unfriendly the past few times they'd interacted. He was lonely, that was all, and bitter, too, and he often turned to fire-whiskey during the long hours he spent cooped up in the house he hated with nobody but Buckbeak to keep him company. Once the kids had gone back to school and Molly and Arthur had moved back to the Burrow, no Order members other than she and Remus stopped by if they could help it, and he was still leaving for multi-day missions quite frequently.
Admiring the still silence of the room, which was a stark contrast to the mayhem she encountered daily at work, Tonks let her thoughts stray towards the very same man.
When she'd first met Remus Lupin he'd struck her as painfully ordinary, albeit subtly attractive, with light hair that fell into his gold-flecked brown eyes and a sweet if not slightly sad smile. She'd heard his nickname in conversation with Sirius when she'd been younger, but she had very few memories of Sirius from before she was 8 and she couldn't for the life of her remember anything about Remus that he'd told her.
She'd really met Remus when she'd stayed after her first Order meeting to have a drink with Sirius, having practically tackled him into a hug and apologizing for not believing he was innocent when they'd been reunited. Remus had stayed too, and when Tonks'd noticed faded scars on his handsome face she had been intrigued. He was a puzzle to her in the beginning, that was all...she wondered about his shabby appearance, prematurely greying hair, and inexplicably sad eyes.
It hadn't taken long for her to feel something for him. It was just curiosity at first, or that's what she'd told herself, but after a few weeks of knowing him she'd begun to enjoy his company. Seek it, even.
Then'd come the bombshell: he was a werewolf.
She'd been surprised, to say the least...at the Ministry she'd been endlessly lectured on the dangers of 'dark creatures' such as werewolves and had been taught to mistrust them, though Mad-Eye'd always said the Ministry was full of prejudice. But she'd gotten to know Remus beforehand, gotten to see the man he was, so when he'd told her, matter-of-factly, why he wouldn't be around during the full moon, she'd been stunned.
He was so kind, intelligent, and serene...she'd never, not in a million years, have guessed he was a werewolf. But after the initial shock had worn off, it'd made sense. His bittersweet smile, almost tortured eyes, and scars had always caused her to believe he'd suffered quite a lot, yet she'd never had the courage - or perhaps the gall - to ask. He had always seemed quite reserved around her when they'd first met, and he had seemed almost boyishly excited when they'd gotten to become friends, as if he couldn't believe she'd want to be his friend. So when she'd realized that he must've faced a lifetime of rejection by almost everyone he'd met, it'd made sense to her.
It had been a tense moment, when he'd first told her. She'd been too stunned to do anything but stare at him for a few moments, and he'd started to look uncomfortable, ashamed. He'd quietly told her he understood if she didn't want to be around him any longer. It was his disappointed yet polite smile as he'd turned to go that had jarred her from her state of shock.
She'd blurted out a lot of things just then; that she would never have guessed, that was why she was surprised; that she wanted to be his friend, that his lycanthropy didn't change that; that she suddenly understood the scars and his recent drab appearance. And he'd turned slowly around, looking at her critically, as if wondering if he should let himself believe her, and when he'd seen her shy yet genuine smile, he'd seemed to have accepted that she meant what she said.
Since then they'd grown to be close friends, and they often spent the evenings together at Grimmauld Place with Sirius. Sirius made snide remarks about Tonks 'stealing' his best mate, or Remus 'taking away' his favorite cousin quite frequently, but he never really seemed to resent their friendship. Lately, however, Tonks had begun to have trouble keeping it cool around Remus.
As her feelings for him had blossomed into the more-than-friends type, she'd been shocked at first. It was not that he was older than her; he was, but she didn't mind. Her own dad was years older than her mum, and she'd always been attracted to older guys, especially when the ones her age just thought she was cool because she could make herself look however they pleased. It was not that he was poor, for she didn't care about money and made quite enough as an Auror as it was; besides, Remus was rich in things more important than money. It was not that he was a werewolf, either; she did not judge him for something beyond his control. If anything, she was more drawn to him because of it; the fact that he'd faced so much rejection, pain, and hardship in his life yet remained as gentle as he was spoke immensely of his character.
No, she was not surprised that she liked him because of those things.
Tonks found herself surprised to like Remus because he was so not her type. Not that she really thought she had a type, not anymore. But throughout school and the past years in Auror training - and now in the Auror office - she'd always gone for the Siriuses of the world. The dark, handsome, dangerous types. The smoking, motorcycle riding, tattooed, rock-n-roll types. The guys who'd call her 'babe' and take her to clubs and hold her close in front of their friends.
