129A/N: This is the last chapter of If You Fall.
Thank you so much to everyone who has read, reviewed, favorited, and subscribed to this story. I could not have done it without each and every one of you! (I know I sound like a politician, but I mean every word.)
Also, here is your fluff warning: this chapter contains lots of fluff (by my standards, anyway)! I felt, after everything they've been through, that Remus and Tonks deserved some happy/shamelessly sappy moments.
This chapter is dedicated to Hannah, Fanfiction fan, Strawberry Fields, and another anonymous reviewer who did not put in a user name but who I am grateful for nonetheless. Thank you all for your wonderful reviews on chapter 7!
Chapter 8 - In His Arms
"Until you ask me not to." Remus Lupin responded, beginning to rub Nymphadora Tonks' back once more.
Tonks sighed contentedly and let out a watery chuckle as Remus sat back on the couch without letting go of her, causing her to stumble. He kept a firm grip on her, however, and didn't let her trip as he guided her to the spot next to him, where he kept his arms wrapped securely around her.
"I told you I'd catch you." He teased, and Tonks smiled. It felt surreal to be smiling, and yet she felt as if, after admitting everything to Remus, a giant weight was off her shoulders.
He ran one hand absentmindedly through her hair, and she held his other with both of hers, drawing meaningless patterns onto his wrist as she felt herself slowly relax for the first time since the previous night.
Something about Remus was putting her at ease and she relished it. She wondered, idly, if this meant that they were together now, or if it meant anything at all. He'd admitted his feelings for her, and she'd - what had she done? She hadn't really said anything, she guessed, but she'd made herself clear, hadn't she? Should she ask him? She felt inexperienced and foolish all of a sudden.
But her lack of complete relaxation went deeper than that. A part of her was still not completely calm, and it was not just because she didn't know if she could call Remus her boyfriend.
Tonks forced herself to think about what it was that was bothering her. She no longer felt as though she'd been lying, as she'd told Remus the truth. She didn't feel bad for snapping at him, as he'd forgiven her. She wasn't afraid of what he'd think of her, as he'd made it clear he didn't care. She didn't feel unclean, not really...but there it was, that little doubt still in her mind.
She didn't necessarily feel dirty, but she didn't feel completely whole yet, either. She could still recall how his hands had touched her, how his breath had felt, how his lips had tasted.
But that was it, then, wasn't it? She remembered all too vividly the way he had felt, the way he'd kissed her. He was the last person to do so. It seemed clear what the problem was.
Without giving herself a chance to lose nerve, Tonks sat up, causing Remus to frown at her. She just smiled slowly at him, gently framing his face with one of her hands. His eyes widened, and she could sense him looking into her own for some sort of explanation, but she didn't let herself think too much. Instead, she leaned towards him, gaze darting toward his lips, only to be mortified when he quickly, yet gently, placed one of his own hands on her shoulder to stop her.
"Dora..." He murmured slightly hoarsely, slightly tentatively. His brow furrowed in confusion as his eyes searched her face, not seeming to find the response - or perhaps explanation - he was looking for. "What're you doing?"
He didn't sound upset with her, or condescending, as if he didn't want her to do what she had been about to, but Tonks felt herself flush a dark red with pure embarrassment as she realized how poorly she'd thought her actions through. He'd said he wanted to be with her, sure, but what if he was just being nice, trying to comfort her? Did he really want her the way she wanted him, the way he seemed to have wanted her the night before, or was he trying to make her feel better?
A part of her knew it was ridiculous to assume that he hadn't been genuine when he'd said what'd happened hadn't changed anything, but what other conclusion could she draw? She'd been trying to kiss him, he must've known that, and he'd stopped her. What alternative was there? She was horrified, embarrassed, ashamed - she couldn't bring herself to look at him in her mortification.
"I - I thought you wanted..." She muttered, quickly moving away from him and trying to recover at least a little composure. Instead, her voice revealed her hurt, her insecurity.
"I do." He said quickly, seeming to be willing her to meet his eyes. "Dora, I do, I just - not like this."
The words hit her hard. Not like this.
