17Disclaimer: I think it's safe to say that all I own is my imagination. I'm content as could be, too.
The Bagel
There he sat, at the desk of the office that had been appointed to him when he had accepted the role of being judge. On his right was the card soldier who had been given the chore of watching over the insane man.
The card soldier- the seven spades- had been appointed by Mayor Heart herself to pry information from the absurd judge. Information like, what were his thoughts of the counselors. How he felt the case was progressing, etcetera, etcetera.
Heart was aiming to use his thoughts of the trial to her own advantage to be sure that the Wolf would be dead by the end of the week, at least. Anything he said would be used against him in court, literally.
The card soldier cleared his throat in an attempt to grasp the Hatter's undivided attention. It worked and the Hatter turned towards him.
"Do you have something in your throat?" he asked considerately. "Oh, I do have a hanky on me, come to think of it."
The Hatter bulldozed his way across the room to where his jacket was lying on an overstuffed love seat before the card could argue. Though, he knocked over an expensive vase in the process.
The seven of spades gasped and dived to catch it before it hit the ground. Mayor Heart would definitely not be pleased with him if she found that the Hatter had broken something under his supervision.
The Hatter spun around and snatched the vase from the card soldier.
"How careless of me!" he exclaimed, looking embarrassed. "I've dropped something without breaking it." And with that he let it slip from his hands carelessly. It fell to the floor and shattered noisily.
The soldier's jaw dropped in horror.
"That's much better! Don't worry, I won't have any slip-ups like that again," the Hatter said cheerily.
Forgetting about the handkerchief entirely, the Hatter settled into the love seat comfortably.
"Mr. Hatter," the card soldier started, "how do you feel about the days' proceeding?"
"How do I feel? I feel absolutely starving! The bagel I ordered never came. How awful! I mean, how hard could it be to deliver a bagel to a hungry judge?"
It took the soldier a moment to realize that the Hatter had addressed him.
"Oh! Not very hard I suppose. I probably could have done it with my eyes closed," the card shrugged, not wanting to quarrel with the Hatter.
"Really? Then why didn't you do it?" the Hatter accused the card.
"Um..." the seven of spades fumbled for words. "I was, uh... busy."
"Too busy to get me a bagel? That's not very nice of you." The Mad Hatter turned up his
over-sized nose at the soldier.
The card soldier needed to get things back on track. "Do you think the Wolf is guilty?"
"Wolf? What Wolf? I don't see any carnivorous canines in here," he replied matter-of-factly.
"Not in here; in the courtroom. Do you think he is guilty?" the card repeated.
"I'm not sure if you've noticed that we are not in a courtroom, so I, obviously, cannot see this 'Wolf', thus meaning that I know not if he is guilty. Whatever would he be guilty of?"
"He ate Red Riding Hood's grandma."
"He did? I can't say I blame him. I'm hungry enough to eat an old woman, too. He probably didn't get his bagel fast enough," the Hatter commented nonchalantly.
The soldier willed himself to keep his cool. He figured that he may as well try a different question.
"What do you think of the layers?" he asked.
"You mean Bluebeard, Robin, and Little John?" the Hatter responded, not really paying attention.
The seven of spades nodded his head vigorously, relieved that the Hatter had answered his question properly.
"Well, I like Bluebeard. He has manners, at least. He is my favorite of the bunch," the Hatter declared.
That was good news to the card soldier.
"How do you like Robin and Little John?" the card pried, thinking that he had made headway.
"Oh, I like them very much. They're even better than Bluebeard," he stated.
The card was bewildered. "But you just said Bluebeard was your favorite!"
"Why are you putting words in my mouth?" Then the Mad Hatter pondered for a minute. "I suppose I did say that, didn't I?"
The soldier kept silent, for he feared that if he opened his mouth, all that would come out would be harsh yelling and ugly profanities.
A minute passed before the Hatter got up from his seat and walked over to the card soldier and grabbed his elbow. Before the card could question his actions the Hatter spun him around and studied his back.
"Where is the un-mute button?" he muttered to himself. He then sighed, frustrated. "Why don't these things come with instruction manuals? I'm going to have to call the manufacturers." The Hatter walked around the card's figure so that he was once again facing him. Then he gave the soldier a good, sturdy kick in the shin.
The card howled in pain. The Hatter nodded to himself, obviously satisfied. "I knew that would do the trick." He walked back to the love seat and got comfortable once more, completely oblivious to the card soldiers pain.
"I was thinking—yes, I know it's bad to think. At least, I think it is. My mother used to think that if people thought to much they would catch 'Thinkeritis'. Maybe that wasn't what she called it, but I think it was. I always told her that I thought she was being ridiculous," the Hatter rambled.
Then the Mad Hatter recognized all the thinking he had just done. He gasped. "I must be infected, too!" he cried as if in utter despair.
The card soldier couldn't take any more of this mad-man. He scurried over to the door and pushed the buzzer, signaling that he needed to get out. It was there, after all, for moments like this.
When the buzzer went off the Hatter squealed with joy. "That must be room service with my bagel!"
The door was unlatched from the outside and the seven of spades swung it open hurried into the corridor and slammed it shut before the Hatter could reach it. The card sighed in relief.
"Okay, if the bagel is too big an inconvenience then I could really go for some tea!" Mr. Hatter shouted from inside the confines of the office.
The soldier slumped to the floor and leaned against the door, mentally exhausted.
Two seconds after he had sat down, a trolley came around the corner. It was being pushed by the four of hearts. On it was a sesame bagel with low-fat scallion cream cheese, and some chamomile tea, of course.
The four of hearts shoved the trolley towards the seven of spades and ran off, leaving the task of giving it to the Hatter to the seven of spades.
The card soldier knew that if he went back in there he would not leave a sane man.
He stood up and pushed the intercom on his left, it connected to Heart herself.
"Uh, change of plans, your Majesty. My wife is in... labor... um, right now. I've got to go!" he replied hurriedly, not waiting for the mayor's permission. He then took off like a speeding bullet, leaving the trolley and the Mad Hatter in his dust.
Lesson learned; don't underestimate the Hatter and his ability to make you lose your sanity in six minutes flat.
THE END
A/N: I love the Mad Hatter because he is the only one who can make me shake my head in disbelief and laugh at his poor, utter confusion of the situation surrounding him- all at the same time. He is awesome and it's kind of depressing that this is the only story under his name.
Ciao blitz! ~ Cat