Never before had she found herself drawn to the bookish, inverted, gentle kinds of men. And yet, as she thought of Remus, it seemed silly that she hadn't been drawn to someone like him before.
It never worked with the motorcycle guys - they always had expectations of her, you see. And Tonks, despite her bubbly, outgoing exterior, was really a romantic at heart. She'd always said she'd love the guy who was her first, said she'd wait for the right person. And she hadn't found him. And now, as a 22-year-old, she felt foolish for being so naïve.
She used to tell herself she'd only kiss a guy if she felt something for him, but in the end her insecurities had overwhelmed her and she'd kissed many guys just to feel wanted. They always chose her, she knew, because of her abilities, not because of her personality. And though she'd never admit it, it bothered her more than she could explain.
But then Remus had come along. Remus, who listened to every word she said and made her feel like she was important. Remus, who, to her secret pleasure, refused to call her Tonks despite her pleas. Remus, who smiled softly at her when she had a bad day, who helped her up when she tripped over that damned umbrella stand. Remus, who made her feel worth while.
And now that she had realized just how strongly she felt about him, she had a hard time figuring out how to act around him. At first it had been a pleasant butterflies-in-the-stomach type of feeling, but now she was a downright nervous wreck around him half the time. And yet he'd still manage to put her at ease when they were together, yet sometimes she felt so unsure of herself in his presence that she had a hard time focussing on much of anything.
That was why she was nervous as she waited, chewing her fingernails in the mostly dark kitchen. She glanced at her watch; it was 5:57. Remus would be getting there at 6:30, he'd said, and then they were off on a mission together.
It was not the first time they'd been assigned as partners for a mission, yet she was more nervous this time than the times before because she was so painfully aware of her feelings for him - feelings which he only sometimes seemed to return.
It was hard to say, with Remus. He was as transparent as a brick wall 99% of the time, and on the rare occasion that he seemed to let his guard down she saw conflict in his eyes. He could be almost flirty towards her at times, but he was also a very polite and friendly person, so she could never be sure if he was just being kind. Sometimes she swore she saw something in his eyes, a kind of fire, but sometimes she couldn't see past his carefully built up walls and only felt like an insignificant child to -
"Tonks! Stop chewing your fingernails or I'll have to tell your mother!" Sirius Black barked from the door to the kitchen.
Tonks jumped about a meter when he caught her off her guard before muttering, "Oh, shove off."
"Distracted, are we?" He asked with a very obviously fake-innocent smile.
Tonks didn't answer but instead surveyed her cousin, briefly taking in his stubble-coated face, tired eyes, and unruly hair. He looked awful yet he was smiling at her, which was rare and most definitely a good sign.
Sirius stared at her, obviously waiting for an answer, but Tonks just shrugged.
"Oh come on, Nymphie, what were you thinking about?" He pressed.
"Nothing." She answered too quickly. "And don't call me that!"
"Nice try, Nymphie." He teased, taking the seat across from her and turning on the lights with a flick of his wand. "But I know you weren't thinking about 'nothing'."
Tonks sighed, knowing she would lose to him in the end. She always did. "Just nervous about tonight." She admitted.
Sirius raised his eyebrows. "Why? You're an Auror, for crying out loud, and these missions never go anywhere."
Tonks shrugged noncommittally, refusing to admit the true source of her nerves to her cousin. "I know, but what if this time we're right?"
She'd been sent to many pubs and bars over the past few months, each of which some shady and typically unreliable source had claimed was a meeting place for Death Eaters. That's all her mission tonight was; she and Remus were to go to a bar that was suspected as being a hide-out for Death Eaters to make sure no meeting was going on. They'd received a tip that there'd be a gathering at 1:00 that night, but, if Tonks was being honest, she doubted there would be. There never was, it seemed.
"Is there more?" Sirius coaxed, studying his cousin's face with an appraising eye. "This wouldn't have anything to do with your partner for this mission, would it?"
Tonks felt herself blush and instinctively looked away, only too late realizing that Sirius would interpret her behavior correctly. "No, it's nothing." She said weakly.
The look on Sirius' face told her he saw straight through her. "That's what I thought. Still haven't found the courage to tell Remus how you feel?"
"I don't know what you're talking about." Tonks lied.
"You're smitten with him! Smitten!" Her cousin responded triumphantly.
"Shut up, Sirius." Tonks muttered.
"So you don't deny it?"
"I never said that."
"Never mind, you don't need to. It's bloody obvious." He informed her.
"Is it?" Tonks asked worriedly.