"I thought-I thought you said this didn't change anything." Tonks whispered, feeling the tears she'd finally conquered coming back. She felt betrayed, hurt, and she stood up on shaking legs, ready to leave the room.
Before she could take more than one wobbly step, however, he stood as well and gently held her back. "That's not what I meant, Dora, I swear." He said, voice containing a note of desperation. "I mean - I just meant I don't want you to rush into this because you're feeling vulnerable. What-what I mean to say is, I'll still want to be with you tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that. I want you to be ready." He finished a bit quietly, not quite meeting her eyes and releasing her arm in favor of placing both of his at his sides.
Tonks felt intensely relieved as he stuttered out a response that told her he was protecting her, worried for her, not taking pity on her. She was able to meet his eyes again as she told him, "But I am ready, Remus."
But to Tonks' dismay, Remus continued to look uncomfortable. He glanced at her briefly before returning his gaze to his toes. He was defensive, guarded, insecure. It was written all over him, the discomfort, but she had no idea what he was shy about.
After a long moment, during which he seemed to look for the words he needed to say, or just the will to say them, he murmured, "It's just - I don't want you to, sometime in the future, regret this. I don't want you to, later, regret me."
Tonks gaped. "Remus, how could I regret you? I've-I've wanted to kiss you for ages!" She blushed when she heard her own words, blurted and tactless as ever, but she would not take them back; she was so incredulous at his insecurities that she was willing to embarrass herself to set him straight.
Remus smiled slightly but still didn't quite meet her eyes. "I care too much about you to kiss you once because you're feeling bad, because you've convinced yourself that you want to kiss me. That wouldn't be fair to either of us."
Tonks blinked, finally catching onto the extent of what he was saying. It wasn't just her he was protecting - it was himself, too. Without that knowledge, she might've been affronted at his insinuation - that she didn't quite know what she was doing - but as it was, she recognized that he was afraid she was using him because he was available, because he was what she had.
"I'm not doing this because you happen to be here, you know." She told him, voice strong and level as she looked into his eyes and took a tentative step towards him. "I'm not doing this because I have some half-assed, purely physical crush on you." She continued, sounding a bit petulant but not minding when, at her tone, he raised his head to look into her eyes.
Remus' mouth was slightly open as he met her gaze, and he looked as though he was about to correct her, but he didn't interrupt her when he saw her eyes, which Tonks guessed probably let on to the fact that she was about to tell him something very personal.
"I'm doing this because I fancy you, and I have for ages, and because-" Tonks took a deep breath as her voice faltered, willing herself to continue even though she had to shut her eyes to do so. "-because I can still feel his hands on me, Remus. I can still feel his touch. And that's what I've felt since it happened, and I just - I wanted to feel something else. I wanted to be sure I could feel something else, if we were to-to be together."
Despite her shaking voice, the crack in it at the end, and the tears, she plowed on, knowing she needed him to understand. "I care about you, and I'm afraid that-that I won't be able to. I'm afraid it'll always feel like this, like I'll never feel good again. And I thought-I thought maybe you could-could help me feel better." She finished weakly, almost childishly, in an attempt to justify her actions. She wondered if she'd made any sense at all.
When it was quiet and she looked up to gauge his reaction, it was apparent that she had. Remus, who'd moved closer during her speech and was now quite close, was looking at her tenderly, sympathetically, softly. "Dora, of course you'll feel good again." He told her, his voice sounding scratchy. "Of course you will."
Relief flooded through her as Tonks realized he understood, and she let out a breath she didn't know she'd been holding when he hesitantly placed a hand on the side of her face. Just as before, he looked into her eyes, showing her that he meant what he said. He wasn't guarded, as she feared he'd be, and the look he was giving her made her feel foolish for ever considering that he wasn't genuine in his feelings for her.
Tonks knew the care and desire in his eyes were reflected in her own as she confidently and honestly told him, "I won't regret this, Remus."
He looked unconvinced. "Dora..." He started, but she cut him off.
"Please. I need to know I won't always feel like this."
She met his gaze and felt his eyes searching her for a sign of hesitation, reluctance, anything...and she knew he wouldn't find it. She, meanwhile, searched his eyes and saw conflict, hesitation...but if his words were true it was because he was afraid she'd regret it, not the other way around.
With that in mind, Tonks leaned up very, very slowly and pressed her lips to his. For a brief, agonizing moment she thought Remus wasn't going to respond, but then he very carefully began to kiss her back, softly, tenderly. Tonks felt his other arm move to her waist, and the hand cupping the side of her face slid to the nape of her neck and entangled itself in her hair. Tonks pressed herself closer to him in turn, wrapping her arms securely around his neck.
Tonks deepened the kiss and Remus responded sweetly, gently, as if afraid he'd hurt her. But as Tonks surrendered herself to the thrill of emotions running through her body, she felt none of the urgency or violence she'd felt when he'd kissed her. There was no pain, no disgust, and she thought, idly, that it also had something to do with the fact that Remus wasn't kissing her, they were kissing, and it made all the difference in the world.
When Remus pulled away from her a few moments later and rested his forehead on hers for a moment, looking into her eyes as if to ensure that she was okay, Tonks sighed contentedly and grinned at him, feeling lighter than she had in months.
"Oh, Dora." Remus sighed as he pressed a soft kiss to the top of her head. He laughed a bit as she pressed her face into his neck and then murmured, "You're pink again, by the way."
Confused, she looked up at him, until he indicated her head with his chin. "Oh!" She exclaimed in surprise. She hadn't felt herself morph and, more importantly, hadn't felt pain while doing it. It seemed her powers were back.
Tonks' smile widened even more when she heard Remus chuckle as she tested her morphing abilities and tried a few different hair colors, all of which worked without pain. She decided it was too soon to try to morph over the scar and left it, not wanting to bring it up with Remus again. Should she fail to morph over it, she knew she'd have a break down, and she didn't want him to see that, not after how many times he had over the past few hours alone.
As Remus tightened his arms around her and Tonks pressed her face back into his neck, she felt absurdly lucky once more. What she'd done to deserve his care she had no idea, but she was immensely glad she'd done whatever it was. He'd put up with her through the darkest time of her life thus far and he'd barely batted an eyelash while doing it.
"I love you, Remus." She exhaled suddenly. The words tumbled out of her mouth before she realized she was saying them, but as she said them she realized just how true they were.
Of course she loved him. She'd loved him for a while, really, but she was sure now. Everything about him was perfection; his chaste, tender kisses; his warm, soothing hugs; his quiet, thoughtful advice; and his fun, witty side. Yes, she'd loved him for a while, but now she was sure and she smiled as she realized it.
She looked up at Remus after a moment to find him looking tense. "Before you tell me it's because I'm hurting or something, I really do. I think I've loved you for quite some time now, but I wasn't sure, not until tonight. But now I am sure. I love you." Tonks smiled a bit as she said it, stifling the most bizarre urge to giggle, because Nymphadora Tonks did not giggle. But now, now that she was in love-
She frowned, pulling back from his suddenly stiff embrace, realizing that Remus had yet to say anything. She studied his face for a moment, but his wall was back up - he was unreadable.
It terrified her.
"Remus...say something." She pleaded, feeling suddenly very, very scared.
"Dora - I - you love me?" He stuttered.
"I believe I just said so." She murmured apprehensively. "And now would be the opportune moment to tell me you love me back."
He blinked at her, looking confused. And Remus Lupin was rarely, if ever, confused. "Nymphadora - I'm - you're-"
"What?" She asked numbly, wondering how she'd managed to screw something so wonderful up so quickly.
"You love me." He stated, slowly, as if speaking a foreign language. He wasn't looking at her, and his brow was furrowed, as if he was deep in thought. The only thing keeping Tonks calm was the fact that he didn't seem to be trying to find a way to reject her - he just didn't seem to be able to understand her.
"Yes." She said clearly, wondering just how right Sirius had been the day before in the kitchen.
He doesn't think anyone could think of him in that way because of his furry little problem, he'd said, and she hadn't completely taken it to heart. Was he really so unaware of his lovability?
"As in..." He started, finally looking at her yet seeming no less confused.
Or maybe afraid to let himself hope, Tonks reminded herself.