"Yes." He said simply, smirking at her. When he noticed her expression, however, his brow furrowed. "Why do you look so miserable?"
Tonks sighed, knowing it was too late to turn back. She was aware that as his best mate, Sirius might tell Remus everything she told him, but she also had nobody else to tell and she didn't feel like trying to hide her feelings from Sirius anymore.
"It's just, I don't think Remus...I don't think he, well..." She muttered, feeling her face growing very red.
"You don't think he likes you?" Her cousin asked with a semi-incredulous voice. Tonks blushed some more, looking at her hands and feeling quite pathetic.
To her chagrin, however, Sirius let out a loud, bark-like laugh.
"Hey!" She protested, looking up at him. "Stop laughing! It's not funny! I really, really like him, Sirius, and he barely knows I exist! He probably thinks I'm just some annoying, clumsy, weird-looking kid!" She gushed, feeling slightly stupid but very relieved to get it off of her chest.
Sirius looked surprisingly gently at his cousin. "Of course he doesn't! He admires you, Tonks, we all do. You're the bubbly presence we all need in this war, and you're not weird looking, unless you're entertaining the kids. Clumsy, I'll give you that, but you're also an Auror! Besides, age is irrelevant, and of course he knows you exist! The two of you flirt endlessly. It's revolting."
"I flirt with him, you mean." Tonks muttered, unable to keep the bitterness from her voice.
"No, you flirt with each other. He's crazy about you, Tonks."
"Is he?" She asked hopefully, ripping her gaze from the table to meet her cousins' eye.
"Of course he is!"
Tonks wanted to smile but instead found herself frowning. "Then why hasn't he done anything about it?"
"He's too much of a gentleman, Tonks." Sirius said, as if explaining simple maths to her. "I thought you'd know that by now."
Tonks shrugged, still not convinced. "But you'd think...I mean, if he really liked me, wouldn't he have done something by now? I'm not exactly subtle."
Sirius chuckled. "You're not, but he's oblivious. He never thinks anyone likes him, that's just what he's used to. He doesn't think anyone could think of him in that way because of his furry little problem."
Tonks looked up sharply. "But - he's - I mean - !" She spluttered, baffled by the thought of Remus Lupin being insecure. He wasn't arrogant, no, but he always had a calm, commanding presence, one that radiated confidence. Academically, at least.
Sirius read her babble correctly and laughed. "I know that, you know that, and he doesn't! You've got to be bold with him, Tonks."
"But what if - what if he says no?" She asked her cousin, surprised at his suggestion. She'd never have imagined that she'd have to be the one to ask a man out, and yet she also never imagined falling for a werewolf.
"He won't." Sirius told her confidently.
Tonks bit her lip. "How can you be so sure? Did he tell you something?"
"No, he didn't." Sirius admitted, before quickly adding, "But he wouldn't. He'd never admit that he fancied someone, even at school."
Tonks tried to let her cousin's words sink in but was having a hard time believing them. Why would he fancy her, anyway? He was much more mature than her, much more capable. She really was just a kid compared to him, and she was sure he just saw her as a school girl with a crush. The thought was almost anguishing and she found herself biting her nails again, a nervous habit she hadn't reverted to in years.
This did not go unnoticed by Sirius, who added, "Look, I've known the guy since I was 11! To the well trained eye Remus Lupin is not as stoic as he seems. It's...it's in the way he looks at you when he thinks nobody's watching. The way he hangs on your every word, the way that he's worried when you're on a mission. It's obvious to me, Tonks - the man's smitten."
Tonks didn't want to give herself false hope, so she said, "Even if you're right, I still wish he'd do something..."
Sirius only shrugged. "Just be forward with him. You don't have to ask him out, but make it clear you're interested and maybe he'll take the first step."
Tonks nodded, feeling that her cousin was, for once, right. She was no Gryffindor, but she could still be bold enough to show him she cared about him. At least then she might not feel so helpless towards him.
"Since when have you given good advice?" She teased, turning to face Sirius.
"I think you're forgetting that in my time I dated at least ⅔ of the girls at school." He responded smugly.
She rolled her eyes. "You're insufferable."
"But you love me!" He countered, grinning widely.
Tonks sighed, smiling as well. "Yes, I do, you rotten man!"
Sirius ruffled her purple bob affectionately, glad she'd stopped fretting about Remus. They were both still laughing when they heard footsteps in the hall.
Tonks looked up just in time to see the slightly wan and tired face of Remus Lupin appear in the doorway. Straightening up upon seeing him, she felt the tips of her hair starting to fade bubblegum pink, as they always did when he was around, but she quickly focussed on keeping her hair purple. Sirius, beside her, straightened up as well.