"As in completely, utterly, madly, in love with you, yeah." She said, smiling a bit as a slow, unsure grin began to form on his face.
"You love me." He said again, but this time it wasn't so much of a question as an exclamation, and the smile hadn't stopped growing. He wasn't just smiling - he was beaming.
"Yeah." Tonks said, relief and another, less-definable warm feeling flowing through her veins. She felt a smile on her face growing to match his as she teased, "You gonna say it back, or what?"
He was completely different as he took her face in both hands; he didn't falter, didn't hesitate, wasn't nearly as unsure of himself. He looked happier than she'd ever seen him when, just before kissing her again, he said, clearly and firmly, "I love you, Nymphadora."
Tonks smiled against his lips even as he was kissing her, unable to stop as she was so unbelievably happy in the moment. The kiss was brief, chaste, almost a peck, and yet when he pulled away and kissed her forehead lingeringly Tonks marveled at the fact that he was so perfect at everything he did.
When Remus moved his head away from hers so Tonks could lean into his embrace, Tonks basked in the warm, peaceful, exultant feeling she'd just gained. Remus seemed to be similarly dazed by his own happiness, and Tonks felt slightly foolish for being unable to keep from beaming when Remus rested his head on hers.
As Tonks felt her eyelids grow heavy and her eyes drift shut, she saw nothing but Remus in her mind's eye, his own eyes sparkling in happiness, a goofy grin on his face, his lips forming the words, I love you, Nymphadora. And so she stood, in his arms, neither of them speaking because neither of them needed to.
Eventually, the still, content silence of the moment passed as a bright white hen appeared and, in Molly Weasley's voice, said, "Let us know you're safe when you can, dears."
Leaning reluctantly and groggily out of his embrace, Tonks blinked a few times and watched the silvery white hen disappear as Remus softly said, "We don't have to go back if you don't feel up to it."
She looked into his face, her joy at him saying we being quickly replaced with shame for not being up to Bill's birthday. "But I said I'd be there." She muttered guiltily.
"Nobody expects that of you, they all know we were attacked." He reassured her.
Tonks shook her head. "But Molly said Sirius is worried, and I should-I should tell him." She finished with a whisper, the thought painful to her.
"Yes, you should." Remus agreed softly, brushing some hair out of Tonks' face. "But you don't have to tonight. There's nothing wrong with waiting until you feel up to it."
She sighed, feeling immensely grateful to him for being so understanding. "You think so?"
"Of course." He responded firmly. "You've been through enough in the past 24 hours."
The past 24 hours felt years long to Tonks - as if she'd been in the alleyway weeks ago, not hours ago. And though she'd slept most of the day, she felt her eyelids growing heavy as she was finally able to relax her muscles, now that she was in Remus' embrace. She shifted slightly to rest her head on Remus' shoulder once more, grateful for his firm hold on her, his understanding, and after a few more blissfully calm moments she felt herself yawn.
"Bedtime, I think." She heard Remus say, voice full of amusement.
Tonks immediately stiffened. Bedtime?
It wasn't as though she thought he meant anything that wasn't entirely innocent by it, but the words caught her off-guard and she was suddenly unsure of everything.
She shook her head at herself took a step away from him, trying to hide her uncertainty, just as he continued, "I'll wait for you to go to sleep before I leave."
"Leave?" She heard herself ask dumbly.
"Yes." He nodded, explaining, "I told Molly I'd be back."
Tonks felt her insides plummet and quietly, tentatively said, "Oh."
The thought of being alone again, even in her flat, though she knew it was safe, was not a pleasant one. But she felt embarrassed, because she couldn't honestly expect Remus to watch over her like a child.
As the embarrassment rose, she shifted to look at her feet, only to have Remus reach out and gently tip her chin up, forcing her to meet his gaze.
"Dora?" He breathed.
Tonks closed her eyes and shook her head slightly, feeling dumb for being so needy.
"What's wrong?" She heard Remus ask, voice still gentle and concerned.
Tonks sighed. She and Remus were together now, weren't they? She should open up to him, tell him the truth. He deserved it. She slowly opened her eyes to look at him and admitted, "I just - I feel safe with you here. I don't want to be alone."
His expression softened and he said, in a slightly apologetic tone, "Grimmauld Place would mean running into Sirius, no doubt, and I didn't think you wanted to go back to the Burrow, but if you want to-"
"No." Tonks interrupted, feeling her face flush. "I meant - would you stay with me?"
Remus watched her intently, searching her eyes with his, contemplating her request, no doubt. Tonks tried not to fidget or assume he'd misunderstood her until he eventually breathed, "Okay."
Visibly relaxing, Tonks gave him a bashful smile and said, equally quietly, "Thank you. For everything."
"There's no need to thank me." He responded, smiling reassuringly at her. "Go change, I'll sleep on the couch."
She was relieved that he understood what she wanted - she just needed to know he was close by. So she nodded and turned and went to her room, pulling off her robes and jeans and putting on a pair of sweat pants and a baggy t-shirt. She knew her outfit was far from flattering, yet she felt comfortable in it and that was what mattered.
When Tonks returned to the living room with a blanket for Remus, she saw he'd transfigured her sofa to fit his height and removed his shoes. He smiled softly at her as she walked back towards him before she stopped a metre or so away, feeling awkward as she placed the blanket on the sofa and contemplated what to do next. She had no idea what to say to someone in this situation; she'd never been in one like it before.
Remus, the saint, murmured, "I sent Molly a patronus so she won't worry, and I told her you'd stop by to see her tomorrow."
Tonks smiled shyly as she said, "Okay."
Remus turned slightly serious, and, in a soft yet steadfast tone said, "I'll be right here, okay?"
Unable to find words to express her gratitude, Tonks hesitated slightly and then closed the distance between her and Remus and wrapped her arms around him.
Remus returned her embrace gently, murmuring, "It'll be okay."
"I know." Tonks surprised herself by saying. "I've got you."
Remus pulled back from her to look into her face and she met his gaze confidently, showing him she meant what she said, however cheesy it was. He smiled at her, almost tentatively, before pressing the softest of kisses against her lips, so she could barely feel it.
Then he pulled back slightly, pressing another kiss to her forehead as he whispered, "Goodnight, Dora."
Tonks suppressed the urge to sigh pathetically and instead responded with her own soft, "'Night, Remus."
Then she turned, slowly releasing him, and walked back to her bedroom, leaving the door cracked, as if to remind herself he was there. When she'd settled under her comforter and blankets, still feeling warm from his kiss, she closed her heavy eyelids, drifting off to sleep with a smile still on her face.
She was in her bedroom, but not alone. She was being pressed into her mattress by Remus, whose hands were gently yet persistently making their way under her shirt, drawing patterns on her ribs...his lips met hers passionately, and Tonks was squirming under him, wrapping her arms tightly around his neck and running her hands through his hair, pulling him closer to her, tangling their legs and the sheets...
And then he was pulling back from her, but only to rid her of her shirt, and his eyes were full of desire and she was loving the feeling of his legs entwined with hers. The second her shirt was gone she was pulling his off, burning with need to feel his chest, his flesh, pressed against her own, but then she lowered his shirt and her arms and he saw it - the scar.
He stopped abruptly, eyes turning from passionate to disgusted.
"Whore." He read, and once again it was not his voice but Avery's filling her ears.
Tonks felt herself whimpering and tossing and turning in her bed before she became fully conscious, before she was aware of a pair of warm, strong arms wrapping themselves around her and pressing her into a chest. Remus' chest.
"Dora! Dora, stop! Stop fighting me! It's okay, I'm not going to hurt you, it was just a dream..." Remus was saying as he held her to him, despite the fact that she was still struggling.
"It's all right, Dora, it's all right, it was just a dream." He was saying, rocking her back and forth as Molly had done that morning.
As she slowly became aware of her surroundings, Tonks felt her whimpers dissolve into sobs. It was the middle of the night, and she felt hot with sweat, though she'd thrown her covers off in her sleep. She was in her own bed, just as in the dream, but this time Remus was holding her, soothing her, and it had just been a dream, a terrible dream.