"Wotcher, Remus." Tonks said in what she hoped was a light and cheerful voice. He smiled at her, brown eyes sparkling slightly - or maybe it was just the light.
"Hello, Nymphadora. Sirius." He said politely, entering the kitchen and putting his cloak over a chair.
Tonks scowled, but before she could tell him to call her Tonks Sirius had stood up abruptly and plucked the Daily Prophet out of Lupin's hands. He was always eager for news, even though that particular newspaper was far more wrong than right these days.
"Here early, I see." Lupin said, looking back at Tonks.
"Yeah, Kingsley let me go at five." She responded, meeting his gaze a bit apprehensively.
He smiled, checking his watch and glancing at Sirius, who was already muttering under his breath about something in the paper trashing Harry, no doubt. "Well, we could always leave early, if you're ready."
Tonks nodded, feeling her stomach clenching even though she told herself to be calm. He likes you, she thought to herself. It didn't help.
Suddenly, Sirius looked up at Tonks with a very disconcerting gleam in his eyes. It was a look that spelled trouble, and she was already cringing inwardly by the time he said, "Morph into a really hot bird, will you? Then at least Moony here'll have something to enjoy all night."
Tonks looked at her cousin, horrified. She could feel her face and hair turning bright red, from anger or embarrassment she wasn't sure. She snatched the newspaper from his hands and whacked him on the head with it, desperately avoiding Lupin's eyes as she shrieked, "Sirius!"
"What?" He asked mock-innocently, grinning up at her with an all too knowing smile. "You'll have to morph to protect your identity, might as well go big."
Tonks glared at him, unfortunately recognizing the truth in his words. She would have to disguise herself, and the more attractive and distracting she seemed to others, the less likely she'd be to be suspected as an Auror. They were headed to a posh place as it was, and she'd never blend in looking like herself even if she didn't have to protect her identity.
"I guess you're right." Tonks grumbled, dropping the newspaper back in front of her cousin and still avoiding the eyes of the werewolf in the room. "I'll just go change."
And with that she stood and left the kitchen, which had felt all too warm since Remus had arrived anyway. She climbed the stairs, wondering what she had to wear, and entered her make-shift room at Grimmauld. Considering how far out to go, she decided to settle for the classic good-looking woman she'd never been.
Standing in front of the mirror Tonks screwed her face up for a few moments then opened her eyes to see how she'd done. Looking back at her was a woman who appeared to be closer to 30 than 23. Tonks' dark brown, twinkling eyes had been replaced with slightly sleeker, silver-blue ones. A slightly upturned nose and large, pink lips made her look much more attractive, and her now tan skin and shimmery golden blonde hair gave her a sophisticated look that she'd never pull of with her own appearance.
She sighed slightly, wondering whether Remus would turn into another man impressed by her abilities, not her personality. She'd always said she liked how she looked naturally, but it wasn't entirely true. She liked her eyes and nose, but her lips were too thin, face too pale, hair too mousy. The only thing she changed normally was her hair and occasionally her eye color, and now as she stood, looking nothing like herself, she wondered if Remus would like her better as someone else.
She shook her head and hurried to the closet, feeling foolish. It didn't matter whether he thought she was beautiful or not. There was a mission to be done, and she had to remain objective.
Tonks pulled on a pair of dark, tight denims and transfigured them to fit her longer legs. She put on a strappy and form-fitting black top and transfigured it to fit her much more filled-out figure. She grabbed a pair of heels she'd never wear normally and put on makeup quickly with some spells her mum had taught her back in fifth year. Then she looked in the mirror. Sirius would be pleased, she knew that much. She was a knock-out, she was sure, yet she found no pleasure in being one. Not tonight. The woman looking back at her wasn't who she really was.
Tonks walked carefully back into the kitchen in Grimmauld, just as she heard Sirius saying, "Honestly, mate, you're being thick about this whole thing."
Wanting to know what they were talking about yet knowing she shouldn't eavesdrop, Tonks felt conflicted. She tripped over the last step into the kitchen, however, and her presence was made known without her having to decide.
"Bugger!" She swore, regaining her balance after tumbling into the room. Once she'd straightened up and brushed off her outfit, she looked up and was met with two pairs of wide eyes.
Sirius was the first to recover. "Damn, Tonks." He said, letting out a low whistle.
Tonks scowled at him, feeling her face flush as she muttered, "Not a word."
She glanced over at Lupin, but his momentary break in stoicism was over and his gaze was completely unreadable.
"Ready?" She asked him, feeling illogically nervous once more.