"Shh...it's okay, Dora, it was just a nightmare." She heard him saying as he rubbed her back, still rocking her slightly, pressing a soft kiss into her hair. "It was just a nightmare."
Tonks took a steadying breath, reminding herself that it was a dream and not reality. It was over. She slowly became aware that she was clutching very tightly onto Remus' shit with white-knuckled fists.
His heart was hammering in his chest and she realized she must've given him a heart attack when he'd heard her distress in the middle of the night, but now he was just rubbing her back, whispering to her soothingly, pressing soft kisses into her hair.
Taking a few deep breaths, Tonks pulled away from Remus to look into his eyes, feeling her own rapid heartbeat beginning to return to normal as she met his sympathetic and worried gaze. "I'm sorry, Remus." She whispered.
"Don't apologize." He responded equally quietly, not removing his arms from around her, seeming relieved that she'd woken up and realized she'd just been dreaming.
Tears streaked Tonks' face as she said, "I just - he said you w-wouldn't want me anymore, and I close my eyes and I'm back where I was and you're not coming, or else you are, but you're-you're disgusted by me."
She choked on the last words only to feel Remus' arms tighten around her. "I could never be disgusted by you." He told her almost sternly.
"I know, I know." She admitted, telling the truth. Now that she was awake it felt absurd. The way he looked at her, the way he kissed her, the way he told her he loved her...Tonks knew he wasn't disgusted by her.
"But it felt so real." She whispered to herself.
"It wasn't." Remus said, still holding her. "It never will be."
Tonks felt her eyelids grow heavy once more as she leaned into Remus' chest, letting his heartbeat and breathing calm her as it so often did. Remus stopped rubbing her back and began to stroke her hair, pushing some strands that'd become stuck to her face out of her eyes.
"Do you think you could go back to sleep?" He asked her softly.
Stiffening at the thought of him leaving her again and having another nightmare, Tonks shyly asked, "Just-just stay here, okay, Remus?"
He pulled away to look into her eyes for a long moment before leaning forward and kissing her tears away. Then, he rested his forehead against hers and once again breathed, "Okay."
He carefully laid down and pulled the covers over them, never once releasing her from his embrace. Tonks relaxed, feeling the tension desert her body as Remus pulled her close and held her.
She rested her head in the crook of his neck, pressing her forehead to his throat before whispering, "I love you."
She heard and felt him sigh as he turned to press a kiss to the top of her head and responded, "And I, you."
Tonks smiled tiredly, dazedly, as she felt herself drift back to sleep, confident that, in Remus' arms, the nightmares wouldn't return and she'd finally be able to feel safe and loved again.
She knew that if Sirius were there he'd be laughing at the irony of it all: that she finally felt secure in the arms of a werewolf.
But it didn't matter. None of it mattered.
It didn't matter that they'd missed Bill's birthday dinner, that they'd have to explain what'd happened to people later, that she'd have to tell her mum one day, or Sirius, or maybe even Dumbledore.
It didn't matter that she'd probably have to learn to be intimate without being scared, to deal with nightmares, moments of insecurity, the scar, and the memory of what'd happened to her.
It didn't matter that she'd have good days and bad days, days when she needed extra reassurance and days when she'd lean on Remus more than she'd like.
It didn't even matter that there was a war going on, that somewhere a growing evil existed and that one day, perhaps in the near future, she'd have to fight for a future.
All that truly mattered was that there, in that moment, in his arms, of all places, she finally felt truly safe.
A/N: FIN!
Another huge thank you to everyone, reader, reviewer, or otherwise! And extra thanks to IsThisLove394 and LupinxTonks4ever, who supported me through every chapter, doubt, and draft of this story. I wouldn't have made it half this far without them!
And, of course, another super, über, spectacularly massive thank you to my beta, without whom none of this would ever have been posted (or even written, probably). I like to tell myself that I've made up for all the support, midnight editing, and last minute reassurances by taking her to Radiohead, but I know I'll never be able to completely make it up to her so all I can really do is say thank you!
Anyway, reviews mean the world to me, as always. What was your favorite part of the story? Favorite line? Moment? Least favorite? Was the ending too abrupt? Any final comments?
Thank you again for reading, it really means more to me than I can say!