"Yes." He said simply, standing and putting on his cloak. Tonks noticed, with a slight pang, that he'd magically fixed his clothes to look newer, more elegant. The bar they were headed to was not a relaxed place but rather a nice one.
"Wait!" Tonks said then, remembering what Mad-Eye'd told her. "Don't you have to take Polyjuice or something?"
Remus smiled almost imperceptibly. "No. I'll be using an appearance-altering charm."
With that he took his wand from his belt and waved it wordlessly, preforming six or seven spells. With wide eyes Tonks watched as Lupin's hair grew curlier and lighter, settling on a golden-blonde to match her own. His slightly-visible beard vanished, replaced by a clean shaven and more square jaw. His cheek-bones became more pronounced, his eyebrows straighter. His nose became almost haughty, like Sirius', and his scars vanished.
The man in front of her didn't look at all like Remus on first glance, but when she peered at him closely enough she could still see it was him. His eyes were the exact same shape and color, his small smile remained unchanged, and he still had his own height and build, which could not be as easily altered without potions.
Tonks felt only slightly comforted by this, however; it was strange to see Remus looking so - handsome? She wasn't sure. He was certainly more classically good-looking now, but there was something about the way he was before...the slightly grey hair, the slightly worn face, the scars...she liked him better before, even though the less weary, handsomer Remus would attract the normal girl. Then again, she was far from normal.
He flushed slightly as she stared at him, looking self-conscious. "Enough change?" He asked.
She nodded, and Sirius apparently looked up, because then he laughed. "You two look the part. A stereotypical blonde, aristocratic couple, all right."
Tonks flushed as she turned to look at her cousin, though she wasn't sure what she'd expected they'd be posing as. She knew all along that'd be their cover, yet she felt even more nervous as she realized what that'd entitle. Would he hold her hand? Dance with her? She felt her nerves all but explode at the thought.
Get a grip, she begged herself desperately.
Lupin nodded at her cousin, seeming completely unaffected by his words, before looking back at Tonks and smiling slightly. "Ready?"
"Yes." She said much more confidently than she felt, grabbing her robes and throwing them on before turning towards the stairs.
"Be safe!" She heard Sirius yell as they walked out of the kitchen and towards the front door. Tonks blanched at his obvious innuendo, but Lupin either didn't notice or didn't care, as he ignored it.
As they made it through the door and re-warded it, Tonks and Lupin didn't say anything to one another, and Tonks began to feel even more anxious. What if they were this awkward the entire night?
Her anxiety seemed to show, however, because Lupin looked at her with concern. "All right, Nymphadora?" He asked gently.
"Don't call me Nymphadora." She responded without thinking. Realizing what she'd said a second too late, Tonks blushed and looked at him a bit shyly. "Sorry, it's reflex."
He chuckled, looking into her eyes for a brief moment before checking around them for muggles. "It's all right." He said, walking towards a nearby ally to apparate. "You just seem nervous."
"I'm fine." She responded a bit quickly, a bit harshly. She took a deep breath to steady her voice before saying, "Really, Remus, it's nothing."
He looked unconvinced but let the matter drop, knowing she didn't want to talk about it. They reached the ally and he turned to her. "We should probably come up with our identities now, rather than if we're asked. To keep our story consistent."
"Er - right." Tonks said, only half focused on his words. The other half of her mind was reeling at his sudden proximity.
"You're Iris and I'm Mark, and we're on a date at the lounge...it's our third date. First went well, second was a disaster, and this is my last chance to prove to you I'm worth your time. Sound okay?"
"Sure, Mark." Tonks said with a wink, forcing herself to act confidently despite the ever-growing bundle of nerves in her stomach.
"Ready, Iris?" He responded with a cheeky smile.
Tonks wanted to giggle at his smile - it was completely and utterly adorable - and Tonks did not giggle. Giggling was for pathetic, lovesick little girls. And she was not one of them. Nope. No way. Not even a bit.
Tonks shook her head for what felt like the millionth time and forced herself to nod and take the arm he offered her, determined to act normally. With the familiar squeezing feeling and a crack, they vanished into the night.
A/N: So, how was it? Too wordy? Too long?
I realize not much happens in the first chapter, but I wanted to introduce things and include Sirius, if only for a bit. Things liven up next chapter, I promise, with lots of Remus/Tonks action!
I really, really appreciate reviews and feedback, good, bad, and otherwise! As previous reviewers know, I tend to not only send overly-grateful response messages to reviews but also read and review something all my reviewers have written!
Thanks again for reading, chapter 2 is in the works!